OK What now?

tasha_111
tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
He... Has the keys to his dad's beachside apartment. We cannot speak Without screaming at each other. He can't stay away (he's bored).
I can't stand him here, but I am so afraid of hurting his feelings and telling him to bughger off and leave me alone.

What is the answer?...........Any suggestions greatly welcomed...........

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxx
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Comments

  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    HIM!
    I'm sorry to be double posting........But I just can't take a lot more of his B S.
    At the moment, he is flirting like mad on Yahoo and sod me!..I asked him............"Hey, How would you feel if it was me flirting?".........He came back with.........."CRAP!"?
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    tasha_111 said:

    HIM!
    I'm sorry to be double posting........But I just can't take a lot more of his B S.
    At the moment, he is flirting like mad on Yahoo and sod me!..I asked him............"Hey, How would you feel if it was me flirting?".........He came back with.........."CRAP!"?

    You say you dont want to
    You say you dont want to hurt his feelings? He isnt thinking about yours or being considerate at all if he is flirting on yahoo. Be true to yourself and dont be miserable if you dont have to be. He has somewhere to go. You need to take care of yourself and you cant do that if you have the aggravation and stress. Kick him to the curb girl!!

    laura
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    I love you....
    But tell him to bugger off....

    Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He never worried about hurting yours.

    Hugs,

    CR
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    CR1954 said:

    I love you....
    But tell him to bugger off....

    Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He never worried about hurting yours.

    Hugs,

    CR

    Please tell him to get lost

    Please tell him to get lost until you can find another place to live. You don't need his cr*p, and he's only made your life miserable. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. If he had any, he wouldn't have treated you like he did.

    Joyce
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    :-(
    Keep in mind how nice those day's without him were and send him on his way; if he won't go then you need to it's not fair for you to live this way.

    Hugs,

    RE
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    HIM!
    I'm sorry to be double posting........But I just can't take a lot more of his B S.
    At the moment, he is flirting like mad on Yahoo and sod me!..I asked him............"Hey, How would you feel if it was me flirting?".........He came back with.........."CRAP!"?

    Tasha
    I think it is very

    Tasha
    I think it is very important to be calm and walk up to him and give him a gentle smile and then get right up in his face and tell him to bugger off. If he is bored and wants to flirt on Yahoo then he can find somewhere else to do it. Tell him what you just said, I can't take any more of the B.S. Time to cut him off, cut him out and cut him up (okay the last was just a slip of the tongue, can't have you commiting the BIG M). You need peace and resolution and what he needs is to get out and fend for himself.
    Just my opinion.
    Stef
  • Jadie
    Jadie Member Posts: 723
    Hurting his feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings. He has none. If he did he wouldn't have treate you the way he did. Kick his arse to the curb. If he comes bouncing back, kick it again.

    You ever heard of dead bolt locks?
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    tasha_111 said:

    HIM!
    I'm sorry to be double posting........But I just can't take a lot more of his B S.
    At the moment, he is flirting like mad on Yahoo and sod me!..I asked him............"Hey, How would you feel if it was me flirting?".........He came back with.........."CRAP!"?

    I'm confuse
    Tasha, what is he doing back? I thought he had left and that was that. Is this part of the reason you were looking for another place to live? I would ask him to leave and then have the locks changed tomorrow. Do you rent or own? He sounds very vindictive and spiteful. Just ask yourself if it was better for you when he was gone, or you prefer it that he is there. Then stick with your gut feeling and take action. You do not deserve the emotional abuse and I don't think he can stop giving it to you. Keep us posted, you know we are here for you. I hope he leaves and you can sigh and relax again. :) Pammy
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
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  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    I am confused. Why is he
    I am confused. Why is he back? Is this the guy that said he was glad you had cancer? That

    you deserved it? The guy that told you to get back to work on the last day of your radiation

    treatment where you sat for 3 hours crying by yourself? This so called man has absolutely no

    love or respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you this way.

    Tasha, what I am going to write now, please don't get angry with me, but, why are you with

    him? Is it because you need the money? Or, do you somehow like the abuse? You find it

    exciting or something? Are you afraid you will be alone and not get another man?

    And, I do apologize for being so blunt, but, you come on here saying you want him out, then

    you take him back, then you want him out, then you take him back. Do you see why I ask the

    questions now? If you seriously wanted him out and hated the abuse, you would kick him out,

    or, you would get out. Either or. There wouldn't be this teeter totter going on.

    Good luck to you Tasha. I am sorry if I have hurt or angered you here. I didn't mean to. I

    just say what I feel and what I have observed from your writings.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Sweetie,
    This is evidently

    Sweetie,

    This is evidently much harder for you than you thought it was going to be...the answer is, he has a place to stay ( his dad's beachside apartment)and I will tell you what my mom told me about boredom: "Only boring people are bored, as they have nothing in their imaginations to fill up their time."

    You absolutely do not owe him a reprieve from HIS boredom~and it shows so much about you that even now, you are afaid of hurting his feelings. It isn't about that, Tash, it is about you simply telling him that you are not responsible for his emotional well-being, and that you have given him enough of your life. Or words to that effect.

    Live YOUR life now sweetie...it is time.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    Tash
    Alright,what the heck is going on?
    You are too wonderful a person for this! Why do you even care about what he's up to? He is nothing and you can find better if you will just forget about him!! I know that I'm not in it myself,so I don't understand-but Tash,cut those ties and be FREE!!
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072

    Tash
    Alright,what the heck is going on?
    You are too wonderful a person for this! Why do you even care about what he's up to? He is nothing and you can find better if you will just forget about him!! I know that I'm not in it myself,so I don't understand-but Tash,cut those ties and be FREE!!

    Than you all
    I'm just a sap! Like you all said, why do I care about hurting his feelings just because he's bored. That's the only reason he keeps coming back. He went off on one again tonight then bogged off to the spare room.
    I'm just too soft, stupid, whatever...
    I have taken all comments on board though, I'll keep you all in mind when he goes back to the beach tomorrow. Thanks for your support..ALL OF YOU! Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    Than you all
    I'm just a sap! Like you all said, why do I care about hurting his feelings just because he's bored. That's the only reason he keeps coming back. He went off on one again tonight then bogged off to the spare room.
    I'm just too soft, stupid, whatever...
    I have taken all comments on board though, I'll keep you all in mind when he goes back to the beach tomorrow. Thanks for your support..ALL OF YOU! Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx

    I agree with CR
    I think CR said it perfectly when she wrote the brilliant words: "Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He never worried about hurting yours."

    You are still hoping he will change ... but Tasha ... he won't! He has had many opportunities to change and hasn't. Oh sure ... he may act "nice" for a very short time but then his true personalitiy always comes through and he returns to the jerk he's always been and always will be. You can't change him ... so it's time to cut him out of your life ... forever. You don't need him in your life. He is verbally abusive, lazy, inconsiderate, bossy, rude, etc. etc. etc. In other words ... a total JERK! As we've all said many times ... you deserve so much better. Just think about your posts right after he left ... about how excited you were ... how it was like a breath of fresh air (my words ... maybe not yours ... but that's how I interpreted it). You must face the fact that the blob is incapible of caring for anyone but himself. If he cared he would not treat you the way he does. He is self-centered and does not have the ability to love or care about anyone or anything except himself .. and he will NOT change. It is who he is and what he is.

    Please think about what we've all written ... and know that we all love you ... no matter what you do ... but one thing is for sure ... we all know you deserve to be treated with love and respect ... and those are the 2 things the blob cannot give you.

    hugs.
    teena
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    tgf said:

    I agree with CR
    I think CR said it perfectly when she wrote the brilliant words: "Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He never worried about hurting yours."

    You are still hoping he will change ... but Tasha ... he won't! He has had many opportunities to change and hasn't. Oh sure ... he may act "nice" for a very short time but then his true personalitiy always comes through and he returns to the jerk he's always been and always will be. You can't change him ... so it's time to cut him out of your life ... forever. You don't need him in your life. He is verbally abusive, lazy, inconsiderate, bossy, rude, etc. etc. etc. In other words ... a total JERK! As we've all said many times ... you deserve so much better. Just think about your posts right after he left ... about how excited you were ... how it was like a breath of fresh air (my words ... maybe not yours ... but that's how I interpreted it). You must face the fact that the blob is incapible of caring for anyone but himself. If he cared he would not treat you the way he does. He is self-centered and does not have the ability to love or care about anyone or anything except himself .. and he will NOT change. It is who he is and what he is.

    Please think about what we've all written ... and know that we all love you ... no matter what you do ... but one thing is for sure ... we all know you deserve to be treated with love and respect ... and those are the 2 things the blob cannot give you.

    hugs.
    teena

    Tasha, You are a kind
    Tasha, You are a kind person, and I am sure this is very hard for you to do. You can do better. You don't need someone like this in your life, seeing you are fighting for your life. This man has said some terrible things to you. Even if you try to make another go at it, do you really think you could forgive and forget. It's easy for me to say all this to you when I am not going through what you are, but this man will probable never change and you deserve a better life. What ever you do, we will be here for you.
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    Kat11 said:

    Tasha, You are a kind
    Tasha, You are a kind person, and I am sure this is very hard for you to do. You can do better. You don't need someone like this in your life, seeing you are fighting for your life. This man has said some terrible things to you. Even if you try to make another go at it, do you really think you could forgive and forget. It's easy for me to say all this to you when I am not going through what you are, but this man will probable never change and you deserve a better life. What ever you do, we will be here for you.

    Tasha, you just need to make
    Tasha, you just need to make your mind up. Do you want him or not? Cause you are sending him mixed messages that you like the abuse because you keep taking him back. It makes no sense. Wishing you good luck.
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    tasha_111 said:

    Than you all
    I'm just a sap! Like you all said, why do I care about hurting his feelings just because he's bored. That's the only reason he keeps coming back. He went off on one again tonight then bogged off to the spare room.
    I'm just too soft, stupid, whatever...
    I have taken all comments on board though, I'll keep you all in mind when he goes back to the beach tomorrow. Thanks for your support..ALL OF YOU! Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Your situation
    has helped me. I left an abusive relationship in 1981. At first it was only verbal, but it became physical. Like you, I had an Eagles song in my head as I drove down the highway, my bigger plants waving goodbye out the window.

    Whew. It was hard to leave. At first I had images of myself ending up alone, a bag lady somewhere. But that's not how it is. I met my husband in 1983. I live in a beautiful place and have a great family and friends. My job is not my dream job, but at least I have one.

    My ex still calls me about once a year. Each time he calls, he dings me...says something that is hurtful about my appearance or intelligence. For some reason he still has some control over me. I am so glad that I was able to walk away. And your situation puts my reactions to my ex in perspective.

    Hope this helps you too.

    xoxoxo Lynn
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Noel said:

    I am confused. Why is he
    I am confused. Why is he back? Is this the guy that said he was glad you had cancer? That

    you deserved it? The guy that told you to get back to work on the last day of your radiation

    treatment where you sat for 3 hours crying by yourself? This so called man has absolutely no

    love or respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you this way.

    Tasha, what I am going to write now, please don't get angry with me, but, why are you with

    him? Is it because you need the money? Or, do you somehow like the abuse? You find it

    exciting or something? Are you afraid you will be alone and not get another man?

    And, I do apologize for being so blunt, but, you come on here saying you want him out, then

    you take him back, then you want him out, then you take him back. Do you see why I ask the

    questions now? If you seriously wanted him out and hated the abuse, you would kick him out,

    or, you would get out. Either or. There wouldn't be this teeter totter going on.

    Good luck to you Tasha. I am sorry if I have hurt or angered you here. I didn't mean to. I

    just say what I feel and what I have observed from your writings.

    Noel,
    Being in an abusive

    Noel,
    Being in an abusive situation is like having cancer. Those that have never been there can give advise and see the situation but they aren't living it. It's not so easy to just move out, throw someone out and get on. It's sometimes years of the abuse growing and nibbling at your self esteem. It's fear of being alone because someone has told you forever that you can't manage on your own, you are too dumb, too stupid, too fat, too ugly to ever make it alone. It is years of walking on tiptoe so you don't piss someone off. It's the chameleon like behavior that confuses you. It is fear of being hit. It is giving in to sex because it's going to happen whether you want to or not. It can be financial or the fear of the unknown or just that you believe all the crap that you have been feed. It's also the embarassment of people knowing what a chump you were and how they would never put up with this treatment. It can be the fear of being alone. But it is never because you like the abuse or that the abuse is exciting. Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual etc) is just that abuse. To someone who has never experienced it, it seems pretty easy. Just live, just stop it, just say no. Not as easy as that. It can be a teeter totter. And if you haven't been there you can't really understand it. Even when you are there you can't understand it. You say each time, this time I will leave, this time I will kick him out. And if we are lucky eventually we do leave or kick him out. Some of your questions were valid but I think some went beyond honesty. They were unkind. 1. the do you like the abuse? 2.If you seriously wanted him out and hated the abuse, you would kick him out or you would get out. There is no support there just judgement and if you haven't walked in Tasha's shoes you shouldn't judge. We get upset when someone who have never had cancer tells us (not advises us) how we should react or what treatment we should have. I think the same applies here. We need to support Tasha and encourage her but not judge her. Does it sound like I have been there, done that? Yes, 36 years ago I left a marriage after 5 years of abuse that started days after my marriage. I was 20, in love (or so I thought), and from that night forward it built and built. It grew and grew until I lost all sense of self. I don't even remember how I got the courage to leave but even then I didn't tell my family or friends why. Everyone thought my 1st hubby was a good man and that we were simply too young and we grew apart. I got him to agree to the divorce by promising not to bring up all the years of abuse and that suited me fine. The only person that I have ever shared with is my current hubby who is the polar opposite of THE OTHER. One reason that I stayed so long and have never talked about it was embarassment and fear of judgment. Guess I wasn't really so wrong about that, was I?
    And Noel I also don't want to hurt or anger you but I think that your comments are not very supportive or caring and I know that you are a caring supportive person. They may not have hurt Tasha, but even 36 years later, they hurt me.
    Stef
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    Than you all
    I'm just a sap! Like you all said, why do I care about hurting his feelings just because he's bored. That's the only reason he keeps coming back. He went off on one again tonight then bogged off to the spare room.
    I'm just too soft, stupid, whatever...
    I have taken all comments on board though, I'll keep you all in mind when he goes back to the beach tomorrow. Thanks for your support..ALL OF YOU! Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx

    You are not a sap or stupid.
    You are not a sap or stupid. You have just been conditioned to this situation. You need to find the same innner strength that got you through the cancer and use it now to get through this. Think of him as a cancer that you need to rid yourself of. Chemo him, Radiate him, surgically remove him and take whatever meds you need for the next 5 years to keep him away. Think only of yourself and what you need. It's hard, it's easy to slide back, but trust me when you finally have him gone from you life forever you will be so, so much happier and at peace. Don't be drawn into fights or dialogs, just tell him to go and not to return, not to contact you. Change locks, don't answer phone calls, ask you employers to see he isn't allowed at your work, whatever you need to do to cut the ties. And find whatever support you can from friends, family, employers etc. I know you can do it, my dear daft sod and we are all here to support you and help you through this.
    Stef
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    fauxma said:

    Noel,
    Being in an abusive

    Noel,
    Being in an abusive situation is like having cancer. Those that have never been there can give advise and see the situation but they aren't living it. It's not so easy to just move out, throw someone out and get on. It's sometimes years of the abuse growing and nibbling at your self esteem. It's fear of being alone because someone has told you forever that you can't manage on your own, you are too dumb, too stupid, too fat, too ugly to ever make it alone. It is years of walking on tiptoe so you don't piss someone off. It's the chameleon like behavior that confuses you. It is fear of being hit. It is giving in to sex because it's going to happen whether you want to or not. It can be financial or the fear of the unknown or just that you believe all the crap that you have been feed. It's also the embarassment of people knowing what a chump you were and how they would never put up with this treatment. It can be the fear of being alone. But it is never because you like the abuse or that the abuse is exciting. Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual etc) is just that abuse. To someone who has never experienced it, it seems pretty easy. Just live, just stop it, just say no. Not as easy as that. It can be a teeter totter. And if you haven't been there you can't really understand it. Even when you are there you can't understand it. You say each time, this time I will leave, this time I will kick him out. And if we are lucky eventually we do leave or kick him out. Some of your questions were valid but I think some went beyond honesty. They were unkind. 1. the do you like the abuse? 2.If you seriously wanted him out and hated the abuse, you would kick him out or you would get out. There is no support there just judgement and if you haven't walked in Tasha's shoes you shouldn't judge. We get upset when someone who have never had cancer tells us (not advises us) how we should react or what treatment we should have. I think the same applies here. We need to support Tasha and encourage her but not judge her. Does it sound like I have been there, done that? Yes, 36 years ago I left a marriage after 5 years of abuse that started days after my marriage. I was 20, in love (or so I thought), and from that night forward it built and built. It grew and grew until I lost all sense of self. I don't even remember how I got the courage to leave but even then I didn't tell my family or friends why. Everyone thought my 1st hubby was a good man and that we were simply too young and we grew apart. I got him to agree to the divorce by promising not to bring up all the years of abuse and that suited me fine. The only person that I have ever shared with is my current hubby who is the polar opposite of THE OTHER. One reason that I stayed so long and have never talked about it was embarassment and fear of judgment. Guess I wasn't really so wrong about that, was I?
    And Noel I also don't want to hurt or anger you but I think that your comments are not very supportive or caring and I know that you are a caring supportive person. They may not have hurt Tasha, but even 36 years later, they hurt me.
    Stef

    Stef, I apologize if my
    Stef, I apologize if my statements hurt you, or, Tasha. That was certainly not my intent. And, no, I have not walked in your shoes or Tasha's, as, I would never put myself or stay in that situation. I am a self sufficient woman, confident and was raised like that so that I could be dependent, if needed. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, to me, and I love my life outside of having bc.

    My words might have seemed strong, but, sometimes that is what is needed with some to actually wake them up. I feel sorry for Tasha and that man. Tasha for putting up with his abuse for 2 years or more and him because he is in total confusion, I am sure, as to whether she wants him or not. That is the seesaw effect. There was no malice in my words. Tasha knows as anyone else on here that I support her 100% and would help her in anyway possible that I could if asked or needed.

    But, that doesn't mean that I can't speak my mind and tell it like I see it. I had a best girl friend in an abusive relationship. I went thru the ups and downs with her until finally she woke up. And, she woke up because suddenly someone actually talked to her like I did to Tasha. Everyone else just tippy toed around it and said Poor Barb, I am so sorry, and so on and so on. Noone said leave him and quit playing games with his life and emotions and yours. Either you want him and the abuse or you don't want him and the abuse. And, guess what? She left! Finally, someone spoke the truth to her and made her realize that she was sending her abusive husband the message that she liked it because she put up with it and because she stayed. So, he would leave and come back, he would leave and come back. Because she was, in her case, the enabler. She allowed him to keep doing it. That might upset you Stef, and, I am sorry, but, I am not speaking to your particular life as I don't know and see no sense in going into it. It is your life, your past.

    So, if you are upset, sorry. But, I was speaking to Tasha. And, if Tasha gets upset with my wording, I am sure she will let me know. I am only speaking my mind and with my experience with my girlfriend. Nothing else and noone else's life is the subject here.

    Noel

    p.s. Also, why do people attack other's opinions on here so much? I see that more and more lately. I stated it was my opinion and it was focused on Tasha, noone else. Tasha posted the thread and I can state my opinion just as much as anyone else can. Never did or have I ever even remotely said I don't support her, and, she knows I would do anything for her. And, once again Stef, my post isn't about you. It is about Tasha. So, if you feel the need to discuss my views and statements further, I think it would be best to just pm me. This forum, this thread isn't meant for bc survivors to fight back and forth. Thanks!