can't let go of breast cancer
I'm basically healed and (ha, ha) back to normal. Surgery last March, no chemo or rads needed, startd 5 years of Tamoxifen on 5/1/09 and have had no se's. I'm back to cooking, cleaning, doing it all when we have family staying with us (son and daughter-in-law w/ 3-y-o grandson, in transition between jobs, houses--since the 1st of May!) I think I get tired more quickly than I used to get (but it might be having extra people in the house.)
I don't want cancer to define me, but I guess I do want my family to know that it's NOT all back to normal.
anyone feel the same?
Comments
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I can totaly relate. I
I can totaly relate. I started back to work after 6 weeks off, but I feel so exhausted. I feel more exhausted than I did during chemo and post surgery. I worked my regular schedule during chemo. There is part of me that doesn't want to try to go back to my life pre cancer. I am not the same person.
There's not alot of information out there that satifies my needs post treatment. Does anyone feel the same? I think that our families love us and want things to be the way they were. It is human nature not to seek change. However we must express who we are now. You should tell your family how you are feeling. It's such game changing moment in our lives. It's very hard for anyone to understand who hasn't experienced the fear, pain, and lonleyness of diagnosis and treatment.
No cancer doesn't define me but I have a new normal.0 -
Ltalcott-I think it's normal...
for family, especially, to think that once surgery or other treatment is done that your "fixed". They don't realize, or maybe don't want to accept the fact, that cancer carries with it a life-long fear, as well as an irreparable physical impact on us. It doesn't mean that it will return, but it also doesn't mean that you are cured.
My parents, who are elderly, both believe that everything is back to normal. I let them believe it, unless they ask a specific question related to my health. Since I have never lied to them, I tell them what is really happening with me (but I do it as gently as possible). I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in regards to my health and my folks. Should the cancer return, I don't plan to tell them.
As for my daugther, she knows enough to know that I have a high chance of recurrance (according to my prognosis and the stats). This, needless to say, frightens her. I have never told her directly my prognosis, I don't think it's in her best interest, yet she knows that things are not back to "normal." She's a realist.
Everyone deals with life-changing events, such as a devastating illness, differently. Your family may just want things to be the way they once were-the way "they are suppose to be." Mom is "suppose" to take care of things, take care of me." If it helps them to cope and you are able to do all that you are doing, I say, "Just let it go." If you really need help, then speak up. You know your family and, as a parent/wife, you know what is best for them.
As for myself, I made my choice to protect my family from what may (and I emphasize "may") come down the road. Though I did choose to my ex, my husband, and my brothers, so they can "take care of things" when I am not able. In the meantime, I allow my family, and me, to live life as it's "suppose to be".
Once, I read the viewpoint of a philosopher that (paraphrased) goes something like this: If what the physician tells a patient causes more harm than good, then it is best unsaid." This is the philosophy I stand by and it's the way I try to live my life. It may seem as though I am in living in denial. I'm not. Like you, I don't want cancer to define me.
I doubt if your family really thinks that everything is back to normal, but it may be their way to cope. They WANT things the way they once were, perhaps it's the only way they feel secure-believing that Mom is really "okay."
dmc0 -
We walk in the same shoes!
Ltalcott.............My surgery was 7/24/08 no chemo no rads.......Arimidex for 5 years. I would love to go back to the old me before this beast showed up. I will always have the fear of it returning. I had Aunts on both side of my family who lost their battles with the beast. I live alone and some chores get to be pretty rough with me protecting my right arm. And the fatigue................I hate it!!! I don't think things will ever get back to normal.
We have to hang in there........ Hugs.......JoMama0 -
You are still very early inJoMama54 said:We walk in the same shoes!
Ltalcott.............My surgery was 7/24/08 no chemo no rads.......Arimidex for 5 years. I would love to go back to the old me before this beast showed up. I will always have the fear of it returning. I had Aunts on both side of my family who lost their battles with the beast. I live alone and some chores get to be pretty rough with me protecting my right arm. And the fatigue................I hate it!!! I don't think things will ever get back to normal.
We have to hang in there........ Hugs.......JoMama
You are still very early in your journey, so it's very normal to continue to think about cancer, and want to learn as much as possible about it, both for yourself and for others you might be able to help. I was originally diagnosed in 2000 with invasive lobular cancer and had a lumpectomy and radiation. I, too, had many years of mammograms, sonograms, MRI's and biopsies because my breasts were dense and the mammograms were hard to read.
Early this year, I was diagnosed with in situ cancer in the same breast, and decided to have a bilateral mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction, which was done mid-April. This time, my main thoughts weren't about the disease: I'd survived it nine years ago, and I didn't have invasive cancer this time, it just needed to come out. But, in 2000, I struggled much more with many of the things that you mentioned. But, it was a life changing experience and helped me better appreciate the people in my life, and life in general.
I'd be pretty tired, with additional people staying in my house, too. Maybe you should ask them for some additional help and explain even though you may seem to be fully recovered, you aren't yet. I've heard that it takes up to a year to get all of your energy back after the DIEP. It might also help if your husband knows that you aren't 100% yet. And, men can be pretty dense: you sometimes just have to tell them!
But, the good news is, that with time, things get back to a new normal. I remember how excited I was when I discovered, in 2000, that I hadn't thought about cancer at all the day before. It felt so freeing: and you'll get there, too.
Joyce0 -
I don't think it ever really
I don't think it ever really gets back to the normal we had and most of us need to redefine "normal". Our family and friends may not be up to speed on that one yet. I am 2 yrs out of tx (chemo) and still have an interest in cancer topics and I think it has to do with navigating our way through this new life with new or different limitations. Our journeys are so individual and I liken it to a "walk in the wilderness". Thankfully we have others to help us along but it's still different for each person. I understand your need to not let cancer define you but how can it not to some degree after all we've been through. In time I think it will gradually diminish. I'm not a long term survivor so perhaps others might feel differently. Hope this helps.
jan0 -
I know how you feelphoenixrising said:I don't think it ever really
I don't think it ever really gets back to the normal we had and most of us need to redefine "normal". Our family and friends may not be up to speed on that one yet. I am 2 yrs out of tx (chemo) and still have an interest in cancer topics and I think it has to do with navigating our way through this new life with new or different limitations. Our journeys are so individual and I liken it to a "walk in the wilderness". Thankfully we have others to help us along but it's still different for each person. I understand your need to not let cancer define you but how can it not to some degree after all we've been through. In time I think it will gradually diminish. I'm not a long term survivor so perhaps others might feel differently. Hope this helps.
jan
I know everyone reacts to cancer so differently and it is impossible to know how it will effect you. My husband has had 2 cancers each with a pretty bad prognosis. Although a fairly depressed person before..he let it change his life in so many ways and they are all positive. He is having fun and enjoying life...and still alive and well 10 years after they thought he would be dead!0 -
glad to read some with no chemo and no rads!
I was elated when I just read that some of you did not have to have radiation or chemo. Could one of you elaborate as to how you were able to do that. I go tomorrow for my lumpetomy . I am hoping that is what happens to me also. With me the pathologist was so surprise to find a cancer cellwhen he did biopsy on califications. They told me its stage 0 noninvasive dcis slow growing. I am also hoping when he goes in tomorrow they won't find any bad cells left. Could that happen? Thanks0 -
They won't know your finalpeb said:glad to read some with no chemo and no rads!
I was elated when I just read that some of you did not have to have radiation or chemo. Could one of you elaborate as to how you were able to do that. I go tomorrow for my lumpetomy . I am hoping that is what happens to me also. With me the pathologist was so surprise to find a cancer cellwhen he did biopsy on califications. They told me its stage 0 noninvasive dcis slow growing. I am also hoping when he goes in tomorrow they won't find any bad cells left. Could that happen? Thanks
They won't know your final diagnosis peb, until after your surgery and the final pathology report is done. And, when the surgeon does your lumpectomy, he does take the tumor and usually additional tissue to be sure that he gets clean margins. Are you having your lymph nodes tested? They usually do that with a lumpectomy to see if the cancer has spread. Good luck to you! Let us know how you do.0 -
no lymph node testingDianeBC said:They won't know your final
They won't know your final diagnosis peb, until after your surgery and the final pathology report is done. And, when the surgeon does your lumpectomy, he does take the tumor and usually additional tissue to be sure that he gets clean margins. Are you having your lymph nodes tested? They usually do that with a lumpectomy to see if the cancer has spread. Good luck to you! Let us know how you do.
they said they are not checking the lymph nodes which I guess that is good. I am having it done at a great breast cancer center so i trust what they say. I just wanted to also know why constitutes no rads at all.0 -
I believe that normally youpeb said:no lymph node testing
they said they are not checking the lymph nodes which I guess that is good. I am having it done at a great breast cancer center so i trust what they say. I just wanted to also know why constitutes no rads at all.
I believe that normally you do have radiation if you have a lumpectomy, in order to kill any remaining cancer cells. I think that the people who have mentioned no chemo or rads had mastectomies. It could be that in some instances, radiation isn't done for DCIS, though. But, your doctor will be able to advise you better when he has more information from the lumpectomy and any other testing.
Joyce0 -
Having Trouble Getting Past Breast Cancer
I was diagnosed last July 7, 2008 with early Stage 1 Breast Cancer. I was fortunate in that I only needed a lumpectomy, had the Oncotype DX test done which indicated a low recurrence score and only needed six weeks or radiation. NO CHEMO. When I was told CHEMO was NOT NEEDED it was like hitting the lottery. I finished radiation in October 2008 and started Tamoxifen November 2008. I'm too young for menopause and was concerned about menopause like symptoms. Luckily, I've tolerated the Tamoxifen well, no side effects.
Here is the thing though, I've also read some books about breast cancer and I have never come along anything written that seems to address my particular situation. The situation being that it was early and NO CHEMO was needed. All the materials I have read seem to address situations that were more involved than mine whether it was later stages, mastectomy,chemo, etc.
Sometimes I feel like yelling, "Hey, what about my situation, I've had breast cancer too and need some support." Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful and beyond supportive. Because I did not need chemo, I was able to go through this without telling my family. I feel there was no need to worry them. Of course, some people know like my sister, a few friends and coworkers.
I seem to dwell on the fact that I've had breast cancer and of course, I think about recurrence even though I was told the chance was low. I don't want it to define me, but I find that it does, me before the monster invaded me and after the monster invaded me.
I find this CSN site very helpful, the discussion boards are great and so is the chat rooms. For now, this has been my support system and I'm grateful for it.0 -
My understanding...peb said:no lymph node testing
they said they are not checking the lymph nodes which I guess that is good. I am having it done at a great breast cancer center so i trust what they say. I just wanted to also know why constitutes no rads at all.
please don't quote me and be sure to check with your doctor. If you do a mestectomy, you do not have to go through rads (because there are no cells left in your breast since it is gone). I have infilterating ductal carcinoma, so because I had a lumpectomy I definitly will need to do rads. My tumor has gone beyond it's original site and therefore they need to make sure they are destroying any residual cells. It can get confusing, I know. I was told if you opt for a lumpectomy, you always need rads. Ask your doctor.
Pammy 0 -
Suggestion....Piggies said:Having Trouble Getting Past Breast Cancer
I was diagnosed last July 7, 2008 with early Stage 1 Breast Cancer. I was fortunate in that I only needed a lumpectomy, had the Oncotype DX test done which indicated a low recurrence score and only needed six weeks or radiation. NO CHEMO. When I was told CHEMO was NOT NEEDED it was like hitting the lottery. I finished radiation in October 2008 and started Tamoxifen November 2008. I'm too young for menopause and was concerned about menopause like symptoms. Luckily, I've tolerated the Tamoxifen well, no side effects.
Here is the thing though, I've also read some books about breast cancer and I have never come along anything written that seems to address my particular situation. The situation being that it was early and NO CHEMO was needed. All the materials I have read seem to address situations that were more involved than mine whether it was later stages, mastectomy,chemo, etc.
Sometimes I feel like yelling, "Hey, what about my situation, I've had breast cancer too and need some support." Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful and beyond supportive. Because I did not need chemo, I was able to go through this without telling my family. I feel there was no need to worry them. Of course, some people know like my sister, a few friends and coworkers.
I seem to dwell on the fact that I've had breast cancer and of course, I think about recurrence even though I was told the chance was low. I don't want it to define me, but I find that it does, me before the monster invaded me and after the monster invaded me.
I find this CSN site very helpful, the discussion boards are great and so is the chat rooms. For now, this has been my support system and I'm grateful for it.
Looks like I may be falling into your footsteps. I was offered the "reach to recovery" program from ACS. I'm still waiting on someone to contact me though. From what they explained, they match you up with someone that went through your same situation and they help you get through recovery. They have educational material, etc. and experience and offer one on one support. That's all I know about it as I am waiting on a match right now. Maybe contact your local ACS and ask about it. I figure my match would certainly know about what to do after, etc. and would probably have good suggestions. Pammy 0 -
I am sooooooooo happy to hearAkiss4me said:Suggestion....
Looks like I may be falling into your footsteps. I was offered the "reach to recovery" program from ACS. I'm still waiting on someone to contact me though. From what they explained, they match you up with someone that went through your same situation and they help you get through recovery. They have educational material, etc. and experience and offer one on one support. That's all I know about it as I am waiting on a match right now. Maybe contact your local ACS and ask about it. I figure my match would certainly know about what to do after, etc. and would probably have good suggestions. Pammy
that many of you feel the way I do.
Granted, it's only been 8 weeks since my surgery (dbl. mastectomy, no chemo, no rads needed), but even while I am still healing I feel as though many feel "it's all over," but I'm still thinking about it (BC). I still am tired more than usual. (Honestly, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because I still have two open wounds on my "foobs" that are still filling in with tissue...)
But I know exactly what you're talking about because I feel as though my life has drastically been altered, but no one knows it except me (and you guys).
I have been asked to become a bc mentor by the local bc surgery center, and the training is in Sept. I am going to do it partly because of these feelings, I think. Somehow I think that helping others may help me just as much! (Pammy-- this program is similar to ACS's Reach to Recovery, I believe, but it's specifically for this breast surgical center and the affiliated medical center).
I also think that working hard on our Relay for Life is helping a bit.
But, ultimately, we really are different, inside and out, I guess. And that's one of the many reasons I love this board -- I can come here and find so many women who are experiencing the same feelings, and I can talk about it and read about it and know that I'm not alone.
Thank you all, once again.
Hugs,
Debi0 -
No node testing?peb said:no lymph node testing
they said they are not checking the lymph nodes which I guess that is good. I am having it done at a great breast cancer center so i trust what they say. I just wanted to also know why constitutes no rads at all.
No lymph node testing peb? Why not? I guess I have always heard and thought that they did. Usually, but, not always, women who have mastectomies do not have radiation. But, some do. And, even with a mastectomy, there is breast tissue left so you can still get a recurrence of breast cancer. They have proven that your odds are the same with a mastectomy or a lumpectomy, no difference. Good luck to you peb!0 -
Me toopeb said:no lymph node testing
they said they are not checking the lymph nodes which I guess that is good. I am having it done at a great breast cancer center so i trust what they say. I just wanted to also know why constitutes no rads at all.
I just wanted to let you known that I went through almost the same thing. Biopsy on calcs that turned out to be DCIS. Lumpectomy in January 2009, no nodes taken then 33 rad treatments followed by 5 years of tamoxifen. But each doctor has different criteria for treatment so your doctor(s) will determine the course of treatment.
Maureen0 -
yes
The short answer is yes. Someone, somewhere said that you can't consider yourself "over" this for a year and I'm really beginning to believe that. My course was not as involved as yours but it is over and I'm not the same person that I was and DH doesn't get. He tries and we do OK but I'm still finding my new "normal".
Maureen0 -
I agree with all of you. IJoMama54 said:We walk in the same shoes!
Ltalcott.............My surgery was 7/24/08 no chemo no rads.......Arimidex for 5 years. I would love to go back to the old me before this beast showed up. I will always have the fear of it returning. I had Aunts on both side of my family who lost their battles with the beast. I live alone and some chores get to be pretty rough with me protecting my right arm. And the fatigue................I hate it!!! I don't think things will ever get back to normal.
We have to hang in there........ Hugs.......JoMama
I agree with all of you. I don't think we can ever go back to the way we were, but, we can move forward and do it happily!0 -
I don't think we will everEveningStar2 said:yes
The short answer is yes. Someone, somewhere said that you can't consider yourself "over" this for a year and I'm really beginning to believe that. My course was not as involved as yours but it is over and I'm not the same person that I was and DH doesn't get. He tries and we do OK but I'm still finding my new "normal".
Maureen
I don't think we will ever be the same. I don't think that is possible. But, we can be better! That is what I am seeking. The bc will always be in my mind somewhere, but, I choose to put it in the back, and, to enjoy everyday cancer free!0 -
I agree with you guys. IKylez said:I don't think we will ever
I don't think we will ever be the same. I don't think that is possible. But, we can be better! That is what I am seeking. The bc will always be in my mind somewhere, but, I choose to put it in the back, and, to enjoy everyday cancer free!
I agree with you guys. I don't think we can let go of bc. How can we? But, as some of you said, you can choose to live your life fully or you can let bc rule it and ruin it. I choose to live a full life! I conquered bc! It is gone!0
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