Any Young Caregivers Out There?

JessieB

I'm a 23 yr. old who dropped out of college to take care of my mother who has stage 4 ovarian cancer. I have recently realized that while my mom is a fighter, there is no end in sight for the chemo. Her doctor told us that she should receive all of the chemo she can possibly handle in an effort to buy her time. My father died when I was much younger so my mom is all i have left.

I am devastated.

Are there any other young caregivers on here who can relate? I feel so alone.

gthufford

I don't feel as young as I used too...
JessieB,

What a courageous choice you have made to leave (hopefully temporarily) college to do this for your mother. As you scan through this site, you will see many posts about family and friends (usually children) who totally drop the ball and don't help. I'll bet there will be a lot of people who read your post and wish they had children as un-selfish as you are.

It has been a long time since I was 23, but I do sometimes feel like I'm on the younger side of the scale. I'm 39, and my wife is 39 (stage 3 kidney cancer, 9th month of a 12 month chemo treatment, struggling but the end of chemo is quickly approaching).

Also - I am sorry that you are going through this, and that you already lost one of your parents. Everyone on this site is going through their own journey, and your's sounds very challenging.

I hope that you find some help and support on this site. God bless you and thank you for making the choice that you have made for your Mother.

JessieB

gthufford said:

I don't feel as young as I used too...
JessieB,

What a courageous choice you have made to leave (hopefully temporarily) college to do this for your mother. As you scan through this site, you will see many posts about family and friends (usually children) who totally drop the ball and don't help. I'll bet there will be a lot of people who read your post and wish they had children as un-selfish as you are.

It has been a long time since I was 23, but I do sometimes feel like I'm on the younger side of the scale. I'm 39, and my wife is 39 (stage 3 kidney cancer, 9th month of a 12 month chemo treatment, struggling but the end of chemo is quickly approaching).

Also - I am sorry that you are going through this, and that you already lost one of your parents. Everyone on this site is going through their own journey, and your's sounds very challenging.

I hope that you find some help and support on this site. God bless you and thank you for making the choice that you have made for your Mother.

Thank You

gthufford,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I wish you and your wife the absolute best.

akbetty

JessieB said:

Thank You

gthufford,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I wish you and your wife the absolute best.

JessieB
I doubt that you will find many caregivers as young as you are here, but please know that you are not alone. We all have different situations, and different challenges, but we are all here because we are trying to cope with some of the hardest experiences of our lives. I'm sorry that at your age you have to face these problems, but it sounds like you are dedicated to helping your mom. I admire you for that. I'm 43, but I still have a young family (2 teenagers and a 3 year old). My husband has stage 4 lung cancer, and after 2 years of fighting we both feel a lot older. This is a tough journey, but you will be amazed when you find you have more strength than you ever thought possible. I wish all the best for you and your mom.

slickwilly

akbetty said:

JessieB
I doubt that you will find many caregivers as young as you are here, but please know that you are not alone. We all have different situations, and different challenges, but we are all here because we are trying to cope with some of the hardest experiences of our lives. I'm sorry that at your age you have to face these problems, but it sounds like you are dedicated to helping your mom. I admire you for that. I'm 43, but I still have a young family (2 teenagers and a 3 year old). My husband has stage 4 lung cancer, and after 2 years of fighting we both feel a lot older. This is a tough journey, but you will be amazed when you find you have more strength than you ever thought possible. I wish all the best for you and your mom.

JessieB
You are a very special young woman that any parent would be proud of. And you are learning lessions about life that people twice your age don't know or understand. I am sorry about this major turn in your life but I also know you will never regret the time your spending with your mother. As things move forward there will be many rough times and I hope you will come here to talk with us. All of the individuals here have a wealth of information they have gained through experience. A caregiver always needs to find some time for themselves as its easy to get burnt out and then your not much good to yourself or anyone else. So find a way to get some needed breaks and stress relief. I hope for the best for you and your mother. Slickwilly

hunpot

your time is precious now with mom
Jessie-
lost my mom almsot a year ago and its the hardest thing i/ we have EVER had to go through and still go through to this day. I am only 36 i was my moms caregiver she had stage 4 SCC(throat cancer) she only lived 16 months after fighting so hard radiation, surgery and then chemo. I lost my dad when i was only 11 so i was very close to mom as im sure you are to your mom. The advice i can give you is take lots and lots of pictures now also record her voice on a machine or take a video when she is happy because i miss moms voice so MUCH and would love to hear her talk now. If you can go away somewhere nice for a vacation or even small get away swimmimg, casino, camping whatever you two like and enjoy this will be your most precious moment to remember later on we took mom on cruise and it was the best and thats what i remember most becasue she was the happiest woman alive and me and my sister were able to share that with her before it got to late.
Im sorry you had to drop out of college but remember college will be here later on but mom may not so for now you take care of her and do what you feel is right and believe and spend all the time you can with her just remind her you love her will always be ther for her and you two will fight together till the end, it will be very very hard and challenging but do not ever give up hope miracles happen and it CAn happen to you, if it doesnt then at leaset you have gotten to do things with mom while you can and college can wait and when you do finally go back to college it will be to show mom that your a strong brave woman and that you can do it for her to make her proud of you, Remember she wants you to be happy and strong dont ever forget that. Take care of yourself, stay positive and strong and brave, and try to do things for yourself even while taking care of mom have friends, family, neighbors help you and DO not feel bad about asking or demanding they help you will need breaks and time to breathe for you and her,
MAny prayers to you and her and many HUGS sent your way..
Keep her comfortable and happy as long as you can and just be there to love, hold cry and laugh and smile with her. she loves you with all her heart and she doesnt want this no more then you want this just try to remember that because this will be hard on her knowing she is puttin you through this just tell and remind her there is nowhere else you would rather be the with mom who has taken care of you and made you into this smart , bright caring wonderful woman and now its your turn to return all those favors she did for you she is proud of you dont ever forget that,,
your friend
tracy

evokvf

You are not alone!
I'm also 23... my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a freshman in college and I moved home my senior year to be with her. She died in 2007 and almost a year to the day later my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. I'm the only one around really, plus I'm the oldest of three... my siblings are much younger. I was working full time but lost my job and am unable to finish grad school now. I understand the devastation and probably many of the other things you're feeling...

JessieB

evokvf said:

You are not alone!
I'm also 23... my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a freshman in college and I moved home my senior year to be with her. She died in 2007 and almost a year to the day later my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. I'm the only one around really, plus I'm the oldest of three... my siblings are much younger. I was working full time but lost my job and am unable to finish grad school now. I understand the devastation and probably many of the other things you're feeling...

I'm not alone!
Thanks for all the responses, everyone. You all are so kind. I'm currently enrolled in night school so I can finish my degree little by little. My first priority is my mom, though. I have a job that allows me to work around her chemotherapy schedule. My family and I are planning a vacation for later on in the summer so some good memories will be made, I'm sure.

Evokvf, I'm sorry to hear about your mom and now your Dad. Hang in there. You definitely have your plate full taking care of your Dad and trying to remain strong for you other siblings.

glasus

JessieB said:

I'm not alone!
Thanks for all the responses, everyone. You all are so kind. I'm currently enrolled in night school so I can finish my degree little by little. My first priority is my mom, though. I have a job that allows me to work around her chemotherapy schedule. My family and I are planning a vacation for later on in the summer so some good memories will be made, I'm sure.

Evokvf, I'm sorry to hear about your mom and now your Dad. Hang in there. You definitely have your plate full taking care of your Dad and trying to remain strong for you other siblings.

You are not alone!
At this site you will find more people willing to listen, ask questions of belive me. Just talking in the chat room made me wonder why I took so long to find this place. It's a road that may be tough, but just remember; There are angels everywhere, keep your eyes open and you will find them,

mellyb10

Jessie,
I am 29 and the
Jessie,
I am 29 and the primary caregiver for my mom who has vulvular/rectal cancer. She has been fighting off and on since 2000 and I have always been the one to take care of her. My husband, 3 year old sons, and I ended up moving in with my mom this time and are helping her through the end stages of life.
PLEASE lean on your friends, or at least the ones that are still there. We do not expect to loose our parents this young and I only wish that my boys would know their grandmother more, but my husband and close friends have been wonderful. When your mom's friends ask how they can help, give them specifics - do some laundry, go grocery shopping, organize meals, and most importantly, sit with your mom while you go and do something for yourself. I am just getting to that point of letting other people take care of her and it took my husband and best friend setting up a surprise day where she kidnapped me for a whole day while my sister took care of my mom. I came home feeling so much better and ready to tackle the next set of problems.
And remember that you are not alone. I know that it feels like that, but what you are doing is something so special for your mom and I hope allows you to form an even deeper connection with her.

natalyg

I'm right there with you!
I'm right there with you! I'm 24, and dropped out of college/moved back home this year to take care of my mom. She was diagnosed with a Grade IV brain tumor in April and every thing's been moving so fast ever since. She is currently in a rehabilitation center and I spent every single day with her (most nights too)! She's almost done with her radiation treatment, but over the past week things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. My mom is my best friend and seeing her get worse is really hard to handle. I'm not ready to give up yet and my mom is definitely not giving up that easily.

I've had a lot of people tell me, "well, at least this happened when you were older.." but to me, 24's not that old. There's still SOOOO MUCH I want to share with her.

My heart goes out to you and your mom! You are both in my prayers! I hope the chemo is effective. Stay strong and enjoy every minute you're with her. I'm sure she appreciates everything you're doing for her!

MomMyGuardianAngel5509

I can relate
I am 22 and have been a caregiver to my mother who had breast cancer. I too was juggling college and being a caregiver, although, I had help from my sibilings and dad.

I just graduated in May when I unfortunately lost my mother. It was tough juggling taking care of her whenever I could but it was worth every moment I got to spend with her.

You are clearly doing all you can. You are a selfless individual and your mom is lucky to have you. You being there must mean the world to her, it did to my mom. Just remember, you are the reason why she doesn't have to go through all of this alone. But you also need to remember, that you are not alone. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

crispee74

caregiver
hey jessie i just found out my mom has stage 4 throat cancer (she doesn't even smoke)the dr thinks she has a 70% chance of fighting it but i seen the 2 tumors that she has and i don't forsee her being here a year longer. she live's in pa with a s***bag of a husband so i've been taking drives 2 1/2 hours away to take her to the dr's, the store and help her with whatever she needs. she has a trache and a feeding tube. she is also a fighter and she doesn't know the severity of her cancer and the dr suggested we don't tell her because he doesn't want her to give up.
i just lost my nana 6 months ago to c.o.p.d (a form of emphsyma) and i took car of her the last 2 years and the last 5 months of her life i lived with her. i am a little older then you (35) but i do understand what its like to sacrifice your life for people you love and it is extremely difficult. i too feel alone sometimes and i try to remember that i'm not and neither are you. i also have a 13 year old daugther whom is very close to my mom and i have to tell her her nanny has cancer. that i am not looking forward to. it's going to be the hardest. i don't know what the next day will bring but i will try to spend as much time with mom as i can and you should do the same. but we also have to remember to take care of ourselves and that is not easy, i'm on all sorts of pills but nothing seems to be working, i can't sleep, eat, think or even go to work because i'm afraid she will call because something is wrong and i won't be able to get her phone call until it's too late.
do you have any friends who have family members with cancer? if so, talk to them they would probably be able to comfort you. do you have any other family memebers that can help you

Fighting4Mom

im 22 and caring for mom
I am so glad to see that I am not alone! I don't know if you will read this because it is November and you posted in May, but I am 22 and just withdrew from my university in May to care for my mom full time. She was diagnosed with multiple myeloma which is a type of blood cancer...and she is a fighter too! She has gone through chemo and radiation and is currently in remission. It is so sad to know that until there is a cure, maintenance chemo will always be there though (to buy them time.) I have cried and cried since the day we found out. I have gotten angry and bitter at the world. I have even gotten upset with her at times. But it all boils down to the fact that I am scared to death to lose her. I need my mom more than anything else in this world. She is my best friend. Sadly, I also feel alone too and miss the days before cancer existed in our lives. It isn't easy to be a caregiver (especially at our age!) My mom is my world and I can't imagine my life without her. I think of the day when I will get married...have my first baby...graduate college...and I can't imagine her not being there. We are living on Hope right now, but I have a feeling deep inside that tells me "everything is gonna be alright." And, then I imagine the future, and she is definately there! I think that is what we all have to do, to stay strong and believe. Nobody deserves this, but if you look deeper and find meaning in this horrible situation it is possible to see a silver lining. Maybe this is a sign that the world needs to change. We need to be active in finding out what causes cancer and preventing it. Keep your head up because you are not alone (and I am so happy to know that I'm not either!) If you ever want to talk I am sure we have a lot in common. I wish you and your mom the very best. A cure is on its way!!!

Bonj

You are certainly not alone
Hi Jessie,

I am 30 now but I have been fighting this battle with my husband now for the past 4 years. Sometimes you do feel pretty alone, like no one knows or understands what you are going through, and I can certainly relate to that. But know that you really aren't. There are plenty of people here who will understand where you are coming from. I also found that speaking to someone, like a therapist, helps tremendously. It's a heavy burden to carry and you can't be afraid to ask for, or accept, help. Best of luck to you and your mom.

Jess

heatherstar70

jessb im27
hi Im 27 and i used to take care of my mother...i feel alone too right now.. but this site seems to be helping me alot..
you have to remember what your mom has always told you.. and keep that close to your heart.. you have to be strong for her when you are around her.. make her laugh as much as possible.. and tell her everyday how much you love her..maybe since chemo is over she can evjoy her life..

stay strong girl i know you can do this.. i will be here if you need me and would love to talk more

heather

membermeg

I can relate
I am 27 years old and just lost my mom to a 20 year battle with breast cancer. I am in a very demanding health field job and when our family knew it was getting towards the end, I took time off, I did not care if there were consequences for all my time off bc the most important thing to me was spending as much time with my mother that God would allow. It is a long story but she was rediagnosed about 5 years ago and the chemo started to be ineffective a couple months ago. There are so many options for chemos that I never gave up. I was blessed to have an amazing supportive father and family. However, I knew I needed to be there for her as well. She was my best friend and we were 2 peas in a pod. I took a leave of absence when we thought we had a few months left and a week later she passed away. Nothing in this world is worth taking time away from mother and daughter time. You want to be there for her no matter what. My mother too was a fighter and I learned so much from just watching her handle what 99% of people could not handle, and she did it with grace. You will have a special bond with your mother that not many people can say they ever had. I am so sorry to hear your story, my heart hurts for your situation. It is time to show one another so much love and care and draw strenght from one another. Again, I am sorry and will pray for your situation. It is so hard to see your mother so sick and I feel your pain

1Day@ATime

I can totally relate!!
I am only 30 years old and I am losing my mom to cancer. She has Stage IV metastatic cancer that has spread to most of her bones, (entire spine, ribs, skull, butt bone, shoulder blades, etc). They have been unable to find the primary and its so painful to watch her go through this. The tumors were getting so big in her spine they started to fracture her back. She is a school teacher and has insisted she teaches until she cant do it anymore. I worry everyday that she is doing too much and see her struggling just to walk to the car. I have quit my job and concentrate solely on her drs appointments and juggling her home and mine.

I have been having a tough time dealing with this as well, sometimes I feel like my mom is all I have left. I think the hardest thing is I am only 30 and everyone that was my "family" as a child will be gone when she passes. Growing up it was me, my mom, my brother, my dad and my grandmother. I watched my brother get hit by a car when I was 8. My grandmother stepped in to help take care of me while my mom tried to get through my brothers death and my moms first bout of cancer, then my grandmother passed, and it was just me and my mom sofr many years. My father is not around because he treats me so bad, I decided life would be less stressful with him out of it...and now my mom has less tan a year too live.

Now with all that being said....I do have an amazing husband and three awesome kids, oh and in laws that love me more than life. SO no matter how hard life gets sometimes...and trust me I know how hard it can get....someone always has it worse. I always feel like when will it get easier? I am grateful for what I do have and the people who are here. I am going to miss my mom more than anything, but I am so glad that i knew her and was able to spend all these years with her. I know there are women out there that never got to know their moms....I was lucky enough to spend 30 years with her. And all that we got through together made us that much closer.

So please remember, no matter how hard it gets....no matter how tough the situation, you CAN get through it. remember there is always someone out there that has a worse situation. And what doesnt kill us makes us stronger!! I wish you the best honey!

XOXO
Cassie

allison731

the pain will never go away
Hi everyone,

It breaks my heart hearing all of your stories, so similar to mine, adn to think I was so lonely in this world where nobody knew how I felt.. boy was I wrong! Just some words from someone who knows what it's like.. I was 15 when I found out my mom was diagnosed with an unknown source of cancer. I didn't even know what to think at my age, all I knew was that I would become her caregiver. With no father present, my two older siblings were off at college, and nobody else was living at home with the two of us. Cancer changed our whole lifestyle. She quit her job, began chemo and radiation, and I did whatever I could to ease the pain and let her live as long as she could. She was given about 5 months. But she didn't pass until 2 years and a month later. July 18, 2009 will stay in my heart forever because it was truly the last time I told my mom I loved her. She passed away 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, and am still so deeply lost without her. I was there when God took her.. and even though it was sad to say the least, it was beautiful. We all got our one on one time with her. But I will never, for the rest of my life, forget the words she spoke to me. I know she is watching over me everyday, just like your mothers and fathers and wives and husbands. And if your loved one is still alive, cherish those memories that you both have together. Tell them you love them multiple times a day because once it is taken from you, you will never get those moments back.

It hurts, it really does knowing my mom won't be at my high school graduation, nor my college, my wedding, or my kids wont be able to know their grandma, or any other holidays or family get togethers. Everywhere I drive, I wish my mom was in the passenger seat.. or everytime I am watching t.v. I wish she was on the other couch all bundled up because she was always so cold.. or everytime I come home from school or go to bed, I wish I could tell her how good my day was or I love you. With all the sadness that I had and still have with my mom's passing, I am so thankful for the time I did have with her, for the independent time we spent together, and the friendship and mother-daughter relationship we grew.

With all the sadness your heart is experincing, remeber that they love you, I know my mom did!