I know you will understand!
I am the positive one in the family. People say I'm always smiling and laughing. I'm going through a pretty good time right now. Chemo is over. I have just had my surgery and have a free week before they start radiation. I'm not frightened of the cancer or the treatments. Apart from a little tiredness, I really feel pretty good..at least compared to the last 6 months. I have a super husband and the family have been very supportive. Why is it then that I could cry at the drop of a hat? Over the last couple of weeks I have had to fight back the tears...can't let the family know..they would think I had lost it. Don't think they have ever seen their Mother cry.
I know the answer to my own question I think...it's just nice to be able to vent to people who have felt the same way. Have a good Memorial Day all!
Comments
-
Oh sweetie........
I know too well about that "strong one in the family" thing. I was raised that way, and my siblings all expect that I still be that way, no matter what. EVERYONE in my family was expected to be strong and stoic, growing up.
I think that the only one who has ever seen me break down is my husband.
When I got my dx and was starting treatment, my 28 yr. old son would stop to say hello and then would end up in tears because of what was going on with me. I would find myself comforting him and reassuring him, instead of the other way around. Still being the strong one. But after he left, I would cry into my pillow.
It's really tough when what you WANT to do is drop to the floor and sob and scream. But instead, you put on a normal, smiling face and declare to others that "it's ok".
It was so helpful for me to come here and talk about my fears and my sadness. So many understanding people.
I still do my crying when nobody is around because sometimes it just HAS to come out. It's very cathartic and very normal. But sometimes too, it would be nice to have an arm around my shoulder when I have a meltdown.
Great big hugs for you,
CR0 -
Hey there
I think we all
Hey there
I think we all feel like we have to put up the strong front, but when the stress overwhelmes you , it has to come out some way.....I've sat alone in my bed and had a good cry many times.
But also, there are some posts right now talking about the lack of estrogen after chemo causing a chemical depression. This is something you might discuss with your Onc. Since I am ER+ I'll be on anti estrogen meds for years after my treatment is complete so I was interested in this subject. Right now I have bad moments, but if they start becoming bad days, weeks, etc...I will seek some antidepressants if need be.
I'm just getting ready to start chemo so this kind of info has helped me prepare for what might come. I hope you feel better.
Dee0 -
Hey...dyaneb123 said:Hey there
I think we all
Hey there
I think we all feel like we have to put up the strong front, but when the stress overwhelmes you , it has to come out some way.....I've sat alone in my bed and had a good cry many times.
But also, there are some posts right now talking about the lack of estrogen after chemo causing a chemical depression. This is something you might discuss with your Onc. Since I am ER+ I'll be on anti estrogen meds for years after my treatment is complete so I was interested in this subject. Right now I have bad moments, but if they start becoming bad days, weeks, etc...I will seek some antidepressants if need be.
I'm just getting ready to start chemo so this kind of info has helped me prepare for what might come. I hope you feel better.
Dee
Understand completely. Been there, got the t-shirt AND the video! I had to go on "Happy Pills" about 4 months ago, I just wasn't myself at all. Don't be afraid of antidepressants if and when you need them...As you can see by some of my posts... they sure don't Dumb you Down at all, if you find the right one.
Huge Hugs to you. Luv Jxxxxxxxxxx0 -
We all need to release the
We all need to release the emotional strain of the cancer experience. I believe crying is one way the body "washes out" excess stress, just like the body has a way of "washing out" excess other excess waste. I also think it is OK for those we love to see us crying from time to time, especially if there is a legitimate reason...and the stresses related to cancer do add up to a legitimate reason. For myself and my children, seeing me cry has made it OK for them to do so. They have seen me cry, then they have seen me get over it and move on. Crying does not mean I am becoming totally dysfunctional. Crying is temporary. For me crying is like a pressure cooker...the pressure builds up and builds up till the steam shoots out the top. It's hot and noisy, then it settles back down again. It seems like your family has been supportive so far. Maybe you could explain to them that the best way for them to support you right now is to let you "blow off steam" with tears when you need to...its just part of being a survivor.
I hope this helps, seof0 -
It just happensseof said:We all need to release the
We all need to release the emotional strain of the cancer experience. I believe crying is one way the body "washes out" excess stress, just like the body has a way of "washing out" excess other excess waste. I also think it is OK for those we love to see us crying from time to time, especially if there is a legitimate reason...and the stresses related to cancer do add up to a legitimate reason. For myself and my children, seeing me cry has made it OK for them to do so. They have seen me cry, then they have seen me get over it and move on. Crying does not mean I am becoming totally dysfunctional. Crying is temporary. For me crying is like a pressure cooker...the pressure builds up and builds up till the steam shoots out the top. It's hot and noisy, then it settles back down again. It seems like your family has been supportive so far. Maybe you could explain to them that the best way for them to support you right now is to let you "blow off steam" with tears when you need to...its just part of being a survivor.
I hope this helps, seof
I also fill that family role of the strong one, even though I've always had problems with depression. Even depressed, I was still the one to count on in an emergency, and the one that got made sure everything that needed to be done got done, and then some.
I hate crying. My dysfunctional Dad once told me, when I was a kid and sometime after he and my Mom got divorced, that tears were a sign of weakness and a woman's way of getting what she wanted from a man.... Since I adored him, I wanted to be whatever he thought was "good," so I never cried in front of anyone, and rarely cried alone after awhile (he was the one thing I could never "have" -- he was too busy chasing women and having a good time, so my hidden tears were usually over losing my Dad).
That's probably way more information than anyone needs here, but it's by way of explaining my particular aversion to crying, even though I agree with seof that crying is a way of getting rid of excess stress. When I got divorced from my previous husband, I remember reading some literature that cited a study that said shedding tears was good for you. Tears welling up, sadness not being "released," didn't alleviate any stress, but just the physical action of letting those teardrops fall somehow helped the body relax a bit and shed some excess cortisol (the "bad" stress hormone).
So even though I still hate crying, I try to allow myself some tears when they need to come. Also, watching movies that have sad parts is often a great catharsis, because I can sob away and everyone thinks it's just the movie and I'm being overly sentimental, but I know that it's pent up emotions as well.
I have taken antidepressants for years in order to survive (as in not commit suicide). They do not affect my personality other than to make my thinking more rational and less "hopeless." When I meet with the oncologist in a couple of weeks, I guess I'm going to have to address the anti-estrogen/depression issue...thanks to those here who have made that connection.
In the end, how can you go through any of this beast-wrestling without occasional tears? For some it's the fear of death, for some it's the loss of body parts, it's the worrying over the rest of our families as opposed to taking better care of ourselves, and it's simply the enormous physical stress of our bodies trying to repair and protect us from the beast AND the cure. So, probably, the real question is: "How come we're not crying more?"
If I were more of a humor columnist, I'd suggest that all cancer survivor's be given special dispensations for tears. And perhaps we could be assigned daily "Crying Times," maybe between the hours of 3-5 p.m. -- we could watch sad movies and sob to our hearts' content (cold washclothes, Kleenex, and popcorn included -- all covered by insurance, of course!).
Love you,
Debi0 -
Great treatise on tearsbfbear said:It just happens
I also fill that family role of the strong one, even though I've always had problems with depression. Even depressed, I was still the one to count on in an emergency, and the one that got made sure everything that needed to be done got done, and then some.
I hate crying. My dysfunctional Dad once told me, when I was a kid and sometime after he and my Mom got divorced, that tears were a sign of weakness and a woman's way of getting what she wanted from a man.... Since I adored him, I wanted to be whatever he thought was "good," so I never cried in front of anyone, and rarely cried alone after awhile (he was the one thing I could never "have" -- he was too busy chasing women and having a good time, so my hidden tears were usually over losing my Dad).
That's probably way more information than anyone needs here, but it's by way of explaining my particular aversion to crying, even though I agree with seof that crying is a way of getting rid of excess stress. When I got divorced from my previous husband, I remember reading some literature that cited a study that said shedding tears was good for you. Tears welling up, sadness not being "released," didn't alleviate any stress, but just the physical action of letting those teardrops fall somehow helped the body relax a bit and shed some excess cortisol (the "bad" stress hormone).
So even though I still hate crying, I try to allow myself some tears when they need to come. Also, watching movies that have sad parts is often a great catharsis, because I can sob away and everyone thinks it's just the movie and I'm being overly sentimental, but I know that it's pent up emotions as well.
I have taken antidepressants for years in order to survive (as in not commit suicide). They do not affect my personality other than to make my thinking more rational and less "hopeless." When I meet with the oncologist in a couple of weeks, I guess I'm going to have to address the anti-estrogen/depression issue...thanks to those here who have made that connection.
In the end, how can you go through any of this beast-wrestling without occasional tears? For some it's the fear of death, for some it's the loss of body parts, it's the worrying over the rest of our families as opposed to taking better care of ourselves, and it's simply the enormous physical stress of our bodies trying to repair and protect us from the beast AND the cure. So, probably, the real question is: "How come we're not crying more?"
If I were more of a humor columnist, I'd suggest that all cancer survivor's be given special dispensations for tears. And perhaps we could be assigned daily "Crying Times," maybe between the hours of 3-5 p.m. -- we could watch sad movies and sob to our hearts' content (cold washclothes, Kleenex, and popcorn included -- all covered by insurance, of course!).
Love you,
Debi
Debi - I am so glad you wrote all that. I have had a hard time crying for most of my adult life and it took a therapist a few months ago to help me learn how to let them flow. It is still not easy for me, but not only movies, but also music helps me release. Try listening to "Wind Beneath My Wings" and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Jackson Browne can get me going too. Lynn0 -
One of the side effects of battling the beast....
Our eyes leak more often (as well as other body parts, depending on which cancer...lol!).
At the start, right after the main fight, emotions are on edge. You have just battled for your life! Survived bodily harm (surgery) and poisoning (chemo). No small feat!!!!
As time passes, this will soften to a strong 'Joie de vie', and, if you nurture it and keep it safe, you will have it for the rest of your life!!!! I smile everyday...and hug people, both verbally and physically.
BIG hugs, Kathi0 -
The strong ones
As most of you know, from my post "dissapointed in my family" I was dubbed the strong one from a very early age. Being the oldest in my family I helped care for my mom when she was ill, and my siblings, trying to shelter them from the pain and being a surrogate mother to them. I also took care of my kids also trying to shelter them from the loss of their father. I was so busy trying to make their life better that I didn't take time to grieve for my own losses, just alone in my room. I was afraid if they saw me sad it would make it worse on them. I remember sneaking to the Dr. asking for valium before my late husbands funeral..because my heart was pounding out of control and i was afraid i would loose it.
I then took jobs as a CNA taking care of others. Don't get me wrong I do find joy in helping others...but I give no thought to what I need. I met my husband Bob about 6 years after my first husbands death and he trys so hard to take care of me. That was new to me but now he has become my security blanket. Yes he insisted i get on anti-depressants and holds me when i cry. I feel like he is my safe-haven. I have depended on his strength to get me through all of this. Now I will be leaving home for rads and he will not be able to go with me each time as he will have to work to pay bills..so I am kinda lost. I know I will be doing alot of praying, and reading..using this time for myself. But there will also be alot of long pent up tears.
I didn't mean for this to sound so tragic. I know this will pass and my hubby will be home waiting with open arms. And my daughter will be staying with me the last couple weeks of rads, in Billings and she is always joyful and full of fun. It will get better..but cry when you need to don't keep it pent up. Then go on and enjoy life.
love and hugs
Jackie0 -
Musicrjjj said:The strong ones
As most of you know, from my post "dissapointed in my family" I was dubbed the strong one from a very early age. Being the oldest in my family I helped care for my mom when she was ill, and my siblings, trying to shelter them from the pain and being a surrogate mother to them. I also took care of my kids also trying to shelter them from the loss of their father. I was so busy trying to make their life better that I didn't take time to grieve for my own losses, just alone in my room. I was afraid if they saw me sad it would make it worse on them. I remember sneaking to the Dr. asking for valium before my late husbands funeral..because my heart was pounding out of control and i was afraid i would loose it.
I then took jobs as a CNA taking care of others. Don't get me wrong I do find joy in helping others...but I give no thought to what I need. I met my husband Bob about 6 years after my first husbands death and he trys so hard to take care of me. That was new to me but now he has become my security blanket. Yes he insisted i get on anti-depressants and holds me when i cry. I feel like he is my safe-haven. I have depended on his strength to get me through all of this. Now I will be leaving home for rads and he will not be able to go with me each time as he will have to work to pay bills..so I am kinda lost. I know I will be doing alot of praying, and reading..using this time for myself. But there will also be alot of long pent up tears.
I didn't mean for this to sound so tragic. I know this will pass and my hubby will be home waiting with open arms. And my daughter will be staying with me the last couple weeks of rads, in Billings and she is always joyful and full of fun. It will get better..but cry when you need to don't keep it pent up. Then go on and enjoy life.
love and hugs
Jackie
Yes, lynn, music helps promote tears as well as movies...sometimes better! Although the ones that do it for me most often are some old Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Emmylou Harris, and Patsy Cline songs.
Hang in there Jackie. It sounds as if you've got a great hubby. And you're right....my favorite motto is also, "This too shall pass." Everything is always changing -- that's the one thing we can all count on!
Love you, all my friends,
Debi0 -
I cried at the drop of a hat
I cried at the drop of a hat all through treatment and for over a year after. Now 3 years after diagnosis, I am still way more emotional than I was before the cancer. I still feel like crying for no reason. I attribute it to post traumatic stress syndrome.0 -
I wish I could reach through
I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you, and let you cry all you want on my shoulder. I have been the strong one too, but I have always cried at the drop of a hat and so does my mother, whom I consider the strongest woman I have ever known. I have a cry for every emotion. It did help me in my job of teaching children of all ages to express their feeling in an socially appropriate manner. I sometimes wish I could turn the tears off, but it's just a part of me. It has to be so hard for you when every fiber of your being wants to let loose. You can cry with me anytime!
Love and gentle hugs,
Donna0 -
hugs to all of youdjteach said:I wish I could reach through
I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you, and let you cry all you want on my shoulder. I have been the strong one too, but I have always cried at the drop of a hat and so does my mother, whom I consider the strongest woman I have ever known. I have a cry for every emotion. It did help me in my job of teaching children of all ages to express their feeling in an socially appropriate manner. I sometimes wish I could turn the tears off, but it's just a part of me. It has to be so hard for you when every fiber of your being wants to let loose. You can cry with me anytime!
Love and gentle hugs,
Donna
Crying....it's the outward sign that we are feeling deeply. Would we cheat ourselves out of a cry for happiness? Then why cheat ourselves out of a need to cry for sadness. For me staying focused on my treatments kept many tears at bay because I had something "to do". Now that the treatments are over I guess crying is my next thing on the "to do " list. I recently told my brother and sister-in-law how down I've been feeling because I've seem to have lost my vision of who I am or where I should be. He wrote me such a heartfelt letter where he told me that he had actually been mad at me because I "changed his vision of our future as brother and sister and he doesn't remember giving me permission to do that. The happily ever after concept was suddenly taken away". He wrote this to me to remind me that it's OK to be scared, cry, scream, just "be". That being said, because "you are one of the strongest persons I know; you will live and enjoy life and stare change in the face and shout I can do this!" A big sis can't let down a little brother now can she.
pass the tissues, please...
dawn0 -
Tender Hugs Coming Your Way
That need to cry and vent is oh so normal, just think of all you have been through! Cancer is truly an emotional disease. It doesn't just disrupt our lives for a short time, it disrupts it for the rest of our lives. No matter what others may think we simply cannot return to exactly who we were prior to cancer. It is down right scary and exhausting to battle, so once you have done so you are bound to need a good cry now and then. I have been cancer free now for nearly 2 years and if I think about it too much it can bring me to tears. Don't be too hard on yourself, if you need a good cry let it flow you will feel better for it.
Much Love,
RE0 -
ThanksRE said:Tender Hugs Coming Your Way
That need to cry and vent is oh so normal, just think of all you have been through! Cancer is truly an emotional disease. It doesn't just disrupt our lives for a short time, it disrupts it for the rest of our lives. No matter what others may think we simply cannot return to exactly who we were prior to cancer. It is down right scary and exhausting to battle, so once you have done so you are bound to need a good cry now and then. I have been cancer free now for nearly 2 years and if I think about it too much it can bring me to tears. Don't be too hard on yourself, if you need a good cry let it flow you will feel better for it.
Much Love,
RE
Thank you all. As always, you are there when needed.0 -
Sausage, I am sorry
Sausage, I am sorry that I missed your post earlier. Venting is one of the most important ways that we are here for each other. I hope that you do feel better after writing and receiving all the wonderful responses from our sisters in pink.
They have said all and more than I could; I don't have any answers or insight that they have not shared. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
And I do think that those of us who have many, many more hats than we ever wanted to have deserve to have a good cry when one of them drops.0 -
Debibfbear said:It just happens
I also fill that family role of the strong one, even though I've always had problems with depression. Even depressed, I was still the one to count on in an emergency, and the one that got made sure everything that needed to be done got done, and then some.
I hate crying. My dysfunctional Dad once told me, when I was a kid and sometime after he and my Mom got divorced, that tears were a sign of weakness and a woman's way of getting what she wanted from a man.... Since I adored him, I wanted to be whatever he thought was "good," so I never cried in front of anyone, and rarely cried alone after awhile (he was the one thing I could never "have" -- he was too busy chasing women and having a good time, so my hidden tears were usually over losing my Dad).
That's probably way more information than anyone needs here, but it's by way of explaining my particular aversion to crying, even though I agree with seof that crying is a way of getting rid of excess stress. When I got divorced from my previous husband, I remember reading some literature that cited a study that said shedding tears was good for you. Tears welling up, sadness not being "released," didn't alleviate any stress, but just the physical action of letting those teardrops fall somehow helped the body relax a bit and shed some excess cortisol (the "bad" stress hormone).
So even though I still hate crying, I try to allow myself some tears when they need to come. Also, watching movies that have sad parts is often a great catharsis, because I can sob away and everyone thinks it's just the movie and I'm being overly sentimental, but I know that it's pent up emotions as well.
I have taken antidepressants for years in order to survive (as in not commit suicide). They do not affect my personality other than to make my thinking more rational and less "hopeless." When I meet with the oncologist in a couple of weeks, I guess I'm going to have to address the anti-estrogen/depression issue...thanks to those here who have made that connection.
In the end, how can you go through any of this beast-wrestling without occasional tears? For some it's the fear of death, for some it's the loss of body parts, it's the worrying over the rest of our families as opposed to taking better care of ourselves, and it's simply the enormous physical stress of our bodies trying to repair and protect us from the beast AND the cure. So, probably, the real question is: "How come we're not crying more?"
If I were more of a humor columnist, I'd suggest that all cancer survivor's be given special dispensations for tears. And perhaps we could be assigned daily "Crying Times," maybe between the hours of 3-5 p.m. -- we could watch sad movies and sob to our hearts' content (cold washclothes, Kleenex, and popcorn included -- all covered by insurance, of course!).
Love you,
Debi
Dear Debi, your message is both moving and insightful and generous. It is good of you to share your life experience to help Sausageroll and us all.
I do hope that your post-surgery pain has lessened and that you are able to avoid doing more than you should. Please try. You are cared for greatly here.0 -
thinking of you
Sausage, your friends on this site already covered it all, but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and am your cry buddy as well!
I am in post treatment now, and still cry quite a bit. Part of it is just getting older and softer, and part of it is the journey!
Let the tears flow. You always feel so much better afterwards :-)
Love, Debbie0
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