Alone again...and sad

bfbear
bfbear Member Posts: 380
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hello all,

Well, tomorrow it will have been 2 wks. since my surgery. I took my sister to the airport this afternoon, and now me, my husband, and our daughter are alone again...with Willow, the puppy, of course.

My advice on puppies after surgery: don't get one!! I adore this little sweetheart, but she is the straw that is breaking the camel's back. In and out and in and out and in and out. We are all exhausted. (Because I had committed to this puppy prior to my diagnosis, and we had been visiting it weekly since her birth, it would have been pretty impossible to have backed out...).

I am so exhausted and because I'm exhausted (and in pain, although not enough for me to take those stupid pain pills again) I am depressed and weepy. I miss my sister and her help already. Tonight has been a disaster.

I hate being sore and stiff and watching my body deteriorate from lack of use. The sports bras I have to wear for the reconstructive part to heal, are instruments of torture, they are so painful! People want to help by bringing food, but not much else (like puppy sitting for a couple of hours). So my husband found a dog/house sitter today who is going to come help, but at $18/hour I am less than enthused about using her a whole lot.

Now Xiaoxiao is coming down with a cold, and she and my husband Rich are stressed and tired beyond words as well from working on this big school project that is due tomorrow. We are all a mess!!

So.......I am venting here, now that I have my computer back (my sister was hogging it, but I wasn't about to complain!).

Sorry to whine so much. I know it could be so much worse. It just seems like it's a vicious cycle: you have to rest to heal, but you can't rest because there's too much to do, and people only want to help with what they want to do as opposed to what you need, so you keep doing, but everybody says, "You need to rest to get better," and you need to rest to heal, and so on, etc. etc. etc.

Wah, wah, wah. Boo hoo. I guess I'm having a pity party. Forgive me.

Love you all,
Debi
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Comments

  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    Oh Debi, nothing to forgive.
    Oh Debi, nothing to forgive. You are so fresh out of surgery, good grief, it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Let other members deal with the puppy if you can. They may have a cold but you've had surgery and are going through one of the most traumatic experiences you likely will have in your life. Crack open the pain meds, get a good book and go to bed. It's not forever but some good rest will make all the difference in your outlook. This cancer can be a good teacher. Teaching us to express our needs instead of putting up with whatever happens. Teaching us to say no when we want to say no. Let them know,"if you really want to help", or "what I need right now is". It will get better Debi, chin up hon. Sending you some big cyber hugs :)
    love
    jan
  • ritazimm
    ritazimm Member Posts: 171
    You deserve to have a pity party!
    Don't apologize or feel guilty here about complaining and having a pity party. We all know only too well how much you REALLY deserve to have a pity party. For some reason, pity parties seem to go hand in hand with complete physical and emotional exhaustion and it sounds to me like that is exactly where you are right now! You have my prayers Debi. Keep plugging along and try to give yourself as much rest as possible - both physical and mental rest are needed!!! I think your family will also get much mental relief if they can see you getting rest. Even if it leaves more physical things for them to do, they will feel peace in seeing you more rested.

    God bless!
    Rita
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    geez, bf....
    I'd 'sit' your house and 'water' your dog for a lot less than $18 an hour.
    I know how you feel about people wanting to 'help' ....as long as they get to do only what they want to do. How 'bout if you post a list of things you need done by the front door. Then when someone stops by and says, 'if there's anything I can do...', you got em cold. And keep the same list by the phone for those too chicken to actually show up.
    If the pain meds have side effects you can't deal with ask your dr for something different. One of the things about managing pain is to zap it before it builds up or hangs on long enough to wear you out. It drains you. No wonder you are tired and weepy.
    I don't think this is a bonafied pity party...sounds as if you have too much on your plate. If $18 an hour is what it takes, then by all means go for it. Just get some RELIEF.
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    Oh Debi........
    I realy, really wish that I lived close to you! I would love to help you out and be there to give you a shoulder to cry on!
    I know you are overwhelmed right now. Who wouldn't be!
    And I'm sure that you are just so tired.

    Your body WILL heal, even though things are painful now and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Get a crate....some people don't believe in crate training a dog, but I do....and put Willow in it for a couple of hours at a time. She will be absolutely fine. And it will benefit her in the end. Put a little blanket in there and have hubby put the crate where you will not hear crying....and she will cry at first.....then go and lie down and get some rest. She will be unhappy for the first few times, but she will be perfectly safe. Most dogs come to enjoy their crates as their "dens" and a place to get away and rest themselves, once they adjust to it.
    As long as you don't use the crate as a punishment, it will be fine.

    You have to think of you right now. And you need to get rest. Your puppy will not hold a grudge.

    I just wish that I couold do something for you.

    CR
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    This may not help but we had
    This may not help but we had just bought a house 5 months before I was diagnosed and I made my husband fence in part of the yard so I wouldn't have to take the dog out on a leash. If she were loose she'd ran away. I know how much work puppies are anyway even with a fence. Maybe confine the puppy to a smaller area like the kitchen. When our dog was a puppy we had a crate and when I couldn't watch her, we put her in the crate. Puppies sleep alot anyway and this would give you time to rest.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Pity Party!!!
    Call everyone you know~ are you part of a church? Call your fellow churchgoers and tell them you need help! Is there a school child of an appropriate age who would LOVE helping with the puppy but would take, say 9 dollars an hour? Is there a neighbor who has offered to help you? Now you have something that neighbor can do~ help with the puppy!

    We women are so used to being caregivers and nurturers~ it is against our nature to ASK for help! But you need to. Put the shoe on the proverbial other foot~ if you knew a neighbor needed YOUR help, what would you do? Time's up! You would help! (not leaving men out of the equasion at all) but thats what we as women do!!! It's what your sister did until she had to leave! ASK ASK ASK!!!!

    No apologies about venting~ it is truly the beauty of this place, isn't it????

    But now that you have venting out of your system~ get some help! Not only do you need it, you DESERVE it!

    HUgs,
    Claudia
  • bfbear
    bfbear Member Posts: 380
    chenheart said:

    Pity Party!!!
    Call everyone you know~ are you part of a church? Call your fellow churchgoers and tell them you need help! Is there a school child of an appropriate age who would LOVE helping with the puppy but would take, say 9 dollars an hour? Is there a neighbor who has offered to help you? Now you have something that neighbor can do~ help with the puppy!

    We women are so used to being caregivers and nurturers~ it is against our nature to ASK for help! But you need to. Put the shoe on the proverbial other foot~ if you knew a neighbor needed YOUR help, what would you do? Time's up! You would help! (not leaving men out of the equasion at all) but thats what we as women do!!! It's what your sister did until she had to leave! ASK ASK ASK!!!!

    No apologies about venting~ it is truly the beauty of this place, isn't it????

    But now that you have venting out of your system~ get some help! Not only do you need it, you DESERVE it!

    HUgs,
    Claudia

    Thank you for listening...
    and all your good advice.

    Although we got a crate before we brought her home, and Willow's been sleeping in it at night, I haven't been able to leave her for more than 5 minutes and listen to her pitiful crying. One of the first days after surgery, when I went in for a check up, we left her in the crate for 3 hours, I was too out of it to remember that they need to get used to it a little at a time, and she seemed so traumatized when we returned that I haven't been able to shut her in it again except at night... You have given me new resolve.

    The crate was out in the family room until last night, and Rich was sleeping on the couch keeping her company and making sure she didn't have to go out in the middle of the night. (God bless him). Last night he moved the crate into our bedroom so he could sleep in our bed again. They did fine, but my discomfort, and inability to sleep on my side or stomach, keeps me pretty restless at night and I was worried about disturbing them!! Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch tonight!!

    Perhaps, instead of posting needs on the front door, I should send out an email to all those people who have said they wanted to help... I'll put that on my list for tomorrow.

    I'm gonna try to get some rest...

    Thanks for all your outpourings of love and support (yet again!!!). I don't know what I'd do without you.

    Love you,
    Debi
  • bjmccann2
    bjmccann2 Member Posts: 3
    bfbear said:

    Thank you for listening...
    and all your good advice.

    Although we got a crate before we brought her home, and Willow's been sleeping in it at night, I haven't been able to leave her for more than 5 minutes and listen to her pitiful crying. One of the first days after surgery, when I went in for a check up, we left her in the crate for 3 hours, I was too out of it to remember that they need to get used to it a little at a time, and she seemed so traumatized when we returned that I haven't been able to shut her in it again except at night... You have given me new resolve.

    The crate was out in the family room until last night, and Rich was sleeping on the couch keeping her company and making sure she didn't have to go out in the middle of the night. (God bless him). Last night he moved the crate into our bedroom so he could sleep in our bed again. They did fine, but my discomfort, and inability to sleep on my side or stomach, keeps me pretty restless at night and I was worried about disturbing them!! Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch tonight!!

    Perhaps, instead of posting needs on the front door, I should send out an email to all those people who have said they wanted to help... I'll put that on my list for tomorrow.

    I'm gonna try to get some rest...

    Thanks for all your outpourings of love and support (yet again!!!). I don't know what I'd do without you.

    Love you,
    Debi

    HI bfbear
    I too am only 12

    HI bfbear
    I too am only 12 more rad treatments away from finally not having to do something everyday. I had a lot of support from hubby and a few real friends. I also have the ones that said they would be here for me and I have yet to hear from some of them. I have one that said she gets depressed knowing that I have had cancer. Oh well I throw myself a pity party and feel much better and then I just do what I can and let the rest sit until I am ready. You deserve time to yourself to rest and not worry about the puppy he or she will be fine. I also wish I were by you and I would help in any way I could. Only a cancer person really understands and knows what you are going through. The ACS has really helped me and been there for me all the way. I also have a avocate from the hospital who has also been calling and checking me. Do you have any of those resorces by you? Hoping you get the rest you need. Better days are coming. I promise. Barbara
  • djteach
    djteach Member Posts: 273
    Oh Debi,
    There is nothing to

    Oh Debi,
    There is nothing to forgive. I had one not long ago. You have just been through major surgery-life changing? That is enough stress for any family. Thank God new puppies are cute, otherwise, they may not live.LOL Are you having a reaction to the pain medication? If it is not working for you, tell your dr. and get another one. Research shows that taking pain medication speeds up the healing process. Possibly because it makes you rest. That is what my onc. and surgeon told me. It's a shame the breeder can't keep the pup for a couple more weeks. On well, I have total faith that you will pull through this! You are a warrior now and warriors are aloud to have pity parties any time they want.

    Love and Gentle Hugs,
    Donna
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    bfbear said:

    Thank you for listening...
    and all your good advice.

    Although we got a crate before we brought her home, and Willow's been sleeping in it at night, I haven't been able to leave her for more than 5 minutes and listen to her pitiful crying. One of the first days after surgery, when I went in for a check up, we left her in the crate for 3 hours, I was too out of it to remember that they need to get used to it a little at a time, and she seemed so traumatized when we returned that I haven't been able to shut her in it again except at night... You have given me new resolve.

    The crate was out in the family room until last night, and Rich was sleeping on the couch keeping her company and making sure she didn't have to go out in the middle of the night. (God bless him). Last night he moved the crate into our bedroom so he could sleep in our bed again. They did fine, but my discomfort, and inability to sleep on my side or stomach, keeps me pretty restless at night and I was worried about disturbing them!! Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch tonight!!

    Perhaps, instead of posting needs on the front door, I should send out an email to all those people who have said they wanted to help... I'll put that on my list for tomorrow.

    I'm gonna try to get some rest...

    Thanks for all your outpourings of love and support (yet again!!!). I don't know what I'd do without you.

    Love you,
    Debi

    here's a suggestion
    Maybe the puppy can be on your side of the bed, and YOU in the crate ( safe, protected, blankees) until everyone feels better! Just a thought! :-)

    Love you ( honestly!)

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    Debi, you're entitled in my book.
    The only one of our dogs we raised from a pup was our oldest, Eefy, and she was a pain like... oh well, you could believe. Our boys Yongy and Anubis were full-grown when they found us.

    When Moopy was diagnosed, we'd had Anubis for about a year. Eefy and Yongy were pretty quiet but Nubi (or Nuisance as he is also known) has a bad habit of whining for attention. During Moopy's first round of chemo, he more than once almost wound up as a pair of houndskin mittens. The only things that saved Nubi was his sweet smile and endlessly wagging tail... and the fact that he is terrified if you wave a rolled up newspaper in his face. If you hit him with the rolled up newspaper, it doesn't bug him in the least. But if you merely threaten him with it, he will actually shut up. Go figure.

    I've forgotten where you live, but here in Springfield MO, you can board a dog from 8 to 6 for $20 a day. And right now you need all the peace and quiet you get... sounds like a good investment. And may God continue to bless you in your recovery!

    Best,
    Joe
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    bad day
    Debi,
    I am sorry you are having a bad day. I feel for you. Just let some things go if you all can. Maybe dishes and laundry when it needs to be done(and only with help from family)!
    I hope that you have a better day tomarrow!
    Love,
    Patty
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    Dear, dearest Debi...
    So many of our compassionate and wise sisters have already made it to this thread, all offering understanding and great suggestions & encouragements. I can only now echo what's already been offered.

    First - you've been through MAJOR surgery. And just recently. Two weeks is not a long time. And, your sister left today - which is adding to your already overloaded emotional state. Please give yourself a break, dear. I understand that you WANT to do what needs to be done. But, you must find a way to accept that you cannot, shouldn't - this is temporary, not forever.

    You NEED to rest! You MUST! You will heal FASTER! Healing faster means getting back to real life sooner.

    Why are you not taking your pain meds? You say you're IN pain, but "not enough"... Pain in and of itself is exhausting you further. Pain makes the body tense, adding to your discomfort. At the very least, take them in the evening. You might be able to sleep a little better.

    I give your husband credit for finding help. USE the help - at least, TRY this person. In between puppy outings - and since she/he will be paid by the hour - how about doing the dishes, a load of laundry, whatever. It might not be the way you'd do it yourself; but, again, this is temporary. You know, your husband and daughter are stressed because they're worried about you. Not just because you can't do everything, and they have to do more for while.

    You are allowed a pity party, dear Debi. No need to ask for forgiveness. I'll be hoping with all my heart that tomorrow is a better day.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • tatooedinpink
    tatooedinpink Member Posts: 95
    Debi...take care
    Hi Debi,

    So sorry to hear of your overwhelming experiences. I know it must be so hard for you.
    Hopefully, I can put a smile on your face by telling you my little story.
    I called a friend one night (AND HATED HAVING TO CALL SOMEONE FOR HELP) to take my son to his music lesson. My husband was out of town, and I was in so much pain that night that I wanted to take a pain pill but hadn't because I knew I had to drive him to his lesson. Well, when she began to tell me how busy they were, and that they couldn't, I just fell apart and was sobbing on the phone as I told her ok, don't worry about it, it's really ok...Well, that really got to her. She immediately sent hubby over, and he took my son to music (the trip to my house and to music and back may have taken him a mere 20 min).

    Lesson...even though my tears were genuine and I was embarrassed and hopeless, the tears worked, and my friends "woke up" and realized how much I needed them. When I apologized the following day, my friend stopped me. She understood it was her responsibility as a friend to be there for me. ASK for help and tell them EXACTLY what you need. You deserve it. You are not superwoman.

    Love and prayers,

    Debbie
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    Big Hugs for Debi
    Debi you have every right to have a bit of a pity party. You are in the midst of recuperating from a rather large both physical and emotional surgery. I am sorry your sister had to go, I wish I was nearby I would take that pup for a few days for you. I remember well the feeling that there was so much that needed to be done and only me to do it. Well my husband made it clear that it would all be there when I was better, he was right Debi. Please try not to stress too much, do what you can and let the rest go by the way side for now.

    Perhaps your husband could find an area in your home that could be roped off for the pup to reside for a bit. I know that probably is not what you want, but it will only be for a short time and little pups are resilent he will do fine. Last year we had a litter of 9 boxer pups my daughter bred, they were kept in the garage with a heater once they were large enough to do well there.

    Please, please, please be kind to yourself and do not stress too much. We care a great deal for you and want your recovery to ge as smooth as possible.

    love Pictures, Images and Photos

    RE
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    RE said:

    Big Hugs for Debi
    Debi you have every right to have a bit of a pity party. You are in the midst of recuperating from a rather large both physical and emotional surgery. I am sorry your sister had to go, I wish I was nearby I would take that pup for a few days for you. I remember well the feeling that there was so much that needed to be done and only me to do it. Well my husband made it clear that it would all be there when I was better, he was right Debi. Please try not to stress too much, do what you can and let the rest go by the way side for now.

    Perhaps your husband could find an area in your home that could be roped off for the pup to reside for a bit. I know that probably is not what you want, but it will only be for a short time and little pups are resilent he will do fine. Last year we had a litter of 9 boxer pups my daughter bred, they were kept in the garage with a heater once they were large enough to do well there.

    Please, please, please be kind to yourself and do not stress too much. We care a great deal for you and want your recovery to ge as smooth as possible.

    love Pictures, Images and Photos

    RE

    Yes,don't stress!
    Debi, I really understand how you are feeling right now and I think the beauty of this site is that you can vent and cry and nobody will judge you..they will just all be able to relate in some way. Knowing you are not alone can be a great help.

    I don't know how you are managing a puppy through all of this...but it will be over and you will feel fit and healthy again. You certainly find out who your true friends are at a time like this..not always the ones you expect.

    Take care of yourself first and hugs from Maryland! Pat
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    bfbear said:

    Thank you for listening...
    and all your good advice.

    Although we got a crate before we brought her home, and Willow's been sleeping in it at night, I haven't been able to leave her for more than 5 minutes and listen to her pitiful crying. One of the first days after surgery, when I went in for a check up, we left her in the crate for 3 hours, I was too out of it to remember that they need to get used to it a little at a time, and she seemed so traumatized when we returned that I haven't been able to shut her in it again except at night... You have given me new resolve.

    The crate was out in the family room until last night, and Rich was sleeping on the couch keeping her company and making sure she didn't have to go out in the middle of the night. (God bless him). Last night he moved the crate into our bedroom so he could sleep in our bed again. They did fine, but my discomfort, and inability to sleep on my side or stomach, keeps me pretty restless at night and I was worried about disturbing them!! Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch tonight!!

    Perhaps, instead of posting needs on the front door, I should send out an email to all those people who have said they wanted to help... I'll put that on my list for tomorrow.

    I'm gonna try to get some rest...

    Thanks for all your outpourings of love and support (yet again!!!). I don't know what I'd do without you.

    Love you,
    Debi

    Deb....
    My dogs, and even my goats are crate trained (the goats, for transport). It also helps when transporting my dogs....don't need a Golden driving! It is a very good thing for them to become accustomed to. And even though they act like you are murdering them at first, it doesn't last.

    I agree, please take your pain meds. They are there to help you with your pain. And between the pain, the worry and the fact that you are getting very little rest, it is no wonder that you are sad and weepy. You have a lot to deal with right now.

    My heart goes out to you and I really hope that you get some help soon.

    Love ya!
    CR
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Adjusting...
    Oh, Debi, it's not easy recovering from major surgery. There is pain, sadness, and anxiety. Add all that to family responsibilities and of course you will be weepy for awhile! You've never done this before, so don't beat yourself up over days that are "disasters." Those days will come and go and you will get the hang of this. Practice self care as our other sisters have suggested. Is there a book you've wanted to read but haven't had time to? Movies you've wanted to see? Let others take care of the chores -- that is what partners and friends are for. And you take care of you. That's your job right now -- not to do the dishes and take the dog out, but to nurture your body so that it heals. Have your husband make a Blockbuster run and then snuggle with your daughter and pup and take in some mindless movies. Maybe comedies -- laughter is good for healing.

    About the pain meds: if the prescription stuff is too strong how about extra strength Tylenol or something similar? That's what got me through my lumpectomy....

    How are you doing today, dear?

    Mimi
  • Jadie
    Jadie Member Posts: 723
    Marcia527 said:

    This may not help but we had
    This may not help but we had just bought a house 5 months before I was diagnosed and I made my husband fence in part of the yard so I wouldn't have to take the dog out on a leash. If she were loose she'd ran away. I know how much work puppies are anyway even with a fence. Maybe confine the puppy to a smaller area like the kitchen. When our dog was a puppy we had a crate and when I couldn't watch her, we put her in the crate. Puppies sleep alot anyway and this would give you time to rest.

    Marcia and CL have great
    Marcia and CL have great ideas for the dog. (I have three) The crate and the fence work wonders. I use to not like the crate idea untill I tried it. It is wonderful. It's a good way to potty train your dog also. You don't have to fence the whole yard just an area at the back door works great. All you have to do is open the door to let him out and he will learn to bark when he wants in. In other words he will train you. They make great companions and he will be well worth the trouble.

    Get some rest. When we feel bad and tired we get depressed. Take good care of yourself. Let everyone else take care of you and themselves. You will soon be up and at it and feeling better. But you have to get your rest.

    Hugs
    Jadie
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    mimivac said:

    Adjusting...
    Oh, Debi, it's not easy recovering from major surgery. There is pain, sadness, and anxiety. Add all that to family responsibilities and of course you will be weepy for awhile! You've never done this before, so don't beat yourself up over days that are "disasters." Those days will come and go and you will get the hang of this. Practice self care as our other sisters have suggested. Is there a book you've wanted to read but haven't had time to? Movies you've wanted to see? Let others take care of the chores -- that is what partners and friends are for. And you take care of you. That's your job right now -- not to do the dishes and take the dog out, but to nurture your body so that it heals. Have your husband make a Blockbuster run and then snuggle with your daughter and pup and take in some mindless movies. Maybe comedies -- laughter is good for healing.

    About the pain meds: if the prescription stuff is too strong how about extra strength Tylenol or something similar? That's what got me through my lumpectomy....

    How are you doing today, dear?

    Mimi

    I feel your "pain"
    Debi~ I cry (every time) after my sister leaves to go to the airport after caring for me. Last Oct I had a friend sit with me so I wouldn't be so sad when she left. She is coming in 2 weeks as I go in for the final phase of recons. surgery. Having her here while I go thru treatments and surgery has been so valuable to me (4 so far). I would encourage the pain meds to rest at night. It will help to tune out the puppies cries too! I always "gear up" for surgery--making my nest (bed) all cozy, getting stocked up on movies, juices and little snacks that I can enjoy while I rest. And always ask for lots of prayer for the process. We are here to listen, write, and encourage!
    Melanie