Farrah's story question ...

Jan_M

I wondered if the chemo they
I wondered if the chemo they used that didn't make her loose her hair was maybe not strong enough to stop the cancer from spreading. Just a thought.

mimivac

ritazimm said:

Wow, thanks!
Thanks CR, Mimi, RE and Moopy. I have only told my husband, mother and best friend that in my heart, I think that the cancer will return. I don't think of this as having negative thoughts, just my personal feelings. I don't live as though - poor me, my cancer is going to return - I just try to live as though I need to enjoy every aspect of life. The good parts are much more enjoyable and in the bad crap I try to think about how great it makes the good stuff feel. But, part of me wonders if this feeling is being 'morbid' or 'negative' and if I am different from others that are survivors? Does everyone think this? Am I different by thinking that it will come back? I don't know, but it is the way I feel, so thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one that gets these feelings. Mostly, they don't really scare me but I do have my moments where I am afraid of how I will handle it if it does return. I also think that for me, these thoughts are part of my self-protection mechanism. I was thrown so very off guard by the diagnosis (even though I shouldn't have been since I have a huge family history but negative BRCA 1 & 2) and I don't ever want to be that unprepared for anything else in my life. I am a planner and I definitely feel the need to have a plan, just in case, so I cannot live under the assumption that it will never return. Maybe this is negative thinking but it is my method of surviving.

Thanks again for bringing this out in the open even though we don't really like to talk/think about it!

God bless!
Rita

Yep.
Rita, you expressed exactly what I have been thinking about recurrence and being surprised. I was also floored by this diagnosis (was told I was "too young" for breast cancer). So, now, it seems that letting my guard down or believing that I will live cancer-free is somehow setting myself up for disappointment. I am also a planner. Big time. So, I sometimes feel that if I start making big plans again, cancer will return and wreck them as it did before. I don't want to go through that kind of awful disappointment. I don't know if this kind of thinking is healthy or not. I want to live carefree again, but I don't think it's possible. I'll have to think about this one. Thanks for the perspective.

Mimi

mimivac

CR1954 said:

Wow, you all....
You all expressed exactly how I have been feeling! I can forget all about cancer and everything to do with it, and then just out of the blue, I think...I won't be here much longer. Then I get down of course and that's ALL I think about.
I snap out of it and pull myself up again, but after a few days, I'm thinking the morbid thoughts again.

Just to know that it's not uncommon to get those feelings, and that I don't have to rush off to an analyst is a relief. I try, and am able to stay upbeat and positive, but geez, sometimes "I'm not going to make it" pops into my head from out of nowhere.

But this time, it came from looking at my path report the other day. All of the "aggressive", "not well differentiated", "comedo-type", and on and on got me down again.

I know that I can fight just as well as anyone! But it's still a relief to know that you all feel that way too sometimes.

CR

Aggressive
My path report is the same, CR. Aggressive (really, really aggressive) tumor, poorly differentiated, the whole shebang. Don't worry, chemo responds best to the aggressive tumors.

lemont

Jan_M said:

I wondered if the chemo they
I wondered if the chemo they used that didn't make her loose her hair was maybe not strong enough to stop the cancer from spreading. Just a thought.

I saw part of an interview
I saw part of an interview with her doctor on TV today. He said that as long as there was a choice of appropriate chemo treatments, she made choices that minimized hair loss. But once there was a definite advantage to a particular chemo regimen, she went along with it despite the hair loss. Makes sense.

CR1954

mimivac said:

Aggressive
My path report is the same, CR. Aggressive (really, really aggressive) tumor, poorly differentiated, the whole shebang. Don't worry, chemo responds best to the aggressive tumors.

Oh thanks Mimi..
Once again, you have come to my rescue by pointing out that I am not the only one who had an aggressive type tumor. And we can survive it!

My feet are firmly back on the ground now, and I am in that positive "mode" again, for the most part.



CR

outdoorgirl

mimivac said:

Yep.
Rita, you expressed exactly what I have been thinking about recurrence and being surprised. I was also floored by this diagnosis (was told I was "too young" for breast cancer). So, now, it seems that letting my guard down or believing that I will live cancer-free is somehow setting myself up for disappointment. I am also a planner. Big time. So, I sometimes feel that if I start making big plans again, cancer will return and wreck them as it did before. I don't want to go through that kind of awful disappointment. I don't know if this kind of thinking is healthy or not. I want to live carefree again, but I don't think it's possible. I'll have to think about this one. Thanks for the perspective.

Mimi

Please don't put your life on hold
Mimi,
Yes we are going to be monitored for the rest of our lives,but please don't put your life on hold for something that could happen. None of anyone who populates this planet knows what's going to happen to them any day of the week,month,year!It's like my radiation oncologist told me when he was talking about survivor statistics-he could drive to work tomarrow,get in a car accident and die. I know it's something that we all think about and it's good to be aware of it,but don't let the thought of it possibly coming back rob you of today and tomarrow! Try to think of what you've been through as having another lease on life and taking advantage of it!
Only God knows what's going to happen tomarrow,and I know that He would not want us to stop enjoying life because we're afraid of what might happen. And don't let cancer have this hold on you either!!
A fellow sister of bc,
Patty

Christmas Girl

RE said:

scary thoughts
You are right Moopy and CR I myself get those thoughts. I actually wrote a thread on it in the emotions board way back in Dec I think. Sometimes I will be enjoying myself and Colin will talk about the future we have planned to travel and that nasty little voice will creep up and say "if I am still here" or it sometimes say's "better hurry up and do those things while I am still here". I do my best to push those thoughts to the back of my mind so they do not destroy me. I learned this from my Mom who was my inspiration. She battled cancer for 26 years years with many ups and downs. I watched as she struggled with her mortality. What I saw was a woman who after a bad patch always managed to find the positive and the good in life. She herself helped others while she was yet suffering. She laughed heartily and often, she did not let cancer destroy or define who she was. I know it is not easy because those of us who have had cancer hear our clock ticking much louder than those who have never been had to struggle with a life threatening illness. In no way is it my intention to lessesn or dismiss how you ladies feel as I too sometimes feel the same. I only wish to encourage you, to help you if I can to see that life can go on after cancer and that it can be good.

Big hugs,

RE

Our dear RE
Earlier this evening, I watched a program with my husband... on The History Channel, about Egypt. A lot of discussion about the sun god, RE. I kept thinking of you! Except, you are the sun godDESS!!! I so respect your honesty, integrity and wisdom. Your perspectives are always realistic, yet imbued - always - with hope.

Hope is like air, water, food and shelter to us. We simply cannot live without it. Thank you, always, dear RE.

Kind regards, Susan

DrSusanHardwicke

outdoorgirl said:

Please don't put your life on hold
Mimi,
Yes we are going to be monitored for the rest of our lives,but please don't put your life on hold for something that could happen. None of anyone who populates this planet knows what's going to happen to them any day of the week,month,year!It's like my radiation oncologist told me when he was talking about survivor statistics-he could drive to work tomarrow,get in a car accident and die. I know it's something that we all think about and it's good to be aware of it,but don't let the thought of it possibly coming back rob you of today and tomarrow! Try to think of what you've been through as having another lease on life and taking advantage of it!
Only God knows what's going to happen tomarrow,and I know that He would not want us to stop enjoying life because we're afraid of what might happen. And don't let cancer have this hold on you either!!
A fellow sister of bc,
Patty

Thoughts of Cancer Returning
First, I'd like to point out that insurance companies do not plan to monitor us for the rest of our lives. Mine starting denying lab tests about 2 years ago (before the 5-year survivorship date) because I was not reporting any symptoms. I don't know what my onco told them, but lab work was covered through my 5-year mark. At that appointment, my onco told me that I did not need to return and that I needed to have symptoms to justify any lab work. I would be tempted to invent bone pain and the like just to be monitored.

Regarding the point about recurrence or another cancer: the mind is an amazing thing. It wants to protect us from future trauma. So the thoughts about being prepared are natural and normal, and not "jinxing it." The thoughts are likely the mind's way of ensuring that we adopt practices that protect us. When such thoughts produce fear or become obsessive, that is a different matter. It is time for some intervention.

I constructed a chart about this very issue. On the far right is denial and on the far left is obsessive thoughts. The mid-point is acceptance. If our mind is engaged in denial, it produces anxiety. If our mind is engaged in obsessive thoughts about cancer recurrence, it produces fear. The mid-point represents logical and emotional acceptance about what has happened, and some minor to moderate likelihood of a recurrence. Just as we are aware of a potential car accident or falling down stairs, we can be aware of cancer without it spoiling our lives. Many days, this is easier said than done.

I have been through the gristmill of thoughts and find that I am happiest when engaged in something creative, or even cleaning the house.

outdoorgirl

DrSusanHardwicke said:

Thoughts of Cancer Returning
First, I'd like to point out that insurance companies do not plan to monitor us for the rest of our lives. Mine starting denying lab tests about 2 years ago (before the 5-year survivorship date) because I was not reporting any symptoms. I don't know what my onco told them, but lab work was covered through my 5-year mark. At that appointment, my onco told me that I did not need to return and that I needed to have symptoms to justify any lab work. I would be tempted to invent bone pain and the like just to be monitored.

Regarding the point about recurrence or another cancer: the mind is an amazing thing. It wants to protect us from future trauma. So the thoughts about being prepared are natural and normal, and not "jinxing it." The thoughts are likely the mind's way of ensuring that we adopt practices that protect us. When such thoughts produce fear or become obsessive, that is a different matter. It is time for some intervention.

I constructed a chart about this very issue. On the far right is denial and on the far left is obsessive thoughts. The mid-point is acceptance. If our mind is engaged in denial, it produces anxiety. If our mind is engaged in obsessive thoughts about cancer recurrence, it produces fear. The mid-point represents logical and emotional acceptance about what has happened, and some minor to moderate likelihood of a recurrence. Just as we are aware of a potential car accident or falling down stairs, we can be aware of cancer without it spoiling our lives. Many days, this is easier said than done.

I have been through the gristmill of thoughts and find that I am happiest when engaged in something creative, or even cleaning the house.

about monitoring
Susan,
I don't know much about how insurance companies feel except I have heard a couple of times that once you reach the 5 yr mark with "clean" mammograms or tests,they consider you "cancer free"-but don't take it to the bank,I'm not sure-just what I've heard! I do know at least with "my" oncologist that I will have follow-ups over these 5 yrs and then after that he will see me once a year every year.

Christmas Girl

outdoorgirl said:

about monitoring
Susan,
I don't know much about how insurance companies feel except I have heard a couple of times that once you reach the 5 yr mark with "clean" mammograms or tests,they consider you "cancer free"-but don't take it to the bank,I'm not sure-just what I've heard! I do know at least with "my" oncologist that I will have follow-ups over these 5 yrs and then after that he will see me once a year every year.

Insurance...
I'm no expert in insurance. However, I'm in my 6th year since diagnosis. I see my med onc twice yearly starting this year, with various tests on a regular basis. My insurance (not the best out there) continues to cover the costs. I exhibit no "symptoms" of breast cancer; yet, my recurrence rate is high. Also, I still take meds. So, maybe coverage is based on risk of recurrence. Just a thought...

Kind regards, Susan

KathiM

lemont said:

I saw part of an interview
I saw part of an interview with her doctor on TV today. He said that as long as there was a choice of appropriate chemo treatments, she made choices that minimized hair loss. But once there was a definite advantage to a particular chemo regimen, she went along with it despite the hair loss. Makes sense.

Anal cancer chemo is different....
Not all chemo causes complete hair loss. The first 2 that come to mind are Oxcilliplatin and 5-FU. That's what my sister got for HER anal cancer...She never completely lost her hair.

Anal cancer is trickier that colorectal cancer. It's too low to cut out, without giving the patient a permanent colostomy. So, the first pass is radiation (SEVERE...whole pelvis) and chemo. But, because it isn't a cancer with 'clear margins', well, some of the dust bunnies may be left after treatment. It's a nasty, 'take-no-prisoners' sort of cancer. That said, traditional squamous cell carcinoma (most common type of anal cancer) is VERY reactive to radiation. At the cost of COMPLETELY messing up our metabolism, and our 'female organs'. So, basically, you look like heck pretty soon after starting treatment. After all, that area of our body is used everyday...and it's being targeted!!!

I'm sad for Farrah...but, as I said earlier, we all make our own choices, based on medical advice.

Hugs, Kathi

tasha_111

KathiM said:

Anal cancer chemo is different....
Not all chemo causes complete hair loss. The first 2 that come to mind are Oxcilliplatin and 5-FU. That's what my sister got for HER anal cancer...She never completely lost her hair.

Anal cancer is trickier that colorectal cancer. It's too low to cut out, without giving the patient a permanent colostomy. So, the first pass is radiation (SEVERE...whole pelvis) and chemo. But, because it isn't a cancer with 'clear margins', well, some of the dust bunnies may be left after treatment. It's a nasty, 'take-no-prisoners' sort of cancer. That said, traditional squamous cell carcinoma (most common type of anal cancer) is VERY reactive to radiation. At the cost of COMPLETELY messing up our metabolism, and our 'female organs'. So, basically, you look like heck pretty soon after starting treatment. After all, that area of our body is used everyday...and it's being targeted!!!

I'm sad for Farrah...but, as I said earlier, we all make our own choices, based on medical advice.

Hugs, Kathi

Kathi
I watched it last night, thanks to bebebusbys link. So sad, She is still so beautiful even as diminished as she is. I wish her well... Jxxxxxxxxx

ninjamom

I watch it too and didn't
I watch it too and didn't even give a second thought to her not having a port because I didn't have one. It was not offered to me (I don't remember anyway) and it wasn't until I was in the hospital for other reasons that the nurses could not start and IV as my veins are so bad that one nurse suggested I get a PICK (which I did), I was able to keep it until I left the hospital in January. Some did tell me that some doctor's don't like the use of a port because they get easily infected.

I tell you, watching the show was very emotional.

outdoorgirl

ninjamom said:

I watch it too and didn't
I watch it too and didn't even give a second thought to her not having a port because I didn't have one. It was not offered to me (I don't remember anyway) and it wasn't until I was in the hospital for other reasons that the nurses could not start and IV as my veins are so bad that one nurse suggested I get a PICK (which I did), I was able to keep it until I left the hospital in January. Some did tell me that some doctor's don't like the use of a port because they get easily infected.

I tell you, watching the show was very emotional.

Didn't have a port either
and my veins in my right arm(had cancer in my left breast) are shot now,but what can you do? I asked my onc if I should get a port before he started chemo and he said I could if I wanted-but I thought with just 4 treatments that I would be alright. Live and learn... I guess I figure as long as they can still draw blood and put iv's in somewhere in my arm or hand I'll be okay(and they are still managing to be able to do that!).

outdoorgirl

ninjamom said:

I watch it too and didn't
I watch it too and didn't even give a second thought to her not having a port because I didn't have one. It was not offered to me (I don't remember anyway) and it wasn't until I was in the hospital for other reasons that the nurses could not start and IV as my veins are so bad that one nurse suggested I get a PICK (which I did), I was able to keep it until I left the hospital in January. Some did tell me that some doctor's don't like the use of a port because they get easily infected.

I tell you, watching the show was very emotional.

Watched Farrah's story too
I watched it too last night and her strength was encouraging! I'm telling you,it's not over untill the fat lady sings!