How do I help my husband cope with his anger?

akbetty
akbetty Member Posts: 38
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Has anyone else experienced this? My husband has reached a point where he has begun to lash out at people. It has only been directed at me once so far, but I can handle it. Other people just don't understand how much he's going through. Now he has alienated his brother, an old friend, and a business colleague who is now out for blood. Is there any way I can stop my husband from burning bridges? I understand that he has said some hurtful things, but is there any way I can convince others to forgive and forget? By the way, we've just made it past the two year mark, but we know his chances of making it another year are slim. If anyone has any thoughts, I would sure love to hear them. Thank you!
Betty

Comments

  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #2
    'burning bridges'....
    That phrase brings this thought to my mind: Perhaps your husband (possibly unconsciously) is trying to distance himself from people in his life so that the separation, when it comes, will not be so wrenching. He may feel that if he generates enough negative 'vibes' everyone will not be too crushed to see him go.
    However, there could be (and probably are) several other factors involved in his anger. Medications, for example, can wreck huge destruction with our coping mechanisms sometimes. And sometimes anger IS a coping mechanism which may help deflect our focus from what we see as the inevitable.
    At any rate, what you describe is not at all unusual and any good trained professional should be able to help you and your husband, if he is willing to seek help, manage the future more comfortably. If he is not willing, I strongly suggest that you get help on your own.
    And by the way, you can not force anyone else to 'forgive and forget'. All you can do is encourage them to extend grace to your husband, which we all need at one time (some of us many times) or other.
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334 Member
    #3
    zahalene said:

    'burning bridges'....
    That phrase brings this thought to my mind: Perhaps your husband (possibly unconsciously) is trying to distance himself from people in his life so that the separation, when it comes, will not be so wrenching. He may feel that if he generates enough negative 'vibes' everyone will not be too crushed to see him go.
    However, there could be (and probably are) several other factors involved in his anger. Medications, for example, can wreck huge destruction with our coping mechanisms sometimes. And sometimes anger IS a coping mechanism which may help deflect our focus from what we see as the inevitable.
    At any rate, what you describe is not at all unusual and any good trained professional should be able to help you and your husband, if he is willing to seek help, manage the future more comfortably. If he is not willing, I strongly suggest that you get help on your own.
    And by the way, you can not force anyone else to 'forgive and forget'. All you can do is encourage them to extend grace to your husband, which we all need at one time (some of us many times) or other.

    cancer effects
    akBetty. One step at a time here. Look back to when this new behavior started and try to remember if any new drugs were put into use. Three days into Neurontin and I had no control over anything I did. I had the whole world mad at me and could of killed someone with no remorse. My wife called my doctor and we never used the drug again. A normal person can take Nyquil and sleep. I take it and stay awake for three days. All of our brains are not wired the same so its something to look at. I also agree with zahalene as many of us that once thought we were going to pass on went through this phase. I thought about getting my own place so I would not drag my family down with me or be a bother to anyone. Pain is a huge issue as the frustration and anxiety builds and someone who is close becomes the outlet. So you might want to call the Oncologist, a counselor or pain management doctor to sort this out. It took a month and lots of explaining for people to realize what happened to me. I was very blessed to have friends that understood why I went crazy. Keep looking for answers. Slickwilly
  • akbetty
    akbetty Member Posts: 38
    #4
    slickwilly said:

    cancer effects
    akBetty. One step at a time here. Look back to when this new behavior started and try to remember if any new drugs were put into use. Three days into Neurontin and I had no control over anything I did. I had the whole world mad at me and could of killed someone with no remorse. My wife called my doctor and we never used the drug again. A normal person can take Nyquil and sleep. I take it and stay awake for three days. All of our brains are not wired the same so its something to look at. I also agree with zahalene as many of us that once thought we were going to pass on went through this phase. I thought about getting my own place so I would not drag my family down with me or be a bother to anyone. Pain is a huge issue as the frustration and anxiety builds and someone who is close becomes the outlet. So you might want to call the Oncologist, a counselor or pain management doctor to sort this out. It took a month and lots of explaining for people to realize what happened to me. I was very blessed to have friends that understood why I went crazy. Keep looking for answers. Slickwilly

    Zahalene and slickwilly
    Thank you for responding. Zahalene, I especially want to thank you for reminding me that I can't force anyone to forgive and forget. I've never been a control freak in the past, but since I've been helping my husband with his cancer battle, I've taken on this attitude that I've got to manage everything and everyone. I liked what you said about hoping others can "extend grace." I hope with all my heart that can happen, but ultimately I can't control it.
    Slickwilly, you have helped me before. Thanks once again for your words of wisdom. I did what you said and thought about any changes going on, and I finally decided the problem could be coming from anxiety about his scans next week. These will be his first tests in several months and I know he's worried the results won't be good. I don't judge him for being anxious or angry. I just feel so protective of him, and I don't want anyone to think badly about him. Once again, I can't control everything! Thanks again to both of you,
    Betty
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334 Member
    #5
    akbetty said:

    Zahalene and slickwilly
    Thank you for responding. Zahalene, I especially want to thank you for reminding me that I can't force anyone to forgive and forget. I've never been a control freak in the past, but since I've been helping my husband with his cancer battle, I've taken on this attitude that I've got to manage everything and everyone. I liked what you said about hoping others can "extend grace." I hope with all my heart that can happen, but ultimately I can't control it.
    Slickwilly, you have helped me before. Thanks once again for your words of wisdom. I did what you said and thought about any changes going on, and I finally decided the problem could be coming from anxiety about his scans next week. These will be his first tests in several months and I know he's worried the results won't be good. I don't judge him for being anxious or angry. I just feel so protective of him, and I don't want anyone to think badly about him. Once again, I can't control everything! Thanks again to both of you,
    Betty

    akbetty
    I think you figured out your own problem. All of us go through anxiety before scans. Be it during cancer or after. I was not a great person to be around for a couple weeks before any scans as they always seemed to be bad news. My doctors finally realized that making me wait for an appointment was not such a good idea and would call me the minute results came in. Its so hard being a caregiver and playing guessing games at times. I know its frustrating. People that have not been through this really don't understand the emotional toll. I hope your getting some needed breaks. All you can do is talk to people and hope they understand what your husband is dealing with. But we cannot control everything as you say. And the primary mission here is your husband's care. Bless you Slickwilly
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #6
    The path of least resistance
    Betty,

    In the early days, I wasn't the easiest person to live with either. I was angry at what cancer had done to my life and how helpless I was against it so I took it out on the people who were closest to me. That feeling of helplessness and loss of control of my own life circumstance helped to destroy my marriage and other close relationships. I eventually sought counseling, but it was too late to salvage that which my behavior had shattered. Unfortunately, the old cliche about hurting the ones you love is true, at least it was in my case, and, it sounds like, your husband's.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

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