It's about 4:30 in the A.M.

jenben59

It's early morning and I can't sleep. My doctor's office called yesterday about 10:30 in the morning and said I was squeezed in for the "pump" problem. I got to the hospital about 3:00 in the afternoon and got to speak with him before the surgery. This is the first time he was not social and outgoing. He came in and checked the way the port felt and asked serious questions. I was in surgery longer than last time...instead of having it sewn down, he replaced the whole thing, line and all. I'm praying nothing with my line happens again. I'm reading all the posts and problems with the port and I'm not alone. I guess this really shows how new I am to the chemo process. The emotional problem for me is when things don't go correctly. I've always been a person with a plan, and if that fails I always had a "back up plan". Having cancer and chemo is so difficult for me because the plan goes haywire and I have no "back up plan". I don't know how to plan for chemo, other than what drugs I'm on and my schedule...a back up plan???? what do I plan for? I wondering if my doctor had someone close for him? It's not a teaching hospital, though. He did my colon surgery and it went so well I was up and around and could literally do an actual sit-up in his office 2 weeks after my surgery with no problems at all. I healed so quickly, I stopped taking pain medicine before I used very much of them. The incision looks "good" and no problems. Maybe my ONC will let me start back on chemo this Wednesday. I am grateful to all of you who post. It is a reief for me and I don't feel alone. Thanks you.

hopefulone

Hang in there
Sometimes its so frustrating when things don't go according to "plan" . I've always been a planner too and in control. It's hard when things don't go according to plan , but I'm learning not to let it get me down like I used to and to take each day as it comes and celebrate the little blessings. Just as things can go wrong , remember they can go right too, Sounds like you healed well after your surgery and will be back on track soon. Keep the faith. God Bless, Diane

dixchi

hopefulone said:

Hang in there
Sometimes its so frustrating when things don't go according to "plan" . I've always been a planner too and in control. It's hard when things don't go according to plan , but I'm learning not to let it get me down like I used to and to take each day as it comes and celebrate the little blessings. Just as things can go wrong , remember they can go right too, Sounds like you healed well after your surgery and will be back on track soon. Keep the faith. God Bless, Diane

Plans
know there are others of us experiencing your pain as well......i toss and turn
at night too and should get up and go online instead....at least it is something
positive to do. I am a planner and want to be in control and find myself now
hesitant about planning anything for fear I will have to go back on chemo or
something else will happen and I will have to cancel.Some long range plans seem
iffy now.....don't know how long range I even have. This brings us down to
realizing that today is all we have. I envy those people who have always lived
in the day and the moment; it is so hard for me to do. Guess this is part of
getting to the "new normal" and it is not easy. One good thing: your port is
now fixed and I am sure your chemo will move ahead and you will soon be over
that phase. Hugs.
Barbara

jsabol

I hear you
I imagine we have all had those sleepness nights, full of the "what if and why this" goblins. I could have written your post 5 years ago, when I was 1 month into my 6 months of chemo. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't haunted these boards; the friends here were a lifeline. I am a nurse, recently lost my dad to metastatic colon cancer and had a mom with significant dementia issues. Talk about loss of control!
I found that progressive relaxation exercises (you can get a tape of many easy techniques) were really helpful for those momments of free-falling anxiety; a little Ativan also went a long way. Staying focused on the things I could do and control, and letting go of the rest helped, but was easier said than done.
One suggestion: when friends and family say "How can I help", give them a specific task, like "we would love a home cooked casserole, I need help picking up the kids, let's go out for tea..." I found most friends and family felt as helpless as I did, particularly since I was usually the one to organize and coordinate the responses! and it was such a gift to have those helping hands around.
Five years later, I have remained NED since surgery; I have just had a follow-up colonoscopy and it was all clear. There were many times when I felt I just felt so many things were beyond my control, but taking one day and one challenge at a time worked for me. I can now look back with great relief and gratitude; hope you will, too!
All the best, Judy

tootsie1

Whew!
I hope you get to start the chemo on Wednesday, and I'm really glad that it sounds like the port issue is settled. Whew! Good luck, dear.

*hugs*
Gail