Depression in husbands

fauxma

chenheart said:

Good News
The only reason I posted my GOOD NEWS on this subject string was to give us all hopefully a reason to smile and rejoice, and yes, look forward to good days "after the fact". Believe it or not, there will even come a day when you won't want Pink Gifts, be they ribbons, candles, t-shirts, key-chains, etc etc etc. We will forever know where we were, and how far we have come, but the wearing of the pink will not be our identification. And trust me~ you will rejoice at that, too!!!!

Depression is a mean beast, to be sure. And I am no Pollyanna. But with time, distance, good labs, support, meds, we can eventually find ourselves in a calmer, better place.

Hugs,
Claudia

Good News For sure
So happy for you. What great news.
Stef

phoenixrising

chenheart said:

Good News
The only reason I posted my GOOD NEWS on this subject string was to give us all hopefully a reason to smile and rejoice, and yes, look forward to good days "after the fact". Believe it or not, there will even come a day when you won't want Pink Gifts, be they ribbons, candles, t-shirts, key-chains, etc etc etc. We will forever know where we were, and how far we have come, but the wearing of the pink will not be our identification. And trust me~ you will rejoice at that, too!!!!

Depression is a mean beast, to be sure. And I am no Pollyanna. But with time, distance, good labs, support, meds, we can eventually find ourselves in a calmer, better place.

Hugs,
Claudia

Congratulations Claudia, all
Congratulations Claudia, all this time you were growing wings, and now you can fly. I'm so happy for you and may you have many many more years of cancer free living.
love
jan

tasha_111

Aortus said:

You're a sweetie, Julia
Remember that guy sitting one row down from you in the Remedial Basketweaving class last week - the one wearing a Napoleon hat and a lime green straitjacket?

That was me!

Sweetie...?
No.....You were the guy in the Napoleon Hat/ Lime green straightjacket? WOW!, thank goodness you only mentioned your sartorial eloquence at LAST weeks class!...Don't mention what happened the week before....Shhhhh
They might think the worst.

Huge Hugs to you both J xxxxxxxxxxxxx

tasha_111

Marcia527 said:

I think I'm in the same
I think I'm in the same class but I'm in denial.

Marcia
Don't tell me.. Your real name is Aggy Memnon and you are the quiet one at the back who always says "Absent" when the name is called???
Nice to meet you at last!...
By the way, that jigsaw puzzle..?..You put THAT bit....>>>>>There. OK

Whew... now I now everyone in the Wicker-work class at the "Home for the Terminally Bemused"... Lol

Big Hugs to you J xxxxxxx

mmontero38

chenheart said:

Good News
The only reason I posted my GOOD NEWS on this subject string was to give us all hopefully a reason to smile and rejoice, and yes, look forward to good days "after the fact". Believe it or not, there will even come a day when you won't want Pink Gifts, be they ribbons, candles, t-shirts, key-chains, etc etc etc. We will forever know where we were, and how far we have come, but the wearing of the pink will not be our identification. And trust me~ you will rejoice at that, too!!!!

Depression is a mean beast, to be sure. And I am no Pollyanna. But with time, distance, good labs, support, meds, we can eventually find ourselves in a calmer, better place.

Hugs,
Claudia

All good news is an event to
All good news is an event to celebrate. I am so happy you are done. I can't wait until we are all at that stage of calmer and better place. Hugs, Lili

tasha_111

phoenixrising said:

Congratulations Claudia, all
Congratulations Claudia, all this time you were growing wings, and now you can fly. I'm so happy for you and may you have many many more years of cancer free living.
love
jan

Jan
I just adore your pic! Keep posting, it makes my day LOL Hugs J xxxxxxxxxx

Jan_M

chenheart said:

Depression
Ok~with apologies to my sisters in here who have heard this from me probably too many times! And, so as not to offend anyone: This is a GENERALIZATION....


Ahem! Your attention please! Generally speaking, women are Nurturers, and men are Fixers! If you look/read the postings, so many of the sisters have a hard time asking for help~ they say they are the ones who always GIVE the help, and they cannot imagine not being in control of every day life, and kids, school, work, etc etc etc.

Men, being generally more concrete, want to fix everything! And, cancer is one they don't know how to fix! There are you amazing men who ask how to care for your wives/girlfriends during this time. I dare say NO woman comes in here to ask how to care for her cancer-stricken man! Again, nurture/fix.

So, our men generally ( aren't you sick of that word? LOL) react in 2 ways: They abdicate and walk out on the women they love but can't fix, OR they ask how to care for their women, yet suffer alone through the fear, and thus get depressed. When our men are ill, we sisters "do lunch" with our girlfriends, watch a chick-flick, get our hair and or nails done~ ya know, we do GIRL stuff! But you amazing men are not given that luxury~and your feelings are pushed to some place you don't know how to handle. Not fair, is it?????

So, hats off to all of you men in here who have the courage to admit you are depressed or afraid! WE take our hats off to you and say Bald Heads Unite!

I do not suggest extra-marital affairs, or strip clubs or porn...but I DO suggest golfing, sports massages, Clint Eastwood movies, and yup...even short term therapy. A venting place, as it were, with the proverbial neutral 3rd party.

After that~ just like us, know that there is Life After Cancer, and prepare for a future with us! We love you and will never, ever, forget or underestimate the sacrifice YOU make in caring for us.

Hope this helps....

Hugs,
Claudia

Depression
My husband is a fixer. His way of being there is to fix something. When I was dx he decided to fix up the master bathroom. He has been remodeling it in stages ever since. He has also decided to redo the floor in the masterbedroom after he is done with the bathroom. I think I will be done with chemo and radiation by the time he is done fixin' stuff.

mimivac

Yes, it is hard on everyone
Especially the husband. Husbands see things that no one else does. All of my friends and even the rest of my family think I am dealing with cancer so well -- but my husband is the one who sees what's really going on. He is there for the the breakdowns, the days of crying, the pain and the horrible fatigue. He is the one who has to face some very unpleasant facts, who has to change his life, whose world is upended. Of course you are depressed. Unless you are in denial, facing the cancer of a loved one is a profound and life-changing event. Nothing is the same and you wonder whether it ever will be. Fearing the worst is normal, Jim. When the worst is so bad, it is hard not to focus on that possibility -- even if it is small. BUT, I am here to say that it will get better with time, effort, and understanding. Claudia is right, as is everyone who gave advice. Your body may not be going through cancer, but cancer is unfortunately a huge part of your life right now -- an unwelcome part for sure. Your wife probably does not expect you to be emotionally immune to what she is going through. And as Young_one points out, she probably doesn't want you to be. You love your wife and are worried sick for her. It will get better for both of you because there certainly is life after cancer. Take it a day at a time, as the cliche goes. At my emotionally worst, I would say to my husband, "I'm still here today." He would say back, "and you'll probably be here tomorrow." It worked to make us slow down and feel better. Hope all is well with you and Dorth.

Mimi

mimivac

chenheart said:

Thanks!
My pleasure....

And, for the record, may I please take this moment to announce that TODAY my Dr has taken me off my Arimidex?? I have taken it just shy of 5 years, have been cancer-free for 6~ and was stage 2B with lymphnode involvement! I am Life After Cancer! And I intend to be in great company~ even if I only will ever get to "see" most of you on the Internet!

Hugs with a Smile tonight!
Claudia

so happy for you
Claudia,

This is good news, indeed. What a wonderful survivor you are. And don't you even think about going anywhere. We need your company, always. You inspire me for sure.

Mimi

mimivac

young_one said:

Husbands
I will share a different perspective for you.

I was dx'd 3b in September of 2007. It depressed me just a tad. My husband went about his business, stayed upbeat and positive, never waivered in his daily routine, went to work every single day and acted like it was a just a "bump in the road". I am used to his way of dealing with things so at first I didn't say a word about it. But when I had my mastectomy and the path report came back with 5 cm of cancer and 5 positive nodes AFTER the 8 rounds of neo-adjuvent chemotherapy, I cried on the way home. This was very bad news but when he saw the tears sliding down my cheeks, he stopped the vehicle and asked me what was wrong. I must have looked at him like he'd sprouted another nose on his face. I had put up with the smiling, "You're going to be just fine" attitude long enough. Now, don't get me wrong- I didn't need him to turn into a blubbering mess along with everyone else but he had not once acknowledged that this was some serious ****. I was drowning in it and he was happily waving to me from the deck of the fricken "Good Ship Lollipop" while floating down the River of Denial. So I asked him if he'd been at the same doctors appointment that I had been at. Because the one I went to included an onc telling me that I very likely would die from this disease even though I didn't have mets...yet. It was just a matter of time before I would though. My husband said, "Oh, don't worry about him," and poopoo'd my fears. I exploded on him. I was sick and tired of being the only one who worried about cancer, worried about what would happen to my 3 year old son if I died, and most of all I just needed him to be realistic about this mess we were in. I would have given anything to know that he was scared. At least a little. So, if Dorth's dx scares you, tell her that. There is a middle ground somewhere. I would find it. But take care of yourself too; by all means, listen to Aortus and see if you can get some meds, there's absolutely no shame in it. Don't expect her to hold you up because she's got enough but you don't need to put a happy face on the big suckfest that is cancer. My husband tried it, is still trying it and frankly I never talk to him about cancer anymore because I can't deal with his constant attempts at polishing a turd. It will never be shiny and only makes it messier.

Hope I didn't offend anyone. This is just my opinion based on my experience. And you know what they say about opinions...

I totally get this
Young_one, I know where you're coming from. My mother acted like this for a long time and still does somewhat. She would constantly talk about how she and my dad were celebrating that I am cancer-free. Meanwhile I was going through chemo and worrying constantly about recurrence. She would say, "what's wrong?" or "what do you have to be depressed about?" Sometimes, you need your loved ones to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. Now, I don't want doom and gloom around me all the time, but acting as if everything's just peachy can also be hurtful.

Mimi

mmontero38

mimivac said:

Yes, it is hard on everyone
Especially the husband. Husbands see things that no one else does. All of my friends and even the rest of my family think I am dealing with cancer so well -- but my husband is the one who sees what's really going on. He is there for the the breakdowns, the days of crying, the pain and the horrible fatigue. He is the one who has to face some very unpleasant facts, who has to change his life, whose world is upended. Of course you are depressed. Unless you are in denial, facing the cancer of a loved one is a profound and life-changing event. Nothing is the same and you wonder whether it ever will be. Fearing the worst is normal, Jim. When the worst is so bad, it is hard not to focus on that possibility -- even if it is small. BUT, I am here to say that it will get better with time, effort, and understanding. Claudia is right, as is everyone who gave advice. Your body may not be going through cancer, but cancer is unfortunately a huge part of your life right now -- an unwelcome part for sure. Your wife probably does not expect you to be emotionally immune to what she is going through. And as Young_one points out, she probably doesn't want you to be. You love your wife and are worried sick for her. It will get better for both of you because there certainly is life after cancer. Take it a day at a time, as the cliche goes. At my emotionally worst, I would say to my husband, "I'm still here today." He would say back, "and you'll probably be here tomorrow." It worked to make us slow down and feel better. Hope all is well with you and Dorth.

Mimi

Mimi you had us all worried
Mimi you had us all worried since you haven't posted or answered in many days. I hope all is well with you and am glad you are posting again. Hugs, Lili

mimivac

mmontero38 said:

Mimi you had us all worried
Mimi you had us all worried since you haven't posted or answered in many days. I hope all is well with you and am glad you are posting again. Hugs, Lili

so sorry!
Really, I didn't mean to make you all worry. Truthfully, I was down in the dumps and wanting a big does of denial. Maybe if I didn't talk or think about cancer, it would go away? Didn't work, needless to say. Plus, I missed talking with all you ladies and gentlemen. It's good to be back.

Mimi

chenheart

mimivac said:

so sorry!
Really, I didn't mean to make you all worry. Truthfully, I was down in the dumps and wanting a big does of denial. Maybe if I didn't talk or think about cancer, it would go away? Didn't work, needless to say. Plus, I missed talking with all you ladies and gentlemen. It's good to be back.

Mimi

missed you
Yes,Sweet Mimi, the cululative chemo-fatigue, and reduced energy and all of the icing on our cancer cakes can surely make us hibernate. I used to be in Ostrich Therapy--you know, head in the sand and pretending nothing was wrong. The bad part was, not only did ppl keep tripping over my fat backside, I couldn't keep my opinionated mouth closed and it kept filling up with sand!

I hope in the midst of your doldrums you at least were in here reading the posts....your insight, empathy, and beautiful face have been missed by all of us who know you!!! so there...

Love you~ you will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what that light is? It is YOU shining through!

XOXOXO

Claudia

lynn1950

mimivac said:

so sorry!
Really, I didn't mean to make you all worry. Truthfully, I was down in the dumps and wanting a big does of denial. Maybe if I didn't talk or think about cancer, it would go away? Didn't work, needless to say. Plus, I missed talking with all you ladies and gentlemen. It's good to be back.

Mimi

Just wanna add my "good to see you" to the list.
Hi Mimi - I missed you too and am so glad to hear from you. This depression stuff really sucks big time. So I am wishing you a beautiful blue sky day tomorrow and a peaceful rest tonight. (((hugs))) Lynn

mimivac

lynn1950 said:

Just wanna add my "good to see you" to the list.
Hi Mimi - I missed you too and am so glad to hear from you. This depression stuff really sucks big time. So I am wishing you a beautiful blue sky day tomorrow and a peaceful rest tonight. (((hugs))) Lynn

Claudia and Lynn,
Thank you so much for your caring thoughts and concern. I am feeling so much better now and looking forward to dinner out tomorrow for Valentine's day. I tend to hibernate when I am depressed, although I should probably seek companionship and support instead. My lesson.

Mimi

rjjj

young_one said:

Husbands
I will share a different perspective for you.

I was dx'd 3b in September of 2007. It depressed me just a tad. My husband went about his business, stayed upbeat and positive, never waivered in his daily routine, went to work every single day and acted like it was a just a "bump in the road". I am used to his way of dealing with things so at first I didn't say a word about it. But when I had my mastectomy and the path report came back with 5 cm of cancer and 5 positive nodes AFTER the 8 rounds of neo-adjuvent chemotherapy, I cried on the way home. This was very bad news but when he saw the tears sliding down my cheeks, he stopped the vehicle and asked me what was wrong. I must have looked at him like he'd sprouted another nose on his face. I had put up with the smiling, "You're going to be just fine" attitude long enough. Now, don't get me wrong- I didn't need him to turn into a blubbering mess along with everyone else but he had not once acknowledged that this was some serious ****. I was drowning in it and he was happily waving to me from the deck of the fricken "Good Ship Lollipop" while floating down the River of Denial. So I asked him if he'd been at the same doctors appointment that I had been at. Because the one I went to included an onc telling me that I very likely would die from this disease even though I didn't have mets...yet. It was just a matter of time before I would though. My husband said, "Oh, don't worry about him," and poopoo'd my fears. I exploded on him. I was sick and tired of being the only one who worried about cancer, worried about what would happen to my 3 year old son if I died, and most of all I just needed him to be realistic about this mess we were in. I would have given anything to know that he was scared. At least a little. So, if Dorth's dx scares you, tell her that. There is a middle ground somewhere. I would find it. But take care of yourself too; by all means, listen to Aortus and see if you can get some meds, there's absolutely no shame in it. Don't expect her to hold you up because she's got enough but you don't need to put a happy face on the big suckfest that is cancer. My husband tried it, is still trying it and frankly I never talk to him about cancer anymore because I can't deal with his constant attempts at polishing a turd. It will never be shiny and only makes it messier.

Hope I didn't offend anyone. This is just my opinion based on my experience. And you know what they say about opinions...

young_one
I am bumping this up so new ones can meet you, this was my very favorite post by you, I thank you for your honesty always. It is so refreshing. You have helped many in your situation. I have missed you dearly on the boards and want you to know we are all praying for you dear. I want to surround you with the love of all our angels here. You will be in all my thoughts and prayers. Continue to be strong. You have a beautiful spirit, and are a blessing to so many.
God Bless, Jackie

rjjj

Sharkiejim
SHOUTOUT!!!! HOW ARE YOU BOTH DOING? YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY PRAYERS!
jackie

DianeBC

rjjj said:

Sharkiejim
SHOUTOUT!!!! HOW ARE YOU BOTH DOING? YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY PRAYERS!
jackie

There is a really good book
There is a really good book out for husbands of bc patients.

It is Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver.

My hubby loved it and so did I!

Lots of good help in it.

Diane