Just ranting so you might not want to read this.

survivor51

mimivac said:

No forgiveness needed
This is what this forum is for, after all. So many of us feel just as you do. I don't have anything wise to say, really, just wanted to join the chorus here. But one thing: don't be mad at yourself for feeling down. You've been through a lot and you have the right to feel as you do. Friends and family don't always understand the way we feel. They want it to be over and for you to be fine. Kathi is right. There is a time to say "enough" to the guilt and to covering up how we really feel. When I was first diagnosed, after my surgery, my mother couldn't understand why I would be depressed. She thought I should feel blessed that I had dodged the cancer bullet. She would get fed up with me and say things like, "what more do you want? They took out the cancer and now they are treating you." That made me feel guilty that I was anything but joyous on the way to chemo. I think sometimes you need to tune people out and do what is right and best for you. Feel what you feel, relax, take time for yourself, to appreciate the true and strong person who are inside, even when you feel weakest. Hugs.

A side note about medication, I take low dose of lexapro (5 mg.) and it takes some of the edge off without making me disoriented.

Mimi

Thanks so very much
Mimi,
Thank you for sharing and responding. It does help so much to feel the warmth of all the words and prayers from the sisterhood. Time is on our side. Angela

survivor51

mmontero38 said:

Hey Angie: I responded to
Hey Angie: I responded to your post yesterday but don't know what happened it to. LOL. I was wondering where you have been and I feel awful that you are going through such a hard time. I think we all feel down at one point and I know exactly what you're feeling as I'm feeling it also. I guess I just want to go back to the before me whom I liked a whole lot better. Angela, I pray we all get out of this funk, and know that we are here for you. I've missed seeing you on the site and hope you come back to chat. Hugs, Lili

And....... there is nothing to forgive. Love ya, Lili

Feeling your warmth
Lili,
You have been there so much for me and I do feel you warmth. Love, Angela

chenheart

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Angela~

Just sending you a big hug~ I too have missed seeing your name here on the boards! I have been out of town and did not have my computer with me...and just read your post. There is truly nothing I can add; the sisters here are so incredible, aren't they? Full of wisdom, and empathy. We can hardly ask for anything more, can we? Well, ok, we can ask for our old lives back, or complete amnesia about anything related to cancer, or,an easy going stress free life for the next 50 years ( at least!) . But barring any of those things happening, we have the boards!!!

So, sweetie, welcome back! We are glad you found your way back "home". Don't be a stranger!

Hugs,
Claudia

survivor51

chenheart said:

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Angela~

Just sending you a big hug~ I too have missed seeing your name here on the boards! I have been out of town and did not have my computer with me...and just read your post. There is truly nothing I can add; the sisters here are so incredible, aren't they? Full of wisdom, and empathy. We can hardly ask for anything more, can we? Well, ok, we can ask for our old lives back, or complete amnesia about anything related to cancer, or,an easy going stress free life for the next 50 years ( at least!) . But barring any of those things happening, we have the boards!!!

So, sweetie, welcome back! We are glad you found your way back "home". Don't be a stranger!

Hugs,
Claudia

Hey
You are soooo sweet and today is a goooood day. Many hugs, Angela

JMAC1123

mimivac said:

No forgiveness needed
This is what this forum is for, after all. So many of us feel just as you do. I don't have anything wise to say, really, just wanted to join the chorus here. But one thing: don't be mad at yourself for feeling down. You've been through a lot and you have the right to feel as you do. Friends and family don't always understand the way we feel. They want it to be over and for you to be fine. Kathi is right. There is a time to say "enough" to the guilt and to covering up how we really feel. When I was first diagnosed, after my surgery, my mother couldn't understand why I would be depressed. She thought I should feel blessed that I had dodged the cancer bullet. She would get fed up with me and say things like, "what more do you want? They took out the cancer and now they are treating you." That made me feel guilty that I was anything but joyous on the way to chemo. I think sometimes you need to tune people out and do what is right and best for you. Feel what you feel, relax, take time for yourself, to appreciate the true and strong person who are inside, even when you feel weakest. Hugs.

A side note about medication, I take low dose of lexapro (5 mg.) and it takes some of the edge off without making me disoriented.

Mimi

Lexapro-
Hi Mimi-

Looks like we went thru this journey @ about the same time. I was Her-2 neu positive so I had to have a year of Herceptin as well. It has been a year this month that I finished radiation. I still have aches and pains that I feel are related to my treatment. I'm old enough to be your mother, but I know that my body would not feel like it does now if I hadn't had cancer. I tried a few anti-depressants and couldn't tolderate most of them. I tried 5mg of Lexapro but only for about a month. Maybe I should try again and continue for a longer time period. How are you now? Are you still taking the Lexapro?

Thanks-
JMAC1123

Lighthouse_7

Angela I can relate too
So much of what you said mirrors how I feel. It is good to vent to us and it actually helps me to know that I am not alone.
I am so sick of feeling tired, sad, ugly etc. etc. I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again and it makes me so angry at this horrible disease! We've been kicked hard and as my daughter tries to remind me, we are forever changed by cancer. She is a thyroid cancer survivor. We are lucky when we have a great support system, as I also have, but believe it or not, it makes me feel guilty that they are so good to me and I can sometimes be so hard. I don't want to be and I hate the damn balancing act in my brain.
Hugs your way and vent any time.
Wanda

aisling8

survivor51 said:

I feel such a connection with the sisterhood
I do so appreciate all the comments posted to my ranting. I guess I have been trying so hard to be super woman to all my family and friends that I honestly have not taken care of the "me". My sister-in-law had a bilateral about two weeks ago and thankfully does not have to do chemo or radiation. My good friend I took today to my surgeon and she needs a biospy done. She is waiting until it is OK to take time from work. What is she thinking. I wonder some times if I have been so caught up in the drama of cancer, friends needing help, family needing help that I I don't know how to get out of the 911 state. On the 30th I go for the test to see if these places showing up on the MRI is cancer. I find myself feeling like thankfully all of this might be over soon. I can't even believe I feel that way because I do have that fairy tale life. I see your pictures and thankful I don't have young children and have to go through this. For those of you just starting out, I honestly had a pretty easy time. I did take the double chemo, lost my hair, have all my badges of honor...life is good afterwards but there are times that I guess you just have to sit on a pity pot for a time. You all have given me more strength and I appreciate you posting and kind words. I do plan to begin a journal and that is something I highly suggest if you are just starting with this roller coaster ride. I had cancer in both sides and reconstruction and I have to say that my new girls do look fantastic. They feel like my ole breast. It is just the pain in the mind that is hard to deal sometimes. It will get better and my prayers are with each of you. I'll try to pull my big girl panties up and get of my pity pot. It is not doing me any good. I will go back to my counseling....I haven't been in about 4 months. Take care and God Bless. Angela

i have no words
just a big fat old-fashioned cyber hug for you:)

I hear you.

Victoria

Balentine

Lighthouse_7 said:

Angela I can relate too
So much of what you said mirrors how I feel. It is good to vent to us and it actually helps me to know that I am not alone.
I am so sick of feeling tired, sad, ugly etc. etc. I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again and it makes me so angry at this horrible disease! We've been kicked hard and as my daughter tries to remind me, we are forever changed by cancer. She is a thyroid cancer survivor. We are lucky when we have a great support system, as I also have, but believe it or not, it makes me feel guilty that they are so good to me and I can sometimes be so hard. I don't want to be and I hate the damn balancing act in my brain.
Hugs your way and vent any time.
Wanda

you are not alone
I have been posting the same feelings in the past few weeks but I am quite new to this...just dx 6 months ago. You were dx in 2007. HOwever as others have said it is a real rollercoaster ride and with the worry about recurrence and then having tests coming back not looking so good, it is very understandable for you to be feeling what you are feeling. I also tried effexor and it made me feel worse. I tried to take it 3 different times thinking well maybe I need to start taking it when I don't feel depressed and let it get in my system before I get depressed again...no...it made me feel worse when I was already depressed and also made me depressed even when I was not depressed before taking it. Someone told me they take celexa and that it never made them feel worse even from the beginning. I plan to ask my onc for that on Monday and see what happens. I have found that when I am feeling what you are feeling that I have to get up and do something and stay busy and then it usually passes. Some days I just take a drive to the lake and walk or go to the mall. You have to get out around other people and stay active to fight the depression bouts or they will consume you. I know from experience. I also do alot of talking to God and reading His word and that also gets me back to a positive frame of mind and gives me His strength and direction. You are strong and have made it this far...I know you will get through these upcoming tests and I pray everything comes out well for you. Please let us know and also know that I am praying for you. God Bless.
Lorrie

carkris

Lighthouse_7 said:

Angela I can relate too
So much of what you said mirrors how I feel. It is good to vent to us and it actually helps me to know that I am not alone.
I am so sick of feeling tired, sad, ugly etc. etc. I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again and it makes me so angry at this horrible disease! We've been kicked hard and as my daughter tries to remind me, we are forever changed by cancer. She is a thyroid cancer survivor. We are lucky when we have a great support system, as I also have, but believe it or not, it makes me feel guilty that they are so good to me and I can sometimes be so hard. I don't want to be and I hate the damn balancing act in my brain.
Hugs your way and vent any time.
Wanda

KBC that cracked me up bag
KBC that cracked me up bag of pee too funny! different meds affect people differently and sometimes it takes a few tries to get the one that is right for your chemistry. I think all these drugs affect your hormones. I know they do mine. I dont feel bad about surviving, I try to live in the moment or day. It makes me sad that I am anxious about planning my future, but you must fight and live your life. I know I get the most depressed when I am tired. I also have anger at these times. It really helped me to admit out loud how pissed off I was. No one asks for this, but what choice do you have? You can choose to be miserable every day, or happy. some days I am more successful than others I must admit. Have you tried counseling. anyways rant on, verbalize, hit your pillow and scream about how mad you are, and then go do something nice for yourself.

SamuraiMom

hi
Hi Survivor51,

My picture you see is what people see but how I feel does not reflect it in the photo.

I know how tough this is.

This is the perfect place to vent.

People without cancer don't get how tough it is to be walking around with the neon motel sign pointing down at your head everywhere you go flashing, "Cancer! Cancer! Cancer!" as you peruse the green beans and paper towels at the grocery store and give a smile to a stranger. They just don't see that neon sign but it follows you where ever you go.

I get it.

Hang in there sweet girl.

I don't want you to die. I know you don't want to either.

The suck factor in this situation is undeniable though.

You are heard and keep posting.

xxoo,
SamuraiMom
www.mymastectomyonline.com

24242

The guilt
I am hear to say that this can take us by surprise through out our lives. I am 14 years out of my BC fight and things continue to drag me back to the old feelings. It takes great courage to know that something is the matter and continue to go through tests and doctor visits when we would like nothing better than to get on with our lives. Fighting for the quality back in our lives is hard and drains us of the power we truly have.
It is difficult as others have said to look at ourselves and not see what others see something I have been battling my whole life not just through the cancer and scars. Having problems is something that a few of us experience and one must not give up on themself and what we know to be true for ourselves.
YOU have sisters here who understand exactly how you feel...
Tara

cahjah75

I may be wrong
Oh Angela,
I may be wrong but you sound depressed to me. I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists on and off since going through menopause. Then four years ago I started on a downward slope of 11 surgeries in 2 1/2 yrs. Talk about being depressed! Now I learn I have invasive breast cancer and suddenly I feel calm and I'm taking it all in. What's wrong with me? I was on Wellbutrin for the past 9 years and stopped taking it about 2 months ago (before being dx). I guess I'm stronger than I thought but the feelings I'm having now are confusing.

Have you talked with any professional about how you're feeling and ways to cope with those feelings? It might help to understand why you're feeling this way. Wishing you the best and remember God gives us what we're able to withstand....

This one time I did not read all the replys first and I'm now hitting myself upside the head. You have been through so much and have been there for everyone but yourself. Take time for YOU because YOU are worth it.
Char

bjmom1

survivor51 said:

So kind
Jan,
Thanks so very much for your comfort and you are correct, I will begin the up hill ride on the roller coaster with my sisterhood. Angela

I understand how u feel
I understand I am having those feeling right now. Only my is more of anger because of my recurrence. So if you want to rant go ahead because all of us have been there one time or another.

ppurdin

Hello
First of all,we are here for you and totally understand.Like you I am good at faking when I don,t feel good.I am through all my treatments as of January.I am taking Tamoxifin now.Some days it is really hard to keep smiling.Some times I just say I don,t feel good.Its ok to admite it.It took a long time for me to do this.Don,t be two hard on your self.Good luck.