Just ranting so you might not want to read this.
Comments
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no need to apoligize
Hi:
You don't need to apoligize for stating how you feel. You need to stop trying to keep every else happy and introduce them to " the real you you feel inside". Cancer sure is an emotional rollercoaster (and I hate any kind of rollercoaster!). You are a wonderful and strong person having undergone all you have experienced and are still experiencing, but you need to let some of that crying show on the outside so those around you can help you. If the Effexor is not helping, let your doctor know, there are many other meds that can be given. Maybe you also need to talk to a counsler to help. Pills can't do it all. I can understand the tiredness you have. I also feel useless at times when I can't do what I normally do. Reach out to your great husband, fantastic friends and family and let them know how you feel. I bet they will be of some help, but they can't help you if you keep hiding your feelings. And keep reading and posting to these boards. Maybe find a local support group. I hope you start to feel better, and as I said before, you don't need to ask for forgiveness, that is what this site is for.
Take Care,
Cathy0 -
I echo....
everything Cathy said.
I remember feeling just as you do during and after my 10-year long surgery-chemo-radiation-tamoxifen saga. When I finally got to the point of just having 6-month check ups I could hardly force myself to go to them. Just being in the doctor's office again made me sick.
I also kept it all inside. Everyone seemed to think that since I was 'cured' I should be on cloud nine and I tried my best not to disappoint. But inside I was mourning. Something I loved (my normal life) was gone and I did not know how to make a new one that I would be comfortable in. Nothing seemed to 'fit'.
But I can say that eventually other things in my world changed drastically and took my focus off of the 'cancer issues' enough to allow me to gain a different perspective about my body and what it might be up to when I wasn't looking.
I agree that you should try other meds, counseling, yoga (not a 'user' myself, but have heard many people say it helps loads), or whatever you think might help you gain a more peaceful frame of mind. For me prayer is a huge blessing. The kind where I just sit and 'center down' as the Quakers say it. Just keep looking...there is something out there that will speak to your inner self in positive ways.
And as Cathy said, don't be reluctant to 'get real' with the people in your life. They can take it. And come here any time you feel like ranting. We count it a privilege to be here to hear whatever you have to say.0 -
I am so newly diagnosed, aszahalene said:I echo....
everything Cathy said.
I remember feeling just as you do during and after my 10-year long surgery-chemo-radiation-tamoxifen saga. When I finally got to the point of just having 6-month check ups I could hardly force myself to go to them. Just being in the doctor's office again made me sick.
I also kept it all inside. Everyone seemed to think that since I was 'cured' I should be on cloud nine and I tried my best not to disappoint. But inside I was mourning. Something I loved (my normal life) was gone and I did not know how to make a new one that I would be comfortable in. Nothing seemed to 'fit'.
But I can say that eventually other things in my world changed drastically and took my focus off of the 'cancer issues' enough to allow me to gain a different perspective about my body and what it might be up to when I wasn't looking.
I agree that you should try other meds, counseling, yoga (not a 'user' myself, but have heard many people say it helps loads), or whatever you think might help you gain a more peaceful frame of mind. For me prayer is a huge blessing. The kind where I just sit and 'center down' as the Quakers say it. Just keep looking...there is something out there that will speak to your inner self in positive ways.
And as Cathy said, don't be reluctant to 'get real' with the people in your life. They can take it. And come here any time you feel like ranting. We count it a privilege to be here to hear whatever you have to say.
I am so newly diagnosed, as to consider myself at fetus stage. So, who am I to say anything? But, I do want to let you know, I agree with what has been said already. Perhaps it would be a good idea to change to another drug, other than the Effexor. And, don't be afraid to let the "others" see what you are really feeling on the inside. They are your support team, and they will be there for you, in whatever way you need them to be, I am sure. This is a fight I hate to see anyone having to fight. But, "we" are all in this together. So, if you need to rant and rave, do it here. I am sure that there will be someone who can relate, and answer your questions, or needs. BIG hugs! Ellie0 -
opening a can of worms?EllieJV said:I am so newly diagnosed, as
I am so newly diagnosed, as to consider myself at fetus stage. So, who am I to say anything? But, I do want to let you know, I agree with what has been said already. Perhaps it would be a good idea to change to another drug, other than the Effexor. And, don't be afraid to let the "others" see what you are really feeling on the inside. They are your support team, and they will be there for you, in whatever way you need them to be, I am sure. This is a fight I hate to see anyone having to fight. But, "we" are all in this together. So, if you need to rant and rave, do it here. I am sure that there will be someone who can relate, and answer your questions, or needs. BIG hugs! Ellie
I read an article in the Billings Gazette i'm from MT. about medical marijuana.. studies say it can help with nausea,sense of well being and has been known to shrink tumors, I don't personally know..and also know this is very controversial so sorry if i offended anyone. What i do know is that God made this herb for some reason.
God Bless
Jackie0 -
At some point we all must say....
ENOUGH! NO MORE playing the Joan of Arc of cancer! No more smiling and saying "Yes, I am" to the numb nuts that say "You are blessed to just be alive!". No more anything that we don't want to do, if possible (work is a must do..lol!).
Cancer makes us reinvent ourselves. I look in the mirror, and the person looking back is so different, I sometimes must do a double-take to remember that it's me. I used to say 'I have/had cancer' to everyone I met, now, well, it's none of their business, and no one met casually really cares..."How are you?" is a rhetorical question, not to be answered in any length.
All that said, well, there are some grand things about life. The secret is to, as the old saying goes, live each day to the fullest. If you want to spend the day with a good book, well, GREAT! If you want to take up skydiving, just make sure to pack your own parachute. The wonderful thing about living large is that it is YOUR plan (well, yours and your loved ones...but don't get trapped there, either...you don't have to be living your whole life to support them). Be good to YOU! This is not selfish. Just self-interested. I don't mean step on everyone else for your happiness, but don't let anyone step on you for theirs! On that final day, the only person standing there will be you.
My mom, bless her soul, once said to me after treatment "Kathi, you don't need to put me at the top of your list" I said "Mom, I love you, but I am at the top of my list. If I don't take care of me, I cannot take care of anyone else."
My girlfriend takes Lexapro. It gives her a lift, without spacing her out. You could ask about this.
BIG hugs to you, dearheart. I'm and old soul, so do what you will with my thoughts...lol!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Ranting
I just posted something similar on Peggy65's strand. But you express so well what I am experiencing, that I have to respond. I want so badly to run away from this whole situation. I hate damaging my family and bumming out my friends. I do put on a front at work, but that's about all I can manage. I am glad we can rant here, and so appreciate the love and support we get in return. I just called my psychiatrist. Had to leave a message, of course. I'm going to ask to try new meds. Have you tried something different? Love, Lynn0 -
Rant as much as you want!lynn1950 said:Ranting
I just posted something similar on Peggy65's strand. But you express so well what I am experiencing, that I have to respond. I want so badly to run away from this whole situation. I hate damaging my family and bumming out my friends. I do put on a front at work, but that's about all I can manage. I am glad we can rant here, and so appreciate the love and support we get in return. I just called my psychiatrist. Had to leave a message, of course. I'm going to ask to try new meds. Have you tried something different? Love, Lynn
I am at the beginning of my fight, but I do relate to much of what you say. At one point, I was so tired of people telling me how brave I was and how well I was dealing with things..there are some days I just want to cry and others when I look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at me. I think you need to find someone who can deal with your real feelings and listen to you on those "down days" without judging you...we are all here anyway and I doubt that there is a one of us who will not understand how you feel.
Take care and have days when you just do what you please.
Keep in touch. Love Pat0 -
To eat, drink and be merryrjjj said:opening a can of worms?
I read an article in the Billings Gazette i'm from MT. about medical marijuana.. studies say it can help with nausea,sense of well being and has been known to shrink tumors, I don't personally know..and also know this is very controversial so sorry if i offended anyone. What i do know is that God made this herb for some reason.
God Bless
Jackie
When my mother-in-law was constipated severely from the morphine she was taking for her metastatic breast cancer I made her a very strong marijuana tea to take in place of the morphine. This helped her with her pain so she didn't need the morphine. My father-in-law said he hadn't seen her sleep so soundly in ages and she didn't get high.0 -
I feel such a connection with the sisterhood
I do so appreciate all the comments posted to my ranting. I guess I have been trying so hard to be super woman to all my family and friends that I honestly have not taken care of the "me". My sister-in-law had a bilateral about two weeks ago and thankfully does not have to do chemo or radiation. My good friend I took today to my surgeon and she needs a biospy done. She is waiting until it is OK to take time from work. What is she thinking. I wonder some times if I have been so caught up in the drama of cancer, friends needing help, family needing help that I I don't know how to get out of the 911 state. On the 30th I go for the test to see if these places showing up on the MRI is cancer. I find myself feeling like thankfully all of this might be over soon. I can't even believe I feel that way because I do have that fairy tale life. I see your pictures and thankful I don't have young children and have to go through this. For those of you just starting out, I honestly had a pretty easy time. I did take the double chemo, lost my hair, have all my badges of honor...life is good afterwards but there are times that I guess you just have to sit on a pity pot for a time. You all have given me more strength and I appreciate you posting and kind words. I do plan to begin a journal and that is something I highly suggest if you are just starting with this roller coaster ride. I had cancer in both sides and reconstruction and I have to say that my new girls do look fantastic. They feel like my ole breast. It is just the pain in the mind that is hard to deal sometimes. It will get better and my prayers are with each of you. I'll try to pull my big girl panties up and get of my pity pot. It is not doing me any good. I will go back to my counseling....I haven't been in about 4 months. Take care and God Bless. Angela0 -
Oh Angela, it's so good to
Oh Angela, it's so good to hear from you again and I am so sorry you are still hurting. I remember you wrote some time ago about survivors guilt and you were quite down then too. What you are feeling is what I call "numb and flatlining". You have been through so much and are still going through it. Now you have to worry about your liver. This whole experience is traumatic and takes time and plenty of it to get it behind us. I can only speak for myself though. And I need lots of time. Please don't be harsh with yourself. What you are saying is common in a depressed person so please take the above advice and tell your doc the effexor isn't working. If you go to the arimidex website you will find depression listed so it's a double whammy. Unfortunately it's not listed on the insert as well as a few other symptoms and I suggested to the company that they do for all to see.
Please come and vent often. We miss you and we love you. A lot of wise women have spoken here, I hope you have found something useful.
Big hugs
jan0 -
marinolrjjj said:opening a can of worms?
I read an article in the Billings Gazette i'm from MT. about medical marijuana.. studies say it can help with nausea,sense of well being and has been known to shrink tumors, I don't personally know..and also know this is very controversial so sorry if i offended anyone. What i do know is that God made this herb for some reason.
God Bless
Jackie
Jackie:
There is a medication called marinol that is a pill which is medical marijuana. I have not taken it, but (as and RN) I have given it to patients and from my observations, it seems to work on the nausea. I have not heard of it shrinking tumors.
Take care,
Cathy0 -
Dang Angela - ain't it thesurvivor51 said:I feel such a connection with the sisterhood
I do so appreciate all the comments posted to my ranting. I guess I have been trying so hard to be super woman to all my family and friends that I honestly have not taken care of the "me". My sister-in-law had a bilateral about two weeks ago and thankfully does not have to do chemo or radiation. My good friend I took today to my surgeon and she needs a biospy done. She is waiting until it is OK to take time from work. What is she thinking. I wonder some times if I have been so caught up in the drama of cancer, friends needing help, family needing help that I I don't know how to get out of the 911 state. On the 30th I go for the test to see if these places showing up on the MRI is cancer. I find myself feeling like thankfully all of this might be over soon. I can't even believe I feel that way because I do have that fairy tale life. I see your pictures and thankful I don't have young children and have to go through this. For those of you just starting out, I honestly had a pretty easy time. I did take the double chemo, lost my hair, have all my badges of honor...life is good afterwards but there are times that I guess you just have to sit on a pity pot for a time. You all have given me more strength and I appreciate you posting and kind words. I do plan to begin a journal and that is something I highly suggest if you are just starting with this roller coaster ride. I had cancer in both sides and reconstruction and I have to say that my new girls do look fantastic. They feel like my ole breast. It is just the pain in the mind that is hard to deal sometimes. It will get better and my prayers are with each of you. I'll try to pull my big girl panties up and get of my pity pot. It is not doing me any good. I will go back to my counseling....I haven't been in about 4 months. Take care and God Bless. Angela
Dang Angela - ain't it the truth. I feel the same way as you, but only some days. Some days everything is fine. Its sort of like getting in and out of the bath tub, unable to acclimate, unable to relax. What keeps me going on the bad days is involvement in anything new and separate from my old life. My new yoga practice. New things at work. Anything that reaches back into pre DX days is like contaminated. Sometimes that includes my family. I have repainted the interior of the house to make it a new place.
Anyway, no advice, just a warm hug from a friend. Love and empathy, Joyce0 -
thanksJoycelouise said:Dang Angela - ain't it the
Dang Angela - ain't it the truth. I feel the same way as you, but only some days. Some days everything is fine. Its sort of like getting in and out of the bath tub, unable to acclimate, unable to relax. What keeps me going on the bad days is involvement in anything new and separate from my old life. My new yoga practice. New things at work. Anything that reaches back into pre DX days is like contaminated. Sometimes that includes my family. I have repainted the interior of the house to make it a new place.
Anyway, no advice, just a warm hug from a friend. Love and empathy, Joyce
Joyce,
Just seeing your picture give me a calmness. I have been gone way too long and guess I just need to face facts that this just does not go away but is something that is controllable. I do need to get a picture of myself posted and update my page. I guess I was trying to fake myself that I really hadn't been through anything special and no big deal. Take care and thanks so very much, Angela0 -
So kindphoenixrising said:Oh Angela, it's so good to
Oh Angela, it's so good to hear from you again and I am so sorry you are still hurting. I remember you wrote some time ago about survivors guilt and you were quite down then too. What you are feeling is what I call "numb and flatlining". You have been through so much and are still going through it. Now you have to worry about your liver. This whole experience is traumatic and takes time and plenty of it to get it behind us. I can only speak for myself though. And I need lots of time. Please don't be harsh with yourself. What you are saying is common in a depressed person so please take the above advice and tell your doc the effexor isn't working. If you go to the arimidex website you will find depression listed so it's a double whammy. Unfortunately it's not listed on the insert as well as a few other symptoms and I suggested to the company that they do for all to see.
Please come and vent often. We miss you and we love you. A lot of wise women have spoken here, I hope you have found something useful.
Big hugs
jan
Jan,
Thanks so very much for your comfort and you are correct, I will begin the up hill ride on the roller coaster with my sisterhood. Angela0 -
Why wouldn't I want to read it?
Hi Angela,
Sure, I want read this. Cancer sucks. If it didn't, people would be licking plastic and sticking their heads in microwaves.
It's nice that you're trying so hard to make other people comfortable. Admirable really. But you don't have to you know. The next time somebody asks you how you are, why not just tell them the truth? "I feel like as pile of Dog Poop." (or however you'd like to word it). Nothing will happen if you do. Really.
About a month ago, I was driving a patient to their rads (Road to Recovery) and the older lady mentioned that her daughter (who was out of state) told her when she was complaining aobut it: "Well, you know what you do when you get handed a bag of lemons, don't you? DON'T YOU? You make LEMONADE!!"
What? Excuse me?
I said, "Ahem, [Cancer Patient], the thing is you didn't get handed a bag of lemons. You got handed a bag of piss. And sure . . . you could add some sugar to it, but it's still piss. Next time your daughter tells you something stupid like that, tell her to hang up, drink a glass of sugary pee, and then call you back."
Angela, you got handed a bag of pee-pee. It's ok if you're not ok with that.
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))0 -
Similar boat
I am so sad reading your post and I wish I could say something that will help. The thing is that I can relate to how you feel. Being emotionally and mentally tired, loss of libido, feeling different than you were before cancer, sad on the inside and trying to act as if you are not for others. I have also been considering counseling and or meds.
I wish that I could give you some amazing advice but I guess i too am looking for an answer. I hope that you will feel better and perhaps as the others say a medicine switch could. I am hoping and praying for you. Eil0 -
You are so correctkbc4869 said:Why wouldn't I want to read it?
Hi Angela,
Sure, I want read this. Cancer sucks. If it didn't, people would be licking plastic and sticking their heads in microwaves.
It's nice that you're trying so hard to make other people comfortable. Admirable really. But you don't have to you know. The next time somebody asks you how you are, why not just tell them the truth? "I feel like as pile of Dog Poop." (or however you'd like to word it). Nothing will happen if you do. Really.
About a month ago, I was driving a patient to their rads (Road to Recovery) and the older lady mentioned that her daughter (who was out of state) told her when she was complaining aobut it: "Well, you know what you do when you get handed a bag of lemons, don't you? DON'T YOU? You make LEMONADE!!"
What? Excuse me?
I said, "Ahem, [Cancer Patient], the thing is you didn't get handed a bag of lemons. You got handed a bag of piss. And sure . . . you could add some sugar to it, but it's still piss. Next time your daughter tells you something stupid like that, tell her to hang up, drink a glass of sugary pee, and then call you back."
Angela, you got handed a bag of pee-pee. It's ok if you're not ok with that.
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much much and I can connect with the "lemon" analogy. I feel your hugggssss. Angela0 -
I feel youEil4186 said:Similar boat
I am so sad reading your post and I wish I could say something that will help. The thing is that I can relate to how you feel. Being emotionally and mentally tired, loss of libido, feeling different than you were before cancer, sad on the inside and trying to act as if you are not for others. I have also been considering counseling and or meds.
I wish that I could give you some amazing advice but I guess i too am looking for an answer. I hope that you will feel better and perhaps as the others say a medicine switch could. I am hoping and praying for you. Eil
Eil,
I read your posting earlier and now this one. By the way, your kitty is adorable. I know you have been on posting for a good while and we have connected previously. I guess we are just going to have to keep supporting one another and realize....we are here for the long run. I just wish there was a magic pill to totally forget. Maybe there just isn't an answer but instead "understanding" but I totally agree that I feel so ackward or disfunctional to still having feeling of anxiety, fear, uncomfort, etc. I gues someone might be reading this and saying "Get a life and stop the whinning". Thankfully I do have feeling and yet just feel comfort with the sisterhood. Lots of hugs and energy heading your way. Angela0 -
No forgiveness needed
This is what this forum is for, after all. So many of us feel just as you do. I don't have anything wise to say, really, just wanted to join the chorus here. But one thing: don't be mad at yourself for feeling down. You've been through a lot and you have the right to feel as you do. Friends and family don't always understand the way we feel. They want it to be over and for you to be fine. Kathi is right. There is a time to say "enough" to the guilt and to covering up how we really feel. When I was first diagnosed, after my surgery, my mother couldn't understand why I would be depressed. She thought I should feel blessed that I had dodged the cancer bullet. She would get fed up with me and say things like, "what more do you want? They took out the cancer and now they are treating you." That made me feel guilty that I was anything but joyous on the way to chemo. I think sometimes you need to tune people out and do what is right and best for you. Feel what you feel, relax, take time for yourself, to appreciate the true and strong person who are inside, even when you feel weakest. Hugs.
A side note about medication, I take low dose of lexapro (5 mg.) and it takes some of the edge off without making me disoriented.
Mimi0 -
Hey Angie: I responded to
Hey Angie: I responded to your post yesterday but don't know what happened it to. LOL. I was wondering where you have been and I feel awful that you are going through such a hard time. I think we all feel down at one point and I know exactly what you're feeling as I'm feeling it also. I guess I just want to go back to the before me whom I liked a whole lot better. Angela, I pray we all get out of this funk, and know that we are here for you. I've missed seeing you on the site and hope you come back to chat. Hugs, Lili
And....... there is nothing to forgive. Love ya, Lili0
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