re-what to say to mom...cont

Gizzy

Hello all.

thank you to everyone that have written. Since my last post, my mom was called back to the surgeon's office on Dec 17. We were asked to rush back 135 miles away so the surgeon could speak to my mom. More bad news and my mom nor I took the news well. The Dr found more cancer cells embedded in the breast. Her recommendation was to remove the breast entirely since 3/4 of it was already gone from the inside (according to the surgeon) removing the breast would give a 98% odds that the cancer would be completely gone. Or....leaving it alone 50/50 with treatment to see what it does with a 20% chance that the cancer will not return. I can't help but still feel sooooo angry about it all, why oh why didn't the Dr see it all at once. My mom is soooo scared and there is nothing that I can say. She read all the replies that all you wonderful, brave people have sent and she cried. I asked her to write and talk but she said "I just don't know what to say". I can't at all feel what she is going through. I just feel angry and when my father was ill with kidney failure I was always at odds with his doctors because here it was next to impossible to get decent healthcare for him. I had to make sure the doctors were watching my dad's condition. When my father passed out at his home in February 2 days before he died, the EMT's that arrived at his home called our hospital and told them on my dad's condition, the ER doctor told them don't even bother just call it, given his history of heart trouble. I was grateful that the EMT told me, which I don't think he was supposed to but I told him don't you dare, you do what it takes to keep him alive. And they did. It was soooo difficult doing all this for 8 years and now, I just can't get angry with these Doctors. When I was at odds with my dad's physicians it was a constant battle and at times I feel I made the situation worse, but at least my dad was taken care of. Maybe I'm just afraid this time, I don't want my mom to be treated badly if I am mad at her physicians. They say that my mom's surgeon is the best, but I have gut feelings about my not asking enough questions or the way I've gone about this surgery, this will be the 3rd one. She will have her breast removed on Jan 5. She will begin Chemotherapy on Jan 29th. She will have 2 injected drugs Taxotere or (Docetaxel) and Herceptin (Trastuzumab). I'm soooo scared for her. She doesn't look well at all. What can I do that I haven't? I try to be strong and I know she does, but I think we are both going to fall apart. My husband has been very supportive with me, I just wish I was a bigger support of my mom. I don't know how to fight my mom's cancer the way I fought my dad's heart disease, kidney failure and parkinson's...how do I do all this? How does my mom? She has spoken to the cancer support people here at our new cancer center. Well, anyway, I will keep you posted. It's real unreal...day after day...hurry and wait..
God Bless you all

Cynthia

zahalene

Dear Cynthia...
What a tremendous burden...
I am so sorry.
But you will face this and handle it just as you did for your Dad...one day, one step at a time.
I know you want to make it 'all better', but don't add to your burden with unrealistic expectations of yourself. There is only so much any of us can do.
Of course you should be an advocate for getting the best possible care for your mother, but just as important for her now is that you pour out your love on her. Put some trust in her medical team to do what is right for her body and release your energy to tend to her spirit.
And please don't forget to care for yourself as well. You want to remain strong for her and that may include getting help wherever you can find it, and taking breaks from the situation, even if it is just for an evening of hot baths and candles for yourself.
God bless.

mmontero38

So sorry Cynthia that your
So sorry Cynthia that your mom has to go through this once again. Unfortunately, they really can't tell until they remove and biopsy the site that everything was removed. It does happen. I hope that once they removed the entire breast they will get clean margins, which would mean the cancer was contained to the area. Be strong and take it one day at a time. Hard as it is when first diagnosed and feeling overwhelmed we all get through it a day at a time. The best you can do is be there for her. Hope all goes well. Hugs, Lili

Chellebug

Not handling the news
I've had my fair share of 'not handling the news well.' Especially when doctors start talking about percentages. Oh, did I lose it once with my radiation oncologist when he was trying to decide if I needed to proceed with radiation. Apparently my case was out of the box and he'd talked with several radiation oncologist around the country trying to decide what was best for me. After he started spurting out percentages and risk of recurrance, I lost it....nearly word for word, this is what I said (and mind you I was sitting face to face with my doctor and nearly bursting with tears)....

"Okay, well what about cars? So what are my chances of getting hit by a car? 5%,10%,20%.....What are they? Even though there's a risk, I still get up and get in one almost every single day!!!"

It was completely illogical, but it felt so good to just let it out. I don't regret it. You see, our doctors have seen it all when it comes to how we take the news we get. Our docs are grown, they are big boys/girls....they can take it!

Managing all the information you get, taking it in and 'checking it twice'....it can be so exhausting. But ultimately, if the treatment your mom receives is impacted by your way of making sure they are doing their job...then I'd go looking for a new doctor....even if he is the best one around. (My guess is, that your mom's doctor doesn't mind the questons! He probably appreciates you being there for her.) The Patient/doctor relationship is very important.

I'm sorry your mom has to have a third surgery. I had a third surgery, too. I wasn't happy about it at first either. BTW, I didn't find this discussion board until my treatment was nearly over. There are many ladies (so I've read) who read the posts and discussions but never write anything themselves for several months. There's no pressure for your mom to feel like she needs to write anything. She'll know when (and if) she's ready.

TAke care of yourself, Cynthia, so that you can take care of your mom. That's my best suggestion.
Blessings to you, too!
Chelle

seof

Cynthia,
I My Sister has the
Cynthia,
I My Sister has the same name, I love it! You have been through a lot and are still going through the wringer, as they say. It is hard to know whether what the Dr. is doing is absolutely the best. For me, the relationship with the Dr. is important. You can check out his credentials,ask to see the Dr's licence, ask where he got his education and check that the school is accredited, and you can ask for a list of former patients you can talk to to get some opinions about the Dr. You can look for his name in medical journals to see if he has done much research, or if his colleagues mention him. You can get a second or third opinion to see if what he is telling you is the same as what other Drs. will tell you. In the end, it comes down to whether you feel comfortable that this Dr. knows what he is doing and knows how to explain it to you (and your Mom). Ultimately she is the one who has to live with the consequences of the decisions that are made. The fear and frustration is part of it, but for me faith in Jesus gets me through. "Faith is the evidence of what is hoped for and the manifestation of things unseen". In other words, despite all circumstantial evidence to the contrary, it will be OK. May you and your Mom find faith and peace (and a great Doctor too).

seof