Divorce, illness and the Holidays - so it starts, sigh

terato

lindaprocopio said:

This is my first Christmas with cancer.
This is my first Christmas with cancer, and the first time in my life that I can understand why people can get blue over the holidays. I have always LOVED Christmas so much, but was totally caught by surprise how much I MISS the shopping and parties and snow play and all the trappings of a typical Christmas season. My cancer was diagnosed in August and I have recovered from my surgery and have completed 2 of my 6 scheduled chemo rounds. Because I am so vulnerable to infection now and have had some chemo side effects, I did all of my Christmas shopping online, and I passed on the few Christmas parties I was invited to, and then was surprised to find myself regularly fighting 'poor me' tears. Last week it seemed like all of my family and friends were caught up in the busy busy hustle and bustle of getting ready for the holidays and I spent the week isolated and spending so much time alone. I'd start thinking of the gingerbread houses and cookies that I made last year with the grandkids, and the Polar Express train ride we took, and the Christmas programs at the elementary school and at church, and all the fun that Christmas has always been, but is not this year because I never know if I will be well enough to go out. I had to stop phoning people because I only had to mention how much I miss my grandkids and I would start crying on the phone, making whoever I phoned feel bad, and shaming and embarrassing myself with this self-pity I clearly feel but would rather not broadcast. Christmas is hard when life is hard. And now I understand why people get down at Christmas time. And if misery loves company, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Today, I am on my 'upswing' chemo week where my white count is climbing and recovering before my next round December 29th, and I feel stronger. I went to lunch with a girlfriend and even stopped at a gift shop with her and picked up some little things. And so Christmas may not pass me by after all! And they say, in the darkness you can see the stars.

Linda, you are not alone, you are a "gift"!
Linda,

You have contributed so much in many venues, that, perhaps, this is your Christmas to rest and let your family and friends give a little back to you? Imagine that you are "Bill Bailey" and this is the final scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where all those he befriended over the years came to help him out when he was at the lowest point in his life. Stop trying to be a "human doing", and just be happy as a "human being"! Hell, I should be outside plowing snow, but I'm in here typing and listening to the radio!

Love, Courage, and Merry Christmas!

Rick

blueroses

terato said:

Linda, you are not alone, you are a "gift"!
Linda,

You have contributed so much in many venues, that, perhaps, this is your Christmas to rest and let your family and friends give a little back to you? Imagine that you are "Bill Bailey" and this is the final scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where all those he befriended over the years came to help him out when he was at the lowest point in his life. Stop trying to be a "human doing", and just be happy as a "human being"! Hell, I should be outside plowing snow, but I'm in here typing and listening to the radio!

Love, Courage, and Merry Christmas!

Rick

That was a beautiful post Rick
What a lovely posting and Linda I totally agree, time to take care of you now. Blessings.

lindaprocopio

Thank you all and I wish you the happiest of Christmases!
Thank you all for your kindness and support. Today I hit the grocery store to try and get the ingredients for an EASY Christmas dinner for my family, wearing a red and white Santa cap to hide my bald head, and a surgical mask to screen out all the germs everywhere. A little girl of about 2 spotted me, and pointed at me and shouted over and over with glee to her Mommy "Santa! Santa!" (I guess my white surgical mask was close enough to a beard for this tiny tike!) I had to laugh and give her a big "HO! HO! HO!" in my lowest voice. What fun! And her laughing little face took all the sting out of my being there to buy store-bought rolls, 'steam fresh' veggies, and an ice cream cake roll, all EASY substitutes for my traditional homemade crescent rolls and broccoli souffle and Copes Corn and homemade cheescakes of Christmas Past. So, although I will still make my mother's traditional Corn Bread Filling and fresh cranberry relish, the rest of my Christmas dinner menu matches my probable energy level, with so many shortcuts. And I know no one will care, but me.

Rick and I know each other from our shared work in philanthropy and fundraising, and 'met' virtually on another Message Board where we both post related to our work in that field. It was a lovely surprise to get an email from Rick a couple of months ago after I posted here the first time, recognizing me even in this new setting. Small world. (If you want to see me WITH HAIR, you can paste this into your browser: http://www.procopiofundraising.com/mission.aspx )

Thank you again! I get something from the people here that I just cannot get from anywhere else. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and renewed health in 2009!

blueroses

lindaprocopio said:

Thank you all and I wish you the happiest of Christmases!
Thank you all for your kindness and support. Today I hit the grocery store to try and get the ingredients for an EASY Christmas dinner for my family, wearing a red and white Santa cap to hide my bald head, and a surgical mask to screen out all the germs everywhere. A little girl of about 2 spotted me, and pointed at me and shouted over and over with glee to her Mommy "Santa! Santa!" (I guess my white surgical mask was close enough to a beard for this tiny tike!) I had to laugh and give her a big "HO! HO! HO!" in my lowest voice. What fun! And her laughing little face took all the sting out of my being there to buy store-bought rolls, 'steam fresh' veggies, and an ice cream cake roll, all EASY substitutes for my traditional homemade crescent rolls and broccoli souffle and Copes Corn and homemade cheescakes of Christmas Past. So, although I will still make my mother's traditional Corn Bread Filling and fresh cranberry relish, the rest of my Christmas dinner menu matches my probable energy level, with so many shortcuts. And I know no one will care, but me.

Rick and I know each other from our shared work in philanthropy and fundraising, and 'met' virtually on another Message Board where we both post related to our work in that field. It was a lovely surprise to get an email from Rick a couple of months ago after I posted here the first time, recognizing me even in this new setting. Small world. (If you want to see me WITH HAIR, you can paste this into your browser: http://www.procopiofundraising.com/mission.aspx )

Thank you again! I get something from the people here that I just cannot get from anywhere else. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and renewed health in 2009!

LIve and Learn
Hi Linda, I didn't realize both you and Rick were in fundraising - me too. It's a wonderful field isn't it, coming up with ideas and promotions to help people, I really miss it - no energy anymore. Maybe in 2009 I will latch on to some cause I come up with a plan for them for fundraising - it certainly lifts my spirits to do jobs like that.

I hope you don't overdo yourself with the Xmas dinner, afterall it's all about the fact you will be with friends and loved ones, so if there is a veggie short, only you will know, no one will care. All the best to you and yours at Xmas and I hope 2009 finds you getting better day by day. Merry Xmas.

zahalene

terato said:

Here is a real horror story about "ex" offenders.
Zahalene,

Did you read about this guy in Illinois who is engaged to a woman who will be his fifth wife? Wife #3 was discovered drowned in a perfectly dry bath tub and wife #4 is still missing, yet he found another woman willing to marry him! She has two young children by a previous relationship. What in hell is she thinking? "Love" may be blind, but is it also brain-dead?

http://news.bostonherald.com/news/national/midwest/view/2008_12_17_Drew_Peterson_engaged_to_woman_same_age_as_missing_wife_Stacy/srvc=home&position=recent

My message to #5, "Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!"

Rick

I saw that
If I thought my ex was really dangerous I would certainly do anything I could to prevent anyone else from being threatened. But, thank God, he is just a pain, not a serious threat to anyone.

Unknown

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

bluerose

Now it's Thanksgiving here in Canada - daughter coming to visit
Holidays can be sooooooooo stressful. Just broke my back, or so it feels, getting ready for my daughter's 3 day visit with me, well 2 and a half, my ex paid for her trip out so I guess that gives him dibs on her time and so I get the leftovers of her time - oh well that's how it goes. She has already had a big turkey dinner so I told her I would do samosas (an east indian phyllo treat), her favourite food, and of course I made pumpkin pies and have whipping cream so that will be good. Bought a little pumpkin to decorate so it will be fun.

It's going to rain the whole time she is here which is okay as I am feeling very tired and unfortunately I have to take her with me when I go for a specialist's appt on Tuesday for my surgery but again, that will be okay, it's the way I live so that's the way the cookie crumbles, lol. It will still be a chance for us to talk.

My daughter and I have had a rough go, long story, but I am determined to stay away from sensitive issues and ignore her trying to suck me into an arguement. I am trying to take the Zen approach. Sheeesh. A Zen Taurus, don't know if that is even possible. lol.

Anywho pray for me, should be interesting. Breathe, breathe, breathe, lol.

All the best, Bluerose

zahalene

bluerose said:

Now it's Thanksgiving here in Canada - daughter coming to visit
Holidays can be sooooooooo stressful. Just broke my back, or so it feels, getting ready for my daughter's 3 day visit with me, well 2 and a half, my ex paid for her trip out so I guess that gives him dibs on her time and so I get the leftovers of her time - oh well that's how it goes. She has already had a big turkey dinner so I told her I would do samosas (an east indian phyllo treat), her favourite food, and of course I made pumpkin pies and have whipping cream so that will be good. Bought a little pumpkin to decorate so it will be fun.

It's going to rain the whole time she is here which is okay as I am feeling very tired and unfortunately I have to take her with me when I go for a specialist's appt on Tuesday for my surgery but again, that will be okay, it's the way I live so that's the way the cookie crumbles, lol. It will still be a chance for us to talk.

My daughter and I have had a rough go, long story, but I am determined to stay away from sensitive issues and ignore her trying to suck me into an arguement. I am trying to take the Zen approach. Sheeesh. A Zen Taurus, don't know if that is even possible. lol.

Anywho pray for me, should be interesting. Breathe, breathe, breathe, lol.

All the best, Bluerose

Ahhh, yes, the dreaded holidays
Here's what I do when my daughter comes for an extended stay:
She likes to feel she is 'taking care' of me, so I have some project in mind for her to help me with. Making curtains, or re-arranging the furniture (she has a real knack for interior design). That keeps us away from other 'issues' and gives us excuses to giggle and just be silly.
Maybe you and daughter could work on your Christmas shopping list? Or create some holiday decorations?
Just a thought.
Hugs hun, u'll be fine.

bluerose

zahalene said:

Ahhh, yes, the dreaded holidays
Here's what I do when my daughter comes for an extended stay:
She likes to feel she is 'taking care' of me, so I have some project in mind for her to help me with. Making curtains, or re-arranging the furniture (she has a real knack for interior design). That keeps us away from other 'issues' and gives us excuses to giggle and just be silly.
Maybe you and daughter could work on your Christmas shopping list? Or create some holiday decorations?
Just a thought.
Hugs hun, u'll be fine.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men ......
Got all her favourite foods in and snacks, rented movies she would like, blah blah blah, had on a happy face and almost from the getgo she started talking about 'stuff', the dreaded 'stuff'. Okay, I thought to myself, I can handle this - stay calm and give advice where needed - no more no less and it seemed to work - 6 hours worth of working. Man, I'm exhausted. It's such a long story to totally understand what happened but her 'getting along' well with me and me with her lasted about 24 hours then it was like a switch flicked off in her head. She was quiet all day yesterday and thankfully a friend came over, who is like a second daughter to me, and I got all the hugs and 'I love you's' from her so that was good. It would take me an hour to tell you about it Zah but one thing that really sparked the whole thing here was how obvious it was that she really has little caring for me whatsoever, or at least doesn't seem to know how to show it if she does.

I saw that comment about your daughter wanting to take care of you Zah, CHERISH THAT because when it isn't there it's HELL. The bed wasn't soft enough, the pillows were too hard, the coffee was too strong. I busted my butt to get the place ready but it's not good enough for her and I'm not either is how she treats me.

This morning going off to an internal specialist who is going to run tests to advise me on my upcoming surgery, if I have it, and my daughter has got me so upset I haven't been able to think about the appt or notes or what I am going to say at all. I have my notes but haven't gone over them. I will in the waiting room I guess.

So I just wanted to say to you Zah, really enjoy your daughter's caring because there is nothing worse to a Mother than ungreatful, uncaring children. Now that's pain.

Love ya Zah, enjoy your daughter. Blessings, Bluerose

zahalene

bluerose said:

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men ......
Got all her favourite foods in and snacks, rented movies she would like, blah blah blah, had on a happy face and almost from the getgo she started talking about 'stuff', the dreaded 'stuff'. Okay, I thought to myself, I can handle this - stay calm and give advice where needed - no more no less and it seemed to work - 6 hours worth of working. Man, I'm exhausted. It's such a long story to totally understand what happened but her 'getting along' well with me and me with her lasted about 24 hours then it was like a switch flicked off in her head. She was quiet all day yesterday and thankfully a friend came over, who is like a second daughter to me, and I got all the hugs and 'I love you's' from her so that was good. It would take me an hour to tell you about it Zah but one thing that really sparked the whole thing here was how obvious it was that she really has little caring for me whatsoever, or at least doesn't seem to know how to show it if she does.

I saw that comment about your daughter wanting to take care of you Zah, CHERISH THAT because when it isn't there it's HELL. The bed wasn't soft enough, the pillows were too hard, the coffee was too strong. I busted my butt to get the place ready but it's not good enough for her and I'm not either is how she treats me.

This morning going off to an internal specialist who is going to run tests to advise me on my upcoming surgery, if I have it, and my daughter has got me so upset I haven't been able to think about the appt or notes or what I am going to say at all. I have my notes but haven't gone over them. I will in the waiting room I guess.

So I just wanted to say to you Zah, really enjoy your daughter's caring because there is nothing worse to a Mother than ungreatful, uncaring children. Now that's pain.

Love ya Zah, enjoy your daughter. Blessings, Bluerose

I am sorry, hun...
I was way too blasse' (is that right?) in my response. I had no idea you and your daughter had such a difficult time with your relationship. We just sweep it all under the rug and try not to trip over the bulges it causes.
Anyway, I am sorry the visit is not all you hoped it would be. Hugs.

bluerose

zahalene said:

I am sorry, hun...
I was way too blasse' (is that right?) in my response. I had no idea you and your daughter had such a difficult time with your relationship. We just sweep it all under the rug and try not to trip over the bulges it causes.
Anyway, I am sorry the visit is not all you hoped it would be. Hugs.

Dat's the way the cookie bounces, lol
Crumbles, bounces? Get it. Ball bounces, cookie crumbles? Get it, get it? lol.

No you weren't blase about it at all, no worries there. I think the bottomline for me with my daughter now is that I have to realize that she is now under the spell of her boyfriend's family and has thrown her own away. It's a long story but it's a hurtful situation to a Mother for sure. You would have been stunned at how yesterday in the Internal Specialists office she had come in with me and she sat there and read her book throughout the whole appt. when the doctor was talking to me about my surgery. It was so unreal the doc kept looking over at her lack of concern or interest. I don't know what's wrong with her but I believe that her boyfriend and maybe his family are behind this estrangement for a great part of it.

Oh well, I am trying to 'let go and let God', somedays I suceed more in doing that than other days. Hope today is a good one for you Zahster. Blessings, Bluerose

bluerose

bluerose said:

Dat's the way the cookie bounces, lol
Crumbles, bounces? Get it. Ball bounces, cookie crumbles? Get it, get it? lol.

No you weren't blase about it at all, no worries there. I think the bottomline for me with my daughter now is that I have to realize that she is now under the spell of her boyfriend's family and has thrown her own away. It's a long story but it's a hurtful situation to a Mother for sure. You would have been stunned at how yesterday in the Internal Specialists office she had come in with me and she sat there and read her book throughout the whole appt. when the doctor was talking to me about my surgery. It was so unreal the doc kept looking over at her lack of concern or interest. I don't know what's wrong with her but I believe that her boyfriend and maybe his family are behind this estrangement for a great part of it.

Oh well, I am trying to 'let go and let God', somedays I suceed more in doing that than other days. Hope today is a good one for you Zahster. Blessings, Bluerose

Oh great here comes Christmas. Coping strategies?
Anyone have any coping strategies for dealing with difficult family situations at Christmas? Hide comes to mind and don't answer the phone til January 2nd. lol.

Used to be so excited about Christmas but after years of dealing with side effects of treatments and family who doesn't get it, not so much anymore and it ticks me off. I WANT MY CHRISTMAS BACK.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Blessings, Bluerose