34-year old newly diagnosed - don't know how to go on
Comments
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I know you're rightKathiM said:Dark thoughts are ok, for an hour or two...
but longer than that, call your oncologist and ask for help....
To respond to your thoughts....none of us know whether treatment will work or not, but we MUST believe!!! (Just like the song). I talked to alot of survivors that were VERY long-term....25 and 30 years. This was uplifting.
My first cancer (rectal) was diagnosed the day after Thanksgiving. "Well, Kathi, we know it's cancer, but we don't know how to treat it. You need to get your affairs in order, we don't know how far it has spread." My daughter came home to live with me when my beau's father died a week before treatment was to begin. I said "I DON'T want ANY Christmas...how can I even THINK about celebrations right now." She said "I'm going to decorate anyway, if I'm going to live here!" She did, and it was the BEST! Even on Christmas day, after a full week of chemo and radiation when I was sick, exhausted and in bed, my family still came and we had dinner (well, actually, THEY had dinner, I had tea...lol). Long story short, they picked the right treatment, and I was well enough after surgery to start treatment for my 'other' cancer, breast cancer. I am now 4 years post-diagnosis, and am cancer free! (officially a semi-colon, but no cancer..lol).
Laughter was a big part. I found something every day to laugh about, even if it was small. Mel Brooks movies, and MASH got me thru many loooooong days. It DOES get easier. They first times were hard to laugh, and when they told me I had cancer AGAIN, well, I just said "I am so weary, I can't go on." One oncologist said it best "Kathi, you have battled so strongly and suffered so much already, why would you throw that away by not continuing the battle until the beast is vanquished?"
Hugs, Kathi
I am trying to believe all of you when you say that it will get easier. I desperately, desperately want that to be true. Even if I don't make it, this is no way to live. You are so amazing Kathi to have embraced life and laughter through all your trials. I want to be like that, too. I have been avoiding taking my anti-anxiety medication, afraid that it will lose its effectiveness when I "really need it." I just realized that I do really need it. I am so tired of feeling this way. I really believe that one can get adjusted to anything and find happiness in most situations -- even cancer. I have always been a person to obsess and feel uncomfortable about the unknown, but I have to change my perspective, I know.
I dream of the day when I am 4-years post-diagnosis.0 -
Hi Mimi! Welcome to this garden of varieties. As you'll see we are all so different in our everyday lifestyles but we come together and make a beautiful bouquet of thoughts, fears, encouragement, support and humor. Evertyhing you are feeling is so normal. Trying to untangle all the what ifs is exhausting. Instead of saying "what if" tell yourself 3 "I know" statements. Let them be the first things that come into your head no matter how silly. Instead of thinking that you have to be positive perhaps move that into trying just not to be negative. I'm a big fan of crying; for happy and sad. I think there is a reason that tears are liquid, not like goosebumps that just sit on us. Tears let our body and soul be washed...minus the bubbles,, it's your own little bath. take them as often as you need. Here's one thing you should know....we're here.mimivac said:I know you're right
I am trying to believe all of you when you say that it will get easier. I desperately, desperately want that to be true. Even if I don't make it, this is no way to live. You are so amazing Kathi to have embraced life and laughter through all your trials. I want to be like that, too. I have been avoiding taking my anti-anxiety medication, afraid that it will lose its effectiveness when I "really need it." I just realized that I do really need it. I am so tired of feeling this way. I really believe that one can get adjusted to anything and find happiness in most situations -- even cancer. I have always been a person to obsess and feel uncomfortable about the unknown, but I have to change my perspective, I know.
I dream of the day when I am 4-years post-diagnosis.
dawn0 -
Another bad daymimivac said:Bad day
Thanks. I am having a bad day today. I took a personal day from work and just can't keep the dark thoughts away. I keep thinking, what's the point of planning something for after treatment when I don't how things will work out. What if treatment doesn't work b/c of my particularly aggressive cancer? I know that these thoughts do not help, and makes things much worse for my emotional state. My husband begged me to get up and go to work this morning, but I just couldn't do it. He doesn't want me to sit at home and stew in morbid thoughts all day. I don't either, but going in was just so difficult. We're having a holiday lunch and the thought of getting together with everyone at work and talking about the holidays and hearing how happy everyone is was just too overwhelming. I want desperately to let go and be able to live in the moment and also believe that I will be OK, but I keep thinking of all the things against me living. What a mess.
Mimi I am so sorry that you are having another bad day. I can so relate to the feelings that you are having even the feeling that you are going blind. For me it was impossible to deal with without help. I was already on zoloft and I started taking xanax just after dx. I stayed on both regularly through treatment. I don't know how I would have made it through without both meds. I was a mess also. Please don't be afraid to take anti-depresants. If Effexor dosen't work for you try something else. There are lots of good meds out there.
I can certainlly understand you not wanting to be at work when everyone was celebrating. I found my self litterly kicking the wall just to relieve the emotions that were so built up inside. Try to stay busy and keep your mind occupied. It will get better.
Hugs
Jadie0 -
Bad daymimivac said:I know you're right
I am trying to believe all of you when you say that it will get easier. I desperately, desperately want that to be true. Even if I don't make it, this is no way to live. You are so amazing Kathi to have embraced life and laughter through all your trials. I want to be like that, too. I have been avoiding taking my anti-anxiety medication, afraid that it will lose its effectiveness when I "really need it." I just realized that I do really need it. I am so tired of feeling this way. I really believe that one can get adjusted to anything and find happiness in most situations -- even cancer. I have always been a person to obsess and feel uncomfortable about the unknown, but I have to change my perspective, I know.
I dream of the day when I am 4-years post-diagnosis.
HI Mimi, I am new to this network, but not to cancer. I am almost 3 years post my diagnosis of stage I breast cancer. I was only 41 at the time. I was upset and scared at first also. I had my bad days also with the feelings of dread. I can only tell you it does get better. Its normal to feel upset and scared. Keep talking to the people who love and care for you. Try to stay positive as much as you can though. I feel like a positive attitude is what helped me get through the whole ordeal so well. Today I am very healthy and happy. When I talked to people about my experience they can't believe I ever had breast cancer! As far as the unknown in life sometimes the only thing we can control is how we look at life, the anti-anxiety medicine did help me through the rough spots so I could relax enough to see things a little better
Keep dreaming that positive dream of years post diagnosis! 0 -
MiMi, I felt the same wayJadie said:Another bad day
Mimi I am so sorry that you are having another bad day. I can so relate to the feelings that you are having even the feeling that you are going blind. For me it was impossible to deal with without help. I was already on zoloft and I started taking xanax just after dx. I stayed on both regularly through treatment. I don't know how I would have made it through without both meds. I was a mess also. Please don't be afraid to take anti-depresants. If Effexor dosen't work for you try something else. There are lots of good meds out there.
I can certainlly understand you not wanting to be at work when everyone was celebrating. I found my self litterly kicking the wall just to relieve the emotions that were so built up inside. Try to stay busy and keep your mind occupied. It will get better.
Hugs
Jadie
MiMi, I felt the same way when I found out I had BC. I had a mastectomy on my right breast in June. Everyone here has help me alot. You also have helped me. I did not read everyone post so I maybe repeating someone. There will be good days and there will be bad days but you will get through them.0 -
Thank youdorothyt said:MiMi, I felt the same way
MiMi, I felt the same way when I found out I had BC. I had a mastectomy on my right breast in June. Everyone here has help me alot. You also have helped me. I did not read everyone post so I maybe repeating someone. There will be good days and there will be bad days but you will get through them.
I am better today. I went to see my gynecologist just to make sure everything was OK on that front (like I said, I was starting to get paranoid that I had every kind of cancer in the book). He said it looked OK to him, but we would have to wait for the test results. He told me not to obsess. Everyone that recommended that I go ahead and let my anti-anxiety meds help were so right. I started back on my xanax and 5 ml. of lexapro and I already feel less anxious and more centered. I am also listening to guided imagery and relaxation tapes. I start chemo on Friday. Yikes.0 -
You will be alright justmimivac said:Thank you
I am better today. I went to see my gynecologist just to make sure everything was OK on that front (like I said, I was starting to get paranoid that I had every kind of cancer in the book). He said it looked OK to him, but we would have to wait for the test results. He told me not to obsess. Everyone that recommended that I go ahead and let my anti-anxiety meds help were so right. I started back on my xanax and 5 ml. of lexapro and I already feel less anxious and more centered. I am also listening to guided imagery and relaxation tapes. I start chemo on Friday. Yikes.
You will be alright just take it easy.0 -
Hi Mimi....
All of the wonderful and caring ladies here will help you in any way that they can. I know...they have helped me tremendously.
When I was first dx'd, stage 2B, I found myself just spinning in circles out of sheer terror. There was no rest for me, no emotion other than fear. I KNEW that I couldn't do the treatments. And even if I did, I KNEW that I was going to die from the cancer.
Well, it didn't take long before I came to the conclusion that I couldn't continue thinking that way. If I did, I would surely lose my sanity, at the very least.
So I found this site. And I started to talk to those here, who have "been there, done that".
I received encouragement...and courage!
For me, after mastectomy, breaking the treatments (8 chemo & 30 rads & a year of Herceptin infusions) down into day by day and week by week, helped. It was/is so much easier than thinking of giving a year and a half of my life over to cancer treatments.
I celebrate each milestone...today was my 8th and final chemo! And I made it!!
Now I KNOW that I can continue and that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was!
So please keep coming here and talking. And know that you have so much more courage than you give yourself credit for! You will surprise yourself at what you can do. And we are all sending you encouragement and hugs!
Wishing all the best for you!
CR0 -
A word of cautionmimivac said:Thank you
I am better today. I went to see my gynecologist just to make sure everything was OK on that front (like I said, I was starting to get paranoid that I had every kind of cancer in the book). He said it looked OK to him, but we would have to wait for the test results. He told me not to obsess. Everyone that recommended that I go ahead and let my anti-anxiety meds help were so right. I started back on my xanax and 5 ml. of lexapro and I already feel less anxious and more centered. I am also listening to guided imagery and relaxation tapes. I start chemo on Friday. Yikes.
Hi Mimi
Sooooo glad that you are feeling some better. Please take your meds regularly. You will do much better on a daily dose.
Be sure to eat a light meal before and after your treatments. I came out of my first chemo feeling great so I had a large lunch. Big mistake. Good thing that I had good meds for nausia. Probably wouldn't have got sick if I had eaten light and no rich foods.
Keep us posted.
Hugs
Jadie0 -
If you visit internet sites,mimivac said:thank you
Thank you for your wonderful responses. I am feeling better and more hopeful today. It is good to know that it does get better, at least emotionally. I was getting so very anxious that I began to feel that I was losing my vision as well. I made an appointment with my eye doctor, and I just got back -- my vision has actually improved over the last year. It's crazy how the emotional aspect of this can be so overwhelming. I have never felt that I was a particularly strong person, so there are times when I just don't know how to get through this -- or if I will. Three doctors have so far told me that I am not going to die, but then I will read something on the internet about young women's cancer and start to doubt. Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? My doctors seem optimistic, but in my worst moments I am certain that they are wrong. I can't seem to trust anything right now.
If you visit internet sites, be sure they are reliable sites. My Oncologist warned me about that and gave me a list of three or four. The one I came to trust and visited often was the Mayo Clinic. There's something for everyone on the internet! This survivors network is a good source of first hand information - be sure to visit often.0 -
WowCR1954 said:Hi Mimi....
All of the wonderful and caring ladies here will help you in any way that they can. I know...they have helped me tremendously.
When I was first dx'd, stage 2B, I found myself just spinning in circles out of sheer terror. There was no rest for me, no emotion other than fear. I KNEW that I couldn't do the treatments. And even if I did, I KNEW that I was going to die from the cancer.
Well, it didn't take long before I came to the conclusion that I couldn't continue thinking that way. If I did, I would surely lose my sanity, at the very least.
So I found this site. And I started to talk to those here, who have "been there, done that".
I received encouragement...and courage!
For me, after mastectomy, breaking the treatments (8 chemo & 30 rads & a year of Herceptin infusions) down into day by day and week by week, helped. It was/is so much easier than thinking of giving a year and a half of my life over to cancer treatments.
I celebrate each milestone...today was my 8th and final chemo! And I made it!!
Now I KNOW that I can continue and that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was!
So please keep coming here and talking. And know that you have so much more courage than you give yourself credit for! You will surprise yourself at what you can do. And we are all sending you encouragement and hugs!
Wishing all the best for you!
CR
CR, this is EXACTLY what I feel like most of the time. Even though my cancer is still fairly early stage, I think, "but I still will die, it's somehow worse than everyone else's." You are right that this kind of thinking cannot be sustained in the long run. It kills you emotionally. Tomorrow I start chemo and I will think of all of you supporting me and surviving this. I am still scared, but I have to do this, so I will. I have to say that my few days on this forum so far have made a huge difference. Although I have supportive and helpful friends and family, I don't know anyone (especially my age) who has personally gone through this. Thank god for the internet! Please wish me luck tomorrow, and THANK YOU.0 -
Lots of LUCK and LOVEmimivac said:Wow
CR, this is EXACTLY what I feel like most of the time. Even though my cancer is still fairly early stage, I think, "but I still will die, it's somehow worse than everyone else's." You are right that this kind of thinking cannot be sustained in the long run. It kills you emotionally. Tomorrow I start chemo and I will think of all of you supporting me and surviving this. I am still scared, but I have to do this, so I will. I have to say that my few days on this forum so far have made a huge difference. Although I have supportive and helpful friends and family, I don't know anyone (especially my age) who has personally gone through this. Thank god for the internet! Please wish me luck tomorrow, and THANK YOU.
Lots of LUCK and LOVE tomorrow, MIMI! love Joyce0 -
Good Luck!mimivac said:Wow
CR, this is EXACTLY what I feel like most of the time. Even though my cancer is still fairly early stage, I think, "but I still will die, it's somehow worse than everyone else's." You are right that this kind of thinking cannot be sustained in the long run. It kills you emotionally. Tomorrow I start chemo and I will think of all of you supporting me and surviving this. I am still scared, but I have to do this, so I will. I have to say that my few days on this forum so far have made a huge difference. Although I have supportive and helpful friends and family, I don't know anyone (especially my age) who has personally gone through this. Thank god for the internet! Please wish me luck tomorrow, and THANK YOU.
Mimi! Good Luck today with your chemo! Hopefully it won't be too bad! Let us know how you make out! HUGS!!!! Cathy0 -
Hey Mimi, I hope all wentmimivac said:Wow
CR, this is EXACTLY what I feel like most of the time. Even though my cancer is still fairly early stage, I think, "but I still will die, it's somehow worse than everyone else's." You are right that this kind of thinking cannot be sustained in the long run. It kills you emotionally. Tomorrow I start chemo and I will think of all of you supporting me and surviving this. I am still scared, but I have to do this, so I will. I have to say that my few days on this forum so far have made a huge difference. Although I have supportive and helpful friends and family, I don't know anyone (especially my age) who has personally gone through this. Thank god for the internet! Please wish me luck tomorrow, and THANK YOU.
Hey Mimi, I hope all went well today. Waiting for your post. Hugs, Lili0 -
I am done!mmontero38 said:Hey Mimi, I hope all went
Hey Mimi, I hope all went well today. Waiting for your post. Hugs, Lili
Just got home from my first chemo (TAC). I was fine during the procedure, but am beginning to feel a little fatigued right now. It turned out that my 3rd lab results came out that I am triple negative. She wasn't happy with that, but said that we weren't going to let that intimidate us, and that my prognosis was still very good. I am feeling conflicted. Partly happy and partly sad that I am not ER+. Oh well, I just need to take care of myself right now and hope for the best. Thank you for making me feel better.
Mimi0 -
Hello
Hi, I am responding to your email yesterday or recently (Jan 16, 2010). I am recently diagnosed with TNBC, and this is my second go round w/breast cancer; my first with TNBC however. This seems much more serious than the first bout, and I am scared stupid with the prospect of this chemo, Taxotere + cytoxan every 3 wks, or I could do cytoxan + taxol and adriamycin...not sure which one the ocologist recommends...both sound horrible. I understand you are well along in the treatment program, and I hope you can help me out. I am 62 and look forward to hearing from you, or anyone in a similar situation.0 -
Darlene I'm 67 was diagnosedDarlene_Mays said:Hello
Hi, I am responding to your email yesterday or recently (Jan 16, 2010). I am recently diagnosed with TNBC, and this is my second go round w/breast cancer; my first with TNBC however. This seems much more serious than the first bout, and I am scared stupid with the prospect of this chemo, Taxotere + cytoxan every 3 wks, or I could do cytoxan + taxol and adriamycin...not sure which one the ocologist recommends...both sound horrible. I understand you are well along in the treatment program, and I hope you can help me out. I am 62 and look forward to hearing from you, or anyone in a similar situation.
Darlene I'm 67 was diagnosed in May of last year. Stage 2, ER+, with lymph node involvement. I've had 4 rounds of adriamycin and cytoxan, and had 1 round of taxol so far. It's not easy but doable with all the meds they have to help along the way. I had a lot of nausea with A/C and we finally found a combination of drugs that worked. I get my 2nd taxol infusion this coming Tuesday and now need to find the right combo of meds to deal with the joint pain. I get my chemo every 3 weeks with a follow up neulasta shot the day after chemo. I think age has something to do with our rebound from chemo. I t takes me a week and a half to feel better, and the week prior to my next chemo for the most part I feel myself again. It's been rough a times, but I have good days as well as bad. I try not to let any fear take over me. I get concerned, but know that worrying one iota will do nothing but wear me down. it is what is, and I'm doing everything I know possible to beat this. Please hang in there. You will find a great deal of help at this website. God bless You as you walk this walk once more. Hugs to you.0 -
Thanks for the comfortnatly15 said:Darlene I'm 67 was diagnosed
Darlene I'm 67 was diagnosed in May of last year. Stage 2, ER+, with lymph node involvement. I've had 4 rounds of adriamycin and cytoxan, and had 1 round of taxol so far. It's not easy but doable with all the meds they have to help along the way. I had a lot of nausea with A/C and we finally found a combination of drugs that worked. I get my 2nd taxol infusion this coming Tuesday and now need to find the right combo of meds to deal with the joint pain. I get my chemo every 3 weeks with a follow up neulasta shot the day after chemo. I think age has something to do with our rebound from chemo. I t takes me a week and a half to feel better, and the week prior to my next chemo for the most part I feel myself again. It's been rough a times, but I have good days as well as bad. I try not to let any fear take over me. I get concerned, but know that worrying one iota will do nothing but wear me down. it is what is, and I'm doing everything I know possible to beat this. Please hang in there. You will find a great deal of help at this website. God bless You as you walk this walk once more. Hugs to you.
Hi, Just read your response, and thank you. I begin the first round of chemo on 2/1/10. I had port implanted, and had a echo-cardiogram done. As far as I know, there is nothing to do now but wait for Monday. I am so not looking forward to this journey, but I know there really is no alternative. Thanks for the words of confidence, I need that. Will keep in touch. ((()))0
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