Okay, here I am again. Today is my birthday and I am 45 years old. I have been struggling with my emotions because I hate the idea of getting older but I feel grateful to be here to have another birthday. You see, ever since my diagnosis I have been very fearful of death. Birthdays remind me that another year of my life has passed (lightening fast as they all do lately) and aging now serves as a reminder that I am getting closer to death. I am becoming preoccupied with fighting any and all signs of aging so as to avoid seeing visual proof that I am getting closer to death. I am even contemplating plastic surgery in the near future. Do you think I am a nut????? Please don't suggest counseling because there is nothing they can say to successfully minimize the fact that we all must die. I have read that most people preoccupy their minds with material and superficial goals as a defense mechanism to avoid facing the inevitable. I just love life so much, and the thought of not being here anymore is horrible. Think about it; we all work so hard at building our lives---school, college, work/careers, forging friendships and relationships, building a home etc...for what??? Just so we can die in what feels like a very short passage of time? Am I the only one who thinks about this? We struggle to beat cancer so that we can live, but life passes in the blink of an eye.I can not believe that it has been more than 2 yrs since my diagnosis. I just wish I could slow time down. God has given us so much to enjoy here on earth, I guess I just don't want it to end and I don't want to ever leave or lose the people I love. I guess I'm just wondering if theres anyone else that feels the same. Thanks for listening.