having a tough time

Unknown

First off i would like to say to everyone who is suffering, and scared your all in my thoughts and prayers. Why is it that this is supposed to be the happiest part of my life after getting through cancer and im so down. I can barely look in the mirror. it makes me cry. (please look at my webpage and give honest opinions) I nag my bf for staring at other girls who look great. It makes me feel horrible. Im so weak, and i feel like i just dont know who i am anymore. Like i've lost my identity. its easy during the day but at night when he falls asleep and im up im scared that its going to come back, i feel so sad for everyone who is still going through everything. is there anyone with boyfriends or husbands that felt bad when they looked? any advice i would gladly appreciate please. thanks so much. Im already on medicine for depression but even my doctor said its going to take time. please help.

BonnieR

Dear JennaRose, First off a huge ((((((hug))))). And then to let you know it is really common to be depressed after all the treatments and stuff. For one you just came through a heck of a battle, secondly you are running on low hormones. Many people after treatments take anti depressants for awhile and it takes awhile for them to start working. I know it will get better and that lots of the woman here well share lots of encouraging words.

Hugs N Prayers BonnieRose

floridajo

JennaRose,
Was your BF looking at other girls before you were dx?? Maybe you could have a little talk with him and share how much this hurts you. It does take a while to get over the fear and worry. There are times that I have to force myself to stay upbeat and strong, but we all have tough days, on these days I let my self cry, and whatever it takes to feel better. Have you looked into a local support meeting there in town. Might give you some more friends who know how you feel right now. Good luck, and give yourself time to heal. You have been through a very rough time in your life, but it gets better, I promise...*((((((hugz)))..Joanne

mopar

You've been through so much - don't be so hard on yourself. The other ladies gave you some good advice. And is your bf really 'looking', or are you perceiving it as such because you feel so low? There are so many factors here. I agree you should maybe have a nice chat with your bf to let him know - he may not be aware of why you feel this way.
In the meantime, be assured it will get better. We will all send prayers and hugs in bunches.
(((HUGS)))
Monika

saundra

Yes, it does get better. A trick I did when I felt like crying and set a time to cry (OK, I'm going to give myself permission to cry for 30 min. at such and such time (when I was alone). Rule is that I have to cry for the entire 30 min. and get it out of my system. After that is over, I ask myself if it really did make be feel better. After awhile my answer was mostly "no" therefore it was not worth the effort. Worked for me. My husband has been very supportive but we have been married for almost 48 years. I agree with open honest discussion with you bf. ((HUGS))

jamilou

Jennarose you are such a pretty young woman and I know that this has got to be awful to be so young and have such a horrible time! But...as the ladies have said, it will take time for the meds to start working and you start feeling better. Whenever I had those times of not feeling so pretty I would add highlihgts to my short hair or one time I colored it red! I certainly got a reaction from my husband from that one! Good luck sweetie...I know that soon you will be feeling better and maybe if you can't talk to your boyfriend you can have him read these post.
Thinking of you!
Jami

kris43

Jenna - I am sure all of us here just want to wrap our arms around you and make it all okay. As hard as it is to think about, your focus has to be and should be that you are taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically - and you cannot "make" someone stop doing something that bothers you. You must speak up and tell him it is hurting you. You have been through so much and your self-esteem seems so low. I'm not much of a religious person really - but I've always loved the saying "God doesn't make junk".

I am 43 and struggle with the emotions so cannot, for the life of me, imagine being 20 and going through the same thing. I tell my 21 year old son a lot that if you thought your teens were bad - your 20's are worse. So much trying to figure out who you are, what you want, where are you heading, will anyone love me? He knows it's true. Now imagine all of that and surviving ovarian cancer on top of it - that's a large mountain to climb. Take baby steps each day and BELIEVE in yourself. Keep the faith Jenna and know that people care. Keep posting and taking deep breaths and day by day you will become stronger. And TALK TO YOUR DOCTORS - a little anxiety or anti-depression medicine may be of help. And that is coming from someone who really struggles with meds and what they do to you. Ativan has been a life saver for me when the nights are just too much to bear and I need to sleep. Am thinking of you. Kris

lindachris

I'm going to reply without looking at what anyone else wrote, because I want to give you an honest reply. I'm older and have been married 20+ years to my wife, and I've always told her how much I loved her and did not care that she went up and down in weight over the years. It was her I loved. I've tried to prove that to her so many ways over the years, but sometimes people hear and see only what they're used to, etc. Well, we went through ovarian cancer Round 1 together and she lost her hair and had her belly carved up, but I still loved her. Now we're in Round II and I will tell you that as a sort of self-protection I imagined on occasion what it would mean if I lost her. And occasionally I'd even think who I'd want to meet if she did die. I felt horribly guilty for these thoughts, like I was killing her off or something. But I realize I'm human and was just trying to protect myself. And we went through some horrid stuff together this round; ascites and anxiety and depression, but it's very weird that it has brought us closer. In some ways people's worst faults expose the areas they ultimately can change. And through prayer and support we feel that there is a purpose in everything we've gone through. Like we've been refined. I no longer have those thoughts, but I now consider them healthy in a way. Some psychologist can tell me why. I don't care. Men will look at other women because they're scared, or filling some unspoken need, some vision of themselves they haven't had the courage to share. So be patient. Ask questions, kindly. You've shown much courage and you will come out of this depression. Something will touch your heart, or someone, and you will emerge. That's it. That's the best "male" perspective I can offer. Hope it doesn't sound nuts.

aussie59

JennaRose, I look at your pictures and I see a beautiful young lady with gorgeous eyes, young perfect skin and a fabulous smile. Ovarian cancer can make you lose your hair for a short time but it cannot change your lovely attractive face. You are unique. I was diagnosed at 55 years and I cannot imagine going through what you have gone through at 19 years. You are such a strong person to have coped with it at that age. We sometimes forget that our love ones also go through hell because they love us. Your bf has stood by you and he is also so young. I was told by my gyn/onc in 2002 that ovca was an old person’s disease. You were diagnosed with stage 2c therefore your survivor rate is very very high and you have youth and you are eating healthy and trying to stay positive. This will soon come to an end and you will go back to a normal life. Irene

curlee8661

Hi Jennarose,
My name is Marianna. I'm 52 years old and married, but aside from that I feel like I can very much relate to you. I was also diagnosed with stage 2C ovarian cancer in April 07. Since fertility was not an issue at my age, I had a complete hysterectomy instead of radiation, followed by 6 chemo sessions. A month ago, I had a "second look" surgery during which they took many tissue samples to verify that the treatments worked. A couple of days later, my surgeon told me the official news that there's no sign of cancer, but as you, I've been unable to let myself be happy about it. I've been sad and confused and trying to figure out what is wrong with me for feeling this way. I thought if/when the time came to hear the good news I would want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can't. It's just very difficult for me to let my guard down not knowing if the cancer will come back again. This fear along with the feeling that I need to "keep my dukes up" for the next fight that may be just around the corner keeps me from being able to relax and enjoy the positives in the present. Fortunatelly, my doctor prescribed some non-hormonal meds to help with my hot flashes which is usually prescribed for anxiety. Although this drug (Clonazepam) isn't doing much for my hot flashes, it does seem to be elevating my mood. After taking it for about 2 weeks now, I've noticed the other day that I'm looking forward to going back to work and doing the things I enjoyed before cancer. I'm smiling and being goofy more like I used to.

Looking back at what we've been through it's not surprising that we feel depressed, even when it seems to be behind us. At the start of all this I felt an overwhelming fear, and now in addition to some residual fear I also feel guilt for doing better than many others who are not as fortunate. I think that's a big part of the sadness. Now, as the fog of this cancer experience is beginning to lift, I'm starting to remember who I am, and before long I think you will too. I've recently joined a local support group, and I'm finding that talking with people who understand what you've been through and how you're feeling is very helpful. Also, exercising, and the use of relaxation/meditaion CDs help as well.

Hang in there! After what you've been through, this is the easy part. I hope you'll be feeling better soon!

~Marianna~

P.S.
Please feel free to email me!

mopar

curlee8661 said:

Hi Jennarose,
My name is Marianna. I'm 52 years old and married, but aside from that I feel like I can very much relate to you. I was also diagnosed with stage 2C ovarian cancer in April 07. Since fertility was not an issue at my age, I had a complete hysterectomy instead of radiation, followed by 6 chemo sessions. A month ago, I had a "second look" surgery during which they took many tissue samples to verify that the treatments worked. A couple of days later, my surgeon told me the official news that there's no sign of cancer, but as you, I've been unable to let myself be happy about it. I've been sad and confused and trying to figure out what is wrong with me for feeling this way. I thought if/when the time came to hear the good news I would want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can't. It's just very difficult for me to let my guard down not knowing if the cancer will come back again. This fear along with the feeling that I need to "keep my dukes up" for the next fight that may be just around the corner keeps me from being able to relax and enjoy the positives in the present. Fortunatelly, my doctor prescribed some non-hormonal meds to help with my hot flashes which is usually prescribed for anxiety. Although this drug (Clonazepam) isn't doing much for my hot flashes, it does seem to be elevating my mood. After taking it for about 2 weeks now, I've noticed the other day that I'm looking forward to going back to work and doing the things I enjoyed before cancer. I'm smiling and being goofy more like I used to.

Looking back at what we've been through it's not surprising that we feel depressed, even when it seems to be behind us. At the start of all this I felt an overwhelming fear, and now in addition to some residual fear I also feel guilt for doing better than many others who are not as fortunate. I think that's a big part of the sadness. Now, as the fog of this cancer experience is beginning to lift, I'm starting to remember who I am, and before long I think you will too. I've recently joined a local support group, and I'm finding that talking with people who understand what you've been through and how you're feeling is very helpful. Also, exercising, and the use of relaxation/meditaion CDs help as well.

Hang in there! After what you've been through, this is the easy part. I hope you'll be feeling better soon!

~Marianna~

P.S.
Please feel free to email me!

Marianna:
I just wanted to say how touched I was by your entry. You said some of the things I experienced, but couldn't seem to find the right words to say it! I'm sure JennaRose will appreciate your response. And I hope that it is encouraging to her, especially knowing that it is an extraordinarily common 'malady' that many of us go through.
Hugs and prayers for your continued remission, and lust for life!
Luv,
Monika