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Dreams you'd given up because of cancer?

JanJan63
JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

I'm feeling down today and focusing on this and I'm wondering if you all have the same feelings, too, sometimes. I'm not living my best life and giving up my dreams has been so hard. I'd hoped we'd live in the country again and I'd have my horse with us. But now I can't work and that will never happen due to money issues. We'd also like to retire somewhere else, like BC. But I have to be in close proximity to a hospital and we have to watch for what coverage a diiferent province has and how well they look after cancer patients. I hate how every decision or dream I've had has been taken away.

I'd love to have a veggetable garden and have wanted one for the last few years. But the last two summers I was too sick to have looked after one. And now I feel like if I get one this year and I get sick again it would be just a waste of time. The last two Septembers I was in the hospital so I couldn't have even harvested it if I'd been able to look after it. And it's stupid but I feel kind of jinxed about September now.

I'll be taking some art classes at the cancer place that offers them free for cancer people but i also feel like why bother learning anything when I won't be here that long. Is it worth it?

I rode my horse last night and I now have a really crappy seat and even get tired holding the reins properly. I spent years perfecting my seat and riding the correct way. Now I slouch and am messy. My showing days are over- another lost dream- but I still want to ride well. And if I keep this up my muscle memory will become the crappy way I sit.

I hate how this rules my life. I hate having to consider it in regards to every move I make. I hate that it also has a negative effect on my husband's dreams for the future. He can do what he wants once I'm gone and that makes me feel like a burden. So it affects two people. It's not fair. Goddam cancer.

Jan 

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Comments

  • myAZmountain
    myAZmountain Member Posts: 417
    Farmhouse Renovation dream

    We have a little boat house on a river in little historic town in Maryland, there is an old distressed farmhouse across the street that I had dreamed of buying and turning into a family compound--maybe even starting a business like a wedding destination--I had my husband on board with the plan --that ended in the ER last year with diagnosis of Stage 4 CRC......Life can change in an instant.

  • zx10guy
    zx10guy Member Posts: 273
    Maybe things would have still

    Maybe things would have still resulted in the final out come if I hadn't had cancer(s).  But I'm saying the dream of being married, growing old with my wife, and experiencing life as a family with my daughter is gone.

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,516
    Home, I long for home

    I am English born and bred. I now live in the Nevada desert, so you can imagine how homesick I am for the lush, green, wood covered England. 

    I went home once, the year of my liver surgery, but it was a hard 24 hour journey, including two flights, one 12 hour flight.  My bowel just isn't predictable enough to want to be tied to one bathroom in a huge plane filled with 200 plus people. 

    So, its not a dream, per se, but a longing to go home, that I may never be able to see again the green hills and woods I love so much.  PLUS, my best friend since the age of 12 (I am 60) is there, and it hurts to know we may never see each other again...... now I'm crying....thanks Jan image.

    BUT I AM ALIVE and I have my canyon and I am happy.  No point in being sad about something that may or may not happen. 

    Other than that, I just want to love my husband forever, and see my boys get married and be happy. 

    Tru

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,516
    P.S. Jan

    It is NEVER NEVER NEVER a waste of time learning something new. If you learned something today and died tomorrow, it enriched your life for a day. 

    Plant that garden and watch it grow. 

    Slop around on the back of your horse, and laugh at how you look compared to your perfected 'seat'. 

    Make new derams, even if they are one day at a time. 

    I, along with the rest of us here, do not want to see you so discouraged, and hope it will pass quickly. 

    Tru

  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723
    Fishing has always been the pastime

    That keeps me sane. Just being out on the big blue earths my sole and keeps me functioning. I used to regularly jump in my 18 foot boat and head up to 50 kilometers out to sea and return with a feed of top eating fish. Between neuropathy, vertigo and steroid damage from various chemo induced problems i can no longer go out to sea in small boats. I have gradually devolved from my 18foot cruiser to a 12 foot tinny and now to a four meter kayak. I fear the next step may be a camp chair beside a crowded creek. The other thing that gets to me is how much it cost me to survive cancer financially. Sometimes i feel that life is just fading away. I'm fast reaching the point where I can't afford to maintain my survival. It scares me at times to wonder what i will do when I can't afford to live alone ( does not play well with others.) Ron.

  • SandiaBuddy
    SandiaBuddy Member Posts: 1,200
    Trubrit said:

    Home, I long for home

    I am English born and bred. I now live in the Nevada desert, so you can imagine how homesick I am for the lush, green, wood covered England. 

    I went home once, the year of my liver surgery, but it was a hard 24 hour journey, including two flights, one 12 hour flight.  My bowel just isn't predictable enough to want to be tied to one bathroom in a huge plane filled with 200 plus people. 

    So, its not a dream, per se, but a longing to go home, that I may never be able to see again the green hills and woods I love so much.  PLUS, my best friend since the age of 12 (I am 60) is there, and it hurts to know we may never see each other again...... now I'm crying....thanks Jan image.

    BUT I AM ALIVE and I have my canyon and I am happy.  No point in being sad about something that may or may not happen. 

    Other than that, I just want to love my husband forever, and see my boys get married and be happy. 

    Tru

    Ship

    What about making the trip accross the pond on a cruise ship or freighter?

  • SandiaBuddy
    SandiaBuddy Member Posts: 1,200
    Moments/New Normal

    Perhaps focusing on smaller moments could bring more satisfaction?  I am sorry you are having a tough time right now.

    Regrets, I've had a few:

    Not getting another dog (I want to be around for the dog's life, and I have no assurances of that);

    Not being able to live long-term in Asia and to learn the local language fluently (access to health care and insurance);

    No more camping (the joint damage, back pain and age make that too uncomfortable);

    Not having the same strength, flexibility and endurance I once had.

     

    But this is new normal and I have vow to make the best of it.

  • mojogirl67
    mojogirl67 Member Posts: 306
    Moments...

    I have always looked for the good even in the worst of situations. I am a "fixer" by nature and always want to make something bad better. Boy, has that been tested over the last couple of years. I feel like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting hit to the ground but keeps trying to stand back up even if it means hanging on to the rope. I was living on cloud nine with the love of my life in a place that would take your breath away. Life had lined up perfectly and I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. Three months after retiring early and settling into our "dream" spot, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our world fell apart. I watched him waste away before me and there was nothing I could do. Watching him suffer and fight to live ripped me apart. We spent most of the year in and out of hospitals, including the entire month of December. I brought him home in February where he passed a week later. I watched him fight to pull himself up right up until he took his last breath. He was 6'4 and 225 lbs when it started and wasted away to 140lbs when he died. I hated life. I wanted to hit something or somebody. I was so mad at life but there was nobody or nothing to be mad at when I really thought about it. I had already been given so many blessed moments that others never have.  I was ashamed when I thought about the lack of gratitude for the life I had been given. That changed my perspective a lot. Don't get me wrong..I still hate everything about cancer but approaching my life from a place of gratitude truly changed my perspective. I still have moments when I want to "damn it all to hell", but they pass. The property we had was too much for me on my own and I had to sell it. I moved and spent three years remodeling a little cabin and healing my heart and soul. I had a brand new plan and had finally made peace with losing him. Life was once again full of promise and I was ready to set sail again. I had leased an apartment in the middle of a town I loved and was signing up for herbalist school. I woke up from a routine colonoscopy to find I had colon cancer and it was in my liver...same exact diagnosis as my husband. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. My life did a 90 degree turn in a matter of days. What I learned is that life will still keep doing it's thing no matter what we think or do. After my surgery, I chose not to do chemo anymore. I made a decision to truly enjoy the moments I have left, regardless if I have 30 years or just 30 days. Being on chemo robbed me of my spirit and my soul. Feeling like "me" and having clear, good days is immensly important to me even if I risk cutting my time here short. Then again, who knows? I may get hit by a bus tomorrow..lol.. I look for blessings in every moment I am given...the smile from the stranger passing...the door being held for me...they are there if we chose to see them. I hope the low moments pass quickly for you and you feel the warmth of sun and life wrapping around you soon. Your posts and sharing what you have gone thru on this site have been blessings to many when they needed it most. Get on that horse and ride every chance you get.  Huge hug...M

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

    Moments...

    I have always looked for the good even in the worst of situations. I am a "fixer" by nature and always want to make something bad better. Boy, has that been tested over the last couple of years. I feel like a boxer in the ring who keeps getting hit to the ground but keeps trying to stand back up even if it means hanging on to the rope. I was living on cloud nine with the love of my life in a place that would take your breath away. Life had lined up perfectly and I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. Three months after retiring early and settling into our "dream" spot, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our world fell apart. I watched him waste away before me and there was nothing I could do. Watching him suffer and fight to live ripped me apart. We spent most of the year in and out of hospitals, including the entire month of December. I brought him home in February where he passed a week later. I watched him fight to pull himself up right up until he took his last breath. He was 6'4 and 225 lbs when it started and wasted away to 140lbs when he died. I hated life. I wanted to hit something or somebody. I was so mad at life but there was nobody or nothing to be mad at when I really thought about it. I had already been given so many blessed moments that others never have.  I was ashamed when I thought about the lack of gratitude for the life I had been given. That changed my perspective a lot. Don't get me wrong..I still hate everything about cancer but approaching my life from a place of gratitude truly changed my perspective. I still have moments when I want to "damn it all to hell", but they pass. The property we had was too much for me on my own and I had to sell it. I moved and spent three years remodeling a little cabin and healing my heart and soul. I had a brand new plan and had finally made peace with losing him. Life was once again full of promise and I was ready to set sail again. I had leased an apartment in the middle of a town I loved and was signing up for herbalist school. I woke up from a routine colonoscopy to find I had colon cancer and it was in my liver...same exact diagnosis as my husband. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. My life did a 90 degree turn in a matter of days. What I learned is that life will still keep doing it's thing no matter what we think or do. After my surgery, I chose not to do chemo anymore. I made a decision to truly enjoy the moments I have left, regardless if I have 30 years or just 30 days. Being on chemo robbed me of my spirit and my soul. Feeling like "me" and having clear, good days is immensly important to me even if I risk cutting my time here short. Then again, who knows? I may get hit by a bus tomorrow..lol.. I look for blessings in every moment I am given...the smile from the stranger passing...the door being held for me...they are there if we chose to see them. I hope the low moments pass quickly for you and you feel the warmth of sun and life wrapping around you soon. Your posts and sharing what you have gone thru on this site have been blessings to many when they needed it most. Get on that horse and ride every chance you get.  Huge hug...M

    Thank you. It's really

    Thank you. It's really incredible that you both have/had the same cancer. It's crazy. But I love your attitude!

    I forgot to add that in March of 2013 I bought a business. I was the owner of a dog daycare business and spent the year working my butt off improving it and I worked there, of course, I quadrupled the clientelle, and received the Entrepreneur of the Year award that summer. I was SO happy. I owned my own business, I was watching it grow, I got to be with dogs all day, I was living the dream. It was taken away once I received my diagnosis. I tried for a while and then realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a heartbreaking kick in the pants.

    I just hate feeling like I should just be grateful to be alive. I am, of course, but is it so much to want more than just existing? Healthy people don't have to think this way. That stupid saying "well, at least you have your health" always sounded so insipid but now it means something to me. Because I'll never have it again. Some days I resent people who seem healthy and are living life the way they want. I know that's ugly but I can't help it. I want to just be able to do basic things, too. Is it so much to ask that I can have a freaking veggie garden and be able to look after it? 

    Anyway, soory to everyone that's reading this crap that I'm spewing. Most days I can just deal with it and enjoy what little I have and be happy if I'm strong anout to clean the house properly or make dinner without getting short of breath or having to sit down over and over. My world has become so small and I'm angry about it, that's all. I'm sure we all go through this at times.

    I'm going to start taking a book and alawn chair and sitting in my horse's paddock with him and his little buddy, my daughter's young horse that's sweet like a puppy and as eager for attention. No chemo so this year I should be able to sit in the sun, not like the last coupleof years.

    Jan

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    Trubrit said:

    P.S. Jan

    It is NEVER NEVER NEVER a waste of time learning something new. If you learned something today and died tomorrow, it enriched your life for a day. 

    Plant that garden and watch it grow. 

    Slop around on the back of your horse, and laugh at how you look compared to your perfected 'seat'. 

    Make new derams, even if they are one day at a time. 

    I, along with the rest of us here, do not want to see you so discouraged, and hope it will pass quickly. 

    Tru

    You're right. I just

    You're right. I just sometimes feel so useless and like such a waste of oxygen. I wish I could work. It would make me feel so much better to contribute to the household and to feel like a I have purpose. I have a drawing class tomorrow. I used to be very artistic and drew and painted a lot. I have hardly bothered in years and have lost a lot of talent. I can still draw but my paintings are amateurish at best. 

    Jan

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,516
    edited May 2019 #12
    JanJan63 said:

    You're right. I just

    You're right. I just sometimes feel so useless and like such a waste of oxygen. I wish I could work. It would make me feel so much better to contribute to the household and to feel like a I have purpose. I have a drawing class tomorrow. I used to be very artistic and drew and painted a lot. I have hardly bothered in years and have lost a lot of talent. I can still draw but my paintings are amateurish at best. 

    Jan

    Who cares?!!!

    Nothing wrong with amateursih, plus it won't take long for you to relearn those past skills. 

    I am happy to know you are going to your class.  

    Tru

  • mojogirl67
    mojogirl67 Member Posts: 306
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you. It's really

    Thank you. It's really incredible that you both have/had the same cancer. It's crazy. But I love your attitude!

    I forgot to add that in March of 2013 I bought a business. I was the owner of a dog daycare business and spent the year working my butt off improving it and I worked there, of course, I quadrupled the clientelle, and received the Entrepreneur of the Year award that summer. I was SO happy. I owned my own business, I was watching it grow, I got to be with dogs all day, I was living the dream. It was taken away once I received my diagnosis. I tried for a while and then realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a heartbreaking kick in the pants.

    I just hate feeling like I should just be grateful to be alive. I am, of course, but is it so much to want more than just existing? Healthy people don't have to think this way. That stupid saying "well, at least you have your health" always sounded so insipid but now it means something to me. Because I'll never have it again. Some days I resent people who seem healthy and are living life the way they want. I know that's ugly but I can't help it. I want to just be able to do basic things, too. Is it so much to ask that I can have a freaking veggie garden and be able to look after it? 

    Anyway, soory to everyone that's reading this crap that I'm spewing. Most days I can just deal with it and enjoy what little I have and be happy if I'm strong anout to clean the house properly or make dinner without getting short of breath or having to sit down over and over. My world has become so small and I'm angry about it, that's all. I'm sure we all go through this at times.

    I'm going to start taking a book and alawn chair and sitting in my horse's paddock with him and his little buddy, my daughter's young horse that's sweet like a puppy and as eager for attention. No chemo so this year I should be able to sit in the sun, not like the last coupleof years.

    Jan

    Ironic For Sure

    I used to lay beside my husband and pray that God would give me some of the pain and suffering he was carrying..three years later I am diagnosed with the exact same cancer and in the same locations..Trust me, it sure gave me some dood for thought during my darkest days but hope always led me back to truth. I can’t blame my maker or anyone else for the the lottery ticket I got. It was just part of lessons on my journey here..Although I’m feeling like I’m long overdue for some “fun” lessons.. lol.. hugs, M

  • Kazenmax
    Kazenmax Member Posts: 454 **
    Gardening

    yea every year I used to do a garden. 3 years and I have not done one. This year I finally retired and I’m determined to do yard work. I started last week. I have to do a little with many stops and rests but I’m doing it. I used to be busy every day. Now I spend lots of time resting, reading, or just zoning out.

    new normal. But I’m determining to make the best of it. This is all I’m going to get. I have to take satisfaction in smaller goals but they are still goals.

    recognize that this is a bad day. Tomorrow may be worse or better. It’s all in how you look at it. I hope it’s better fo you.

    k

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    Kazenmax said:

    Gardening

    yea every year I used to do a garden. 3 years and I have not done one. This year I finally retired and I’m determined to do yard work. I started last week. I have to do a little with many stops and rests but I’m doing it. I used to be busy every day. Now I spend lots of time resting, reading, or just zoning out.

    new normal. But I’m determining to make the best of it. This is all I’m going to get. I have to take satisfaction in smaller goals but they are still goals.

    recognize that this is a bad day. Tomorrow may be worse or better. It’s all in how you look at it. I hope it’s better fo you.

    k

    Thank you. That's the hard

    Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

    But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

    Jan 

  • Kazenmax
    Kazenmax Member Posts: 454 **
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you. That's the hard

    Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

    But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

    Jan 

    I understand. Today is a good

    I understand. Today is a good day for me. I weeded one small area. i dug up grass. Got out of breath. Hurt all over. Did it for about 1 hour and got about 2 feet done. Lol. I’ve been sitting in my chair for the past 3 hours. Lol

    my neighbor is about 75 and he roams his yard every morning. He does a little here and there and stops at noon. I may get on the same schedule. Lol. Going to sit in the air conditioner and read my book. Life is good.

    k

  • Butt
    Butt Member Posts: 352

    It took away my dreams and hopes. It took away my everyday normal life. It took away my looks.  Opportunities to travel freely to my native Europe and spend time with the family. Butt. 

  • myAZmountain
    myAZmountain Member Posts: 417
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you. That's the hard

    Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

    But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

    Jan 

    Gardening!

    Always had tons of flowers and garden--ironically it wasn't cancer that took it away but moving to the desert! Plants here are painful to handle lol! I have been styaing with my daughters for the last month in Maryland and helped them put in flowers--it has been delightful. Jan Jan, I htink we are married to the same person--my hubs always puts in 50 screws where 3 would suffice lol. Everything is hurricane proof. To hang pictures he gets out a calculator and slide rule!!

  • Watersprite3
    Watersprite3 Member Posts: 31
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you. That's the hard

    Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

    But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

    Jan 

    Gardening

    The spring I was undergoing chemo, I decided I would not have the energy to do my usual garden.  What I did was grow a few plants in containers - I had a tomato plant, a few green beans and some salad greens.  It didn't require a lot of work but I was able to have some fresh veggies that I grew myself.  

    I also poked a few flower seeds into corners of my yard.   They didn't all germinate but enough did that I was able to sit outside in my yard and enjoy them.  I really felt awful that June and July so I am sure a conventional garden wouldn't have worked.  

    Eileen

  • airborne72
    airborne72 Member Posts: 281
    The psychological aspect of cancer...

    I don't believe that any of us could honestly say that cancer, of any type, has not changed our lives.  My first encounter with cancer was in 2009 when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  No need for chemo or radiation; a radical prostectomy cut it out along with some of my physical abilities that previously enhanced the quality of my married life.  For the successive six months I had repetitive complications and reparative surgeries. Oh well, at least I survived, even though I lost my "squeeker."

    Soon after that I was diagnosed with basal cell and squamous cell skin cancer on my face and scalp.  Those lesions have returned on a regular basis and I have them cut, frozen and burned off every six months.  I asked what we could do to remedy the situation and the answer was nothing.  What I did when I was younger is now affecting my present state of health.

    In 2017, five months after I retired I was diagnosed with rectal cancer.  That cancer encounter was totally different than what I had previously experienced.  It was not a sprint, but rather a marathon.  Diagnosis, treatment and recovery was a long term event.  I am still in that race.  This cancer has caused me to change my life's activities more than my other cancers and it has affected me psychologically more than my other cancers.

    Physically, this one knocked me to my knees.  The neo adjuvant chemo/radiation and the resection surgery and the temporary ilesostomy and the adjuvant chemo and then the reversal surgery took their toll.  Initially, I could no longer work part time; now I can.  Initially, I could not honor my committment to keep my newborn granddaughter as soon as I said I would; now I do so even though both of us experience BM issues simultaneously (all you can do is laugh).  I can no longer cut both the front yard and the back yard at the same time without a break.  I can no longer work in my garden longer than an hour or so without taking a break, but I am adjusting.  I can/should no longer jump in my truck and head to town without first considering the "state" of my bowels.

    All of this is a detriment and nuisance physically, but it is also a psychological drain on my life.  Daily, I must remain positive and fend off those feelings of despair.  Earlier this winter I read an excerpt from an interview with the aging Clint Eastwood.  The question presented to him was what he did to remain physically and mentally active in his mid 80's.  His response - I get up and go outside every day.  That's what I try to do, and it helps.

    Cancer sucks.  Cancer survival can also suck.

    Jim

  • Sestra17
    Sestra17 Member Posts: 62
    Garden

    Hi Jan! I have been following you for a while and you amaze me. What you have been through mkes my experience like a tiny raindrop. But we are alike in our love of horses, dogs, and gardens. I too moarn the loss of my picture perfect equitation seat. But just being with the horse, grooming, tacking up, and riding makes me forget for a bit all my anxiety and pain. Because as you know, being around horses requires you to focus on the horse and the environment around you. And I have a garden, my husband got me raised planters so it's easier to take care of. Keep on swimming girl!

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,704
    Life

    Wow I've often wondered about this and although I'm 10 years out cancer has turned my life upside down ever since.  I'm not able to eat at a restaurant, go to family functions unless it's close to home and early enough in the day, my daughter (husband in the Army) is stationed in HI and can't visit her because i'm not able to fly in a plane because of bathroom issues (I've not seen my grandkids in 2 years).  I'm just thankful everyday that i'm still here, burdens and all, to be here with my husband, children and grandchildren and take the time I'm able to, when I'm able to, and make the best of it.  I'm glad you can at least experience riding your horse even if it's not the exact way you pictured it.  I'm sure your horse just loves it when you come near and share some quiet time with him/her?  Don't feel like you have let others down, you and everyone else that has medical issues is worth it.  We can't help it and just have to feel lucky we have people that love us so much.  You are worth it.

    Kim

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    Sestra17 said:

    Garden

    Hi Jan! I have been following you for a while and you amaze me. What you have been through mkes my experience like a tiny raindrop. But we are alike in our love of horses, dogs, and gardens. I too moarn the loss of my picture perfect equitation seat. But just being with the horse, grooming, tacking up, and riding makes me forget for a bit all my anxiety and pain. Because as you know, being around horses requires you to focus on the horse and the environment around you. And I have a garden, my husband got me raised planters so it's easier to take care of. Keep on swimming girl!

    Aw, thank you! I'm looking at

    Aw, thank you! I'm looking at your picture. Is that a blue roan? Maybe an appy? Nice!  Do you ride english or western? I ride western so I can't put my own saddle on anymore so that's kind of pathetic. I'd never ride alone at this point in case something happened anyway but I hate having to be dependant on my daughter to put it on him.  Prince has Cushing's so I'm out there most dayd at least for a few minutes. I've had him for almost twenty years and he's part of the family. We've had a couple of acreages and it was heaven to have him right outisde. You get to see the silliness of them and really see their personality. I miss it so much. My plan this summer since so far I haven't been sick is to take a book and go out there with a lawn chair and just hang with him. He's in with my daughter's two year old who is a puppy dog.

    She got him as a yearling for a crazy low price because he was supposedly injured. The breeder had taken him back and agreed to resell him because the guy that had him couldn't keep him. It turned out he wasn't injured, he had deformed pastern joints. The vet said to put him down but my daughter refused and did some investigating and discovered that they can do alcohol injections and fuse the joints. It take about a year. The vets hadn't done it on such a young horse before, it's usually for arthritis in an older horse, but agreed to try it with no guarantees. Well, it's working. He look like he has windpuffs in his back feet but the vet said it wouldn't be pretty and who cares. He's a doll and we just love him. It's another instance where the experts don't necessarily know everything, a lot like in the cancer world.

    My husband says he's going to build me a raised planter soon. I'm not holding my breath but maybe! Yay! There's just something about seeing something growing that is so good for the soul.

    Jan

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

    Life

    Wow I've often wondered about this and although I'm 10 years out cancer has turned my life upside down ever since.  I'm not able to eat at a restaurant, go to family functions unless it's close to home and early enough in the day, my daughter (husband in the Army) is stationed in HI and can't visit her because i'm not able to fly in a plane because of bathroom issues (I've not seen my grandkids in 2 years).  I'm just thankful everyday that i'm still here, burdens and all, to be here with my husband, children and grandchildren and take the time I'm able to, when I'm able to, and make the best of it.  I'm glad you can at least experience riding your horse even if it's not the exact way you pictured it.  I'm sure your horse just loves it when you come near and share some quiet time with him/her?  Don't feel like you have let others down, you and everyone else that has medical issues is worth it.  We can't help it and just have to feel lucky we have people that love us so much.  You are worth it.

    Kim

    This is because of the

    This is because of the reversal of your ostomy, right? Wow, at least I can get out and about and eat at restaurants. I'm sorry for your situation Kim, that really sucks. I'll tell you a funny story about being on a plane and having 'issues'. It's a bit gross but anyway... About a year before my diagnosis my friend took me to Paris. She gets crazy low hotel prices and flights, long story. Anyway, on the flight home my stomach started churning. I had terrible IBS before I got the ostomy. I went to the bathroom on the plane and unloadeda  huge pile of diarrhea, like a huge pile of pudding. I went to flush and it wouldn't go down, it didn't budge at all. I tried using some of the water from the sink but nope, it just sat there. I tried using some toilet paper to get it to go down. nOthing. It sat there like Jabba the Hut, mocking me. Finally, I opened the door and asked someone from the long line that was waiting to get the flight attendant becase there was an issue in the bathroom. Nobody came. So, much to my humiliation, I left it there and went back to me seat. It was mortifying. I have no idea what happend after that. The bathroom was behind me and I wasn't about to look. 

    I had a drawing class yesterday at the place in the city that does free classes in all kinds of things for people with cancer. I used to be fairly artistic but haven't done much in forever. It was fun and I rediscovered my love for drawing. It was a really good day amd one of the other participants was a woman who had colon cancer but has been clear for 8 years. Nice! 

    I think you should just go and deal with it the best you can and go see those grandkids! Hugs!

    Jan

  • Sestra17
    Sestra17 Member Posts: 62
    JanJan63 said:

    Aw, thank you! I'm looking at

    Aw, thank you! I'm looking at your picture. Is that a blue roan? Maybe an appy? Nice!  Do you ride english or western? I ride western so I can't put my own saddle on anymore so that's kind of pathetic. I'd never ride alone at this point in case something happened anyway but I hate having to be dependant on my daughter to put it on him.  Prince has Cushing's so I'm out there most dayd at least for a few minutes. I've had him for almost twenty years and he's part of the family. We've had a couple of acreages and it was heaven to have him right outisde. You get to see the silliness of them and really see their personality. I miss it so much. My plan this summer since so far I haven't been sick is to take a book and go out there with a lawn chair and just hang with him. He's in with my daughter's two year old who is a puppy dog.

    She got him as a yearling for a crazy low price because he was supposedly injured. The breeder had taken him back and agreed to resell him because the guy that had him couldn't keep him. It turned out he wasn't injured, he had deformed pastern joints. The vet said to put him down but my daughter refused and did some investigating and discovered that they can do alcohol injections and fuse the joints. It take about a year. The vets hadn't done it on such a young horse before, it's usually for arthritis in an older horse, but agreed to try it with no guarantees. Well, it's working. He look like he has windpuffs in his back feet but the vet said it wouldn't be pretty and who cares. He's a doll and we just love him. It's another instance where the experts don't necessarily know everything, a lot like in the cancer world.

    My husband says he's going to build me a raised planter soon. I'm not holding my breath but maybe! Yay! There's just something about seeing something growing that is so good for the soul.

    Jan

    Garden

    Ha, good eye. Yes she's an Appy. Also had Cushings like Prince. She was on pergolide, and that helped get her to 36 years. My sweet Isobel. I ride English and used to jump. Dont't know if you have them up where you live, but a home and garden store called Menards has ready to assemble raised planters about $99. Took me and the Hubby about an hour to put together and they are sturdy and portable. Just a thoughtSmile

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478
    Sestra17 said:

    Garden

    Ha, good eye. Yes she's an Appy. Also had Cushings like Prince. She was on pergolide, and that helped get her to 36 years. My sweet Isobel. I ride English and used to jump. Dont't know if you have them up where you live, but a home and garden store called Menards has ready to assemble raised planters about $99. Took me and the Hubby about an hour to put together and they are sturdy and portable. Just a thoughtSmile

    Thank you! We don't have that

    Thank you! We don't have that store here, unfortunately. My husband has all the tools to make one, he does woodworking, he's just a lazy bugger sometimes. So your mare has passed? I'm so sorry. I had a Peppy San gelding live to be 33 and was put down due to congestive heart failure but I was still showing him up until then. He looked amazing. He was actually featured in aan article on why people saying skinny old horses are just like that because they're old. He was still full of beans. He took a big piece of my heart with him. I have his braided tail above me right now while I'm sitting on the computer.

    Do you have another horse now? I can't imagine my life without Prince. 

    Jan 

  • Djspareme
    Djspareme Member Posts: 22
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you. That's the hard

    Thank you. That's the hard part, the initial set up. We don't have a veggie garden at all so digging up grass and putting in boards for the perimeter and all that is going to be a huge job that I won't be able to do no matter how many breaks I take. My husband will have to do it and he'll turn it into such a huge, expensive project that it won't happen at all. That's what usually happens with anything he does. When I was well I'd just do it myself but now that's not an option. And there's not the money to hire someone.

    But you're right, it's just a bad day or a bad week or something. I guess misery loves company and I just wanted to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

    Jan 

    It's on to ride the pity pony

    It's on to ride the pity pony.  Once around the corral.  Then hop off and start something.  Anything. Take your mind off of what you can't do.  Focus on what you CAN

  • Sestra17
    Sestra17 Member Posts: 62
    JanJan63 said:

    Thank you! We don't have that

    Thank you! We don't have that store here, unfortunately. My husband has all the tools to make one, he does woodworking, he's just a lazy bugger sometimes. So your mare has passed? I'm so sorry. I had a Peppy San gelding live to be 33 and was put down due to congestive heart failure but I was still showing him up until then. He looked amazing. He was actually featured in aan article on why people saying skinny old horses are just like that because they're old. He was still full of beans. He took a big piece of my heart with him. I have his braided tail above me right now while I'm sitting on the computer.

    Do you have another horse now? I can't imagine my life without Prince. 

    Jan 

    Hmm, think if I were you I'd

    Hmm, think if I were you I'd drag my hubbys' tools out to the yard and start mucking around with them. Men are so weird about their tools, bet it would lite a fire under him LOL, JK. Yes my Izzy passed, also my Appendix Gelding Orion from cancer. Don't currently have a horse but am taking lessons at a very supportive eventing and dressage farm. Seriously the only time I can forget about my woes. I know saddles are a very individual thing, but maybe you could find a synthetic one that's not so heavy. I did that after a spinal fracture and it really helped me feel more independent.

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,704
    edited May 2019 #29
    JanJan63 said:

    This is because of the

    This is because of the reversal of your ostomy, right? Wow, at least I can get out and about and eat at restaurants. I'm sorry for your situation Kim, that really sucks. I'll tell you a funny story about being on a plane and having 'issues'. It's a bit gross but anyway... About a year before my diagnosis my friend took me to Paris. She gets crazy low hotel prices and flights, long story. Anyway, on the flight home my stomach started churning. I had terrible IBS before I got the ostomy. I went to the bathroom on the plane and unloadeda  huge pile of diarrhea, like a huge pile of pudding. I went to flush and it wouldn't go down, it didn't budge at all. I tried using some of the water from the sink but nope, it just sat there. I tried using some toilet paper to get it to go down. nOthing. It sat there like Jabba the Hut, mocking me. Finally, I opened the door and asked someone from the long line that was waiting to get the flight attendant becase there was an issue in the bathroom. Nobody came. So, much to my humiliation, I left it there and went back to me seat. It was mortifying. I have no idea what happend after that. The bathroom was behind me and I wasn't about to look. 

    I had a drawing class yesterday at the place in the city that does free classes in all kinds of things for people with cancer. I used to be fairly artistic but haven't done much in forever. It was fun and I rediscovered my love for drawing. It was a really good day amd one of the other participants was a woman who had colon cancer but has been clear for 8 years. Nice! 

    I think you should just go and deal with it the best you can and go see those grandkids! Hugs!

    Jan

    Oh my goodness

    I'm smiling but not because of your humiliation but because I'd be thinking the same thing as you.  You did try to get help but to no avail.  Ugg doesn't it always seem that way.  It is a 14 hour flight for me and I'd never be able to deal with any issues as my system lets loose in the morning, afternoon and evening whenever it wants and if I'm not able to have my own bathroom it would come out on it's own, sometimes without warning.  Believe me Depends don't work for fecal incontinence, but I'll get her home with those kids this year one way or another.  They miss Grandma and Grandpa terribly, so does our daughter.

    I'm so glad you had a good time at the class yesterday and you got to be around people that have been dealing with issues just like you.  Makes it so much easier if you are not feeling "just right" to go there and be yourself.

    You deserve all the enjoyment you can get so you go for the gusto girl.  Take it all in and just love every moment.  I'm happy too even with restrictions.  I'll dress up everyday in a dress or slacks because "if I'm looking good, I'm feeling good." 

    Hugs!  Kim

  • beaumontdave
    beaumontdave Member Posts: 1,173
    I think it's refreshingly

    I think it's refreshingly honest to discuss what life would have been without the cancer, for surely all who get it have pondered that question in a down moment. I can know the price of what I lost and still enjoy the things I can have. Retirement for Cindy and I was to have family rent the house [it was built with a "granny flat" that we'd live in], then we'd bounce around, travel, first in the motorhome, later the cruises and overseas trips, coming home when we wanted, doing as we pleased. Cancer took the savings, took her health for greater periods of time, took the social activities/circle we moved in, took my desire to bond with most folks in anything more than a casual way, took a decade of expanding business opportunities, and finally took the best thing to ever happen to me. The one thing it left me with was an enhanced ability to get more out of the littlest things in life, as that was what was left. And so I do, along with planning to do a more limited version of those old dreams, assuming nothing else ambushes my health or circumstance. What I will try not to do is presume beyond the very near future, as having expectations torn away is painful and depressing. Talking about it all is fine, feeling ripped off is certainly normal, dwelling on it would be unhealthy, but I expect we all know that....................................Dave

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478

    Oh my goodness

    I'm smiling but not because of your humiliation but because I'd be thinking the same thing as you.  You did try to get help but to no avail.  Ugg doesn't it always seem that way.  It is a 14 hour flight for me and I'd never be able to deal with any issues as my system lets loose in the morning, afternoon and evening whenever it wants and if I'm not able to have my own bathroom it would come out on it's own, sometimes without warning.  Believe me Depends don't work for fecal incontinence, but I'll get her home with those kids this year one way or another.  They miss Grandma and Grandpa terribly, so does our daughter.

    I'm so glad you had a good time at the class yesterday and you got to be around people that have been dealing with issues just like you.  Makes it so much easier if you are not feeling "just right" to go there and be yourself.

    You deserve all the enjoyment you can get so you go for the gusto girl.  Take it all in and just love every moment.  I'm happy too even with restrictions.  I'll dress up everyday in a dress or slacks because "if I'm looking good, I'm feeling good." 

    Hugs!  Kim

    Thanks Kim! And, yeah, a 14

    Thanks Kim! And, yeah, a 14 hour flight is really long!! I've never been there and if I could go it would be from where the airport closest to us, to Vancouver and then acroos to Hawaii. I think just from Vancouver- on the coast- is still something like 8 hours. Long. I'd be exhausted just by that! 

    I'm sorry you have to deak with that. It must be very stressful. I had to warn the peoplein the class that my bag might be noisy because for somereason it makes a lot of noise lately. Gas noises. It never has before. My daughter and I were in  museum recently and it was very quiet and serious. It was a mummy exhibit. They warned us about being respectful before we went in. So everyone is in a group because we'd just left the talk beforehand and it's totally quiet and my bag starts making very clear passing wind sounds. I was so embarassed! My daughter is trying to tell me that nobody can hear it but I can hear it so I know they can. It finally stopped after about 10 minutes but it's so clear with the plastic of the pouch. Ugh!

    I wish I could say that I dress every day but I don't. Good for you for doing that! I walk around in my comfy clothes with my hair up in a ponytail or a messy bun. I often don't wear make up and used to not go out the door without it. My pants look terrible because they were already comfy pants and then I lost over 40 pounds and went down a few sizes and now my daughter says all of my pants are MC Hammer pants. I don't care.

    Jan