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Curious what the board thinks

worriedson714's picture
worriedson714
Posts: 250
Joined: Dec 2019

                   So my dad has microscopic amounts of cancer left on his sacrum after his 2nd cancer surgery . We will be going into more treatment for it radiation and chemo after a pet scan . So my dad is clearly having anixety about the whole thing . Today my step mom brings up that we need to find a affortable place to live so when my dad dies she can afford it . So my question is that something that's is appropriate to say at this time ? I am not pefect I get angry and frustrated . But I always encourage my dad and tell him he can do this and that he can beat it and live for many years . So what my step mom said is just so frustrating to me and makes me and my dad angry . So my question is that something that's okay to say if front of a cancer patient ? Just curious what people think about this 

 

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 1172
Joined: Apr 2017

Obviously, you are sensitive about this issue, and perhaps rightly so.  Everyone deals with issues of death and mortality differently.  When I was first diagnosed, I did a lot of research about things that could help me.  One thing I looked at was "attitude."  My conclusion was that attitude has no influence on survival (although many will disagree with me), which is fine by me, as my attitude is sometimes not so good.  But as to mortality, I acknowledge mine and meditate on it every day.  So if you ask me whether affordable housing after my death is a reasonable topic, I would say, "yes."  Everyone will die, but religion and Western society insist on a denial of this reality.  But as for me, I face it and embrace it.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

It's unfortunate that you, your dad and stepmom need to discuss this situation, but it is something that needs to be addressed.  It's best that this decision be made when there is time to discuss it, rather than in haste or out of panic because of lack of finances.  When one receives a cancer diagnosis, many thoughts rush through patients/caregivers head.  The better the plan for the future, the easier it is on the whole family.  Don't always assume that she/dad are giving up, it's just something that needs to be thought out.

Kim

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5417
Joined: Jan 2013

For most people, this is a sensitive subject at the best of times; and for your Step-mum & dad it is not even the 'best of times'. 

While it is a subject that every loving couple should discuss, I do see your point about it not being the 'right' time, while you dad is obviously struggling with his own mortality. 

But I am going to throw in a different angle here.  This is also a terrifying time for your step-mother.  The death of someone you love, and the uncertainitly of how the future without them will pan out, causes great stress.  I would bet that she is hiding allot of her anxiety from both you and your dad. 

While your dad is obviously the patient, and his situation serious, your step-mum's situation also needs to be approached with compassion and understanding. Her fears of life on her own, far extend that of where and how she is going to live, but how will she cope without her beloved by her side. 

At the end of the day I don't think there is a good or bad time.  The fact that your dad has Cancer, makes it a bad time, but regardless, it is something that your mum feels the need to talk about, while being sensitive to your dad's condition and feelings. 

I wish your family the best.  I wish you the best. Be sure and put yourself in your stepmum's shoes and you will see a little clearer, what emotions and decisions she feels the need to express. 

Tru

Real Tar Heel
Posts: 200
Joined: Nov 2019

It's not wrong to discuss financial issues wrt passing on. Probably better if your father brings it up on his own but he may not be in the head space, only thinking about pushing through, which is fine. I don't know the kind of relationship you have with your stepmother but you might be able to lay out your concerns about the subject in private with her. "I understand this is important and we do have to consider such things but maybe we talk about them at a different time."

feckcancer
Posts: 142
Joined: Jun 2018

I don't really think it was appropriate to say what your stepmother said especially as he is continuing with treatment and sounds like he hopes to/has a chance to beat the cancer.

if there was no hope and he was receiving pallitive care it would be different and i could understand her bringing this up but why bring this up when it is not relevent at the moment and it could kill his fighting spirit. 

he needs support and love and people on his side not planing how to afford their life and only thinking about themselves in front of him as if it's all over for him.

does she want him to give up? way to do it if she does!

i would be angry too. 

worriedson714's picture
worriedson714
Posts: 250
Joined: Dec 2019

Well he is receiving pallitive care but thats just for pain management for the neuropathy and his pain from NF which is another diease he has where tumors grow on nerves . But he just had the radiation onc tell him if this was football he would be on twenty yard line and the endzone is wide open . He only has microscopic cancer left on his sacrum so yeah I am angry about it to . 

Thank you to all for your replies it's good to get all sides of things and this board does that

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1130
Joined: Aug 2013

Talking about ''when he dies'' would jolt me, coming from one who is supposed to be a main support in this fight. No one dared talk like that around Cindy, while we were battling her brain tumor and my CRC. No doctor was going to give a numbered prognosis, and they were talking to me directly about treatment and effect. Cindy looked to me for strength, as I did her, and she didn't ever need to hear about dying, not ever. We knew and we/I did the things we/I had to, the financial/legal stuff, the arrangements. Choosing services, flowers, and plans, with her lying in a hospice bed in our livingroom  was the saddest thing I've ever done, it hurt worse than her actual passing. [By then, I wanted her free]. The point is, I'm sure she knew when things got close, what the realities were, but untill then, I wasn't going to make her face any negativity or worry more than she already did. She was a passionate being, not one who could detach herself to discuss a world without her, so we didn't. I bounced between being one who could look at it cooly, and one, at times who couldn't. It depends on the individual, but even given that, the wife could certainly couch it all in more thoughtful terms like economic downsizing as we get older, or some such verbage..................................................Dave

darcher's picture
darcher
Posts: 298
Joined: Jun 2017

 Wow, that is a strange approach. But, different people handle things in different ways. As long as she's not actively helping it along then it's something to discuss with her that the thought of that should be left for later. 

abita's picture
abita
Posts: 1010
Joined: Dec 2017

YIKES! That is so not cool. I am VERY positive, and feel like I am going to win this fight, and I still do have a plan for my loved ones if I don't. BUT, I think very inappropriate, almost cruel thing for her to say. Now, full disclosure, my loved ones are fur babies, but still, very important to me. Maybe suggest to her she join a caregiver support group through the his treatment center so she learns better ways to speak to him.

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