CSN Login
Members Online: 6

You are here

Distance

KBurgos's picture
KBurgos
Posts: 18
Joined: Sep 2020

How do you guys deal with when the person you love most in this world is sick and they start to pull away in different ways and start putting you at a distance?

hopeful and opt...
Posts: 2273
Joined: Apr 2009

The hormone treatments affect your man. Hopefully this will be temporary. I'm sure that he knows that you love him. 

KBurgos's picture
KBurgos
Posts: 18
Joined: Sep 2020

Thank you . I really appreciate it.

Josephg
Posts: 231
Joined: Jan 2013

There are very real psychological issues associated with a diagnosis of Cancer, and PCa is no different.  We need to fully process our diagnosis and the impact upon our lives, mentally and emotionally, and this can take time, sometimes, a very long time.  This was my case, and my wife stood by, and continues to stand by, with me, supporting me when I need support, yet giving me 'space', as and when needed.  There are good days, and not so good days, but we are partners for life.  PCa impacts not only the diagnosed man, but everyone else who interacts with the man, as well.

I posted some comments related to my hormone therapy, and its impact on my daily life and thought processes, which I received concurrent with radiation therapy, and they may be helkpful to you in understanding what your man is going through.  https://csn.cancer.org/comment/1414101#comment-1414101

I know that my demeanor changes every 4 months, in the days that lead up to my PSA tests and visits with my Oncologist.  I need 'space' during those times, and my wife gives it to me.  That is the best advice that I can give to you, during your shared PCa journey.

KBurgos's picture
KBurgos
Posts: 18
Joined: Sep 2020

Believe me I understand. Thank you so much for the advice. I've been through cancer myself and I know it's a process. No worries, we have talked some of it out, as much as he's willing, and have come to some agreements and protocols for the Dr.'s office and for home. I am giving him his space and letting him come to me when he feels comfortable. I am with him or around almost 24/7, so I am always available. I was venting because I dont really have friends I can really talk to about this because of distance and general life. I really do appreciate your input.

hewhositsoncushions
Posts: 367
Joined: Mar 2017

Hi

Hope this info helps as well.

Your husband will be going through a grieving journey. The changes and losses that have occurred / will occur all need to be processes. He will likely bounce around various emotions like anger, denial, depression and what not until he starts to accept where he is. That can be a long journey but with your help he should be able to move towards it. Be patient.

He is probably also upset by how this will impact his relationship with you due to the physical and emotional impact of his condition and treatments he has had / will have. He may be doing what is known as "push / pull" whereby he draws close as he feels better and then withdraws if he feels unsettled. Whyy specifically this happens does not really matter as it varies person to person and situation to situation. What is important is that you be patient with him and try and keep a connection. Communication is important. You also need to remember your needs and boundaries too and gently remind him of what he is doing if he starts crossing any lines.

Counselling will help. There may he help lines he can call. Also talk to your doctors to see what emotional support resources they can offer.

Good luck.

H

KBurgos's picture
KBurgos
Posts: 18
Joined: Sep 2020

H,

Thank you for the advice. I see what you mean about the push/pull. The push only seems to be happening with me. When he's around others he's more tolerant, generally nicer. I understand some of what he's going through. I have dealt with cancer myself. We have had many discussions when it comes to boundaries, this weekend was the best weekend we have had in weeks. But then he woke up this morning and it seems to be creeping up again. I just take it one breath at a time.

Thank you for your advice

K

hewhositsoncushions
Posts: 367
Joined: Mar 2017

Yea. I get that. You see, with you, he can be himself which can be less hard work even if stressful. With others he has to put up a front. That can also be an escape as well.

It is arse backwards but our subconscious does wierd things.

The main thing make it clear he has the support but keep your own boundaries to avoid getting hurt. Some couples counselling may help - not for marriage issues but specifically around dealing with cancer. Opening up in such a session may be helpful.

KBurgos's picture
KBurgos
Posts: 18
Joined: Sep 2020

I understand what you're saying. The past few days it's gone back and forth. Yesterday he and I went to a doctor's appintment because he said he wanted to see a doctor, and decided not to. It wasn't a complete waste of time, I got to go somewhere different for a change and we watched over each other. Today on the other hand all of a sudden he decided to see a doctor ( that was the whole point of me coming along yesterday because he said that he wanted my support), and then instead puts me on speaker phone which made me feel like it completely underminded everything that we had planned and discussed and put into play, but I held my tongue, I listened and took suggestions and they made a few medical changes         ( again the whole point of me having been there the previous day but nothing got done). I'm happy for him that things will get better for him in that department, but at the same time it's like what am I even here for? I'm giviing him his space to figure things out, but still here for him..when he wants me to be. In terms of the counseling, we don't have that many resources ( affordability, transportation or the avaialable scheduling because of when his treatments are scheduled), so I'm just dealing with it on my own. I really do appreciate the attentive ear though.

K

hewhositsoncushions
Posts: 367
Joined: Mar 2017

How re things going?

Subscribe to Comments for "Distance"