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Loss of Innocence

Posts: 12
Joined: Dec 2019

Does anyone else feel that their BC diagnosis was the end of their innocence?  Oh how I long for the days of waking up, looking forward to the day and enjoying my life.  Now the thoughts of recurrence greet me every morning.  Looking for some hints of how to put this all in perspective.   I am doing well and my prognosis is good, but I am struggling with letting go of the emotional trauma.   I eat a plant based diet, journal, meditate, do yoga and walk 5 miles a day.  The knowledge of knowing that nothing I do may prevent a recurrence is frustrating.  My first post treatment scan is coming next month.  Wishing you all peace and a long and healthy life.

bonbondidit's picture
Posts: 117
Joined: Jul 2014

Hi :)

I felt the exact same thing. But then something happened. As my friends and family started to make me a reflection pond my sons friend joined and was so helpful. He was totally involved and later that week when the pond was complete he lost his life the next morning in a car accident. Thankfully he was asleep and knew nothing. He was 12.  I realized through his ordeal that I was blessed SO blessed to be in the here and now. When you survive it is AS important to survive well. To embrace what we have when we have it. 

We celebrated his life as he would have wanted it and cooked all his favorite foods as he told me he would want it ( we discussed this at the pond the day before he gained wings. Funny how a 12 year old got me out of my funk.

Hope this helps :)

Ibjustfine's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2020

Catlady2 and BonBondidit, where have you guys been since my hell ride started last year??!!♡♡♡  Oh, thank you thank you.  I saw the tag line "loss of innocence" and hoped it was about what it was indeed about.  And Bon, your comment was perfect too.  To answer Catlady2 or anyone else asking, yes, I have felt precisely a loss of innocence since last year even though i am 53 and have had some pretty awful things happen to me.  I am almost a year out and still have that feeling.  It is very unsettling.  It comes out in weird ways...for instance, when it was really bad, I thought for sure my 2 kids, 21 and 24, were going to die a terrible death soon.  I was never a worrier about life or death.  Even still, I think my worry about a possible recurrence is misplaced anxiety that I had to shove away to survive at first.  Also, I do believe in things like this "lifting" with time because of a reason as in Bondidit's case or no reason at all which has been the case for me and my sister with other traumas.  One thing that has helped me is anything I have written down during this time, I end up reading it back and it slowly takes something off the pain like your title♡♡♡  I just had just written my 2 principals (I am a teacher home and virtually teaching 22 scared little 3ed graders) about how they need to check on other teachers because I had just read about something called "anticipatory grief" and how i finally realized that that was what i was going through when i went back to work a bit too soon (it a trauma, like a major illness, that creates a loss of innocence so then we KEEP anticipating this kind of thing happening again and again).  I told my bosses that I was fine now (a lie) but how fortunate I felt to be so "innocent" for half of my life (not a lie).  So when I read that line last week to myself, it just brought me so much comfort and joy.  So, I am going to start journaling again.  But my advice to all of you?  First of all, keep sharing because you brought another victim comfort but secondly, stop swimming up current.  Catlady2, I feel like maybe because of other websites you have been in (where they try to one up each other?)you felt like we might judge you so you had to tell us all the great things you are doing with your body....that's what i mean about swimming against the current.  You can't win and it's exhausting "being overly zealous" about your health.  Been there done that.  XO, "Be Still"

Posts: 12
Joined: Dec 2019

Thank you for your reply. I wish you well in your journey. The reason I posted what I was doing was in hopes that there was something else I could do to deal with the emotional trauma.  My goal is to find a way to calm my soul and as BonBondidit aluded to-"To embrace what we have when we have it". All of the things I have tried are helping but I still a haunted by fear of the unkown.  My one year scan was postponed due to the Covid-19 crisis and I am struggling everyday with not knowing where I stand.  

Posts: 14
Joined: Aug 2020

I do not just feel I lost my innocence, but have lost my life in a way. I am on my 2nd and 3rd round of cancer and with each one I start planning my funeral and try to figure out  what my life was about. I have even made out advance directives this round. The main thing I hate to think about is leaving my husband. 

I wish I could figure out why I am here. I try to do the best I can with life, and try to look on a bright side.


Sheila Mc
Posts: 21
Joined: Sep 2020

I think we all feel the way you do at one time or the other. I have been fighting Cancer since I was in my twenties, starting with a pre-cancerous Pap, Skin Cancer in 1994, BC in 1999 and a Kidney Tumor three years ago and now. I will undergo a Nephrectomy sometime this Fall, don't know the date yet.

After my surgery for BC I was feeling the same way you do. I was wondering why things happen and if I would survive, would it return, etc. A year later I received an invitation to a Relay for Life event, met a wonderful lady and became a volunteer for the Cancer Society. Volunteer work plus a small dosage of an antidepressant changed my outlook and gave me the strength to carry on. 
The Cancer Society has a program that connects BC patients with survivors, please take advantage of this and speak to someone that has been where you are. And please, talk to your doctor about your depression. I am also available if you want to chat. 

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