Loss of Innocence

Catlady2 and BonBondidit, where have you guys been since my hell ride started last year??!!♡♡♡  Oh, thank you thank you.  I saw the tag line "loss of innocence" and hoped it was about what it was indeed about.  And Bon, your comment was perfect too.  To answer Catlady2 or anyone else asking, yes, I have felt precisely a loss of innocence since last year even though i am 53 and have had some pretty awful things happen to me.  I am almost a year out and still have that feeling.  It is very unsettling.  It comes out in weird ways...for instance, when it was really bad, I thought for sure my 2 kids, 21 and 24, were going to die a terrible death soon.  I was never a worrier about life or death.  Even still, I think my worry about a possible recurrence is misplaced anxiety that I had to shove away to survive at first.  Also, I do believe in things like this "lifting" with time because of a reason as in Bondidit's case or no reason at all which has been the case for me and my sister with other traumas.  One thing that has helped me is anything I have written down during this time, I end up reading it back and it slowly takes something off the pain like your title♡♡♡  I just had just written my 2 principals (I am a teacher home and virtually teaching 22 scared little 3ed graders) about how they need to check on other teachers because I had just read about something called "anticipatory grief" and how i finally realized that that was what i was going through when i went back to work a bit too soon (it a trauma, like a major illness, that creates a loss of innocence so then we KEEP anticipating this kind of thing happening again and again).  I told my bosses that I was fine now (a lie) but how fortunate I felt to be so "innocent" for half of my life (not a lie).  So when I read that line last week to myself, it just brought me so much comfort and joy.  So, I am going to start journaling again.  But my advice to all of you?  First of all, keep sharing because you brought another victim comfort but secondly, stop swimming up current.  Catlady2, I feel like maybe because of other websites you have been in (where they try to one up each other?)you felt like we might judge you so you had to tell us all the great things you are doing with your body....that's what i mean about swimming against the current.  You can't win and it's exhausting "being overly zealous" about your health.  Been there done that.  XO, "Be Still"

I do not just feel I lost my innocence, but have lost my life in a way. I am on my 2nd and 3rd round of cancer and with each one I start planning my funeral and try to figure out  what my life was about. I have even made out advance directives this round. The main thing I hate to think about is leaving my husband. 

I wish I could figure out why I am here. I try to do the best I can with life, and try to look on a bright side.

Connie0127

catlady2 said:

Thank you for your reply. I

Thank you for your reply. I wish you well in your journey. The reason I posted what I was doing was in hopes that there was something else I could do to deal with the emotional trauma.  My goal is to find a way to calm my soul and as BonBondidit aluded to-"To embrace what we have when we have it". All of the things I have tried are helping but I still a haunted by fear of the unkown.  My one year scan was postponed due to the Covid-19 crisis and I am struggling everyday with not knowing where I stand.  

I just read your post from last Spring and wondered whether you found anything that has helped you?  I pray that you have.  2020 has been such a difficult year for everyone, but starting from that place must have made it even harder for you.  Just know that someone is thinking of you.