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Let Me Off Of This Ride

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 256
Joined: Oct 2018

I am usually full of gratitude for the smallest things in life and most days I reach for everything positive. Today is not one of those days. I hate cancer. I hate what is has taken from me. I hate that I have to be super aware of most things like a guard on watch duty who never gets to just close their eyes and sleep. From the day my husband was diagnosed to now has been a roller coaster ride and I hate roller coaster rides. The small break of time before I was diagnosed after losing him was filled with letting go of grief and learning to grab life again.  That was short-lived and now I live holding my breath from scan to scan, bloodwork and hoping I have a doctor who thinks I am more than a means to his house payment and convertible. I am facing reality that I am Stage IV and that this will probably be what takes me from this life. You can bet when I cross over that if cancer is a face or being, it will get the hell beat out of him, lol. Most days I feel strong and full of fight to the end energy. I just want to cry today. I miss my husband. I miss sleeping all night. I miss having a glass of wine without worrying what it will do to my liver. I miss drinking an ice cold Coke. I miss being able to eat a cone of ice cream without it sending me to the bathroom due to my "new colon". I am tired of every decision I make hinging on how my cancer factors in. I have a male neighbor who is coming around and showing interest in me. He knows my story. I've thought of what it could be like to have someone in my life again. Going thru losing my husband gave me a front row seat to it all and I don't think I want to put someone in that position ever even tho' I know that would be their choice. No one has a clue what that is like until they have gone thru it. Even the little things in life seem hinged on how the cancer comes into play. I find myself wrestling with wether I should eat the second cookie because I'm worried about the sugar content. How I wish I could go back to the days of not thinking about cancer with every step I take but I know that this is my reality now. I have two months before I am scanned again to see if the spots in question have shown any growth. I am still in the boat of "not knowing". Everyone says think positive but I am as human as anyone else who could be sitting here. You think of all the possibllities. I am being open and raw with this. If the scan show new cancer in my liver, I honestly wish it would just move quickly and be done. I don't fear death. I fear laying in a bed nauseated,losing control of my body functions, and/or full of pain or being drugged out of my right mind to deal with it. I am typically a "fixer" in life. I want to make things better. I want to make others feel better and have hope. I want to clean things up and make it pretty. I can't make this pretty. It sucks all the way around. There is no one cure that fixes all. It is so random and there are no guarantees anything will work. Side effects of medications and sugeries take pieces of you away as you try to hold on to your hope and who you are deep down inside. To say it doesn't change you is a lie. Like the roller coaster ride, you have the highs when your bloodwork is normal and remission comes...then, out of the blue the coaster starts climing and the fear of the ride coming is back again. I don't want to bring anybody down with this but I just had to vent today. I've learned it's okay to cry, scream and not be "happy and positive" all of the time. Today, the ride scared the hell out of me and I had to just close my eyes and cry. I want to get off of and never get back on. Okay...enough whining. It won't change a thing but the tears and getting it out somehow makes it not so heavy to carry. I love this board and the members here even tho' I hate the reason behind it. Huge hug to all of you...M

Msboop15's picture
Msboop15
Posts: 81
Joined: Apr 2019

Thank you for letting it all out today. It’s hard for me to believe that we don’t all have those days. I certainly do. Matter fact I have been extremely positive about this tumor on my liver disappearing… I have been choosing to believe that it is gone and that I am cancer free. I have held that belief for the last two weeks and for some reason yesterday I started telling myself it was all just a dream.  I am in a better place today but not as confident as I was two days ago.  I hope you enjoy the attention you are getting from your neighbor… And if he knows your story all the more reason to enjoy it.  If nothing else, a little male companionship it’s always energizing. I really miss it. I so relate to what you said about the glass of wine and the cookie. No question, cancer changes us.  I hope later today, or in the next couple of days you’re back in that place of wanting to run with life as if you stole it! 

Elaine

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4898
Joined: Jan 2013

I will ride your highs with you and weep with your lows. I have empathy for your loss and the grief that will never cease. 

This is the forum to celebrate your joys and your pains, so never apologize. 

Thinking of you today, and pray that your tears and fears will cleanse you so that you can rise again to your joy. 

Cyber hugs!

Tru

 

Msboop15's picture
Msboop15
Posts: 81
Joined: Apr 2019

Amen to what Tru says!  Tru, you always seem to have just the right words. I thank you! 

E

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 912
Joined: Apr 2017

So sorry you are having a tough time of it today.  None of this is easy.  Sometimes, for me, having the extra cookie (or pizza and beer) is a good way to get through the day.  The other thing that helps me is a big dose of exercise.  Often the next day is a much better one.  I hope things brighten for you soon.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Somehow it helps to be able to unload to people who know the struggle. I've had several bad days in a row but pushed myself to do things which seems to have made it worse. I've been very down emotionally and frustrated. I just want to be able to enjoy what life I have left. I know it won't be like it was but it has to be better than being so drained and tired all the time.

My daughter took me to our local horse jumping venue. It's an internationally competitive venue so there is lots to see and do and walking through it is exhausting. I had to go in my wheelchair, I couldn't do the walking. That was rather defeating. It was nice to get out but the next day I had made arrangements to go see my uncle at his nursing home. He's a 93 year old veteran and Canada Day was Monday. When he was still in his own home he always had a get together for it so the family met there to celebrate. Doing two things in two days was exhausting and today is the first day I've felt half human since.

M, why are your worried about that second cookie and sugar? You know that cutting back on sugar will do you no good, right? At least as far as the cancer goes. I hate seeing someone deny themselves something enjoyable for no reason. We have little enough to make our lives happy.

Jan

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6247
Joined: Feb 2009

It's scary and there is not one person here that would say it wasn't.  You have every right to be scared and cry.  I'm just glad you are in a beautiful place in the mountains to look at every morning when you get up.  It has to be beautiful.  I'm so glad that you found this site and didn't have to go through this alone.  You have a great group of people behind your every thought and feeling.  Thanks for being a great part of this board.

Kim

 

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 363
Joined: Feb 2016

It ******* sucks. I hate it. I hate what it's done to you. I ******* hate what it's done to me. My body is ugly now. I wear a ******* bag with my **** in it. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I'm scared that I will die. 

And with all that I can't imagine what you have been through.

I lived my life overcoming hardships that I refused to defeat me and now this stupid disease has almost done it.

To what end? I don't want to leave my husband,  son, my grandchildren. This is not the way I thought I would spend my last years.

I still can't believe that this had happened. Some days are harder than others. People nonchalantly go on every day with their lives and never imagine this one day could be their last. 

I wish I could live more in the moment. But some days are harder than others.

I'm with you, sister. ****! Sometimes it all just sucks.

K

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Wow, I could have written that myself. Yesterday was a bad day. We're in financial trouble again. We're having so much trouble with taxes and every time we think it's sorted out something goes wrong. Our accountant messed up several things and the CRA doesn't care that we didn't do it ourselves, we're responsible for the mistakes. We should have checked it over to make sure it was done properly, according to them. If we could figure out what was done wrong we'd have done them ourselves. We paid a supposed professional a lot of money to do it for us. I've heard so many stories of this happening to people I know it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with the profession and if there are enough regulations for them.

So I got into a major funk last night. I'm so sick of what the cancer has done not only to me but to my family. I'm so tired of worrying about money. I'm so tired of worrying about my health. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I got to the point yesterday where I was crying that I couldn't take it anymore and was going to stop doing chemo and fighting to live because I'm just a burden and I can't keep watching what it's doing to the family. My husband is so stressed about the money.

Anyway, just trying to commiserate. My point is that the cancer is bad enough without all this other crap besides.

Hugs,

Jan

myAZmountain
Posts: 279
Joined: Apr 2018

Not to be stressed and resentful and frustrated and despondent when you are fighting Cancer--and it is soooo true that no one knows what it is like until they are diagnosed with it. I get so annoyed with my spouse who acts like he knows what is best all the time--but I guess he is trying to be supportive lol.  A good walk will usually lift my spirits and a phrase my kiddos always say --"embrace the suck" , dive headfirst into the pain and come out the other side stronger and ready to fight another day.

 

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1978
Joined: Nov 2009

I was just on vacation and should have been enjoying  myself but I felt extremely depressed.  Your post pretty well sums it up.  

After everything I have gone through previously (9 major abdominal surgeries) I frac my humerus getting out of bed and just leaning on my nightstand requiring surgery.  Go on vacation and walking every day I get a bleeding hemoroid.   Now because I got tired of eating a low residue diet I ate a salad and some fruit and paid for it all this week with a potential bowel blockage.

my husband had pancreatic cancer and although the whipple surgery was successful he has lost so much weight since his surgery in Oct 2016 that it scares me.   

But i suck it up and keep going even though Im crying inside.   When I read your post I feel you understand me and I’m not alone in my feelings.  Thank you for sharing your post 

hugs

Kathy

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1005
Joined: Aug 2013

Good, open, honest post, turns out my Fourth was spent in a funk as well. The boy had his party and grill going out back, it was a beautiful day, but I just couldn't get into it, and didn't want to try. I finally had a couple beers when it was time to put chairs in the driveway[we have a good view of the town's fireworks] and enjoy the show. Did that, went back to bed, turned on an older movie and nodded off. Holidays were Cindy's moments to make things happen; decorations, menu, guests, I was just the assistant, getting things, fixing stuff, setting things up. She was the reason, and without that, I'm not very motivated. I'm not horribly sad, just content to lose myself in binge-watching movies and reading. I just feel her absense more at holidays, and find it best to deal with that in my own fashion, rather than trying to force myself out to what friends/family might have going on. I hope you give that new friend a chance to know you more, Mojo, he may have needs that aren't clear to you, maybe just the desire to be needed, itself. Some day I hope to have that drive propel me forward again, beyond the things and people I look after now. In the meanwhile it's one day at a time, hope these next few have been better for you, and anyone here having a tough time....................................................Dave

Msboop15's picture
Msboop15
Posts: 81
Joined: Apr 2019

Thank you for your honest post. So sorry your wife isn’t there to share the holidays. Sounds like you’re taking care of yourself the best you can on those tough days  

E

 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 256
Joined: Oct 2018

I know those feelings all too well my friend. Doyle was the core of it all for me from the simplest of things to all holidays and celebrations. I guess it's also weird that now I truly know the emotions and feelings he was dealing with while dealing with his own cancer. I was just the caregiver at that moment but that was also a bad dream I never wanted to have. There is a part of me that so wishes he were here to go thru this with me but by the same token, I loved him so much that my heart would have been broken to know he would have to watch me suffer thru this and walk away alone. I'm grateful for my kids, grandkids and friends but something is always missing in it all...it's him. I'm sitting here today waiting on a call from oncologist. He called this morning but I missed the call. I had taken Tylenol PM to try to get some rest so I missed him. He was calling to tell me about the conversation he had with my surgeon in Charleston. I had asked him to send the CT films and results to him to see what he thought about the questionable areas of density that he and the raidiologist were unsure about. Waiting absolutely sucks. Every turn and decision I make seems to hinge on this damn cancer. If I find that there are new growths, I truly hope whatever happens will take place quickly. I will not drag it out with chemo and suffering the side effects of that crap. I will keep enjoying my days but it would certainly effect my choices on remodeling my home I have now or how I spend my money and time. Everyone likes to say "just live your life like you would if you didn't have it." You can't. It's easy to say when you aren't the one waiting on scans and doctors. Normally, I would NEVER jump out of a perfectly good plane...lol..Knowing what I do now about diagnosis of Stage IV, I would probably say screw it and jump, lol. I've learned the moods with the highs and lows will come and go. I'm just trying to learn how to navigate them and stay in the boat. Wishing you brighter days full of good memories and inspiration that leave you smiling and reaching for one more day...Thanks for taking the time to give me a boost...Huge hug your way...M 

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