CSN Login
Members Online: 3

You are here

Mojo and "Hope"

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

As I have gotten older, things I thouht were written in stone crumbled to dust. I say that in a good way. I am spiritual, but not religous even tho' I was raised in a holy rolling Nazarene church with a preacher who stomped his feet and scared God into you. By the time I was a teenager, I was convinced I was doomed to hell with no hope in site, lol. My husband was a Vietnam vet with many demons in his memories there. Going thru his cancer journey was a curse and a gift. He opened my eyes and heart in so many ways to how powerful and uncontrolled life really is. I learned the power of love in forgiveness, humility and in hope. Most importantly, I learned to be present in just the "moment" we have in front of us. That is all we truly have. As humans, I guess it is in our makeup to overthink, worry and try to prepare all in the name of survival. I have learned we are all so much more than just humans. The love, connection and spirit that exists between the members on this board is proof of that...for that, I am so grateful for each and every one of you and the time you have taken to "hold my hand" and walk with me thru my own journey. I want to share something that happened this week.  My husband's favorite bird was the almighty hawk. It symbolizes so many things. If there is a thing such as "spirit animals", the hawk was his. A few days after his death, I was walking by the creek in the pasture on our property lost in tears and pain. I looked up and there within reaching distance was the most beautiful hawk sitting on a branch within touching distance and not making a move...looking right at me. I have no doubt that was a gift for me. This week I have been at my little mountain place working and staying busy unpacking and such. Of course the upcoming surgery is constantly in the back of my mind no matter what I do. My little moutain place is at the end of Main Street in downtown Hendersonville, NC. So, I am not in the woods by any means. I am surrounded by homes, etc. When I walked out, there at the edge of my property was the biggest hawk I have ever seen. I was dumbfounded to say the least. I thought maybe it was hurt or stuck in something so I walked closer. It just stood there and raised each foot separately so I knew it wasn't stuck. I got within a broom's width of this huge bird with it looking dead at me the whole time. My daughter and her friend were coming down the drive as this happened. When they got closer, he flew away. My daughter knew this was my husband's "sign". She was in a little shock herself when she got out of the car. I wiped away the tears but I knew. This was meant for me. I don't know what the next few weeks unfolding hold for me, but I have hope and peace that "every little thing will be alright"...(I have a sign with that saying in my kitchen, lol).  Life is going to do it's own thing, ready or not. I choose to enjoy the "moment" in front of me but I will always be full of "hope" and will always reach for light and love until the end of my journey here. 

On a funny note, I have to share this in hopes it makes someone laugh today. Last night, a very dear friend of mine went to dinner with me. She was the hospice nurse for my husband and our neighbor where we had our little paradise in the mountains. We became close friends instantly and she is the one I want holding my hand when my time comes. We have talked openly and honestly about death. I am by no means ready to go, but I don't fear the thought of it. She has shared so many stories of her experiences with others and truly looks at it as "gifts" that have been given to her. So many have made death a "taboo" thing to talk about...I just don't feel that way and look at it a a natural rythm of life that comes for all. Anyway, lol, back to the story. She said she had one particular gentleman who was a lively, cranky old man who tried to get her "goat" everytime she went to visit him. They became friends thru it all and he was a very special "client" to her. When his time came, he had left a note saying he had picked out his favorite clothes he wanted to be buried in and that Rachel (my friend) was the one he wanted to get him ready. She said when she looked at the clothes and him, she started laughing. The clothes were about three sizes too small for his big frame. She said she wrestled with his body getting them on him and told him he would not have the last laugh on her ,wiping away sweat as she fought to get the socks on his big feet. Talk about having spirit right down to the end, lol.  I laughed so hard when she told this story that I thouht I would wet my pants. ( whew, I didn't, lol)...To all of you beautiful people who find themselves here...always reach for the good stuff..hope, laughter, light and love.  Hugs, hugs, and more hugs...M

Christy76's picture
Christy76
Posts: 27
Joined: Feb 2019

I'm so glad your husbands spirit animal showed up for you. The universe is full of signs if you look and listen often in the quiet places. I'm happy you have a hospice friend too. Hospice people are often a bit different than most people but in a good way. They see death on a regular basis and so no longer fear it. They are also very loving people as only loving people would volunteer for a job like the one they do. I hope your surgery goes well and you have many years yet to spend with your freind.

Christy

myAZmountain
Posts: 260
Joined: Apr 2018

Such a beautiful post, thank you Mojo for sharing! I am praying that your surgery goes seamlessly, and that you recover quickly. Knowing that my life may be a lot shorter than planned I have been making a special effort to live in the moment. Light those candes you have been saving, wear those "too good for everyday" clothes and jewelry, use those good plates! Celebrate every day! Easier said than done when going through chemo I know! Hugs right back!

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 880
Joined: Apr 2017

"Use the good plates,"  I like it!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Interesting you should mention the hawks. My father-in-law passed away from cancer last summer. He loved owls. In the trees close to his grave when we were at the burial three owls sat n the trees and watched. They stayed so long we got pictures of them and they were still there when we left.

I'm someone who has a sense of humour about my cancer. Almost half of everyone will be diagnosed with it so there's no point in feeling like I was singled out or anything like that. Not that I haven't had those feelings at times but it is what it is and there's no point in making people avoid me because I make them uncomfortable. In someways it's been a good experience. I was lucky to not have to deal with tone deaf people that questioned if I really had it or said it's God's will or any stupid platatudes like that. I had a few bad experiences with people so I punted them from my life. Everyone else has been supportive and lovely. From mere acquaintances to close friends I've been very blessed. And My husband and daughter have been wonderful.

The positives of having this are finding out how tough you are. Most people don't get to find that out. While you're going through ugly, painful, scary things you don't feel that way but after you do. Finding out how many people care about me. It's sobering and awe inspiring and so positive. Having my husband step up to the plate. He's a good guy but I'm still surprised at his patience and willingness to take care of me. My daughter and I have always been close so I'm not surprised at how great she's been but I still appreciate it so much. I like knowing that I won't live to be really old with my mind gone and wearing a diaper. And someone having to come up with the money to keep me in a nursing home while nobody comes to see me. That's very reassuring. I've had the opportunity to make arrangements for things like where my horse goes and who gets what. I planned my own funeral. My husband does woodworking and he's going to make me a beautiful urn for my ashes.

So I appreciate your positivity.

Take care, 

Jan

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

Life is full of them...some we see coming and some we don't see until the class is over. A cancer diagnosis will wake you up no doubt and make you pay attention. You have been thru so much. When I got my diagnosis, I was just pissed with everything. Then, I cried when I realized there was no quick fix or easy answers. Life is going to wind and weave its' own way regardless how WE try to steer it. I have made peace with that and have chosen gratitude for the "moments" I have been given. We all want more. I am so glad you have a supportive husband and daughter. My husband was my best friend and rock...I miss him every day and especially now with what I'm facing. Going thru the cancer journey with him was the hardest thing I've ever faced but even in all of that, there were so many gifted moments. Those moments have helped me now. I will take each day as it comes and be true to myself in the choices I make and the time I have. Love is a powerful thing and I believe it is the key to everything. I strive to reach for love and light even in my darkest moments. I think we definitely see everything in a different light when we get faced with our mortality and cancer. It wasn't the way I wanted my play to end but none of us will live forever. I choose my words more carefully now and I think about my impact on others with what I say and do. For us, I think a veil is lifted. That is a gift, not a curse. I have my moments but I truly try to reach for the good in all of this. Dying from this doesn't scare me but endless medical procedures and pain is what I wrestle with. Of course I'm not ready to go yet so I explore my options and will try what I can. With that comes dealing with procedures and pain..no way around it. I hate pain medication that affects my "genuine" self and mind so that is a struggle with me as well. One sweet day at a time and moment by moment Jan-Jan. I will think of you often and wish you good things always as you go down this road. Huge hug your way...M

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I adore your attitude, thank you! I think I'm different but not necessarily in a good way. I'm more positive than I was and am grateful for every day rather than Just accepting Im alive and not being grateful, which is normal when you arent' facing something like this. But while I have more compassion for some things, I have less compassion and patience for other things. Whining about something trivial? Don't bother me with it. I used to say my cancer does not lessen other people's problems but that's changed. I don't want to see on facebook someone whining about their sniffles, or how they got stuck in traffic, or whatever minor crap they like to get pity for. I have compassion for people who deserve it or need it but I don't have the time or patience for whining about silly things that happen to everyone.

I also can't stand it when someone has cancer as their identity. A couple of years before my dignosis a woman I knew had breast cancer. Everyone she met was told about it within minutes of meeting her. Their reaction was always how strong she was and she basked in that adulation. She was a warrior! And all that crap. She'd do things like she met a well known horse clinician and immediately told him. It was embarassing.

People who just met you don't care and don't know what to say when you bring it up. I refuse to be identified by my cancer. It is not me and will not define me. I don't want people to know and then pretend to be impressed. The only time I mention it is if I'm struggling and someone asks if I'm okay and I'll say I'm not well and they start talking about how I probably have the flu that's going around. I'll say I have cancer so I don't have to listen to the suggested cures for it. But the last thing I want is pity.

Almost half of us will get the diagnosis of cancer in our lifetime. It's not some exclusive, special club. There's nothing unique about us. We do our treatments and cope however we can, just like everyone else that has it. I'm me, I'm not the woman with cancer. I am but that's not how I want people to look at me.

Anyway, I'm off my rant. I hope we all can beat this or at least live with it. It sucks but it is what it is. We're still here and will make the best of it. I'll be looking forward to your posts!

Jan

ellend
Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2016

JanJan

I certainly don't want cancer to define me either and was not sure what to say to even friends and family. I didn't want people to treat me any differently, didn't want their pity or to be shunned because they didn't know what to say. I also didn't want unsolicitied advice on alternative treatments that they haven't had any experience with (I got that from a few well meaning friends).That being said, I appreciated the experiences and explanations from those people who were using alternative medicine that seemed to benefit them.

I had some wonderful friends who related positive stories of survivalship of their own cancer experiences or those of their close friends and relatives. Those were the conversations that I cherish. Whenever I start to feel a bit sorry for myself I remind myself there are others on this board who are going through a lot more than I have and I feel grateful for each day I am considered NED.

I wish you all the best in your journey going forward and you will be in my thoughts. With all you have and are still going through, you have been been helpful and supportive to others on this path.

Ellen

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 98
Joined: Oct 2018

Easy to love that is, what you thought I was going to say something different? I share in so much of what you believe and it's clear to me that the destiny that brought you and your beloved husband together once upon a time, will do so again. He is with you, whispering to you the love song only you can hear, he is protecting you, loving you still, now and always, sending a message on the wings of a Hawk. There's a hard road ahead and the fear as great as it was for me became easier when I surrendered to having cancer and put my life in the hands of my remarkable surgeon and the endless circle of life with which we are all a part.

Cancer was a wake up call for me too, reminding me to be in the now, in every moment that I possibly could and I keep trying so hard to do this, to not miss a single moment but alas, I fail miserably at it, I'll keep on trying though because the gifts from lovely new friends like you are held so dear and so very cherished and we wade through grief that's so heavy with fear and thick with sadness because we're fragile and human and I think it's the way it should be, and you'll get to the shore you're meant to find of this there can be no doubt, I've witnessed this my entire life - and I remember. Like you it's pain I fear not death which I see as deliverance from here to there, although I'm not so certain just where "there" resides. But if we listen carefully to that quiet place within ourselves I believe we can catch a glimpse of it. Just as I know you can close those big gorgeous eyes of yours and feel your husbands touch, breathe him and for a moment, all yours alone hold him close beneath the stars - I think when we have this, we're never alone and we're safe even in the most shattered heart of time.
 
As for the drugs, take a pass and instead stock pile them for me, really this works beautifully because you won't have to take them and you'll experience the ultimate in a pain relief by living vicariously through me - and really Mojo who wouldn't  want to just that. If you rather I strongly suggest taking the meds because they serve a purpose by letting you move more which means healing faster - you won't lose yourself or become a blabbering idiot, after all look at me I take massive doses of medication and I'm perfectly normal in every conceivable and traditional way. I could shed a tear for you Mojo not of pity or sadness but of admiration. Admiration for your keen awareness of the beauty that surrounds you, such as myself of course. But it's even more than that it's the devotion to your children, your intoxicating humor, your river of compassion and your bravery too. Not just with facing cancer but in facing loss, profound and deep and doing all you do with such grace and dignity. It gives me pause to reflect on my own - which is yet one more reason I always carry a mirror.
 
 
mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

You are so right about everything (but you knew that anyway didn't you?..lol) Life is an endless circle and I am so glad you are in that circle with me. You carry "love" with you...the love you receive and give. My husband, your Harley...nevery gone..just a memory and smile away. Your sweetness and words never fail to soothe. You are such a gift, beautiful inside and YES, out...kiss that face in the mirror your carry every day!!...lol.

I will start my lovely bowel prep at 11 am tomorrow and I know you would be here holding my hand if you could. (okay..maybe hiding behind the door with a mask and Febreze, but nevertheless cheering me on..Tongue Out) I am really pretty calm about it all and ready to just get it done and move forward to hopefully doing whatever it takes to kick this out of my life for good. I am on this ride until the end and I won't miss the "moments". I am human and will probably say the rain sucks sometimes instead of dancing in it but there will be dances in it too...lol.  You have talked me in to doing drugs..lol. I will take them as prescribed and needed. I will also listen to my doctors. I did my homework and I trust their skills. I will do everything I can to get on the other side of this. What a rollercoaster it has been...I know you are hurting with grief and an empty spot in your life but yet you come here and you give. I admire YOU for that and I pray that time will work its magic and that life will catch you with a gentle hand always. Thinking of you and sending the biggest hug ever to you..M 

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 98
Joined: Oct 2018

I wouldn't need a bottle of Fabreez, I would just sit by you and hold your hand. I would be wearing a Hazmat suit but still, it's a comforting thought to hold. I was so terrified of my surgery but nothing I experienced afterward or throughout recovery was equal to the fear. I've heard this from many members here and hope to hear the same from you. Know how loved you are, know how strong you are, know how much healthier you're going to be - as big and scary as it feels this is your road. Your path to recovery and the start to living your amazing life cancer free. I'll be thinking of you every day. My Harley is but one in an army of guardian angels protecting you - you are in my heart. Peter 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

It is my life and I treasure every second of it. Cancer bit itself in the *** and gave me more gifts than I ever realized. Thank you my special friend for all the love and encouragement. It is like a little treat for myself to sign on and see that beautiful face of yours. You should know I am partial to goatees and bald heads. My husband was bald with the most beautifully manicured goatee...I didn't stand a chance, lol. This is scary to know that I will be cut open and hands will be touching the "works" that keep my blood flowing and breath in my body. I have a stronger faith in the spirit that lives within that shell...that life force I have been blessed to be...ME. Even as scary as it is, I truly have a peace about all of it. Of course I hope I have many more moutains to hike and a coffee or wine date with the second most handsome bald headed goatee owner I have ever seen, and his wonderfully supportive hubby. What a team I am sure you both make. I am jealous...I miss my other half but I carry him with me. I am sipping my tea this morning and staring at the huge bottle of MiraLax waiting for me, lol..ugh!! Want some?..lol. Okay..tomorrow at 11:00am, start the fire under the cauldron and begin dancing for good energy...prayers welcomed as well.(don't want you to burn anything, lol) You have left your imprint on my heart as well and I will carry it with me as I walk this path. Much love and huge hug your way!!..M 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4832
Joined: Jan 2013

We will be waiting patiently for your return to the forum, and the good news. 

Tru

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

Or more like "Tru Gold"...You are a gift here....I know as long as you have breath in your body, you will be here offering it if need be and encouragement as well as a kick in the butt if needed. Your "photo" sums up what I feel even with this big surgery coming tomorrow. At least I was given the chance for it..at least I got to "meet" you and so many others on this site. Screw you cancer..You bit yourself in the ***...you have given me so many GIFTS...Thank you Tru. Work your "magic" and send that good energy tomorrow at noon. Much love and huge hug your way!!

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4832
Joined: Jan 2013

I think you're three hours ahead (I lost your PM when the site crashed), so to cover my tracks I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers all day long, and onward through recovery. 

Tru

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4832
Joined: Jan 2013

grouphug Group Hug!

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

You can do the surgery. If Butt did you can too. I went into the surgery as to Disney. It was 6.30 am and I was full of desire because I had hope. I wanted cancer to be cut off from my liver. Well, it showed back on my lungs but it is a different story. Nutritional stores have beef broth. The one to drink after the surgery. Good source of protein plus collagen that helps to heal wounds faster. I am hinting toward colon because I think you have a combined surgery. I knew about the broth but my surgeon also mentioned it. Butt. 

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

Since I have joined here, I have read thru your posts. At first, I didn't realize all of your story. Since, I have come to look for that fighting spirit in your posts. I have an imagine of you with boxing gloves on ready to tackle anything that comes your way. Thank you from the bottom of my soul for your comment about my husband watching over me. Your encouragement makes me want to fight this with all I have. I will get the bone broth and appreciate that tip as well. Anything you can share is always welcomed. I pray for healing and good energy for you as well Butt. Big hug your way...M

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

I do believe you hubby watches you and smiles. He always be with you. You will see him one day. Let s hope after 80 and we will go from there. Butt. 

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 880
Joined: Apr 2017

Good luck with the prep and upcoming surgery.  We are all pulling for you, respecting your spirit and hoping for the best possible outcome.

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I sure hope to add many more hikes to the list as you have..truly appreciate the encouragement!

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 993
Joined: Aug 2013

A wonderful thread M, and your tale of the hawk made me remember my own magic moment. Cindy collected flamingos and butterfly ornaments for the front yard and wall of the house. When we'd work on some project or in the yard, and would finish up by late afternoon, we'd sit and drink a few beers as a reward, and as a moment to just be together. After she passed [Apr. 30th], I didn't feel like doing a damn thing since she wasn't there and what was the point in anything? By June the yard was an overgrown mess, lawn, bushes and trees. One Saturday I finally felt like tackling the jungle, and went at it all day, finishing around 6ish on a beautiful, warm evening, Sitting down with a cold beer and a long missing sense of satisfaction, I relaxed cross-legged only to have this beautiful Painted-Lady butterfly land on my knee. It sat there folding and unfolding it's wings while I sipped and stared, amazed at how calmly it stayed for what must have been several minutes, Then it flew to the front part of my shoulder as I called out "Cindy?" It gave me a long look and finally took off up until I lost it above the big Mimosa tree. my eyes and my heart were full, even though my head said coincidence, and as much as I hold with logic and science as my guides to what I believe in and about this life and our world, Ihold that moment as a special goodbye for me and the love of my life. As an interesting postscript I just looked up the butterfly's name to get it right and Google showed the picture with a Wiki paragraph mentioning that the subgenus of these colorful butterflies was known as the Cynthia Group. Wow, I've gotten that magical feeling all over again................................................................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Dave, you made me all misty. That's beautiful! I love it! I associate my mom with hummingbirds. 

Jan

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4832
Joined: Jan 2013

I have spoons that my mum used for baking. When I use them, I am with her.  I just this moment washed a roasting pan that my dear Bert used.  I have several things like this, that bring them close to me. 

We all have something special, and our loved ones know it. 

Tru

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4832
Joined: Jan 2013

 I hold that moment as a special goodbye for me and the love of my life.

More of a 'I'm still here, and I'm watcing over you'.

I know our beliefs are all differing, but really, she has only left her physical body, her spirit is still very much alive and dropping by to make sure you are hanging in there. 

Tru

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 350
Joined: Feb 2016

I love this.

We have been lucky as a family. My Mom passed in 1992 and we did not have another loved one part until November 2015 when my beloved sister-in-law passed. It was right before I was diagnosed. I remember that at her memorial, for some odd reason I felt I was next.   I felt something ominous.

The next day I was driving home and I saw an owl in a tree on the side of the road. I remember thinking right away of Wendy. it gave me such a warm feeling. later that week I looked up the significance of seeing an owl in the middle of the day and yes, it is a sign of a passed loved one. I am not necessarily a spiritual person but I felt like it was a sign. She gives me strength to this day. I’ve never met a stronger woman. She died of pancreatic  cancer. it was so quick we hardly got our heads around it and she was gone. I got the chance to tell her that I loved her and I treasure that.

peace to you all.

k

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

I believe in science and logic as you do but I know there is so much more to the beautiful spirit that exists in all of us. I have no doubt your beloved Cindy and my beloved Doyle were in the experiences we each had...your Butterfly and my Hawk..I smiled when I read your post. Doyle and I used to work so hard in our yard together on different projects. We enjoyed sitting back just like you two after it was all done and sharing a beer while just being together. Those memories are so precious to me.  Both of us loved blues music. I was lost in thought about him driving not too long ago and a song by Keb Mo' started to play. The words "life is beautiful, life is wondorous" echoed with me the rest of the day and I've thought of those words since when I get bogged down in thoughts that serve no purpose. It was just a reminder to me to always reach for love and light...and I will. Wishing everyone who finds themselves here, love and light always...Hugs, M

ellend
Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2016

I believe our loved ones who have passed are watching over us. The legend goes that cardinals are a sign of loved ones who have returned giving us a sign. Its even more meaningful when animals who were dear to your loved ones show themselves to you. I hope these signs give you strength and hope to get through the surgery. We will all be praying, cheering or otherwise pulling for you in our own special ways. Good luck with your upcoming surgery.

Ellen

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

You just have to open your heart as well as your eyes...Thank you for the encouragement and well wishes for surgery tomorrow. Greatly appreciated!!..Hugs, M 

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6186
Joined: Feb 2009

Sounds like your husband was trying to show you he was there with you.  I'm so glad that your daughter could see it as well. Take each of those special moments and relive them when you are stressed - it helps.  Enjoy every "moment."  Thank you for sharing your post.  We appreciate all your support for our members here.  BTW my husband too was a Vietnam Vet and I'm thanking you for your husband's service.  They served and with not much respect after they got back so I'm thanking you for supporting him after because sometimes it could get hard.

Kim

Subscribe to Comments for "Mojo and "Hope""