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Help please

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

Hi,

 

Im a 46 year old lady from Sweden that basically has given up on life. Been looking at your site for a while and although i dont understand everything i understand a lot. Now pardon my language and let me say i know i should be very grateful for my eaarly cancerverdicts and i am so very thankful  but now it looks like a third cancer in a year and i cant take it anymore. First i hade breastcancer but got a good diagnose and just did radiation, then 8 months later like 2 months after radiation ended i god endometriecancer. Still  a good diagnose. Got rid of it all in operation inclusive ovaries. On ct they saw i small mass on my kidney and lungnodule. Yeahh! I just feel like i dont have a fight in me anymore(very bad life and kinda been fighting since a was 6 years old with very bad parents and a very mean mentally ill brother. have big mentally problems because of that and is so not strong. totally wrong person to give all this too.

 

So i saw doctor yeasterday. Didnt hear much of what she said because of crying. Have to say im dead scared of surgery. I had so much bad luck that i am always convinced im going to die. It seems like im living in a constant nightmare. i was hopin for a cyst or  complex cyst but nor me of course but they still dont know if its cancer either. had a ct with and withour contrast and now they want to do  a biopsy. its european standard i think. The mass is 1,5 cm and i took first ct aroud 20th of july and ct without contrast in the end of august and it hasn't grown.  I cant decide what to do my brain is totally blank i already hade problem after cancer nr 2 and now......thank you for listening.

 

kind regards

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3180
Joined: Jan 2010

Idontknow

 

,All of us here have been thru this. Count your blessings. At 1.5 or 2 cm, if it does turn out to be Cancer it is very small and nearly 100% fully curable. Whatever life has dealt you this part will be taken care of. Its been over 16 years for me.How big is the lung nodule. With such a small mass in the kidney it is nost likely benign and unrelated.

 

icemantoo

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

The lung nodule isnt even measurable. So small. What is your take on biopsy?I noticed that i lot of you dont belive in them and i know there are risk but...... I really want to avoid another operation if i can but i really dont want to die either.

 

kind regards

 

Idontknow anymore

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1902
Joined: Mar 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's very stressful. And one cancer is bad enough but three? I can understand why you feel the way you do. Lung nodules are very common. I have two tiny ones we're watching but of course I worry too. Most of them are benign. So try not to stress over that one. Your kidney growth may or may not be cancer but it's very small, and surgery should be the end of it. The surgery is not as bad as I had feared. It's not fun but not terrible either. You'll get through it. We don't tend to do biopsies here. Keeping you in my thoughts. 

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 883
Joined: Feb 2009

So please join us.  Sometimes the frustration, bad news, and anger can make one want to give up.  We've probably all been at that point, even if it lasts for only a moment.  It's the "fight or flight" mechanism we were all born with.

My feeling is that you do want to fight, but are so tired....of it all.  Hang on, and as we say on this side of the pond, "put on your big girl panties and get on with it."

Talk to your primary care doc; you sound like you're experiencing depression-caused by both family/brother's behavior and the medical problems you're experiencing.  There are a number of medications for depression and he/she can prescribe the correct one for you.  Don't wait; do something today; call and make an appointment.

What ever was found on the CT's is small.  That/they can wait a few months until you are feeling better and better able to deal with what could be kidney cancer.  Then make your decisions.

What ever you choose, keep us posted.  We want to be there for you.  All of us are trying to be survivors; it's what we do best...Try.

You need happiness and encouragement.  So we're sending it to you.

Hugs,

donna_lee

a 12 yr survivor

 

Angiebby75's picture
Angiebby75
Posts: 181
Joined: Aug 2017

So sorry you have to go through so much. I understand sometimes feeling overwhelmed. I have been there just last week. But don’t give up Donna has excelllent advice.  This forum is a wealth of information and support. There is a chance it is benign and if not a good treatment size. I was a worrier before cancer,  so I’m trying my best to be strong. I think I getting better day by day. Wishing you some peace of mind.

stub1969's picture
stub1969
Posts: 765
Joined: Jul 2016

Her advice is spot on.  Good luck!

Stub

medic1971's picture
medic1971
Posts: 189
Joined: Sep 2015

Hello my friend from Sweden! I am sorry you are here...

1.5cm is a very small mass and that is good for you.  Like Iceman said even at 2 cm these are very curable and depending on where the mass is on the kidney they might be able to do an outpatient procedure called cryoablation, but I would talk to your doctor.  At only 1.5cm they may just want to keep an eye on it and do another CT in 6 months. 

If you do have surgery they will likely only take a small part of your kidney.  I had two spots on my right kidney (2.2cm and 8mm) and I kept more than 95% of my kidney and the surgery was not that bad really. 

Keep posting!  And know that most of us here have been where you are now.

We are here for you! 

Deanie0916
Posts: 234
Joined: Nov 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this. Donna's advice is sooo good. I understand feeling so tired of it all and thinking...cancer again?!? I hope and pray it is benign, nothing. Wish you peace and happiness.

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

Hi,

 

Me again. First evertime i read your answers you bring me to tears. Im not used to people being friendly to me so thank you for that:-)I have a partner that i love very much and two cats that i also love very much but no friends at all. I had friends like twenty years ago but they left when my problems came. But that is not what this site is about so over to the subject.

 

Yes I have to admit im s otired of thinking about cancer and death because that seems to have been my life since last november. And although im very grateful for the good prognoses, very grateful it stats to feel like ok i do this nex t lungcancer or some else cancer? I cant fight all the time i need time to breathe. I know i am and was obese . 1.59 and at most 96 kg. it was not that i was not trying to loose weight. i have always eaten healthy but at 26 i lost my thyorid i think you call it and that and all the stress my family gave me made like impossiblei manages to like loose a bit like to 88 kg and then up again until i got breastcancer. I dont know why but then it finally turned. Maybe because my mother died(she was not  a good one in 36 years)after breastcancer stupid me told myself i should never get cancer again started 5:2  and walking every day and lost weight so i put myself up the hole and then i started to bleed was down when i got the diagnose but tried to put myself back up again and now i dont know how to do it. Now i weight 75 kg and even after endometriecancer i tried to continue,

 

but again that was not what i was going to write sorry about that.

 

the spot is in the lower pole in the middle of it i guess just before the fat well capsuled they said. They want to o a biopsy because then decide treatment if maybe ablation. Still not sure about how sure that is as you all said deep down i really want to live i just dont know how anymore. i cant even hear what they are saying to me or make a decision my brain is blank. Thank you for all your kindness to me.

Tapman63's picture
Tapman63
Posts: 134
Joined: Dec 2017

You're among people who "get it"  here...and even though it sounds like you've had a rough road, your kidney diagnosis seems totally treatable.   I know it's hard, but try to stay positive - look at the bright side...they found it and can get rid of it.  Best of luck to you - I'm sure you'll come through fine.

Jim

JoeyZ's picture
JoeyZ
Posts: 191
Joined: Mar 2018

Please hang on. You will do fine. Take deep breaths and baby steps. You'll get through this, also. 

A good way that helped me so much was to read other people's stories on their profiles. Click on anyone's picture and if they've filled out theirs, you can read it. That sure did help me a lot in the beginning. Also if you have not already, you could fill yours out. It helps others understand more what you are going through.

One day, one moment at a time, and you will make it. Ask all the questions you'd like. There are no dumb or stupid questions. We're always here for you.

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 883
Joined: Feb 2009

for being young, to my mind.

I, too, had endometriosis; and a mother who was toxic to me.  And weight gain goes with thyroid removal unless you change eating and exercise patterns.

The fact that you came back to read and respond to our replies is great news. Unless you live in a remote region of Sweden, I'm sure you can find someone to be a walking partner-post at the library, a school, the grocery store, church, other social groups, or ask your doctor/nurse if there are groups.  It provides exercise and an outside voice/person to talk to.

We won't leave you.  Some of us may go on vacation, or have our own medical issues to deal with; but we always come back here to check on each other.

Take care of yourself, and that's an "order."  Write some goals on a piece of paper...even a couple to start.  Check every day to remind yourself to do something to reach that goal.  Take easy, baby steps, and then add more goals.

Hugs,

donna_lee

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 846
Joined: Nov 2014

Hello,

very sad to hear about your struggles... Not even about your kidney tumor- it is so small that will be dealt with easily. But about your depression - it takes all joy out of you, no matter if you are cancer patient or not.

everyone had great advises here, but especially Donna. Please, please listen to her and try some kind of therapy and medication. I’ve never had depression, but I have hypochondria, which had gotten out of hand couple of years ago. So a year ago I started taking antidepressants, because hypochondria is also treated with them. They brought a huge relief! Now I have my life back, enjoy it and feel like myself before hypochondria started.

Please give medication a try, if you hadn’t yet. It will help you feel better, and therapy can help to deal with your past struggles. It can and it WILL get better.

By the way, I’m from Latvia, so pretty close to you :-) Been to Sweden several times, what a beautiful country and nice people you have!

Hugs,

Alla

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

To Donna, Allochka and all you other kind people. Ive read what you said and i know your'e right I keep mumbling in my head i want to live than the next second it changes to i cant anymore this is too much. As I said early due to my parents and my older brother i lived a very stressful life. A big part of me think that its all the long stress from what they put me through that gave me a lot of this cancers because i was in  a really bad condition mentally for a very very long time and it seems that even if i fight there is gonna be a new cancer. I was so glad when i got the other diagnoses because they was good but that is just how life often is to me bad, like make her feel safe and then give her the next blow. third time(maybe) around. She had two good ones lets knock her down now. I am very very thankful for all the good prognoses but a person can only take so much.  My goal after first and second was to live until i got 90 years old but now.....i still want to do that but how can i believe? I guess it was ever more important to me because my parents got me in so much truble that they kinda had me prisoner in my own life until like i was 35 years old(they used my financally and played with my mind because of my longing to get them to love me sometimes )then they left me with all their **** even though i begged them to think of my health. Then the ghosted me. I wish now that i would have been like an iceman 15 years ago when all of this started but i wasn't.

 

but thats another story. You should know i am trying but how can i believe that it will go well when i always get knocked down again? thank you for all your understanding and kindness it really means a lot.

 

and i feel so much like an ...... with this. people do one two a few does three or more. Why must i always be extreme?story of my life

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 883
Joined: Feb 2009

Because we all sense that you know what you want to do.  Empower yourself as none of us can actually do that for you.  Doesn't Sweden have Socialized Medicine?

1. Make that first call and get an appointment to discuss your depression.

2. Be honest with the MD- If need be, print out this conversation and take it with you.  

3. Take the anti depressant; or let him know after 4-6 weeks that the particular one he prescribe is not working.  There are many types of anti depressant drugs.  

4. Ask if there is any discussion group you may join.  Express yourself.

Read some of the other's stories.  Click on their user name(s) with their posts.  See the journeys they've taken/obstacles they've fought, etc.

Do take care of yourself.

Hugs,

donna_lee

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

I was on antidepressant for like 12 years ago maybe for a year but was so depressed that they did just work half of the day even if i had the highest dose end i didnt like how they make me feel. And ive been quite ok this last ten years until all this cancer (it works because i created my bubble at home) But i told the hospital already that this is too much so some kinda counselling is coming my way, And ive read some of your stories and they are so inspiring when i read them for a few seconds i believe i can and then i fall down in the hole again. I think the big problem is that i am very afraid of the operation(had so much bad luck so covinced im going to die on the table)  and how i feel after even more after my last operation this summer since  it kinda broke me they even called psychdoctor because i talked a lot abour jumping out of the window in my room that always was open.  Im not a very strong person and it doesnt help when you never gets the chance to gather your strenght. My hasband compares me with the disneyanimal bambi(dont know english name and if that is the same).

thanks for caring

 

 

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 883
Joined: Feb 2009

You are making forward progress.  Counseling can help.  And I qualify that-some counselors are better than others.  You are taking the first steps and I'm proud of you.

And Bambi is the fawn's name.

And I do understand the turmoil you are experiencing.

Many hugs,

donna_lee

Idontknowanymore
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2018

Hi again,

 

I tried to stay away from google this last week in hope to feel a little better. It worked a bit. Sad to say though that life keep giving me hard times since my dear cat (i had two) Got sick very fast this saturday and died this monday in hospital in cancer (of course)And since i put all my love in my cats i blame myself because im so weak that i cant always stand up so me and my husband have a rule i say to him when i see something strange and he reacts and that isnt always the reaction i thought he should have done and then i hate myself even more because im som complex and dont stand my ground more  and i dont want to be. and of course the day after i was supposed to o a biopsy. Like you f.......g kidding with me i just lost my dear cat. im not lying to you when i say that she was the one that took me through cancer nr two this summer, she was the one that saved me from falling in to depression, she made sure i came out of bed in the morning sha was a very talkative cat (She made sounds even when she just walked) and she knew what se wanted and she was very very different from any other cat i ever met and you never felt alone with her and now the house is so quiet and i now i cant cry because thats is not good for my cancers and i dont know how to cry, its horribble in the house now even though i have one car left because hes a former wildcat end more private but over to the kidney update.

 

was supposed to make a biopsy went in believe it or not totally freaked and not even sure if that was the right thing to o becuase of afraid of my bad luck and that the needle biosy altthough its rare would spread cancer in me.  they was supposed to do it with ultrasound, the tried for a very long tim and kept putting that ultrasound thingy aorund me i have to hold my breath sometimed but eventually they gave up. Turns out my insides  (dont now the engligh word )where in the way so they idnt want to take the risk.

talked to a very good doctor afterwards and i think the kinda talking about two things now either some kinda ablation and biopsy when the do it or operation. i told him i wanted to do what was best and that i read that ablation was a little bit more unsafe than operation in form of recurrence but he told me that it depended on where the tumor (if it is one) sat and apparently mine is in the perfect spot for like 100%. on the plus side he told that i shouldnt worry at all for the possible tumor to be  a metasise because they looked different.  he also told ´me that if possible he thought i should wait another 3 months because of my other cancer operation because if this is turning out to be a operation that would be an easier one. He also said that when i tke ct in two weeks for lundnoduli they should take on my kidney also to see if it has grown and that ha wasnt afraid for me at all and that bloodtest show that my kidneys worked perfect now.  

 

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