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What cancer patients, their families, and caregivers need to know about COVID-19.

Feeling empty and alone

secondchances52918
Posts: 6
Joined: Aug 2018

11 1/2 weeks cancer free. Is it normal for my marriage to be in such a rocky state?  I feel the need to go out of our way to strengthen our bond as a couple. Take time for each other that doesn’t involve appointments and cancer. He seems more interested in making up for lost time being my caregiver, choosing to spend time doing things with friends, his children, or by himself. I feel like I’m on the sidelines watching him enjoy his life rather than celebrating this blessing we‘ve been given. 

a_oaklee
Posts: 499
Joined: Nov 2013

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I think having an illness changes family life, marriage in particular.  Some people get lovingly closer, and some have greater distance and disappointment.  

My husband was diagnosed 6 1/2 years ago.  He doesnt really talk about it and I thought if we ever had a problem like this we would handle it differently.  He has his way, and I have my way.  

Try to remember your husband is going through something too.  Ultimately you must take care of yourself and create your larger support system.  Friends, church, support groups, individual therapy, other family members etc..  

I hope it gets better and the two of you can talk it out.  Best wishes.

secondchances52918
Posts: 6
Joined: Aug 2018

Thank you for your insight to the “other” side. We are trying to talk our way through this. It doesn’t help that some of the things we enjoyed together pre-diagnosis are a struggle for me. Radiation has altered my taste in such a way the simply eating out gives me much anxiety. I will continue to work on my mental health and accepting that life is just differenT. Hopefully we can find our common ground. 

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1035
Joined: Aug 2013

I felt that way, but about my family, her family. Cindy was great for the 16 months after I was diagnosed, rock solid. Then when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, we were tight because we both were going through cancer. We got back to a kinda normal, for awhile, but as my recurrances came, then hers, we withdrew a bit. Then after 5 years of battling, came her final decline. I watched the world and our families on Facebook, the trips, the toys, all that we had to give up or couldn't afford. Except for my mom, sister, and niece showing up more than occassionally, the families rarely showed, friends even less, an hour stopby when it did happen. I was so cynical by then I no longer cared much for company, but it hurt that those she'd shown so much love to, were more concerned about not feeling bad then to try and help with some of the simple stuff. Now years past, I count who matters on my fingers, though I chat with and communicate with family and friends, it's a hollow association, a thing I do to feel human. I'd fight hard to reach your man and make him understand what you feel. It may seem unfair that your the one suffering this most, yet you have to reach out, but people are frightened creatures, and fighting for your relationship is still better than letting it slip away, and taking on the bitterness that I feel now about people in general, I trust few, and have little faith in humanity, though I still enjoy many parts of it. Tell him what you need, help him find fun in things you do together, however that may work. If he doesn't respond or change, you may have to re-evaluate your relationship, at some point. As the first responder said, relationships tend to go one way or the other under great stresses, but you shouldn't give up without trying, good luck.............................Dave 

secondchances52918
Posts: 6
Joined: Aug 2018

I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. A cancer journey definitely shows you your family and friends true colors. I too have realized some relationships just aren’t what I thought they were. I hope your days get better. Thank you for the advice. I’m trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings to my husband in hopes we can find a common ground. It doesn’t help that I’m fighting some depression issues also. The realization that life has become so different post-treatmen is something I’m struggling with. Please take care. 

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