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Spent the day in ER with my husband

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 682
Joined: May 2013

i woke up to hear him throwing up and super pale in incredible pain. I was afraid his biliary stent dislodged. After a waste of time ultrasound, they did a ct scan and it was not that or his liver. In fact all his liver functions look great, not pancreatitis either.  His white blood cell and neutrophil counts were elevated and he began to have diarrhea badly. He had it last weekend too but no nausea or pain. So they said he has colitis and gave him cipro and flagyl. Of course I am still in my mind sure it’s cancer related, because it always is. They seemed certain it wasn’t. I wonder if you ever stop thinking everything is cancer? Feeling sorry for us tonight no real reason just annoyed by the constant intrusion this disease makes in our life. 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I hope he's feeling better now, poor guy. Stomach issues are the worst.

I go through periods where I think everything is cancer. Last year I had an infection on my finger right beside my nail. At that time my friend's dog was diagnosed with nail bed cancer, which is very rare. But of course I was scared that I had it. It seems like every time I have a test and they tell me things look good I'm fine for a while but as time goes by I start to fret again. I hate the life sentence of this. 

Jan

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 682
Joined: May 2013

I am just mad trying not to be mean because I know it’s not his fault. I am just so tired of being in a constant state of worried and stressed. Also this is so stupid but my friend was getting of her hot tub and we were planning to take it. Now they told him the meds they put him on he can’t lift anything which makes getting it here impossible. also with his surgery coming he won’t be able to take care of it.  Dumb and selfish I know but another thing we miss out on. I have not said any of this to him. Just a pity party I guess.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

It's okay. You two are dealing with cancer. Life doesn't get much more stressful or difficult than that. It's normal to sometimes feel like 'why me?' or to resent how easy life seems for mostly everybody. Sometimes I get resentful of other people that don't have this worry and life changing event. It's not like it's going to go away some day. Even once we're told we're NED- if that happens- we still have to worry because there's no guarantee it won't come back. Or isn't actually still there. It takes over a million cancer cells to show up in tests. There's no break, no time you ever get to sit back and say "well, we made it". I'm sad that we'll never live in the country again and my horse has to be boarded. We used to have an acreage and wanted another one. But with my health issues I can't be counted on to take care of things and I can't expect my husband to do all that stuff, too, just for me. Not to mention that we can't possibly afford it now because I can't work.

You have to grieve for the loss of the life you'd imagined and were both robbed of. No matter how healthy he gets things will never, ever be the same again. The changes will go between slight and huge but there will be changes no matter what. And they won't likely be good changes. It's giving up dreams. I had my own business for 9 months before diagnosis. I had to sell the business and I so resent that. It was my dream. I have to accept that I had to give it up but at least I had it for a while. I did well and am still friends with people I met through it. I can't say that I never did get the opportunity. But it makes me so angry that it was taken away from me along with so many other things.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel badly. We've all been dealt a pretty rough hand and it's okay to be upset about it sometimes. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Jan 

abita's picture
abita
Posts: 928
Joined: Dec 2017

It takes a million cancer cells to show up in tests? what size is that?

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5335
Joined: Jan 2013

and I can't just have a normal cold, or tummy ache. In fact, i can't have anything unless I've done it myself. 

My latest fear whas the pain in my wrist. I was thinking bone cancer of course. I almost danced with joy when the Dr. told me it was broken. 

So what I am saying is, I doubt very much if we ever get past thinking every little ache or pain (let alone the real sicknesses) is Cancer. It is a life sentence. 

I was so caught up in my own illness, I confess I didn't give hubby and my boys a second thought. They seemed fine, so I figured they weren't concerned, but I bet they were. You concern is overwhelming, and I do so hope you can get to chill every now and again. Get away for a day. I know you have more on your hands than just your husbands condition. You are strong, but you need to take care of yourself every now and again. 

Thoughts are heading your way. 

Tru

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6652
Joined: Feb 2009

Bummer another set back that you really don't need or deserve.  It's so frustrating dealing with symptoms, not knowing if or when or what it is.  It's like can't we all just get back the "life" we just had before.  It just doesn't happen, not for me, not for you, not for any of us, sadly it just doesn't.  Some can move past it and it's in the back of their mind, but it's always there.  I'm hoping that the new diagnosis is right and he can move on from this and have his surgery next month.  Praying for you all.

Kim

PamRav's picture
PamRav
Posts: 288
Joined: Jan 2017

you and your husband are going through yet another set of worries and distress.  Have your pity party, you deserve it, then move on ( which I have no doubt you will). I hope you have someone supporting you, and that you have a chance to escape from this cancer from time to time.  Self care.  Don’t forget to take care of your self. 

And thankyou for sharing your side of this cancer journey. Like Tru mentioned in her post it’s real easy for those of us with the disease to forget about or down play the effect on our loved ones.  Wish all of us had someone as strong and loving as you In our lives 

peace and comfort  to you both

pam 

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 682
Joined: May 2013

i appreciate you understanding how I was feeling. I was much better after a semi decent nights sleep and spent the day catching up on the things I needed to do yesterday. I need to be better at not freaking out over every little thing. I also need to be better at caring for myself.  I am working on that daily.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6652
Joined: Feb 2009

You definitely need to pamper yourself once in awhile.  There are times when you just need to go do something special - don't feel guilty about it either.  You sound like a very wonderful person that gives their all just to make other's feel better - it's also a good thing for you to step back and take a breath sometime.  Hope hubby is feeling better.

Hugs! Kim

Macdougal's picture
Macdougal
Posts: 18
Joined: Dec 2017

i landed in the hospital for 6 days from a white blood cell crash. My WBC immediately started to recover and within a few days were back to reference range.  My point being that he may have picked up an infection while in the “trough”and by the time he got to  hospital his WBC had recovered.  An issue with this theory is he should have been running a high fever, that’s what sent me to the hospital for 6 days with a small intestine infection.  Took 3 more weeks to recover fully.  Lost almost 15 pounds.  Also his WBC were elevated quickly.

Just a theory that’s somewhat consistent with what you’re going through.  

Best of luck,

-Doug

 

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