Spent the day in ER with my husband

I hope he's feeling better now, poor guy. Stomach issues are the worst.

I go through periods where I think everything is cancer. Last year I had an infection on my finger right beside my nail. At that time my friend's dog was diagnosed with nail bed cancer, which is very rare. But of course I was scared that I had it. It seems like every time I have a test and they tell me things look good I'm fine for a while but as time goes by I start to fret again. I hate the life sentence of this. 

Jan

Ruthmomto4 said:

I think he is

I am just mad trying not to be mean because I know it’s not his fault. I am just so tired of being in a constant state of worried and stressed. Also this is so stupid but my friend was getting of her hot tub and we were planning to take it. Now they told him the meds they put him on he can’t lift anything which makes getting it here impossible. also with his surgery coming he won’t be able to take care of it.  Dumb and selfish I know but another thing we miss out on. I have not said any of this to him. Just a pity party I guess.

It's okay. You two are dealing with cancer. Life doesn't get much more stressful or difficult than that. It's normal to sometimes feel like 'why me?' or to resent how easy life seems for mostly everybody. Sometimes I get resentful of other people that don't have this worry and life changing event. It's not like it's going to go away some day. Even once we're told we're NED- if that happens- we still have to worry because there's no guarantee it won't come back. Or isn't actually still there. It takes over a million cancer cells to show up in tests. There's no break, no time you ever get to sit back and say "well, we made it". I'm sad that we'll never live in the country again and my horse has to be boarded. We used to have an acreage and wanted another one. But with my health issues I can't be counted on to take care of things and I can't expect my husband to do all that stuff, too, just for me. Not to mention that we can't possibly afford it now because I can't work.

You have to grieve for the loss of the life you'd imagined and were both robbed of. No matter how healthy he gets things will never, ever be the same again. The changes will go between slight and huge but there will be changes no matter what. And they won't likely be good changes. It's giving up dreams. I had my own business for 9 months before diagnosis. I had to sell the business and I so resent that. It was my dream. I have to accept that I had to give it up but at least I had it for a while. I did well and am still friends with people I met through it. I can't say that I never did get the opportunity. But it makes me so angry that it was taken away from me along with so many other things.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel badly. We've all been dealt a pretty rough hand and it's okay to be upset about it sometimes. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Jan 

JanJan63 said:

It's okay. You two are

It's okay. You two are dealing with cancer. Life doesn't get much more stressful or difficult than that. It's normal to sometimes feel like 'why me?' or to resent how easy life seems for mostly everybody. Sometimes I get resentful of other people that don't have this worry and life changing event. It's not like it's going to go away some day. Even once we're told we're NED- if that happens- we still have to worry because there's no guarantee it won't come back. Or isn't actually still there. It takes over a million cancer cells to show up in tests. There's no break, no time you ever get to sit back and say "well, we made it". I'm sad that we'll never live in the country again and my horse has to be boarded. We used to have an acreage and wanted another one. But with my health issues I can't be counted on to take care of things and I can't expect my husband to do all that stuff, too, just for me. Not to mention that we can't possibly afford it now because I can't work.

You have to grieve for the loss of the life you'd imagined and were both robbed of. No matter how healthy he gets things will never, ever be the same again. The changes will go between slight and huge but there will be changes no matter what. And they won't likely be good changes. It's giving up dreams. I had my own business for 9 months before diagnosis. I had to sell the business and I so resent that. It was my dream. I have to accept that I had to give it up but at least I had it for a while. I did well and am still friends with people I met through it. I can't say that I never did get the opportunity. But it makes me so angry that it was taken away from me along with so many other things.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel badly. We've all been dealt a pretty rough hand and it's okay to be upset about it sometimes. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Jan 

It takes a million cancer cells to show up in tests? what size is that?

you and your husband are going through yet another set of worries and distress.  Have your pity party, you deserve it, then move on ( which I have no doubt you will). I hope you have someone supporting you, and that you have a chance to escape from this cancer from time to time.  Self care.  Don’t forget to take care of your self. 

And thankyou for sharing your side of this cancer journey. Like Tru mentioned in her post it’s real easy for those of us with the disease to forget about or down play the effect on our loved ones.  Wish all of us had someone as strong and loving as you In our lives 

peace and comfort  to you both

pam 

Ruthmomto4 said:

Thank you ladies

i appreciate you understanding how I was feeling. I was much better after a semi decent nights sleep and spent the day catching up on the things I needed to do yesterday. I need to be better at not freaking out over every little thing. I also need to be better at caring for myself.  I am working on that daily.

You definitely need to pamper yourself once in awhile.  There are times when you just need to go do something special - don't feel guilty about it either.  You sound like a very wonderful person that gives their all just to make other's feel better - it's also a good thing for you to step back and take a breath sometime.  Hope hubby is feeling better.

Hugs! Kim