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Picking myself back up

Bex23
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2018

Hey guys, my name is Becca, I'm 24 and I'm recently in remission for type 2 NHL. Underwent 6 sessions of R-EPOCH in 4 months and got the all clear beginning of Jan. I'm having a really hard time trying to pick myself up and get back to my life. I had to quit my job since it was physically demanding and I didn't have enough energy to work during chemo. I also couldn't pay rent so my bf and I had to move far away and live with his parents for now until I can work full time again. My self-confidence is extremely low, I've gained a lot of weight and have been working out with no change, my hair is slowly growing back but I feel like a fat bald freak so I'm insecure about going to apply anywhere because I feel ugly and don't feel like I can accomplish anything anymore. I was a bit depressed before treatment but now I feel it's 10 times worse. I don't like how meds can change you or be addictive. I want to move forward and start to be happy with my supportive bf again but I cry everyday and it's hard to get up in the morning. Any advise. I just want to feel better. Also sorry for the long post, I'm new to all of this. Thank you

po18guy
Posts: 968
Joined: Nov 2011

You are a survivor. You have been strengthened through the process. Your major problem right now in your internal view of yourself. You are every bit as valuable, every bit as loved as you were before - probably more so, since your life was in danger. Give yourself time to adapt to your new life - one that is forever changed, and perhaps even changed for the better, becuase your entire perspective has been re-set. Dont think about "getting back to your old life." Why? What did that old life have in its futire? Lymphoma!

Rather, begin anew, as you already have, growing slowly as you did when you were a baby. You have a new lease on life and you just cannot jump in fully functional. Crawl, then walk. Know that love is the most powerful force on this earth. And, you know you are loved.

ShadyGuy
Posts: 350
Joined: Jan 2017

Prednisone is part of the chemo regime and that can cause some serious weight gain. Give it some time and watch your diet and that should go away. Hair will be back. And there is also “chemo fog” which affects your moods. Remember, you are only a freak if you believe you are, and I have a hunch you definitely are not.  These are the times that try men’ (and women’s) souls. Hang tough and things will improve, probably rather quickly. All my best to you.

Bex23
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2018

Thank you, that helps a lot. Before all of this I was looking to buy a house and now everything is pushed farther in the future since I couldn't work and had to use the money I had saved for the house. Since I have been diagnosed in August I have had to put house buying on hold, my car got stolen with most of my belongings, found it a week later but it was broken and everything I owned was gone, my 13 yr old lab died and my 1yr old puppy jumped the fence and got hit and killed by a car. I'm happy I'm alive and I know I will slowly get better, but I lost so much in a short amount of time. Heck to sum up the last 5 years, 2 friends died, my uncle died of pancreatic cancer, my dad committed suicide, lost our house, my grandma died, and then cancer, car stolen, loosing my two dogs, and quitting my job. Positives i met my bf and we got a new puppy. I know it'll get better, I'll eventually be able to work full time again, I'll eventually loose the weight, I'll buy a house at some point, my hair will grow back. It's just so hard waiting for all of those things to get better and waiting for me to get stronger and healthier. My bf helps me as much as he can, and I know I'm so loved by so many people. It's just so frustrating to feel so sad all the time and wait around to start feeling better and confident enough to start working and not mess up, especially when I'm so terrified that the cancer will come back or someone else I love will die. I see the positives in my life and I am so grateful for each of them, but it's so hard not to be scared and frustrated.

ShadyGuy
Posts: 350
Joined: Jan 2017

i understand about your dogs. I lost two in the past 2 years. One was my 16 yr old best friend. The other was 12 and died from bowel obstruction caused by eating a corn cob. Then my Mom, my only aunt, my sister, 3 first cousins and two great human friends also died. Slog on and things get better. You sound very intelligent and strong. This is just a low spot on your road to full recovery.

Bex23
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2018

Thank you, it's a long road

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 822
Joined: Mar 2013

Hi Becca, Congratulations on your remission!

I have a few thoughts for you. First one is the American Cancer Society's Look Good. . .Feel Better program. Look in the blue area of the sidebar at this site to find a program near you. It is completely free. They feature experts in the beauty and cosmetics field who hold classes. The best part is that you recieve a nice zippered travel toiletries bag filled with very nice, department store quality skin care and makeup. 

My next suggestion is to seek out the YMCA's Live Strong program. It is also free. It is a 12 week program to help rebuild confidence and strength after treatment. You also get free full access to the Y for the duration of the program and if you decide to join the YMCA after the program, your sign up fee ($100) is waived. 

Check with your local cancer center about a support group. Chances are that if you find a group, the members will likely be older than you are. That can be a good thing. You will be doted on and loved. And you will be an inspiration to others. We have a younger member in my group and we all love her so much. We would do anything for her.  

Take it easy on yourself. You have just completed major, major treatment for a very serious illness. You are obviously a strong person and you should feel proud of yourself. 

Hugs,

Rocquie

 

 

Bex23
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2018

Thank you, I will have to check those out.

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