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dying from cancer

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

Recent deaths hurt me. A few members have been here longer than me. But I'm sort of the last dinosaur. I started as the "Poster Boy" for potential to beat rcc. I have seen death and survived. Now it is like being in the final four. Scheduled to play against UConn. I manage to find ways to postpone the series but it is inevitable. Regulars know I'm a fighter but I've taken a beating. I am really pushing the "Nine lives" threshold. I am only 60-70% of the 220 pound weight traing distance runner, biker, physical therapist I once was.

I've spoken of my near death experience before. I don't think I've said everything.

I was admitted in feb. 2014 for intractable pain from my cervical canal tumors. By this time I had lost the use of my right arm and most of my left arm. Over the next couple weeks I experienced near death a half dozen times or more. There was no light at the end of a tunnel. There was a flickering light. As if you sat on the shore and across the lake a small campfire was burning out. All I could see was the light. Getting smaller and smaller. Like a star getting further and further away. It kept reducing in size. My life was being extinguished. I knew I could not let it get any smaller. I held on and focused. I heavily relied on my marathon training to hang on just a little longer. It was like knowing that with total committment I could take anything for another 30 seconds. But then they moved the finish line on me. No, 30 seconds isn't enough. It wasn't  a hundred yards. It was a quarter mile. I had to dig deeper.  nothing left. I knew I couldn't give up. Just how badly did I want to survive? Everything in my perception said just let go. It will all be over if I just let go.  It was like a stare down competition. Blink and you lose. I wouldn't blink. Focusing on the light I could eventually get it to grow. I didn't let my body quit. My world would come back into focus. I'd catch my breath. God, I'm still alive. The experience was always the same.

One aspect of those episodes was the strong physical sensation. I felt like a piece of metal being drawn against my control by a magnetic force. Like the Enterprise tractor beam pulling a Ferrengi ship. Slow and strong. Not at all like gravity. No speed change. No acceleration. Just a constant pull. I've wondered if I had let go, if I would have floated to the ceiling having an out of body experience people often talk about.

The other part was the total paralyzation during the experiences. I remember being unable to move anything. Not my arms, legs, eyes or mouth. This part still gives me the creeps.

Episodes became less intense until they went away completely.

I have always felt that GSRon and One putt had similar experiences when passing. I will bet Whitby and Rouska did too. Why am I still here? I had the tools to get me thru it. Maybe Someone else can gain strength to fight harder and survive knowing this. All my years of training paid off for me. And maybe, just maybe, I'll still be here when the next big cure comes along because of it. I want to be the "Poster Boy" again.

Hd67xlch's picture
Hd67xlch
Posts: 148
Joined: Apr 2016

I have no doubt you will be around when the big cure finally comes around, sorry but im no good at talking about **** like that. Ive been in three motorcycle accidents in the last 30 years, spent weeks in hospitals from them, not counting the cancer surgery time in hospitals. I never saw any light but I did see my life flash before me when I hit a deer in Darien GA back in the early 80s doing 60mph, broke both thigh bones on the handlebars, then landed 100 feet from the deer and the bike. Lifes a ***** sometimes, but thats when good drugs come in handy.

Bellafelice
Posts: 57
Joined: Sep 2008

Dear  Foxhd-Your post is so incredibly moving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Your over the top will to keep going is so touching-I just cant put into words how much i appreciate and feel empowered by your experiences. Thank you for being there to help encourage me and other people who are here to try to remain as focused and positive on keeping going -both as caregivers and their loved ones. In my book you "rock".

rhominator's picture
rhominator
Posts: 233
Joined: Nov 2015

Fox, thanks for your forthright posts and for blazing the trail for those that follow you. You're an inspiration in many ways.

stub1969's picture
stub1969
Posts: 844
Joined: Jul 2016

The loss of both Mark and Foots hit those of us that "knew" them pretty hard.  These were the first losses of people on the forum for me.  Fox, you and others have been at this much longer and have lost many more friends on this forum.  I can imagine that a stage 4 survivor, as you are,  these losses hit you at a different level than those of us at a different stage. 

I'm from a military family with my siblings (including myself) serving in one of the branches  One of my brothers recently retired from the Army Special Forces.  He served in many tours in the war against terror.  A couple times when he came home he told me about some close calls he'd had.  I won't go into those stories, but I will say he struggled with living, especially when some of the people he served with died.  He still fights those demons; I'm sure he always will.  He lives in a larger city now with his wife.  Since retiring, he gives back to local veterans suffering from PTSD and those badly injured while serving.  I think this is part of his healing.

I suppose those of us that are active on this forum are giving back in their own way.  Whether it is helping a newly diagnosed person come to grip with their new normal or helping a stage four survivor with questions around treatment options.   We're all terminal--that's part of life.  It's what we do with our time before our last breath that counts.  I know I can speak for many when I say that we appreciate the fact that you've dedicated some of your time to us.  

Take care,

Stub   

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

Fox: why are you still here when others have passed? I detect a bit of survivor-guilt in your post. I am not a religious person although my tendency is towards the spiritual; that tendency leads me to never ask why. My dad would always say that there was a day of death for each of us and when that day came, there was no escaping.

he was killed by a drunk driver who used his car as a deadly weapon; it was my son's 12th birthday. It was one of the most horrific experiences in my life but his belief in it being his day got me through it. I had breast cancer and have been a survivor since 1992. I have lost many friends diagnosed after me. Many had cell transplants and still died. So, I get the survivor guilt and had to remind myself to not ask why.

the loss of Mark and Foots within days of each other rocks us all; having my husband camping and being active with stage 4 cancer is both a blessing and a feeling of why cannot be avoided so again I remind myself not to ask why.

your journey is not done, Fox; there is still work for you to do and that includes being the poster boy. Stay tuned....

Sarah

sucotai
Posts: 19
Joined: Jan 2017

As someone training to be a palliative care physician (such irony), I thought that I have seen enough to let myself make peace of death. Except I probably will never know how I will really feel until I come to that point. It has always been a bizarre feeling to see people become pulseless in front of me, and makes me wonder what it would be like at that moment before they stop breathing. Maybe that's what drew me into palliative care in the first place, that feeling of uncertainty, the fear of unknown, and the desire to try to make sense of everything. But I don't think it can ever be made sense of.

^Completely unrelated to your post (which was amazing), I'm just rambling, bad day at work today. Either way, we all have survivor's guilt. I have that every time when I see someone even younger than me come into palliative care. That's just life, really really weird life.

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

I think Sarah said it perfectly. Your journey is simply not done. And I don't think it'll be done for a long time. 

Wife of kidney cancer fighter's picture
Wife of kidney ...
Posts: 43
Joined: Mar 2017

Hang in there! your post is so moving! Praying for you! 

marosa's picture
marosa
Posts: 333
Joined: Feb 2015

That's all that I can say!

sandy23
Posts: 143
Joined: Jan 2017

I have been thinking since yesterday of a fitting way to respond to your post.  Nothing seems to be able to live up to the help and guidance that you have given me and my family.  Even though we may not "know" each other, you have touched my heart and will always remain there.  

And remember, a very wise man said, "It's not dying from cancer, it's living with cancer".

pamstayner's picture
pamstayner
Posts: 111
Joined: Apr 2014

Foxie.. you are the guy.  You are the guy living with cancer.  I do NOT like your headline, dying with cancer.  Don't ever post that one again.  Because you are one of the most vocal on CSN, and we lost other vocal pilars over the last few years... and month, do not  go thinking you are the oldest dino-sour left on the site, and go getting soft on us.  We all are realizing the need to step up, and share the needs of those new to the site.  Looks to me like we need to shore up the old pilars too.  Stop the negative vibes.  Take a few days to sit out in the sun and know that there are many many here who are now of better mind and spirit because of you... and you know what? Together I want to be here to share the cure with everyone.  

If you get a smile on that face... you will be a "Poster Boy" again.

Pam...aka.. an old broad !  

 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

Sandy and Pam, you said what I can't put into words that well but was thinking.

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 902
Joined: Nov 2014

You usually say FLY (Fox loves you). Lets say FWLY -Fox, we love you. 

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

Foxy, we are all very grateful that you are still with us. You are mentor, a rock, an inspiration. We have lost some very wonderful members...and it hurts. Having you here, after all you have been through, is such a comfort to me. And gives us all so much hope and belief.

When I was in my twenties, I always felt that I wouldn't live a long life....then later went through a period in my life where I had to talk myself into staying on this earth. Every day. Thankfully that dark period in my life passed (along with a miserable marriage). But I think because of my period of dark despair, I forgot about that former feeling of not living a long life...until I was diagnosed with cancer. As I remembered that, I felt a little shock, wondering if it was a premonition that I had in my twenties. But 3 years out of diagnosis, I have been incredibly blessed. Although stage 3, I have not had any recurrences, or any challenges as so many of you had. Sarah mentioned "survivors guilt"...I think I might have a form of that. No treatment necessary, other than nephrectomy, no suffering like so many cancer patients have endured. Some friends here also have other serious illnesses that they also have to contend with. But what we do with all of this is what shapes us into who we are. I believe that also ties in with our "day of death" ...we are here for a reason, we should do our best with what we have been dealt with in life. It isn't always easy, but it can make a huge difference in our lives and positively touch other people's lives. You have positively touched our lives with your story and your compassion, Foxy - as well as so many other CSN members have here.

Here's to "sharing the cure" (thanks Pam!).

Hugs

Jojo

 

 

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 924
Joined: Mar 2012

I was so bummed to check in today to find that we lost two dear ones. Mark and Peter.  I feel so sad each time we lose another.  There are so many fighters on this board and that makes me so happy. There are new medicines and new ways to treat cancer (i hate that word) and they are not far off.  Keep digging, keep searching, keep fighting for new ways. 

Fox, i send my love to you. I know how strong you are and i know that you will be here for the next drug that comes along.  There has been so many commercials out there for many. I have to admit that i have not been following the new drugs as i am dealing with my own issues at the moment.  My mom is still on Votrient and it is taking it's toll on her after 5 years.  But, she is soon to turn 85, so i guess that is a good thing. Each day i tell her to think about life and keep pushing for that morning sun.  For everyone on these boards, keep pushing for that morning sun. Hugs and love to all!  Love you Fox!  Going to miss seeing Mark and Peter, along with TJ, TW, Oneputt, Ron, Neil, Alex and a few others. But celebrating all those who are here now.  Ange

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

even I go through tough stretches. My 6 year anniversary. Cabo se's. Too many new members. Less old ones. Birthday. Fatigue. Bones hurt. Forgetful. Frustration with hand function and sensation. Broke. Yes, survivors guilt. Been cranky. Snow. It does all cycle and sometimes it's like Murphy's law and happens all at once.

Good news: Latest blood work is excellent. Scans stable or better. I still have plenty to look forward to.

FLY my friends!

 PS, I had wanted to express my closeness to recent events. But for the record, Yes, I am LIVING! oh yeah, with cancer

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 924
Joined: Mar 2012

Excellent news, Fox! Excellent news!  No guilt please, you go through enough.  I know you are looking forward to the Spring and warmer weather and possibly riding your bike?  Praying for you to feel better! Keep trucking! ELY!  Everyone Loves Fox!

Ange

Ree_Maryland's picture
Ree_Maryland
Posts: 158
Joined: May 2014

FOX so happy you are on the mend again . I had my scans this morning and have some more on Monday ,than to the dr the 5th of April . nervous as all get up ,your last post here is a big help to me and others im sure.  

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1325
Joined: Oct 2013

I JUST LOVE YOU FOXIE BABY!!

 

Hugs, Jan

Steve.Adam's picture
Steve.Adam
Posts: 460
Joined: Oct 2016

I wish I could say something profound about life and death but I just don't know anything. Some people come back from the edge with amazing stories. I'd like to have an experience like that but not enough to suffer the illness or injury that goes with it.

I've always had an interest in philosophy and religion, to a lesser extent. But I've no idea how any of life's big questions might be answered. Meaning and purpose of life? No idea. Don't even ask me.

But I do know that it is good to be alive. There are many forms of suffering that can take that away. Right now I am lucky enough to not know any of them, and I feel very grateful for that. It may not always be so.

Most people would find my life quite dull, I think, and from a distance perhaps even somewhat empty. Now that I'm pretty much recovered from surgery I guess it's time to get back into 'normal life'...

But right here, right now... I just like being alive. It is such a simple yet strong feeling that I have no words for it.

Steve.

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

Fox, great news! And this is an amazing thread with so many deep thoughts. LTA (love to all)

Deanie0916
Posts: 262
Joined: Nov 2016

your thoughts, Fox. Your comments have always helped me pushed me to think of the positive side of things, I am grateful for you. I am a newbie here but I hope that my posts can help others here like yours, Mark's and Footstompers have helped so many.

Steve.Adam's picture
Steve.Adam
Posts: 460
Joined: Oct 2016

My neighbour Kev took me out for a meal at the local pub. He's 87 and has black lung disease from 29 years working in underground coal mines.

A man and woman both in their late 60s walked in. It's a small town and they both know Kev, who has lived in the area for his whole life.

They haven't seen each other for a while so everyone's recent stories were told. It turned out that all of us had been close to dying recently. Mine was the least of the stories, but I told them for completeness.  Kev, for example, had died and been revived three times in an ambulance on the way to hospital. That cost him three broken ribs. 

Kev and I had no near death experiences to report but the woman and her husband both had experiences.

The husband said that he had found himself in a room full of people but didn't know anyone there so he came back. He said he'd seen aliens. 'They were people but not people, if you understand me.'

Her story was the more standard tale of a tunnel with a light at the end and figures in white with yellow flowers coming towards her calling her name.

Several people have told me such stories.  I never really know what to make of them but I am sure they are not lies or jokes. Who knows. Anyway, it reminded me of this thread.

Steve.

Qt34167's picture
Qt34167
Posts: 41
Joined: Nov 2015

Fox Hang in there!!!!!  I can't imagine what you are going through but realize unless a cure is found, then that is in my future.

All my experience with cancer has been Lung cancer, my father, mother, brother four uncles and two first cousins.  All diagnosed with stage 4 Lung and not one had a good day till thew day they died within one year of diagnosis.

When I was diagnosed with stage 4 RCC I wasn't going to do anything. I was aware of the five year mortaality rates which sounded just like my families Lung Cancer stats.

I did the IL2 which didnt work but have been on Sutent for two years now.  It is not all rosey but I have had some good times with the bad.  I had recent setback with a liver procedure to kill five big tumors.  It worked but some coomplications has whipped me down for the past three months; been a shutin.  I am looking for the light when I gett some more good times. I have been riding my motorcycle when I can and living my bucket list.

Fox, hang in there!

Pandabear1011
Posts: 123
Joined: Jun 2014

Wonderful news, Foxy!! PLYRB...:)

ambava33's picture
ambava33
Posts: 74
Joined: Feb 2017

So happy your bloodwork came back excellent and I agree with everything hitting you at once, even the strongest of people get down at times. You can't be human if you don't get a little depressed here an there. The huge thing is that you pull yourself out of it and see what you have to live for today! Sounds to me like you have a lot to live for today and yes it may be with cancer but not a lot of people living with cancer are actually living! I am new to this site but you are by far one of the most vocal and have commented on almost all my posts and helped me get thru a bad moment. I feel in my heart you have a lot of years left! Thanks for all your words of wisdom to everyone on this forum. Smile

Skagway Jack's picture
Skagway Jack
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2013

Fox,   Thanks for sharing more of your story.  You are indeed an inspiration to all of us here on the forum.   Great News on your latest test and looking forward to more positive returns.

 

Jack

tracylev
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2017

Hi, I just read Your post about your NDE'S. Were you scared? Was it spiritual at all? Do you believe there is something after death? I think about these things sometimes and it scares me. My Doctor said I have 2-3 years probably and I've passed the 1 year point. After reading stories here and on smart patients I think I can do better than 2-3 years. People like you and others have been through a lot worse than me. You are still around to talk about it and to find hope, so I'm not that fatalistic anymore. But I know it will come eventually. Who knows when or even how.

Tracy

lobbyist0724's picture
lobbyist0724
Posts: 405
Joined: Sep 2016

Fox, good to hear the news! I am sure most of us here look at you as a leader to lead us to fight this beast! We lost two veterans but the war is not over, hang in there.

sandy23
Posts: 143
Joined: Jan 2017

to share my experience.  It wasn't related to kidney cancer but I assume it is as good as any near death experience.  The gentlemen are warned that there is some "girl" stuff in this post.

After giving birth to my last child, I started to hemorrhage quite badly.  I was losing blood very quickly and, as odd as it sounds, I could feel the life leaving my body.  I wouldn't say that I was floating, but somehow knew what everyone was doing in the room.  I could see the nurses running around behind me, even though there was no possible way that I could see them from where I was lying in the bed.  I recognize the feeling that Fox spoke of about feeling paralyzed.  But it wasn't scary at all in my case.  It was, and I know this sounds weird but it was as if moving my body parts had been a job that I was doing throughout my life, like that part of my job was done and it felt good because I was moving in a way that was so free that it made my body feel like a confinement of sorts.  I felt so at peace, like I was wrapped in the most warm, comfortable blanket you could ever imagine.

Then I thought of that baby lying a few feet away and the 2 year old one at home and knew that I had to come back for them.  They needed me.  But, honestly, I wanted to stay in that feeling a while longer.  I knew I was going back to a body that experienced pain and fear.  And where I was at, there was none of that.

I am definitely not trying to sound like I have all the answers or even any answers at all about what comes next.  But I no longer fear death, just the unknown path that takes me there.

Steve.Adam's picture
Steve.Adam
Posts: 460
Joined: Oct 2016

Hi Sandy,

To me your experience is better because I know you, however distantly. It is worth more to me than anything I read in a book. Thank you for sharing it. :-)

And thanks to you too, Fox.

Steve.

 

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

When our members pass on I relive their last moments. The process of letting go is natural. Exhale, relax, and go. No yelling, screaming or kicking. Nothing to feel but the force pulling your birth certificate. Quite different than the experience of sudden death from trauma or acute injury.  No life flashing before your eyes. At the end it just feels right to expire. Nothing like hitting a deer on a Harley.

I think I'm spiritual. I live as a christian but I'm not religious. Karma on the other hand is something that I strongly believe in. I think that gives me another advantage. 

If ashes to ashes and dust to dust is all there is. I'd rather stay here. I think a strong belief in God and heaven takes away some peoples resistence to dying. I don't buy into "They are in a better place now". It is here or nowhere. There was never anything besides the dwindling light I focused on. No people from my past to welcome me. No angels. No spiritual experience what so ever. So I don't want to enter that black hole. I'll stay here thank you.

Being afraid is guaranteed. The process leading up to the moment before it is becomes irreversible is frightening. The point of no return is different.  Nothing but peace and relaxation. (or was it paralysis?). It was so much like  a child or puppy unable to keep themselves awake when fatique hits. I know that for me, I just was not ready. I have things to do and people to see. Maybe I even screwed up karma a bit because I've a few chapters to write before completing the last page that is already written. It's my good fortune that my death was written in pencil and not dated and notorized.

 

JerzyGrrl's picture
JerzyGrrl
Posts: 760
Joined: Jun 2016

Fox, this is a beautiful practice. It's one I definitely think I'll look to incorporating into my own spiritual practices. Thank you.

I've often done breath meditations, sitting with someone who's ill or dying, matching my breathing to theirs, but I've always been right there with them.  It can get pretty tricky with someone who's near death, because... they're not breathing very often, but I do what I can.  When I've been with those who were struggling, restless, and/or in pain, I've tried the zen meditation where my breathing is opposite to their breathing, being open to taking in their pain and fear on the inhale, exhaling and exchanging it only for peace... but ARGH. This is a really tough one for me to do for an extended period of time, and I always seem to end up reverting to matching their breathing with relaxing breaths. I'm not sure if that ends up helping them -- or me -- more... probably the latter, but I hope there's something in it for them (Yes, I know this is a "tough" meditation to tackle).

I've had a couple of not-done-for-yet medical episodes. One involved an epi-pen (among other things). At the beginning, I was keenly aware of how cold and hard the tile floor was beneath me. Then I wasn't, but like you mentioned, I was ever so much at peace and it felt so right and comfy to just go ahead and fall asleep.  I didn't see any tunnel, but it was dark (until it started to get a wee bit lighter, almost like just before dawn). Then I started my re-entry and heard the doctor say, "I am so disappointed we didn't think to video this," which was pretty funny (even if I was still far from the laughing stage).

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

I read your post a couple of times to make sure I understood your thought; I agree with much of them. I have never experienced a dying situation myself but I think it is as simple as letting go and that's it.

i have read that the light seen by many in near-death experiences may be a result of endorphins; my mom just slipped away at 96 a few years ago. She took care of her baby brother (17) when he was struck with cancer. She was pregnant with me at the time. During his last weeks, his heart stopped and the doctors brought him back. He told my mom that he had been walking down a beautiful flower-filled path and given her baby his eyes. I heard this  all of my life and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, for a moment I thought that perhaps he had passed the cancer on me as well as his eyes. 

I too really dislike the saying "in a better place"; no one really has a clue of that place. Perhaps all that is meant no more pain but I hear this in other deaths and it's very off-putting.

my 2 cents for whatever it's worth but again you have posted a lot of thought-provoking ideas here.

thanks

Sarah

CRashster's picture
CRashster
Posts: 234
Joined: Mar 2017

We're all vapors. Life looks different to me, now that I joined this club. I don't want to die, but I like to think I'll be ready to go when it's time. Whether it's 2 or 20 years. I'm wearing this old body out until there's nothing left. I see on TV, there's some medicene promising you'll "live years longer" by taking whatever it is. I don't want years longer. I want everyday that I'm supposed to have. Nothing more, nothing less.

faithlou's picture
faithlou
Posts: 41
Joined: Jan 2013

Oh Foxy.....don't make me cry now.  Remember ...one day at a time.   I try not to look down the road too much.  Who knows what, when and how things will happen?  This roller coaster is a difficult ride.  I'm living longer than anyone told me I would and feeling thankful for that! But sometimes I get sick and tried of all the all the things we go through to stay in the game, especially on those days when I'm not feeling well.  For now I will sux it up.  Enjoy time with the family. Fight as long as I have it in me and then a little bit more.  And have my bags packed just in case.  I am not afraid of where I'm going, just not crazy about the route.

Oh.. by the way....I don't like it when people say "they fought a good fight". There is nothing good about this stuff.

So Foxy ....

Dylan said it best... (not Bob, Dylan Thomas, but I like Bob a lot.)  :)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light....

Watch that movie Back to School, it is always a good laugh.

DMike's picture
DMike
Posts: 259
Joined: Nov 2011

I like a line from one of Willie's recent songs: I woke up still not dead again today.

After 5+ years of fighting this mess, that line makes me smile. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences Fox.

David

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 775
Joined: Oct 2014

I wasn't around for less than a month and now I see that we've lost both Mark and Foots. Can't believe it. so hard to take the news, Fox ,you're the one who always cheers others up. Now it's time that let us cheer you up. You're our beloved Fox and we'll be with you all the way wishing you best. keep in mind that every one in this forum loves you and I personally have learned how to live with cancer by your positive attitue. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us

Forough

 

Abunai's picture
Abunai
Posts: 173
Joined: Oct 2016

I'm very glad you're still with us, Fox.

I enjoy your wisdom, insightfulness, and fighting spirit.

CRashster's picture
CRashster
Posts: 234
Joined: Mar 2017

I've been thinking about this alot. I've been thinking about how hard it must be watching members drop one by one. I understand how hard it must be for the members that have been here longer. I've only been here a short time, maybe a couple months. I found this group post surgery. Everything that is said means alot. I see new members coming in scared and rermeber how scary it was for me. I read posts from older membrs talking about everything they have been through. And thats where this is coming from. At first, I hoped a had a couple years left, thats all I could see. After all, cancer is a death sentence, isn't it? Then I see people like fox and jan and other members, living with this disease. It gives me hope. I know the pain probably makes you want to leave. I hope you don't. For myself and every new member that comes in here scared. We need to hear from you and all the survivors. We need to see what is possible, not probable. We need to think that maybe we have years left too. Thank you for being there.

tracylev
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2017

Your messages are inspirational. Thank you,

Tracy

DAC677's picture
DAC677
Posts: 60
Joined: Feb 2017

I have always enjoyed reading your posts.

I think we all have spent a good deal of time thinking about death, especially those with higher stages.

I think its weird that i enjoy sharing my thoughts on death with friends and family (ill right it down here sometime) because ive come to have some very positive thoughts about my life and spirituality that ive been granted an opportunity to exaimne that most people dont. I dont want to die and i told my daughter im very hard to kill, but i wouldnt die with a host of regrets or asking god "why me".

However as positive as a place we get in sometimes we have low moments. Wednesday a lady I work with just announced she is going into hospice through her caring bridge account. She is barely 40 and has young children and it devestates me. she was diagnosed a year ahead of me. Consider tomorrow is all my 90 day scans, brain, bones, lung, chest lower abdomen the timing sucked. bu then i feel bad and selfish because the timing was much worse for her.

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