dying from cancer

Dear  Foxhd-Your post is so incredibly moving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Your over the top will to keep going is so touching-I just cant put into words how much i appreciate and feel empowered by your experiences. Thank you for being there to help encourage me and other people who are here to try to remain as focused and positive on keeping going -both as caregivers and their loved ones. In my book you "rock".

The loss of both Mark and Foots hit those of us that "knew" them pretty hard.  These were the first losses of people on the forum for me.  Fox, you and others have been at this much longer and have lost many more friends on this forum.  I can imagine that a stage 4 survivor, as you are,  these losses hit you at a different level than those of us at a different stage. 

I'm from a military family with my siblings (including myself) serving in one of the branches  One of my brothers recently retired from the Army Special Forces.  He served in many tours in the war against terror.  A couple times when he came home he told me about some close calls he'd had.  I won't go into those stories, but I will say he struggled with living, especially when some of the people he served with died.  He still fights those demons; I'm sure he always will.  He lives in a larger city now with his wife.  Since retiring, he gives back to local veterans suffering from PTSD and those badly injured while serving.  I think this is part of his healing.

I suppose those of us that are active on this forum are giving back in their own way.  Whether it is helping a newly diagnosed person come to grip with their new normal or helping a stage four survivor with questions around treatment options.   We're all terminal--that's part of life.  It's what we do with our time before our last breath that counts.  I know I can speak for many when I say that we appreciate the fact that you've dedicated some of your time to us.  

Take care,

Stub   

As someone training to be a palliative care physician (such irony), I thought that I have seen enough to let myself make peace of death. Except I probably will never know how I will really feel until I come to that point. It has always been a bizarre feeling to see people become pulseless in front of me, and makes me wonder what it would be like at that moment before they stop breathing. Maybe that's what drew me into palliative care in the first place, that feeling of uncertainty, the fear of unknown, and the desire to try to make sense of everything. But I don't think it can ever be made sense of.

^Completely unrelated to your post (which was amazing), I'm just rambling, bad day at work today. Either way, we all have survivor's guilt. I have that every time when I see someone even younger than me come into palliative care. That's just life, really really weird life.

Hang in there! your post is so moving! Praying for you! 

I have been thinking since yesterday of a fitting way to respond to your post.  Nothing seems to be able to live up to the help and guidance that you have given me and my family.  Even though we may not "know" each other, you have touched my heart and will always remain there.  

And remember, a very wise man said, "It's not dying from cancer, it's living with cancer".

Sandy and Pam, you said what I can't put into words that well but was thinking.

Foxy, we are all very grateful that you are still with us. You are mentor, a rock, an inspiration. We have lost some very wonderful members...and it hurts. Having you here, after all you have been through, is such a comfort to me. And gives us all so much hope and belief.

When I was in my twenties, I always felt that I wouldn't live a long life....then later went through a period in my life where I had to talk myself into staying on this earth. Every day. Thankfully that dark period in my life passed (along with a miserable marriage). But I think because of my period of dark despair, I forgot about that former feeling of not living a long life...until I was diagnosed with cancer. As I remembered that, I felt a little shock, wondering if it was a premonition that I had in my twenties. But 3 years out of diagnosis, I have been incredibly blessed. Although stage 3, I have not had any recurrences, or any challenges as so many of you had. Sarah mentioned "survivors guilt"...I think I might have a form of that. No treatment necessary, other than nephrectomy, no suffering like so many cancer patients have endured. Some friends here also have other serious illnesses that they also have to contend with. But what we do with all of this is what shapes us into who we are. I believe that also ties in with our "day of death" ...we are here for a reason, we should do our best with what we have been dealt with in life. It isn't always easy, but it can make a huge difference in our lives and positively touch other people's lives. You have positively touched our lives with your story and your compassion, Foxy - as well as so many other CSN members have here.

Here's to "sharing the cure" (thanks Pam!).

Hugs

Jojo

foxhd said:

You know...

even I go through tough stretches. My 6 year anniversary. Cabo se's. Too many new members. Less old ones. Birthday. Fatigue. Bones hurt. Forgetful. Frustration with hand function and sensation. Broke. Yes, survivors guilt. Been cranky. Snow. It does all cycle and sometimes it's like Murphy's law and happens all at once.

Good news: Latest blood work is excellent. Scans stable or better. I still have plenty to look forward to.

FLY my friends!

 PS, I had wanted to express my closeness to recent events. But for the record, Yes, I am LIVING! oh yeah, with cancer

FOX so happy you are on the mend again . I had my scans this morning and have some more on Monday ,than to the dr the 5th of April . nervous as all get up ,your last post here is a big help to me and others im sure.  

I wish I could say something profound about life and death but I just don't know anything. Some people come back from the edge with amazing stories. I'd like to have an experience like that but not enough to suffer the illness or injury that goes with it.

I've always had an interest in philosophy and religion, to a lesser extent. But I've no idea how any of life's big questions might be answered. Meaning and purpose of life? No idea. Don't even ask me.

But I do know that it is good to be alive. There are many forms of suffering that can take that away. Right now I am lucky enough to not know any of them, and I feel very grateful for that. It may not always be so.

Most people would find my life quite dull, I think, and from a distance perhaps even somewhat empty. Now that I'm pretty much recovered from surgery I guess it's time to get back into 'normal life'...

But right here, right now... I just like being alive. It is such a simple yet strong feeling that I have no words for it.

Steve.