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Scared to feel good

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1479
Joined: Oct 2015

Since the beginning of December, I've been feeling better and better.  Some of it is, I'm sure, having my thyroid medication raised substantially.  But I think the other reason is because it's been a year since my last chemo and I'm FINALLY healing from the damage - I noticed on Saturday I was using my left hand to eat again (I'm ambidextrous but after the neuropathy I thought I'd never use my left hand equally with my right again).  I also noticed that I can read a book without having to write down the main characters or go back and reread.  In my heyday, I could read a book a day - now I'm down to one every two days but, a year ago, I couldn't read a book a week!

So, what's the problem??  I'm scared that if I let up my guard and feel TOO good, I'll be punished by the cancer coming back because I see so many recurrences here!  When I was feeling miserable I didn't worry too much about it coming back because I couldn't have felt much worse.  But, now that I'm feeling pretty dang good, I'm scared.  I don't want to lose "this" again.  I'm not a superstitious person or a religious person and I know, in my head, I can't jinx myself so, then, why do I feel like this??  I was putting away the Christmas decorations this morning and I thought I should check all the lights so next year blah blah blah.  Then I thought I probably won't even be here next year!  Why would that pop into my head??  UGGGGG!  

I check this board every day and I have come to the conclusion, I don't think it's good for my mental health right now.  I try to be supportive as so many of you were supportive to me but as my oncologist's PA said, the women who get better tend to move on and it skews your view.  So, I'm going to take a break for awhile from the Facebook support group and here.  If you need to get in touch with me, please send me a message - it goes right to my email.  I love you all and this doesn't mean I don't wish you all the very best because I truly do.

Love,

Eldri

MAbound
Posts: 1153
Joined: Jun 2016

You'll be missed Eldri, but it's a smart move for you to live your life without thinking constantly about what scares you. You are probably what I'd call "gun shy" after what you've had to live through and you deserve to be able to enjoy what you've endured so much to achieve. Thank you for not just dissappearing on us, though! You know we'd be worried if you did that! Enjoy yourself and feel free to chime in whenever you'd like. God bless you and keep you dancing with NED! <grin> Love you tons! Pat

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2915
Joined: Mar 2013

Eldri, you can't help anyone unless you help yourself, right?  I understand the break and think you are making a good decision.  I remember there were posts I couldn't read when I first joined because I couldn't accept this - so we all have to do what is best for us.  

Please take care of yourself.  You deserve time for YOU.  

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1802
Joined: Jun 2015

Dear Eldri,

Thanks very much for letting us know. We always need to do what is best for us first. You will be missed.

Now, I'm so happy that you are feeling better. It seems like that 1 year marker makes a huge difference. While I didn't have nearly the issues that you had to endure, I have noticed a marked improvement in my stamina. Almost like a light switch. Anyway, I hope you find a sense of peace and can put all of this behind you are just live your best life. Take care my friend.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

 

 

 

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 903
Joined: Jun 2015

Eldri, I understand completely.  While I still check this board every day, I am not on multiple times during the day as I was.  We'll miss you, but we know you're still around.  You've got to do what's right for you.

Hugs,

Chris

Nellasing
Posts: 529
Joined: Oct 2016

DITTO what everyone else has said.  Wishing you SO MUCH peace, happiness and continued feeling better!!!  We will miss you and so glad you didn't just disappear and leave us wondering.  (((HUGS)))

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

I certainly understand the needing a break and you deserve one.  You have been through a lot.  I am so glad that you are starting to feel better.  Maybe now you can put the big C behind you.  May you always dance with good old MR. NED.

Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Soup52's picture
Soup52
Posts: 906
Joined: Jan 2016

Embarassed

Best wishes Eldri! We will miss you, but you must do what is good for you. Go out and enjoy life

bluesmama
Posts: 124
Joined: Aug 2014

Hey EZ. You probably won't see this and that's totally ok. I did the same thing. And what I've discovered is should you ever come back, even if just to say hello, we'll be here. 

ConnieSW
Posts: 1576
Joined: Jun 2012

I've had to take breaks from time to time, so totally understand.  I wish you the very best and have enjoyed being part of your life, even under these awful circumstances.

Anonymous user (not verified)

I stopped posting on the site for the same reason.  I'm not all clear, having some pains which I imagine is a recurrance, but can't be worried until it's diagnosed.  However, I refuse to feel bad, and I hate that I can't be a cheerleader for the new ones.  I appreciate all the members that stick it out, but It takes a lot out of me to be cheerful, helpful, when I just want to forget(?).  Thank you all who are healthier than I, or have more courage than I, for being there.  I do read the posts, just don't contribute.  And all in all, I might be OK?  Hugs Nancy

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 996
Joined: Feb 2015

It is so good to hear from you.  Don't waste any precious time worrying about things you don't know about.  Just enjoy your time feeling better.  Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Anonymous user (not verified)

There are several "old timers" (not in age, but in battling this cancer), that I admire.  You are one of them, who inspire me to not give up, to always look for the sun, and I hope and wish the best for you.  Hugs Nancy

NoTimeForCancer's picture
NoTimeForCancer
Posts: 2915
Joined: Mar 2013

Nancy, as soon as I saw "Donswife48" I thought, "Donswife!!!!"  Thanks for checking in and go enjoy life!!!  

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1802
Joined: Jun 2015

Glad to hear from you Nancy. I hope you find those pains to be nothing but birthday accumulations! :-)

We all have our limits on providing support while dealing with our own "stuff"!  I hope you find sunshine every day.

Thanks for posting. It was really nice to see you.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

janaes
Posts: 800
Joined: May 2016

I will miss you.  Those darn reacurances bothered me too.  I had to avoid them at times.  I understand that you need to get off.  You might not even read this and thats okay. 

Kvdyson's picture
Kvdyson
Posts: 789
Joined: Jan 2016

Eldri, maybe we should just think of it as "graduating"? You're moving on but will always be an important part of this board. Come back and visit whenever you like - or not - I think we all get it.

It's great to have experienced so many of us graduating from needing so much support and then moving on to bigger and better things. I've even noticed myself tapering off my visits as my "normal" life has started taking more of my time. 

Good luck to you, Eldri and best wishes for a fun, long and wonderful life! Kim

derMaus's picture
derMaus
Posts: 561
Joined: Nov 2016

"Graduating" is a wonderful term. You can 'graduate' but still go back and see your old friends if you like! I'm also glad to hear from you - was wondering if everything was OK. I always struggle with how much time I'm spending in my real life (vs. Cancerville), and you and Eldri have given me some good insights. 

beccabtown's picture
beccabtown
Posts: 234
Joined: May 2016

Good luck, Eldri! Wishing you a long and happy life with no recurrences.

Scotgirl's picture
Scotgirl
Posts: 31
Joined: Oct 2016

Eldri, I am not yet in your position but look forward to feeling good again physically. My last chemo will be Jan 31st and although I dropped Taxol from my combo of Carbol/Taxol this past treatment, I may also opt out on the last Carbo only infusion. My medical oncologist brought up the next phase of recovery this past treatment and discussed with me how difficult it can be, that is, dealing with the completion of treatment. She suggested seeking out a follow up program that will help deal with what you are experiencing. I do believe I will enroll in a program that will give me the psychological tools to help me enjoy the future I have worked so hard to obtain, I don't want to waste another moment waiting . . . Enjoy your well being now, you've earned it! 

rcdeman
Posts: 263
Joined: Aug 2016

Dear Eldri, you've been one of those constants that have been so encouraging to not only me but to many more around here. Your voice here on the forums will definitely be missed, but I understand your concern. I just hope that you come back again once in a while to keep us updated on how you are.

I thank you for all the help and support you've given to me and my mom.

Love,
Rebecca

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