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Having a bad day

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 901
Joined: Jun 2015

Actually, a bad week.  I'm not sure what's going on.  Maybe it's my upcoming 3 month appointment and the next scan.  Maybe it's reading on here that some of our sisters have had recurrences.  Maybe it's because it's beginning to feel like fall here which always feels like the end of something to me.

Every little ache and pain is freaking me out.  If my back hurts, I'm convinced something's wrong with my kidneys. Ever since a mild bout of constipation a couple of weeks ago, things just haven't felt quite right.  I'm getting an odd occasional sensation of pressure in the vaginal area.  I am just really stressed at the moment, and this is not like me.  I just want to roll up in a ball and cry.

I just hate that we are all having to deal with this stuff.  I hate that I was always so healthy and had what I thought were healthy habits, and yet ended up with an aggressive cancer.  I hate that we can do all of the treatments that are recommended and still have recurrences.  I hate cancer.

And I hate feeling like this.  I emailed my gyn/onc this morning describing the vaginal pressure issue.  My appointment with him isn't for another 4 weeks, but maybe he'll move it up.  

I know this is temporary...  but I'm just feeling so lost today.

 

 

 

MAbound
Posts: 474
Joined: Jun 2016

1st comes the shock and panic, then the struggle to get through treatments, and then comes the reality of living with the fear of the beast returning. That's our new reality.......and it sucks!

I won't mouth you any platitudes about how you should handle how you're feeling right now. Who am I to say? Cancer is a sneaky ******* that teases us by sometimes growing when we feel just fine or makes us nuts with every little twinge that makes us feel like something's brewing. I don't think we trust ourselves to know the difference anymore. I've been  coping by trying to keep my mind too busy to think about it, but sometimes it just doesn't cooperate and those worries come anyway. It's why we all call this journey a roller coaster with the way our emotions are constantly up and down. Hang on tight, I'm hoping the next stretch upwards for you will come with the next sunny day!

brissance's picture
brissance
Posts: 192
Joined: May 2016

Jeesh, it is just too too scary.  We live trying to be brave and accepting the challenge.  But that nag is always there.  I am now a certified coward and partially certified hypocondriac but consider myself highly functioning.  I wonder if this almost over monitoring of health isn't necessary for us to survive.      

Things others ignore we become quite concerned.  I never categorized pain until this year..  how long, how intense, what was I doing, is it going away, sharp, throbbing etc.  So we id something different, I don't just accept it and monitor I then call and ask doc to review, I want to make sure he knows what is going on so he can advise me if there is an issue and we deal with it sooner rather than after the fact.  

I have made more contact with doctors/nurses in the last year than I have in my life to include pediatician when kids were little.  Nurse assure me I don't call very often but I never called until now.  I didn't have any idea you could email etc. But on the positive side I have avoided some icky situations by giving the doc a heads up.  And the proactive health monitoring I honestly believe will serve you, Editgirl, to prevent or expeditiously respond to any possible issue.  

I just hope that the doc lets you come in early and review.  I do so honestly understand your issues and share them.  Keep the vigil up.  God bless you friend and for what it is worth, I so look to you for your even and steadfast fight.   MAbound is so correct...  Cancer IS sneaky.  

EZLiving66's picture
EZLiving66
Posts: 1039
Joined: Oct 2015

Come here, Chris (((Chris))).  Maybe we can do a group hug (((Chris, Patty, Pat, Eldri)))??  I soooo know what you're all talking about.  NO ONE who has not gone through this can possibly understand it!  Just reading what you guys wrote, I started to get those symptoms - isn't that crazy??  But, that's what our life is like and it's hard to pull ourselves out of that blue funk that sucks us into one of life's dark holes.

My one consolation is that I'm not the only one feeling like this and I've got friends.....good friends, who understand me 100%.  Knowing that makes me feel like I'm not going crazy, this is just that crappy "new" normal we have to live with.

We went to a wedding yesterday and I cried from the time we walked into the church through the meal.  I went through four big kleenex that were soaked!!  I just couldn't stop crying.  Man, it was crazy and I'm sure anybody sitting by me thought I was nuts but the waterworks just wouldn't stop.  I was never a crier but since my hysterectomy and chemo I bawl at everything!!  New normal, I guess. 

Love,

Eldri 

 

 

LindyLu
Posts: 72
Joined: Sep 2016

Sending good thoughts, prayers,  and tons of love your way.  To you, too, Eldri.  The emotional part of this ugly beast is so uncontrolable, so unpredictable, unexplainable.  Yup, as Eldri put it, a "new normal."  Just know you're not alone, we're right there with you with a Huge Hug!  Hopefully your doc wil understand your urgency for an answer and see you soon.  

Love, LL

namedropper
Posts: 97
Joined: Dec 2014

HI, I am sending hugs also and blowing little kisses to all of us who have to go through this. I am so glad we have each other.  I hope you can feel the little kisses on your cheeks that I am sending your way.  We wll always stay strong together.

 

Lou Ann M's picture
Lou Ann M
Posts: 983
Joined: Feb 2015

Chris, I am so sorry your week is going badly.  Most of the time those little things that worry us are nothing, but it is good to look into them because this ensures that little problems are caught early before they become big problems.  This beast sure does a number on our emotions.  I know that I can go for quite awhile then I have a meltdown that ends with a good cry.  That seems to clear the air and I can go on.  Rolling in a ball and caring can be good for us once in awhile

Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 901
Joined: Jun 2015

You are all so precious to me.  I'm feeling a little better this evening.  Went out to the barn and visited my horse, did a little work in the garden, and I am staying quiet here at home tonight.  An odd thing happened to me today.  I belong to a Facebook group as well, and on my notifications twice today, was a note that two people had liked one of my posts.  I looked and it was a post I had made last September to a newly diagnosed person.  

Here's what I said... Hang in there. I am also Stage 3, Grade 3. Like (name) I was diagnosed with carcinosarcoma. 4 of the 22 lymph nodes they sampled came back positive. I am currently undergoing chemo with carbo/taxol to be followed by (possibly) radiation. This is definitely doable. There are long term survivors of this diagnosis and I plan to be one of them. You can be, too!

Good pep talk for myself.

  Love and hugs to all.

Chris

beccabtown's picture
beccabtown
Posts: 234
Joined: May 2016

So glad to hear you're feeling better, Chris. That's wonderful that your self from a year ago left a post to give you a lift now when you need it.

I know you don't need me to tell you this, but this might be a good time to think about the things that have helped you stay strong up to now, and put that into practice again.

With everyone posting about how anxious they're feeling, I'm less embarrassed to write that I've been feeling super paranoid about what my doctors are and aren't telling me. I'm running through conversations in my head and picking them apart looking for clues to what they really think about how my treatment is going and what my prognosis is. They may or may not have opinions about this right now (I'm almost halfway through treatment), but I know they can't or won't make any pronouncements at this stage. And in fact when I think about it I realize that they genuinely do seem to mean it when they tell me they think I'm doing well. Which is all just to say that sometimes there's only a loose connection between our perception of what's going on and what is going on in our bodies.

Anyway, I'm glad you've had a nice quiet evening.

Soup52's picture
Soup52
Posts: 660
Joined: Jan 2016

I'm with you Chris! I have no way of avoiding those feelings that some ache or pain is the return of the big C! Yikes. I guess this is our unavoidable new normal. I'm glad you are now feeling a bit better and it is so comforting to share these thoughts with each other because no matter how wonderful my family and friends are for support, they just won't hear of any possible reoccurrence! Here's hoping for. Much better week:)

TeddyandBears_Mom's picture
TeddyandBears_Mom
Posts: 1301
Joined: Jun 2015

Chris, So sorry about your bad week and I'm glad you are feeling better today. I have no wise words to offer up. I wish I did!  I can tell you that my sister said it does get easier to live with over time. (Reminder: she has had thyroid, endometrial and pancreatic cancers.)  And, she gets MRIs every 3 months to monitor what is left of her pancreas.

I have had pressure in the vaginal area a few times. Nothing painful just not normal. But, it went away and was not constant. I'm making an assumption that as long as it or other pains don't stay, it is just healing still. Anyway, I hope you can get into the doctor early so that you can ease your mind! This emotional crap is hard to deal with.

Please take care my friend and let us know if you are able to get in to see the doc early.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 901
Joined: Jun 2015

That makes me feel a little better to hear you are experiencing that vaginal pressure, too.  Mine is not constant, either, but it just started a couple of weeks ago, which concerned me.  I also considered that it was just part of the new way that things are.

I will definitely let you all know what my doc says and/or if I get in to see him early.

MAbound
Posts: 474
Joined: Jun 2016

Considering that you said "Ever since a mild bout of constipation a couple of weeks ago, things just haven't felt quite right." it occurs to me that you may want to have your doctor check you for the possibility of pelvic organ prolapse. It's something we're all vulnerable to after hysterectomy and a possible explanation for what your feeling other than recurrance. You could even contact your primary doctor about it instead of waiting for your appointment  for another four weeks. Here's a link about it:

http://www.health.harvard.edu/family-health-guide/what-to-do-about-pelvic-organ-prolapse

Hopes this helps rather than makes you worry more. :-(

 

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 901
Joined: Jun 2015

I had actually thought of that possibility.  If that indeed is what it is, it is minor.  I actually have begun doing Kegels to see if that would make a difference.  Even if that's not the case, Kegels are a worthwhile exercise. :)

rcdeman
Posts: 214
Joined: Aug 2016

I think it is normal that we have bad days. With all that you've gone through, it's not unusual that we now have the mindset that any ache or abnormality could be a precursor or a sign of something negative. If it is something that continues to bother you, then I will take the advice of some of the ladies here to maybe give your doctor a call. We can never be too cautious.

I can only partially understand the difficulty you're going through. Cancer is not fair. Just yesterday, I took my mom to a photography studio where we can take some family photos together. She was already tired and quite wobbly and unable to walk steadily on her own power after a short session. She was always healthy and strong (even two months before!) but after she was diagnosed, her physical strength and ability has depreciated a lot and it makes me sad.

However, I wanted to thank and appreciate all that you have done and contributed on this forum. Your experience, although difficult and unwarranted, was not in vain. You have helped many people, including my mom and I, by sharing the knowledge you've accumulated during your own journey as well as encouraging those who are currently on treatment.

You are greatly appreciated, Chris! I hope you feel better!

Love,
Rebecca

CheeseQueen57's picture
CheeseQueen57
Posts: 449
Joined: Feb 2016

I hope I can find this post when in a couple months I'm sure I will be feeling the same way. Bless you all you warriors!

Kvdyson's picture
Kvdyson
Posts: 789
Joined: Jan 2016

Hi Chris, you don't seem like the type of person who would panic for no reason. If your intuition tells you that something is wrong, you are 100% right to follow up on that feeling. Call that doctor and get in there! Let them figure it out so that you can get back to everything you love. We're all rooting for you! Kim

janaes
Posts: 503
Joined: May 2016

Chris,  Im glad you came here to share.  Your worries help me not feel alone.  Being finished with chemo, ive been worrying about it comming back. Ive been tring to feel that i hope it doesnt but it has been hard.  I love you so much and am so glad for all you have done for me.

Janae

Editgrl's picture
Editgrl
Posts: 901
Joined: Jun 2015

My gyn/onc did get back to me, and I've got an appointment Wednesday afternoon.  Will let you all know how it goes.

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2803
Joined: Jun 2010

Just chiming in that I'm still checking in from time to time and wish there was something I could do or say that would make it all go away for everyone.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Suzanne

LindyLu
Posts: 72
Joined: Sep 2016

Glad you got an appointment soon.  I'm finding the emotional part of this journey is just as disruptive as the physical part.  A roller-coaster ride for sure! 

Wishing you good news...~LL

Mmpeterson
Posts: 119
Joined: Sep 2016

Sending you many prayers and blessings your way.  I am newly diagnosed so my journey is just starting but you are truly an inspiration.  I hope one day I can inspire women as you have me.  I pray that your appt on Wed will bring much good news.  Many many hugs and prayers to you!!!  Maryanne 

brissance's picture
brissance
Posts: 192
Joined: May 2016

So glad you are getting checked out.  It is so nerve wrecking that every new pain is a new crisis.  But you, Chris, are on top of it and I just pray all will go well.  

I did have a prolapsed bladder (actually 2x) and that is quite consistent with what I felt.  I still do my Kegels as well but they finally put a sling in and the issues were resolved.  Glad you have a doc that will get this fixed.

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