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Sad news

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

my husband passed away yesterday.  He was 50 and was diagnosed stage 4 about 3 and a half years ago.  He just started hospice on the weekend and was pretty comfortable.  All three kids (18, 16 and 4) and I moved into his hospital room last Friday.  He seemed to take comfort that we were with him.  On Tuesday he slept a lot but did whisper words a few times.  Once everyone left, our 16 year old and I sat on either side of him holding his hands and his breathing got fast and he was anxious And he wouldn't let go of my hand.  He said he didn't want to go :(. The kids went to bed about 10, after the nurses were able to make him comfortable.  I stayed next to him, dosing on and off With my hand on his arm.  Woke at 1 am and just watched him and held him.  He was calm and comfortable.  He died around 2am. Kids and I went home at 4 and all crawled into my bed, numb.  I'm happy he's no longer in pain but I just can't believe it.  Our 25th anniversary is in May.  We've lost both of my parents in the last 18 months.  im trying to not be angry. 

I thank you all for your support and advice over the years.  This place and the special people helped me in so many ways.

LindaK.
Posts: 495
Joined: Apr 2013

Jen, I am so sorry for you and your children, 50 is way too young to leave a wife and 3 children.  I'm glad you shared your experience the last few days.  I'm sure, no positive, your presence there gave him comfort and eased his mind.  You did everything you could for him, which is a gift to our loved ones who pass before us.  I wish you peace and comfort in the next few days.

Love, Linda

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

  Just pain grief and loss. Jen we grieve with you and your family. I can only say how dreadfully sad I am at the loss of your husband and father to your children. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family, Hugs ron.

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

My dearest friend, please take comfort in that he passed peacefully with you at his side.  Having the love of our family is all we can truly hope for when it's our time.  You've taken such wonderful care of him these past few years, and I know that he loved you and appreciated everything that you did for him. 

You are in my thoughts dear, and with much sympathy,

Cynthia

:'(

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5193
Joined: Jan 2013

My heart continues to ache for you and your children. 

Don't fret about the anger, it is part of the grieving process, which is not only for your beloved, but your parents as well.  

We will continue to be here for you, as you need us. 

God bless as you go forward. 

Trubrit

 

lizard44's picture
lizard44
Posts: 409
Joined: Apr 2015

Words just aren't adequate.  I'm so glad you and the children were able to be there with him and that he was calm and comfortable at the end. Allow yourself to grieve and don't feel bad about the anger. One of the   pamphlets we received  when my sister was in hospice noted,"Grief can lead to sadness, depression, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and other physical and emotional problems for caregivers." The important thing is to find a channel for the anger so that is doesn't  lead to depression.  Maybe keeping a journal, writing down how you feel and how you are coping will help  get the anger out  or at least defuse it. Maybe it would also help your older children to  express their feelings of loss. I lost my dad to cancer when I was fifteen.  It is hard.

My thoughts are with you and your children as you enter this new phase of your lives. It will b hard, but you have shown  us all your strength and your courage.  I don't think that  either your strength or your courage will abandon you now, although they will be tested, I'm sure. Do  check in and let us know how you are doing.  Your insight and experience  have helped other caregivers  on the forum and I hope you will continue to be an inspiration.

Grace/lizard44

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

to say how sorry I am.  You did such a great job of taking care of him while balancing the needs of your kids and everyone else in your family.

It's just so so so unfair that he couldn't have stayed longer.   The world can be a bitterly unjust place at times.

We love you, Jen.

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

I am so sorry, Jen. everyone should have 'a Jen' at their side...you have been amazing.  You and your children are in my heart and prayer during these very difficult days. Life certainly isn't fair but I hope the way forward will be full of consolation and blessing.

 Hugs, CM

John23's picture
John23
Posts: 2140
Joined: Jan 2007

Sorrow

There's not much I can say that other's haven't said.

You were there to the very end. That was most important to him. He will always be with you in spirit; the spirit lives forever when love carries it.

Be angry if you feel angry. Beat up a pillow. Go to a Donald Trump rally.

Cry.

And it's OK to laugh.

Be well, please. He's not gone from your heart; he will always be there for you.

John

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Haha a trump rally...id have to be a lot more angry for that.  Like my 4 yr old youve managed to bring a chuckle :)

thank you all.

mbeaulieu's picture
mbeaulieu
Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. I admire you for your strength. It is just not fair. Praying for you and your family.

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1325
Joined: Apr 2009

I am just so terribly sorry. Please know that I understand and share your pain. I am here for you as you were for me.

Karen

Daisy13's picture
Daisy13
Posts: 43
Joined: Nov 2014

sending you and your children love at this sad and difficult time. Through the years I have witnessed your strong love and incredible support for your husband and children through every challenge presented to you. Lighting a candle now for you, your loving husband, and your children. Peace ~ Cynthia

 

 

NewHere's picture
NewHere
Posts: 1197
Joined: Feb 2015

I am not sure what words I can add to what has been said.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I am so very sorry. I wish there were words that would help in some small way but there is nothing I can offer. I pray that you and your family will find some sort of peace. I'm sure you will all find comfort in each other. What a lousy thing to happen, I feel terrible for all of you.

If you want to be angry you should go right ahead, embrace it. You've all been dealt a really crappy deal and anger is certainly appropriate. When cancer took my mom and I didn't want to wake up my daughter who was 8 years old I'd wait until she went to bed and then I'd yell and scream into a pillow. Then I'd punch it a bit, too. It helped. But the truth is that nothing does, not really.

Sending you a hug. I'm just so sorry.

Jan

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2120
Joined: Oct 2009

 I am so very sorry.  I know the pain and heartache you are now experiencing.  Again, I am so very sorry.

Hugs - Tina

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3346
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so very sorry for your loss.  I am sure that the presence of you and your children during his last days was a comfort to your dear husband.

You and your family have had to deal with way more than most in the last couple of years.  Because of that, I urge you to seek out the bereavement counseling in your area...here our hospice had a program for adults and one for children. 

May each day be a little easier for you all.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 416
Joined: Feb 2016

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your
laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
When you are joyous, look deep into
your heart and you shall find it is only
that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in
your heart, and you shall see that in truth
you are weeping for that which has been
your delight. ~Khalil Gibran

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

What a lovely poem! Thanks for sharing. I always think of that Garth Brooks song The Dance. The part where he says 'I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance'. It's so true. We hurt because we loved and were loved. It's the price we pay for it.

Jan

phuckcancer
Posts: 63
Joined: Apr 2016

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am hoping for peace and strength for your family.

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 706
Joined: Mar 2012

Jen,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your husband passed in a very loving way.  Your family sounds wonderful. 

Cancer really sucks and makes no sense ever.  Please take some comfort in the fact that he is no longer in pain and will always be with you watching out for your family.

 

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1063
Joined: Aug 2013

My Thoughts are also with you and your kids, Jen. Losing Cindy a year ago left us numb, doing things on kind of an autopilot, it took time to even feel the whole scope of our loss. At every event or holiday, her absence was felt so much, we had to learn the share those feelings and memories first, stories about her unique way of doing things, that allowed us to laugh a little and bring her into the moment, rather than silently hurt at the loss we all felt. She's at peace, as is your husband, and now comes the emotional battle to live in your new normal, without anger and bitterness. It's taken me most of the year to get past those feelings and get to a loving ache [or an aching love] when I think of her. I wish you peace of mind and a quick trip through the worst of the hurts that follow such a huge loss.......................................Dave

 

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

I am so sorry Jen. I read this a couple of days ago but didn't know what to say. I still dont. You are such a sweet person who has touched my heart through being thoughtful and selfless as I am sure you have and will continue  to touch many other people. Right now you need someone to touch your shattered heart.

Momof2plusteentwins's picture
Momof2plusteentwins
Posts: 508
Joined: May 2012

i am so sorry Jen, I havent been here much and just read this.  I have followed your journey and was so hoping he would keep going.  You have been such a huge help to me and everyone else here. Just sad for you and your 3 babies.

YoVita's picture
YoVita
Posts: 590
Joined: Mar 2010

You were a loving and supportive caregiver. 

Semira's picture
Semira
Posts: 378
Joined: Mar 2012

... there are no words.

A silent hug from Germany

Petra

 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss! This is such a horrendous disease!

I pray that you and your family find peace in the fact that he is no longer in pain.

Lin

danker
Posts: 1253
Joined: Apr 2012

I'm so sorry. He was way too young.  You may not be familiar with this Poem.

I am standing on the seashore

A ship appears and spreads her white sails in the morning breeze and starts to the ocean.

She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her

till at last she fades away on the horizon and someone at my side says,"she is gone."

Gone where? Gone from my vision, that is all. She is just as large as when I  saw her last.

 

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me,not in her.

And just at the  moment when someone at my side says, "She is gone."

There are others who are watching her comming, and other voices take up a joyful shout

"there she comes !"

 

 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5193
Joined: Jan 2013

Oh Danker, that was beautiful!

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