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jen2012
jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member

my husband passed away yesterday.  He was 50 and was diagnosed stage 4 about 3 and a half years ago.  He just started hospice on the weekend and was pretty comfortable.  All three kids (18, 16 and 4) and I moved into his hospital room last Friday.  He seemed to take comfort that we were with him.  On Tuesday he slept a lot but did whisper words a few times.  Once everyone left, our 16 year old and I sat on either side of him holding his hands and his breathing got fast and he was anxious And he wouldn't let go of my hand.  He said he didn't want to go :(. The kids went to bed about 10, after the nurses were able to make him comfortable.  I stayed next to him, dosing on and off With my hand on his arm.  Woke at 1 am and just watched him and held him.  He was calm and comfortable.  He died around 2am. Kids and I went home at 4 and all crawled into my bed, numb.  I'm happy he's no longer in pain but I just can't believe it.  Our 25th anniversary is in May.  We've lost both of my parents in the last 18 months.  im trying to not be angry. 

I thank you all for your support and advice over the years.  This place and the special people helped me in so many ways.

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Comments

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
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    I feel your pain

    Jen, I am so sorry for you and your children, 50 is way too young to leave a wife and 3 children.  I'm glad you shared your experience the last few days.  I'm sure, no positive, your presence there gave him comfort and eased his mind.  You did everything you could for him, which is a gift to our loved ones who pass before us.  I wish you peace and comfort in the next few days.

    Love, Linda

  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
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    There is no why to cancer

      Just pain grief and loss. Jen we grieve with you and your family. I can only say how dreadfully sad I am at the loss of your husband and father to your children. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family, Hugs ron.

  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
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    My dearest friend, please

    My dearest friend, please take comfort in that he passed peacefully with you at his side.  Having the love of our family is all we can truly hope for when it's our time.  You've taken such wonderful care of him these past few years, and I know that he loved you and appreciated everything that you did for him. 

    You are in my thoughts dear, and with much sympathy,

    Cynthia

    :'(

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,800 Member
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    Dearest Jen

    My heart continues to ache for you and your children. 

    Don't fret about the anger, it is part of the grieving process, which is not only for your beloved, but your parents as well.  

    We will continue to be here for you, as you need us. 

    God bless as you go forward. 

    Trubrit

     

  • lizard44
    lizard44 Member Posts: 409 Member
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    So very sorry

    Words just aren't adequate.  I'm so glad you and the children were able to be there with him and that he was calm and comfortable at the end. Allow yourself to grieve and don't feel bad about the anger. One of the   pamphlets we received  when my sister was in hospice noted,"Grief can lead to sadness, depression, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and other physical and emotional problems for caregivers." The important thing is to find a channel for the anger so that is doesn't  lead to depression.  Maybe keeping a journal, writing down how you feel and how you are coping will help  get the anger out  or at least defuse it. Maybe it would also help your older children to  express their feelings of loss. I lost my dad to cancer when I was fifteen.  It is hard.

    My thoughts are with you and your children as you enter this new phase of your lives. It will b hard, but you have shown  us all your strength and your courage.  I don't think that  either your strength or your courage will abandon you now, although they will be tested, I'm sure. Do  check in and let us know how you are doing.  Your insight and experience  have helped other caregivers  on the forum and I hope you will continue to be an inspiration.

    Grace/lizard44

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
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    It's almost impossible to find the words

    to say how sorry I am.  You did such a great job of taking care of him while balancing the needs of your kids and everyone else in your family.

    It's just so so so unfair that he couldn't have stayed longer.   The world can be a bitterly unjust place at times.

    We love you, Jen.

  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122 Member
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    Sorrow

    Sorrow

    There's not much I can say that other's haven't said.

    You were there to the very end. That was most important to him. He will always be with you in spirit; the spirit lives forever when love carries it.

    Be angry if you feel angry. Beat up a pillow. Go to a Donald Trump rally.

    Cry.

    And it's OK to laugh.

    Be well, please. He's not gone from your heart; he will always be there for you.

    John


  • Cathleen Mary
    Cathleen Mary Member Posts: 827 Member
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    It's almost impossible to find the words

    to say how sorry I am.  You did such a great job of taking care of him while balancing the needs of your kids and everyone else in your family.

    It's just so so so unfair that he couldn't have stayed longer.   The world can be a bitterly unjust place at times.

    We love you, Jen.

    I am so sorry, Jen. everyone

    I am so sorry, Jen. everyone should have 'a Jen' at their side...you have been amazing.  You and your children are in my heart and prayer during these very difficult days. Life certainly isn't fair but I hope the way forward will be full of consolation and blessing.

     Hugs, CM

  • mbeaulieu
    mbeaulieu Member Posts: 16
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    Very sorry

    I am so sorry for your loss. I admire you for your strength. It is just not fair. Praying for you and your family.

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
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    John23 said:

    Sorrow

    Sorrow

    There's not much I can say that other's haven't said.

    You were there to the very end. That was most important to him. He will always be with you in spirit; the spirit lives forever when love carries it.

    Be angry if you feel angry. Beat up a pillow. Go to a Donald Trump rally.

    Cry.

    And it's OK to laugh.

    Be well, please. He's not gone from your heart; he will always be there for you.

    John


    Haha a trump rally...id have

    Haha a trump rally...id have to be a lot more angry for that.  Like my 4 yr old youve managed to bring a chuckle :)

    thank you all.

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
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    mbeaulieu said:

    Very sorry

    I am so sorry for your loss. I admire you for your strength. It is just not fair. Praying for you and your family.

    Jen

    I am just so terribly sorry. Please know that I understand and share your pain. I am here for you as you were for me.

    Karen

  • Daisy13
    Daisy13 Member Posts: 43 Member
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    Oh Jen ...

    sending you and your children love at this sad and difficult time. Through the years I have witnessed your strong love and incredible support for your husband and children through every challenge presented to you. Lighting a candle now for you, your loving husband, and your children. Peace ~ Cynthia

     

     

  • NewHere
    NewHere Member Posts: 1,427 Member
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    I Am So Sorry For Your Loss

    I am not sure what words I can add to what has been said.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
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    I am so very sorry. I wish

    I am so very sorry. I wish there were words that would help in some small way but there is nothing I can offer. I pray that you and your family will find some sort of peace. I'm sure you will all find comfort in each other. What a lousy thing to happen, I feel terrible for all of you.

    If you want to be angry you should go right ahead, embrace it. You've all been dealt a really crappy deal and anger is certainly appropriate. When cancer took my mom and I didn't want to wake up my daughter who was 8 years old I'd wait until she went to bed and then I'd yell and scream into a pillow. Then I'd punch it a bit, too. It helped. But the truth is that nothing does, not really.

    Sending you a hug. I'm just so sorry.

    Jan

  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
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    Jen:

     I am so very sorry.  I know the pain and heartache you are now experiencing.  Again, I am so very sorry.

    Hugs - Tina

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
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    So very sorry

    I am so very sorry for your loss.  I am sure that the presence of you and your children during his last days was a comfort to your dear husband.

    You and your family have had to deal with way more than most in the last couple of years.  Because of that, I urge you to seek out the bereavement counseling in your area...here our hospice had a program for adults and one for children. 

    May each day be a little easier for you all.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties

  • Kazenmax
    Kazenmax Member Posts: 463 Member
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    I'm so sorry.

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your
    laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
    When you are joyous, look deep into
    your heart and you shall find it is only
    that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in
    your heart, and you shall see that in truth
    you are weeping for that which has been
    your delight. ~Khalil Gibran

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
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    Kazenmax said:

    I'm so sorry.

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your
    laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
    When you are joyous, look deep into
    your heart and you shall find it is only
    that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in
    your heart, and you shall see that in truth
    you are weeping for that which has been
    your delight. ~Khalil Gibran

    What a lovely poem! Thanks

    What a lovely poem! Thanks for sharing. I always think of that Garth Brooks song The Dance. The part where he says 'I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance'. It's so true. We hurt because we loved and were loved. It's the price we pay for it.

    Jan

  • phuckcancer
    phuckcancer Member Posts: 63 Member
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    I am so very sorry for your

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am hoping for peace and strength for your family.

  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
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    So Sorry

    Jen,

    I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your husband passed in a very loving way.  Your family sounds wonderful. 

    Cancer really sucks and makes no sense ever.  Please take some comfort in the fact that he is no longer in pain and will always be with you watching out for your family.