My Husband, my best friend

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happytogether
happytogether Member Posts: 9
in Caregivers #1

 

Hi. I am new to the discussion board. Believe me, I would rather be doing something fun.

 

 

 

My husband was diagnosed with CLL. Two years ago, his WBC was 80,000 - it is now 191,500.

 

 

 

It is beyond sad to watch the person you love waste away. Before he got sick, he was around 375 lbs, He is now 240 lbs.  His spleen is so enlarged that you can see it right away, liver is enlarged, lymph nodes are all enlarged, He can't stay awake, doesn't eat well. Just a shame!

 

 

 

I try to stay positive for him. He has enough going on without me adding to it. Believe me, he knows how much I hurt over his illness. We have been friends since highschool and will be married 18 years next month, We both just turned 49 this year.

 

 

 

It really is so unfair that it has taken this direction. He has really been sick since he was 20. So has had major lness since then,,,and now this, will stand by him until the very end. I love him. But you can that he is winding down. Some days it is so hard to see but I realize it's harder  for him because he's the one that's sick.

 

 

 

Life has been passing him by for the last ten years - heavily. Very very sad!

 

 

 

He has chosen to not go for treatment. He has so many other health problems that he believes treatment will take him quicker.

 

 

 

I am asked so many times if I am okay with his choice that I have a hard time answering it anymore. I guess there are people who think I am heartless because I don't make him go for treatment. If I know the person well, I don't mind answering. But the ones who are just people I work with ( I work in a large company where people don't always last, so you don't get a chance to really get close) - they are the ones that piss me off.

 

 

 

No, I love my husband enough to let him live his life the way he wants to. There are times I want to shake him and say "Get treatment!!!" But the man needs to have his dignity - he deserves it.

 

 

 

God willing, we have many more years together. But if we don't, I know that I have a man that loves me beyond anything imaginable.

 

 

 

But I really have a hard time asking for help. I need to be strong and in control - not letting everyone see all the crying and yelling I do. Plus people have  the best intentions of being there for help or expressing their sympathy. I hate when I hear you are so strong - no, you see me with my game face. I am not strong. My body constantly has this ache that never goes away.

 

 

 

So that is why I am here. I hope to draw strength from others who are dealing with a  cancer diagnosis.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening.

Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
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    Your Husband

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  But I know what you are going thru.  My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago and went thru treatment.  One year later he was diagnosed with a second primary, surgery ruled out so he underwent more treatment.  Clear for less than 8 months when his second primary reoccurred and spread.  He had already told me that if the cancer reoccurred he wouldn't go thru any more treatment.  We were only offerred chemo and told it wouldn't cure only prolong and could possibly hasten his time.

    He lived another 3 years and passed away 5 weeks ago, tomorrow would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary.  I met him when I was a junior in high school, he was 7 years old than me.  I never tried to talk him into more treatment, and neither did our sons.  It was his decision and I supported him.  Didn't agree but it was his choice.  He actually did good for about 2 1/2 years before the decline set in.  He was only confined to a hospital bed for the last month of his life because he could barely walk and although he had lost so much weight, he was heavy and I couldn't help him as much as he needed help to walk and I was always afraid he would fall, which he did a couple of times, and break his hip or leg.  He was on in-home hospice and they were great.  We had the best nurses and I can't say enough good things about hospice. 

    My situation was different than yours because I was retired but we had family, friends and neighbors that would call and  come by and check on us.  People who have never been thru it, don't understand and they don't understand why you wouldn't undergo treatment.  I have said after watching my husband go thru 77 rounds of radiation and 10 rounds of chemo plus surgery, that I couldn't do it and probably wouldn't. 

    It is a hard decision, but it is the person who has the cancer, decision.  I can never understand why family members would want an elderly person to go thru treatment just to keep them alive for another month or even a year.  They just don't understand how hard treatment is on the body.  Radiation is the gift that keeps giving and giving, even many years down the road just like chemo.  And surgery has its own side effects too.  I had an Aunt who fought esophageal cancer for about 3 years and finally said she was tired of all the radiation, chemo and surgery and enough was enough.

    I guess I would tell people until they walk in my shoes or my husband's, they won't understand.  I used to tell people, I was just along for the ride and whatever my husband wanted, we would do.

    Wishing you and your husband peace and comfort --

     

  • happytogether
    happytogether Member Posts: 9
    #3
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    Ladylacy said:

    Your Husband

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  But I know what you are going thru.  My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago and went thru treatment.  One year later he was diagnosed with a second primary, surgery ruled out so he underwent more treatment.  Clear for less than 8 months when his second primary reoccurred and spread.  He had already told me that if the cancer reoccurred he wouldn't go thru any more treatment.  We were only offerred chemo and told it wouldn't cure only prolong and could possibly hasten his time.

    He lived another 3 years and passed away 5 weeks ago, tomorrow would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary.  I met him when I was a junior in high school, he was 7 years old than me.  I never tried to talk him into more treatment, and neither did our sons.  It was his decision and I supported him.  Didn't agree but it was his choice.  He actually did good for about 2 1/2 years before the decline set in.  He was only confined to a hospital bed for the last month of his life because he could barely walk and although he had lost so much weight, he was heavy and I couldn't help him as much as he needed help to walk and I was always afraid he would fall, which he did a couple of times, and break his hip or leg.  He was on in-home hospice and they were great.  We had the best nurses and I can't say enough good things about hospice. 

    My situation was different than yours because I was retired but we had family, friends and neighbors that would call and  come by and check on us.  People who have never been thru it, don't understand and they don't understand why you wouldn't undergo treatment.  I have said after watching my husband go thru 77 rounds of radiation and 10 rounds of chemo plus surgery, that I couldn't do it and probably wouldn't. 

    It is a hard decision, but it is the person who has the cancer, decision.  I can never understand why family members would want an elderly person to go thru treatment just to keep them alive for another month or even a year.  They just don't understand how hard treatment is on the body.  Radiation is the gift that keeps giving and giving, even many years down the road just like chemo.  And surgery has its own side effects too.  I had an Aunt who fought esophageal cancer for about 3 years and finally said she was tired of all the radiation, chemo and surgery and enough was enough.

    I guess I would tell people until they walk in my shoes or my husband's, they won't understand.  I used to tell people, I was just along for the ride and whatever my husband wanted, we would do.

    Wishing you and your husband peace and comfort --

     

    You don't know how comforting

    You don't know how comforting your words are for me...thank you.

    My condolences for your loss. I am glad you had that many years together but i know you wanted many more. Thank you for taking the time to even think about me during a hard time. Bless you and your family.

    I think this discussion board is going to be the best thing for me - for us.

    I will carry your words with me.

  • koldjin
    koldjin Member Posts: 5
    #4
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    happytogether said:

    You don't know how comforting

    You don't know how comforting your words are for me...thank you.

    My condolences for your loss. I am glad you had that many years together but i know you wanted many more. Thank you for taking the time to even think about me during a hard time. Bless you and your family.

    I think this discussion board is going to be the best thing for me - for us.

    I will carry your words with me.

    Truth

    I feel the same as you with everybody telling me how strong I am every day. You are right unfortuntly it is a game face cause if they ever saw the real face they would run away screaming, Every night is filled with almost the same thing. Tears saddness depression and there are a lot of nights where I don't sleep. Because you just never know what will happen. I will agree with you that this board is the best thing because you can talk to as many of your friends as you want but until they go through something like we are they really just don't get it. I ahve vented on here a couple times and it does make you fell better after words.

    God bless you

  • happytogether
    happytogether Member Posts: 9
    #5
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    koldjin said:

    Truth

    I feel the same as you with everybody telling me how strong I am every day. You are right unfortuntly it is a game face cause if they ever saw the real face they would run away screaming, Every night is filled with almost the same thing. Tears saddness depression and there are a lot of nights where I don't sleep. Because you just never know what will happen. I will agree with you that this board is the best thing because you can talk to as many of your friends as you want but until they go through something like we are they really just don't get it. I ahve vented on here a couple times and it does make you fell better after words.

    God bless you

    Truth

    I am so glad to hear what you have to say. Really, I thought I was going crazy!

    I do appreciate that people do think of me. I know they mean well and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I do keep my thoughts to myself.

    Just a short year ago, my friend at work lost her spouse of 10 years to cancer. It was a tough road, especially since I am going through it too. BUt we became the best support one another had. She could call me at any time and I would be there. When it was near the end, she called me and I ran right to the hospital. I was there the whole time. This experience brought us very close. We have supported each other like crazy - even if it's just to cry on the phone. We get eachother- no explanations are needed. Thank God for her! Just too bad we became close because of cancer.

    All I know is that I have a close friend who knows just the right thing to say to me. Because she was and still is feeling that way. I look to her for inspiration because she has shown me that there will be a life after the final moment - that I will survive - that there will be good days and bad days.

    I hope that we can maybe help eachother too. You already have helped me by what you said. 

     

    Thank you and God Bless

     

     

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