My Husband, my best friend
Hi. I am new to the discussion board. Believe me, I would rather be doing something fun.
My husband was diagnosed with CLL. Two years ago, his WBC was 80,000 - it is now 191,500.
It is beyond sad to watch the person you love waste away. Before he got sick, he was around 375 lbs, He is now 240 lbs. His spleen is so enlarged that you can see it right away, liver is enlarged, lymph nodes are all enlarged, He can't stay awake, doesn't eat well. Just a shame!
I try to stay positive for him. He has enough going on without me adding to it. Believe me, he knows how much I hurt over his illness. We have been friends since highschool and will be married 18 years next month, We both just turned 49 this year.
It really is so unfair that it has taken this direction. He has really been sick since he was 20. So has had major lness since then,,,and now this, will stand by him until the very end. I love him. But you can that he is winding down. Some days it is so hard to see but I realize it's harder for him because he's the one that's sick.
Life has been passing him by for the last ten years - heavily. Very very sad!
He has chosen to not go for treatment. He has so many other health problems that he believes treatment will take him quicker.
I am asked so many times if I am okay with his choice that I have a hard time answering it anymore. I guess there are people who think I am heartless because I don't make him go for treatment. If I know the person well, I don't mind answering. But the ones who are just people I work with ( I work in a large company where people don't always last, so you don't get a chance to really get close) - they are the ones that piss me off.
No, I love my husband enough to let him live his life the way he wants to. There are times I want to shake him and say "Get treatment!!!" But the man needs to have his dignity - he deserves it.
God willing, we have many more years together. But if we don't, I know that I have a man that loves me beyond anything imaginable.
But I really have a hard time asking for help. I need to be strong and in control - not letting everyone see all the crying and yelling I do. Plus people have the best intentions of being there for help or expressing their sympathy. I hate when I hear you are so strong - no, you see me with my game face. I am not strong. My body constantly has this ache that never goes away.
So that is why I am here. I hope to draw strength from others who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis.
Thanks for listening.
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