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Why me?

vccortes713's picture
vccortes713
Posts: 51
Joined: Oct 2014

 

Why me?
 
When I was diagnosed with Stage 4 last year I was also asking the same question to God. My kids are still young. My eldest is only 21 and my youngest is only 19. I am only 43 and my wife is only 41. They still need me. If not because of them I should be fine because after all the sufferings I will rest in peace. But how about the people I will leave behind? They will experience the same thing as yours. The sadness and grief of loosing a love one. That is why Its so hard for me to find peace in dying.
 
So I asked and prayed and surrendered everything to him. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal saviour long time ago.... but I never got an answer to my prayers....Everyday I'm in pain......
 
When we pray to God and we don't get it,  people say be patient God is good He will answer your prayer. When we ask for something to God and we don't get it, people say its because God has other plans for us.  When we beg for something to God and there is no answer, people say it's because God has something better for us. God is good and will not allow his people to suffer. God is almigthy and nothing is impossible to Him. God is the ultimate healer.
 
It seems that whenever we ask for something to God and is never answered, there is always an excuse on why God didn't granted our wishes......but never got an answer on why our simple pleadings  where all left in vain? It's like we are begging from a trillionaire for a dime to relieve our hunger but was denied and didn't  know why? It seems to be a one way win/win for God.......And when we whine people branded us as being ungrateful.....
 
Maybe there is no God? Maybe the concept of a God came out in a desperate attempt of people in finding an answer to the unknown and to find comfort from hopeless situation.......
foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

Please read my posts over the past years. The theme stays the same. First, I am not of any religion. I don't believe any god would make people suffer. It is not a test. And I do not blame anything or anyone for being a stage 4 cancer patient. That concept removes a major source of stress. Remember every second you worry, is not recoverable. As a result you become responsible for wasting what time you may have left. Please don't do that. Put a spin on it. Tell yourself how fortunate you are to have your remaing time available to live and love. As with any habit it takes practice. If you catch yourself with negative thoughts, turn them around. Especially in the presence of your family.

As to "Why me?" Would you be happier if your spouse or kids were sick instead? Of course not. Would you take a bullet to save your kids life if they were in the line of fire? Of course you would. Be their hero. Live forward. In 10 years you don't want people talking about how much you suffered. That makes everyone feel badly. Have them praise your bravery. Produce happy memories. Your choice.

We all experience an emotional breakdown one way or another after diagnosis. What you do about it is not up to someone else. It is up to you. Everyone here is willing to help in dealing with this. Many expend more energy supporting others than they spend on themselves. And they are not in any better circumstance. Self pity is very damaging.

We are not dieing from cancer. We are living with cancer. Value it. I hope you feel better expressing your grief. Let it go. Move on. Fox.

Positive_Mental_Attitude's picture
Positive_Mental...
Posts: 454
Joined: Jul 2014

What Fox said. I am not stage 4.  2014 sucked in many ways for me:  My office was destroyed by a fire. I lost a 42 year old friend to cancer.  I got diagnosed with kidney cancer.  I was stage 1, and my cancer was dealt with by a partial nephrectomy, and I hope to be best friends with NED forever more. 2015 continues the trend of sucking, but in different ways.  I don't ask why.  Many in this world and many on this board have it a lot worse than I do.  I am thankful that I have my health, my self respect and the love of my wife and children.  These three things are all that matter to me.  I continue to think positively (thus my screen name).  If I get up each morning, I am nice to people, smile a lot, laugh a lot, and maybe cry a little in private, my faith in my abilities, the love of my wife and children and good karma that I spread will get me through.  It has so far, and I see no reason why it will change.  There is nothing else for me.  I will keep pushing through with a smile on my face until I am dead, and I hope that I die with a smile on my face.  I want to die of laughter, no matter what the circumstances.

@VCortes713, we all have our own coping mechanisms and beliefs.  Religion and/or spirituality is a huge source of comfort and strength for many people.  I had a family member who was a huge believer in the power of prayer and religion, and that helped him get through a lot of difficult times. I don't think there is any right answer, and you have to rely on what works best for you.

danbren2's picture
danbren2
Posts: 311
Joined: May 2013

Vccortes713,

     Please read some stories on this site on what people have been through, it is amazing!  Having Cancer is no fun, but what we make of it is up to us.  Why would your want to spend your days living thinking about dying! Don't waste your days, you will feel much better laughing than crying! 

                                  Prayers for good health,

                                  Brenda

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 779
Joined: Oct 2014

I'm not stage four but it was quite a big Shock when I first heard about cancer. I also asked the same question, more from me than God. I'm too young for it with healthy diet, sportive and not drinker, a new bride!!!! But now after almost 10 months I think feeling pity didn't help me. I lost all my strengh and willing to come back to normal life and just felt pity for myself during first few months. But then looked at mysrlf and realized I am aluve but not living. With a help i'm recieving from a therapist i'm doing better recently. I've started doing all those little things I've always wanted to do but posponded or wasn't brave enough to do them. It feels good and makes me full of happiness and willingness to live one more day. I know it's really different when you're stage four as you're probebly on some drugs and it makes it more difficilt but I also know i could have died in a car accident 10 months ago instead of having this cancer or it could be worse if my hubby or mummy had it. It's easier to fight for yourself than to see the dear ones are suffering from pain. All I know is, We must help ourselves so please do so.

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

it never occurred to us to ask why us; it is simply the cards dealt in this game we all call life.

Sarah

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

I also have no belief. Who would I nominate to take my place? No one. I have seen such an outpouring of love and friendship, and prayers that I am humbled by peoples reaction to my disease. From my teaching of Philosophy I know that the only prayer that has any value is "Thy will be done". Anything else assumes that we're smarter than god. Sometimes I feel I'm living with Cancer (I like that Fox) Sometimes I feel like I'm dieing of it. It certainly makes you think. I think that I am living more since my diagnosis than maybe I ever did beforehand. I'd like my family to be able to come to terms with my death before it happens. I have this opportunity many do not. This is a good thing

And trillionaires never give dimes to beggars. Thats why theyre trillionaires

Socrates turned to the crowd who sentenced him to death. "So, we go our seperate ways. You to live and I to die. Who is to know what is the best option?"

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1987
Joined: Mar 2014

 

I guess I see it like this: if there is a God, then yes, God listens to our prayers but it doesn’t mean that the answer is always going to be “yes.” Sometimes it will be “no,” for whatever reason God has for saying “no.” We msy not understand the reason for the "no", or be disappointed with that answer, but if there is a God then there is a reason and purpose for that answer. If there is no God, then none of our prayers mean anything; no one is there to hear them, and we must find whatever purpose and meaning we can in the cards that have been dealt us.

 

Dutch1's picture
Dutch1
Posts: 152
Joined: Mar 2014

I am sorry to hear of your situation.  Stage four stinks.  I know, I am stage four also.  It seems as though I have always been sick.  I also believe in God, so I understand your questions about exactly what is going on here.

Answers as to "why" are difficult ... regardless of how you view the question of God's existence.  For me, I beleive that God does not say anywhere that life is going to be a smooth ride.  You and I and tons of other cancer (or other disease) victims have learned this.  The list of believers who have been through the dark times is endless.  So, be patient with your faith.  Find someone who can help you in this respect. 

I can testify to the fact that learning you have stage four isn't a signal for you to pack it in.  Fight for every new day.  My wife and I have been doing it for 28 months now since my surgery.  Others on the board here are stage four and have survived for years.  You don't know what your fate is going to be.  You and I know that we will die of kidney cancer.  That's a pretty safe bet.  But, we don't know when. 

I agree with the folks that have encouraged you (and me) to live each day that we've been given.  These can be satisfying times with your family ... even under the pressure of stage four cancer.  My faith tells me that my family will make it even if I pass away sooner rather than later.  I hope that you can feel the same way.

Hopefully, this hasn't come across as poorly as some of the advice that you refer to in your initial post.  Believe me, my wife and I have had some serious meltdowns over this lousy disease. Maybe that qualifies me to offer some advice from the cheap seats.  I really wish you and your family well.

Dutch

 

brea588's picture
brea588
Posts: 240
Joined: Jul 2012

I am a Christian and that I am not ashamed of. I will stand up for Jesus every day that I live.  I am not forcing my beliefs on anyone, or offending anyone.  Everyone has their own beliefs.  As I have studied and read from the Bible, every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord.  As i have had kidney cancer, colon cancer,and a mass in my breast, Jesus has been my refuge.  You hear people say that He want put anymore on you than you can stand.   That is written no where in the Bible.   He will allow you to suffer, because then when all else fails you will lean on Him and trust in the Lord.  During all my illnesses, and I still fight illnesses everyday, I give those burdens to Jesus, yes i hurt, yes i feel bad, but He makes me feel better, knowing I can rest my cares in His love and promises of a better day.   As a registered nurse  and taking care of cancer patients I would often say  WHY not me??????? When will it hit me??   I didnt question God why me??   When I seen little kids sick with this disease and yes i have seen answered prayers.  Gods hand has been working in my life for 29 years now.  God tells us to pray, ask Him for things and he will answer.  The answer is yes, no, or not right now.  He does answer we just need to be still and listen.  He also tell us that" if we deny him, He will deny us before our Father in Heaven." So with this I will say to you, I will pray for you and you are in my thoughts.  I hope you get to feeling better.  I pray for all on this forum all the time. No Offense to anyone.  Thanks for allowing me to share my beliefs.   

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

if faith provides strength to you, that is wonderful; I have a problem with asking God for a specific result.

that sounds more like Santa Claus than a deity 

Sarah

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1326
Joined: Oct 2013

First of all, I am glad you are raising questions and reaching out.

You've are opening up to a NEW perspective possibly.

You are helping US learn too..

 

This thing called LIFE is so precious.

BUT.. this is a PROCESSS

You are in such a process,

We have goals and do not like obstacles.

We start to wonder.

We begin to figure out what to do and how to survive.

We problem solve.

We look anew..

Sometimes we find answers, and our faith and paradigms assist us.

Other times nothing fits, nothing seems to work

we are left then wonder, to question..

 

ASK

WHAT am I supposed to learn from this?

What are MY lessons?

And I add,

What are the hidden blessings that this awful thing, called Cancer, offers me?

 

One of the beautiful lessons is we can aceept this challenge,

We can grow ..

We can change how we feel about this

It is a process.

We ARE evolving..spiritually. who knew?

Choose to LIVE

Choose to appreicate your mortiality

Let  go of FEAR .. of Doubt

What purpose does it serve you now?

 

Choose to learn and

allow our loved ones to learn THEIR lessons and grow as well.

Now you know why..

just not when.

 THIS was supposed to happen... you'll see

Sending you healing openess, light and care

Gentle hugs,

Jan

 

Billy's Wife's picture
Billy's Wife
Posts: 52
Joined: Jan 2014

To me Faith is just that Faith--believing in what we cannot see and cannot understand..just yet.  As my husband and I walked the walk so many of us share I found my most peaceful moments when I surrendered and handed my fears and worries over to God.  I accepted that I had no control over lots of things but when I gave it to God it became manageable.   In my grief I struggle again and worry again and slip into fear and regret.  My husband was very good at living.  He never acknowledged dying, he just kept living as best he could each day, each moment with fight and strength as everyone here does in their own way.  During his life he experienced the loss of his own father when he was only 13, his Dad 41 he questioned God and why He allowed these things to happen to good people.  Faith--believing what you cannot know...yet!

I pray that now my husband knows what we do not...yet! If that is true he is elated to be there first, to know the truths of faith first!

I pray that my prayers are the right prayers.  I pray for all on this sight.  I hope that when we get there we will be reunited and look back and say, "Why did I want to say there?"  Then we will understand--God willing.

Faith and Hope go Hand in Hand ---for me.

Arleen---Billy's Wife

Phredswife's picture
Phredswife
Posts: 162
Joined: Apr 2014

So sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged at the moment. I used to be a very black and white person about whether God was answering my prayers or not. I am a Christian and I have been very grateful for the faith that I have . I am not the one that has had cancer , my husband is, but this has been one of the biggest challenges in our 24 years together. We have both come to the realisation that stuff just happens and sometimes you actually grow more in the 'fertiliser" of life than you do the rest of the time when things are easy. It is not fun though!

 I have  spent a lot of time getting angry and frustrated at how things were not going my way, especially for others I love and then suddenly something changes and I either learn to deal with it or a miracle happens. We have had a lot of hard things happen in our lives eg. infertility, illness, but we have perservered despite them all.

Don't give up yet. You are in a country where there are a lot of hopeful treatments. I hope you can get on top of the emotional and physical pain that you are in. I will be praying for you . I think its lovely that even with all our different faiths and beliefs we can all support each other.Smile

Much love Melissa

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

I understand that you are getting discouraged, and I imagine this was one of your darker moments. Try not to lose hope! We all have darker days. But we have so many members here that have shown us that perserverence and determination - along with hope and positivity - are getting through this! We are here to support each other, and that is one of our biggest blessings.

I hope that you find your way to get through this and feel better about things once again.

Hugs

Joj

Yeric
Posts: 65
Joined: May 2015

I had a tumor show up close to my brain stem.  The Doctor was showing me a slide from the MRI.  He was very good with the software and was able to take us inside the tumor.  I saw swirls of bloodvessels that took on the form of univerises very similar to pictures from the Hubble telescope.  I was looking at this thing that was trying to kill me and yet was so fantastic to behold.  I said 'It has a certain malevolent beauty to it doesn't it?  The doctor looked down on me, the doctor that was training with him looked at me.  My Doctor finally said 'WOW! I have never heard that from a patient before.'

Later I was thinking about what I saw and it dawned on me that there was more at work here that just the work of God.  

I was no different from most people faced with cancer.  I went to God and asked why?  I did not get a answer.  It was not a question for Him to answer.

I asked Him for life.  Much later it dawned on me that He gave me life once.  I asked Him for strength.  I seem to have enough of that most days.

Sometimes my strengh will fade a little and I have questions surface that do not need to be pondered on yet again.   After a bit the strength will come back.

I do believe that everybody that has reason to be in these boards already know all about that. 

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

Yeric, those were beautiful sentiments. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs

Jojo

mrs_blkjak's picture
mrs_blkjak
Posts: 103
Joined: Apr 2013

You have every reason to ask why me? But I agree with the sentiment to try not to stay there. when blkjak was fighting, we talked a lot about giving ourselves small bits of time to be sad and get it out of our systems, then focus on living  Everyone deserves to live while they're alive. 

i am christian but have a different philosophy of how God works. I don't believe there is a "plan." I really can't make sense of a God who would plan for people to suffer. I think bad things happen despite God, not because he plans them. I also don't believe God cures people. I really don't know that there is a soul on this earth that agrees with me on this. But again, I cant make sense of a God that would pick and choose who to cure and who to let suffer. I think the "plan" and the cure is salvation. That's it. No miracles. It sounds grim but it makes it easier for me to have a relationship with God without being angry. As it is, I do struggle with my Christianity a bit. It's been a rough couple of years and Im hoping I'll make my way through it. Eventaully. 

Focus on the positive. Live. Love every moment with your family. And lean on people for support when you need a small melt down. But don't stay there!

Time2luv
Posts: 49
Joined: Dec 2009

Why not me! If me having this stage 4 cancer keeps someone else from having it let it be. I've asked God also for answers and what I should be doing. I now believe it is so I can be here to help others through the process. I can share my experience so they might have a better idea what to expect. We all have different emotions, experiences but by sharing we can open their eyes to what to ask, read, expect.

I hope that we can provide research ideas on what works and what doesn't so they can come up with a cure some day. Use me! Help save the young kids!

I don't feel sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for my family and other loved ones. I'm not ready to leave them behind. But I KNOW God is with me and I will no longer be in pain or suffering when that time comes. Make memories with them.

Through an experience I had July 4th, 1974 I KNOW God exist and can give us peace and comfort. Please don't give up on God. He carries us when we can't go on our own.

April2014
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2015

Yes oh Yes this question is quite inevitable....esp when you are dx with stage 4 CA.

April last year I was dx with stage 4 lung CA , inoperable ,incurable,mets to liver ,brain,bone,adrenal glands.

Life expectancy is 3-6 months. 

Sounds like death sentence to me ,like in a boxing I am the underdog and in the bible a hand to hand combat with Goliath.

Being dx with stage 4 lung CA is a shock ,never been sick all my life ,healthy diet and stay fit.

not a party girl and never smoked  so when I received the med report I was totally shockEd.

i was in denial for so long and even though I am a believer of God I can't help but ask why me and of all sickness why cancer ?

what did I do to deserve this horrendous disease?But as days goes by I realized nothing will change even how much I complain.

I decided to just move on and live each day do the best I can trusting God for my life is in His hands..... If I live I live

if I go that's the time when I'm suppose to go.

Until now almost 16 mos since dx ,still here though there is still CA lurking in my body but hey I'm here and that's all it matters.

i thank God for every bunos days he has given to live and to love.

in spite of pain and suffering

in spite of questions left unamswered..... I am gratefuL to the God who has been there every day every minute.

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