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I've been peeking in...

marosa's picture
marosa
Posts: 333
Joined: Feb 2015

Hi everybody!  I've been peekin in very often since my partial Nepherectomy on September 30th.  Okay,   where to start. I do speak english and do a lot of reading in english as well, but writing about feelings and so on is much more complicated for me to write about. I want to say I basically believe in the good of people but in this boards I have been amazed at the amount of care, attention, time and love that is going around every time I visit.

As for many of you, my life changed unexpectedly from one day to the next on a simple routine exam.  I will be very honest;  I have tried hard to go back to life as usual and forget this chapter and I also believe and had so many people tell me that the less I dwell or look for or think of or do ANYTHING that brings my mind to the kidney cancer "chapter", the better I will do in every way.

I understand that I should live  my life to the fullest and not feel this shadow hanging over me but also it is true that it is something that cannot be put away for good!  I need follow-ups, RCC is tricky, my surgeon and doctors are in France and they are great but they are definitely not givers of much info so I need to know more and all of you know so much, you're almost profesionals on your own right!!!

Some of you just take my breath away and that might be the main thing that keeps me coming back, I truly believe so.  Reading some of your posts is solid proof that love is the strongest and most amazing tool we have to go thru life...

Anyway, while waiting for my operation 30 difficult and scary days.  I believed that my life would forever be changed and I would be a new me.  Everything would come back to basics and little stuff and stupid things would be gone forever... ha, ha!  I find myself to be almost the same person as I was before.  Yes I have grown in many ways, yes I sometimes think in different ways but basically, after going thru all of this and not knowing what may or may not hapen in the future, It's life as usual except for some scary nights I have a hard time catching my sleep and that too is an amazing thing to see... the nature of human beings!

I don't have a question I think Im kind of going into fields of emotions or a little phylosophical.  Im just blabering here but just very much wanted to say HELLO and thank you to so many of you.  I'll be peeking in again soonCool  My love to all

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 3242
Joined: Jan 2010

marosa,

 

Nothing wrong with expressing yourself. Kidney Cancer is a big thing. It is major surgery. It is not fun. That beeing said welcome to the club which no one in there right mind would volunteer to join. May you become friends with NED for the rest of your life.

 

 

Icemantoo

 

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 887
Joined: Nov 2014

Hello,

thank you for posting this and sharing your emotions. I guess this is what this board is meant to - not only seeking for info, but sharing fears, doubts and joy.

I feel somewhat the same ( I'm a caregiver). First I was sure we will never be concerned about small things again, but we  ( at least I ) still are. We haven't become that much different or our life has more meaning now. But I start to think that this is not that bad - we remain who we are, cancer hadn't crushed us, as it hadn't crushed your personality. Every person has something else to worry except for health, it is part of life, and our worries mean that we are still living it.

And fear - it is present, yes. Not in my fiance, who had cancer, In me. But we have to keep in mind that in your and his case it all happened recently. More experienced posters have said that it takes a while to calm down. It gets easier after a year or so, and fear comes back only right before scans.

I also like to add that you've had good pathology - Stage 1b, encapsulated, so you have marvelous chances to leave it behind! Just need more time to believe it.

You've wrote about love. And this is the thing perhaps I'm kinda grateful for after all this ordeal. i've loved my fiance before that too, of course. we are together for 8 years and expecting our first child now. But only during this cancer scare did I realize HOW MUCH we love each other, what is the most precious thing in life, how much he trusts me and what things I'm ready to do to help him. I assumed that I knew love before (never dwelled on this actually), but in reality I know what love is only now. And we show it to each other much more frequently.  Because now we know life could be short. Not because cancer will return, no. But because we suddenly realized it has an end and we have no idea when this end may come, due to cancer or road accident or heart attack...

love each other, take care of each other, show it, say it - this is my lesson, and I'm grateful to it. Is smth happens to me today - I'll know that my fiance, my mom and  friends will be aware what they mean to me. It brings me calm And seems very important,don't know why...

i'm sure you will be all right! In your case you have so much to be grateful for, like early detection and successful surgery. You are given second chance, just need more time to heal emotionally. 

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

You wrote such a beautiful email! It is warm and insightful.

You are right - cancer changes our lives. People do say "forget about it and move on". Easier said than done. Those doubts still can overshadow us. That is where this place really works. You can vent, ask any question you like, learn, help, advise, give, receive. We all have been there. We all have a connection and that is what this is all about.

The love is a big factor. In our home and family life, it helps and comforts us, shows us what we value, and what really matters. Here, we share our feelings and hear everyone's stories, and we end up loving the members here too - they become part of your family - the second family!:) We share joy with good news, and support in the difficult times, and grieve at our great losses.

I am glad you came to visit us and share with us. I really enjoyed reading what you had to say! Please visit here often.

Big hugs,

Jojo

Mav1969a's picture
Mav1969a
Posts: 22
Joined: Apr 2015

You are right Marosa, you can glean a lot from reading these posts.  In my case, my Dr. is very forthcoming with information, but even then, there are gaps.  Perusing these posts definitely helps fill in missing information.

 

It is a terrific resource and loveing community.

 

mav1969a

marosa's picture
marosa
Posts: 333
Joined: Feb 2015

and commenting as well on your own experiences and concerns.   Scanxiety for example I learned about here and now I'll know it will show up as it did las month and will again for my 2nd check-up in November.  Knowing it will be there makes it easier to deal with it!

Reading your posts is also why I asked some more questions to my surgeon and doctor in Paris last month.  Also, my surgeon moved my second follow-up from September to early January because "everything looked so good".  It was nice to hear but I decided to move it ahead on my own and do it in November. I prefer to be on the safe side and take some of the responsability in my hands.

JoJo I,ve been thinking of you and wishing all is well with your recent tests, it will be!  Icemantoo you must be the Deacon here aren't you?! Thanks! Allochka, thank you for your understanding and sweet message. To you as well Mav.

A very special thought goes to a VERY, VERY extraordinary person who has been a source of inspiration for me from the first day I droped in to peak here.  FOXY,  I wont say more and I just hope you're doing much much better.   I did not contribute to the last post but I put my 5cents in now: No way you sell your guitar or bike, they are a part of you and they have been there for you as an ispiration.  The day you are no longer there, they too will have lost part of their soul and will be cheriched souvenirs for loved ones or nice objects for an interested buyer.  Today they are not either one of these things... they are "motors" to keep working up your WILL to use them again!  Be well.

A la prochaine to all !

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

Now I'm embarrassed. Thanks for the compliment.  Last year I was thinking about how others can never really know what it is like to have cancer. They can't understand how much it can dominate our thoughts. So I ask them if they ever had a song stuck in their head and they couldn't get it out. Everybody has done that. I say that is what it is like to have cancer. The thought gets in your head and doesn't go away. It helps them understand. This conversation came up at a picnic that I went to. And I had fun with it. I began whistling Christmas songs around everyone. It became contagious and soon enough several people were walking around whistling "It's beginning to look alot like Christmas." I got it stuck in their heads and they couldn't get it out. I thought it was pretty funny.

todd121's picture
todd121
Posts: 1425
Joined: Dec 2012

So glad you posted and shared your experiences with us. This helps us all and makes this place a better place.

I'm often at a loss for words so I read without commenting. I don't feel like a do a good job of encouraging myself even, so I often am not sure what to say for others. However, I'm really encouraged by reading just the stories of everyone here and I'm so happy for every post from all of my fellow kidney cancer sufferers. It's how we transcend this disease. I think we are truly the only ones that can understand what the others are going through in this situation.

Thank you and bless you.

Todd

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

so glad you chose to come in; as you have noted, this group is very supportive and very special.

i do not have kidney cancer; my husband does and I have been here since he was dx in the summer of 2013.

the sharing and closeness of this group are truly amazing.

Sarah

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