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My Mom just passed away and I'm having a very hard time

socrossedup
Posts: 10
Joined: Feb 2015

My Mom passed away March 6th and I'm just having a terrible time with grief. I was her full time caregiver and lived with her. I was with her when she passed away. Everything in the house is a reminder of the good and bad times. Of everything I've lost. 

My Dad passed away last May from heart failure and I was just starting to come to terms with that loss...

My Mom was diagnosed last April with NSCLC stage 4 and did 7 months of chemo through 3 cycles. She was hospitalized multiple times for pneumonia and in December the oncologist said the cancer was very aggressive. She started taking Tarceva to get whatever time she could but in February they said it had stopped working. She was on hospice for only one week and then she started having trouble breathing. The nurses said it was air hunger and she slipped into an aggravated coma and passed on Friday...

I'm really having trouble and could use some help please. Not only is her death a HUGE blow, but now all these decisions need to be made. She though there was more time to get things planned. 

 

 

How did you make it through? 

Txgrl
Posts: 31
Joined: Apr 2014

I know how you feel. Lived with my dad. He passed away in November.It's hard. He passed away from RCC. He was 67.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

grief can be all consuming. Each of us has to handle it in our own time and way. A strong support system can really help. Some of us find help in family, friends, church, grief counselors, grief groups, and even meds. Ask Hospice about possible help with your grief. They are there for the family and usually offer follow up services for family members. I know the one here had a social worker who offered help when I lost my husband. Don't feel you have to be strong and grieve on your own. Also, don't be afraid to talk to others about your grief. Expect difficult times for many month to come. Time has helped me and I hope it will help you. As you experienced with your father's death, it takes a lot of time to begin to heal. i hope you can find some peace as you work through this process. Fay

Meowycat
Posts: 66
Joined: May 2013

I came upon your post today trying to cope with losing my mom on New Year's Day. Loss is so personal and raw to each one of us and it is not easy. I think it is hitting you harder because of the loss of your Dad and how aggresive the cancer was with your mom. Decisions are so overwhelming especially when things happen so quickly. I would call hospice and meet with not only a bereavement counselor but the social worker as well. They can offer a lot of help in terms of helping you make decisions.

I want to say that you are a beautiful person because you were a full time caregiver to your mom. I was as well. It takes a strong person to go through it all with the one you love. I send you a virtual hug and if you have any friends or family please reach out to them. Sometimes people just don't know what to do but do want to help.

 

Big Huggies and prayers,

 

Meowycat

 

socrossedup
Posts: 10
Joined: Feb 2015

Right after she passed I had all the hospice team calling to setup times to meet, but for some reason the social worker hasn't shown up twice to appointments and I'm done waiting around for her. The Chaplain came by and that did help a bit. They're supposed to let me know soon when the next grief group meets so I can meet with them. 

 

Ditto for you as well Meowycat. I'm so grateful that I got to be her caregiver because it brought us so much closer together and healed some pasts issues. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. :) 

 

My prayers are with you as well. I hope it gets easier for you...everyone (they've meant well) has told me that time heals all wounds. I don't know about that, but hopefully time can atleast mend them enough that we can laugh with the memories instead of cry. 

Redjl86
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2015

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is extremely difficult. And you have loss two people that are very dear to your heart.  At times you may feel like the pain is unbearable. And the responsibility of getting certain affairs in order is a very daunting task because all you want to do right now is hug your mom and talk to her.

 What has helped me in dealing with the passing away of my loved ones is relying on God. Prayer strengthens. Also consider all that God promises us. At John 5:28, 29, God promises us that there will be a resurrection of life.  All of our loved ones can be resurrected to live a perfect life without ever again having to suffer sicknesses like cancer. That is what gives me comfort, knowing that I will see my loved ones again. It takes time for the pain not to hurt so much, but God will strengthen you during this time.

flex
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2013

 

I hate grief.  It especially crushes, disrupts, interrupts survivors left behind. This was the case when my wife of 39 years died of ovarian cancer.  I too, was the caregiver.  The sense of helplessness and impotency overwhelmed my ability to carry out and function from day to day.  She breathed her last breath and was gone.  "What now?" I asked.  "Where do I go from here?"  Grief had found me.  Although family and friends wrapped me in their compassion, I was alone.  The forced smiles hid my daunting grieving.  Everyone left.  The sound of silence amplified the the softest sounds.  Activity stopped.

I avoided items she had touched and would steer clear of her photographs.  At night, I would sleep on the couch to avoid her favorite pillow. I never moved the robe she had draped across our bed. It was the day she was admitted into The HOSPICE.  After her death, avoiding became a way of life for me.

At the same time that I believe that grief consumes those left behind, I also believe that grief, like life and death, has a beginning and an end. One must permit and give ourselves permission to grieve.  However, recognize that time continues.  Time moves forward and we must walk with it.  Refuse the tendency to stop it in its tracks.  Clinging to grief doesn't stop time, it stops us.  More importantly, as I discovered, it dishonors the life one has lost. 

My wife loved life.  Each day, she perfected it by appreciating what life had given her.  Whether in perfect health or in her suffering, she loved living it.  She appreciated the smallest and least significant things life offered.  It gave me an appreciation for my own life.

As I began to wrap my grieving around such a wonderful human being, I began to realize how lucky I had been.  God gave her to me, so that I could share my life with her.  I loved our time together so much that I can still taste it. Then, things started to change.  At first, I noticed that when grieving crept in, I would smile at her memory.  Pillow, robe, and photographs became wonderful reminders of her.  Oh yes, I wept, but smiled at the same time.

Today, I cherish her memory and even laugh at the things we did together.  I had it pretty nice for 39 years.  She was a wonderful human being who loved others-- and I was the husband she chose.  Nice!  God blessed me with a wonderful wife; and here thought, I was just lucky.

I hated to watch her suffering. She didn't deserve any of that.  I said something stupid once and she reminded me as she always did. I said, "I wish it wasn't you.  I wish I could trade places with you."  She simply smiled and said, "Come here.  Even if that were possible, who is to say that my circumstances would not be the same at a later time? This is God's time for me; not yours.  Your time is coming." 

Yes, life and death has a beginning and an end, but so does grieving.  My time is coming and so is yours.  Give yourself permission to grief and cherish who you have lost.  I am sure that my wife, and your loved one, would have wanted to continue the beautiful life they were given.  Grieving taught me to think about who I lost. It also taught me to appreciate and smile the time we spent together.  Oh yes, I had it nice, but so did you.  Some have had less time than us. They had less time with their loved one.  They weren't as lucky as us.  

I leave you with my wife's words, not mine:  "I want you to squeeze every ounce of energy, out of every minute you have been given.  Enjoy life as I have enjoyed it.  Now, go and live your life." 

So smile today.  Don't forget to cry.  Remember how nice you had it. You had someone very special.  It was great!

Grieve? Yes.  But, don't fight time from moving forward, embrace it or time, will stop you.    

Flex

 

 

 

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Sorry to hear you lost your Mom. I do believe losing a Mom is one of the hardest thing in our lives. They are the ones who are/were always the closest to us. And as much as you'll hate to hear this, but it is true: time will become your friend and will help you. First it will be your enemy. Because it seems mean as it keeps going on as if nothing happened. But you'll realize, it's a silent friend, and it helps you. But it won't happen tomorrow. After I lost my Mom it took two years of complete depression. I almost got kicked out my elementary school, and no matter how hard teachers were trying to help me, I just shrugged my shoulder and looked at them and said "I don't care". That was my defense...defense against the pain that hit me when I lost my Mom. I decided in my head, that I won't care about anything ever again. If I don't care, I cannot get hurt. I lived this life for two years. My Mom came to my dreams almost all the time, I had no single day I wasn't thinking of her. But through my dreams, she told me she wants me to be happy and that she feels so bad that she caused this to me. And I started to feel bad...because I knew it wasn't her fault and I shouldn't make her feel guilty. So I realized I need to stand up, dust myself off, and fight this creepy life of mine. But this all took a long time. Give yourself some time! And try to remember that she would want to see you happy!!!! That is a happiness for her! Don't make her sad, or guilty. You don't see her, but she is all around you and always watching you- every single step. Okay? Wish you strength!

socrossedup
Posts: 10
Joined: Feb 2015

I have found that with time. It's been just over a month now, and some days my mind will play tricks on me. It feels like years ago and the next day it feels like just seconds. But it has become more manageable....My life is drastically different now, and I'm just trying to figure out how to get through each day and what to do now. 

The depression part is where I'm stuck right now. I know it will get better. After my Dad passed away last year it took almost five months to be just ok but it did happen. 

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