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My Brave Husband

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 278
Joined: Aug 2008

Even though the doctor told us yesterday that is nothing more for them to do for my husband, he told me he is not giving up.  After my husband insisting that he would like to be put back on chemo and her explaining to him that since he is this weak any chemo would just kill him faster, he told me he is not going to give up.  He is a fighter and truly the bravest man i have ever known. she said, i believe you are dying, nothing is going to help you - it will just make you more miserable. She said, it's time to be at home and be comfortable and spend time with your family.  I cried all the way home from the doctors while driving, my husband was so upset that i was upset that i had to pull myself together for his sake.  I have decided, that if i have to cry i will do it when and where he can't see or hear me. I don't think it's fair to make him feel guilty. he keeps telling me that he is sorry that he is dying and that he got sick, and i keep telling him that it's not his fault and that we are all dying, just some go faster than others.  Right now, i am trying to make things as close to normal as possible, as he made a comment to me the other day that he feels as though he is losing control of the situation.  I am trying to include him in any decisions that need to be made so he doesn't feel as though he has no control. Ironically we just had our Wills redone the other day and they became signed and legal the day before we visited the doctor; i told him just because we have our Wills redone doesn't mean you can just throw your hands up in the air and quit. He said, i'm not planning on doing that, i'm fighting right until the end - little did we know that we would be told the end is coming.  It is hard to be hopeful that their could be a miracle, but i guess one can always hope.  On a good note, his blood work is all good, his liver enzymes are a little off, but she said you are not yellow and your urine is clear, so that is good.  She is sending him for another blood test on Monday to check it again, because the one she is looking at is from 2 weeks ago.  I am just hoping that his enzymes are doing better and i will have more time with him.

Sandi

 

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1388
Joined: May 2012

I'm not really sure what to say so just know that I'm putting good juju for you guys into the universe right now. 

LindaK.
Posts: 490
Joined: Apr 2013

Oh, Sandi, I am so sad to read this update.  It's time to call in the troops, take a leave from work, call all your relatives, hospice, friends, etc.  I'm not sure what else you can do medically if your oncologist said they won't give him chemo.  We have a love/hate relationship with chemo.  My husband was off it for 6 weeks and felt like he needed it (like a junkie).  Maybe your husband is feeling the same way now.  I don't have any advice on how to deal with that, but I'm sure one of the kind folks here will have some advice for you.

Stay strong!

Linda

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Sandi i think your husbands feelings for you is much like my feelings for my wife. She is my sole motivation for fighting. I am sure his love for you is where he gets all his strength and bravery from. I am sure he knows its not his fault but is still hard not to feel guilty. I know i experience 24/7 even though i know its not my fault. You are both lucky to have each other.

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Your post is heartbreaking and beautiful.  Your love for each is  obvious.  This disease is so unfair.  Wishing both of you peace and miracles.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4780
Joined: Jan 2013

but I wonder if your husband wants you to tell him that its OK to stop the fight. Is he fighting for you or for himself now? How love can make us go through hell for another person. 

I know I'm not saying this clearly, but somewhere along the line, I guess he might need to hear that its all right for him to die and leave you. He might feel he needs your permission. 

My heart aches for both of you. My heart aches for the choices that have to be made. May you both find comfort in each other, and find joy in the days that you have left. 

And no, don't EVER give up on the miracle, it could very well be out there. 

As for hiding your tears; it sounds to me like your husband will know when you've been crying, and still feel your pain. Weep together, and find comfort in each others arms. 

God bless you both. 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

Can you get a 2nd opinion? What about getting him into a trial? 

Please take care of yourself. 

Lin

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Do you live in a cannabis approved state?  I'm trying it now, too early to say how it's working. 

 

Google Rick Simpson oil.  On FB look at cannabis cures cancer. 

TheLadySkye's picture
TheLadySkye
Posts: 195
Joined: Oct 2013

My heart and prayers are with you and your family.  I'm praying for that miracle!

Yolllmbs's picture
Yolllmbs
Posts: 361
Joined: May 2014

Your post was so touching. Your love and strength is so stirring. It's so hard when you are not in control.  You are an amazing partner. I think the hardest thing about the word cancer is the fear that comes with it. Not just the patient but the family and friends that surround you. You're husband sounds like an amazing, loving partner. Only God knows the timetable. Love and live life as much as you can. All of our beautiful, happy, wonderful memories are glued together with the challenging times. My prayers for peace and strength. 

Yolanda

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

There is no doubt about your strong love for each other.  This made me weep.  I'm so sorry.  All I can say is live the life to the fullest with him right now, treasure those moments.  And if he doesn't feel like giving up, I'd say go to the cannibas oil, you never know and it won't hurt and it will help him feel like he is still doing something.

As for the chemo, I can't believe I said this, but I told my doc a couple of years ago while I was off chemo waiting for surgery, that I actually had felt better when I was doing the chemo, funny stuff what our bodies make us feel.

I send my love and hugs,

Winter Marie

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Sandi, it is times like this when I wish our help could be more tangible.  Your love is a great gift to each other. My prayers for strength and wisdom as you make decisions .....and my hope for a miracle. Try whatever he wants to try...cannibas oil, trial, another opinion....most importantly, find moments of joy. My heart is with you both.  

Hugs,

CM

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3322
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Sandi, I am so very sad to hear the news that you and hubby got at last dr. visit.

My prayers are with you both, as you make the most of whatever time is left.

Marie who loves kitties

Semira's picture
Semira
Posts: 378
Joined: Mar 2012

so sorry for this news. Don't know what to say.

A big hug from Germany

Petra

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 278
Joined: Aug 2008

He is so Brave, he is doing tests, trying to eat because he knows it's important even though he doesn't feel like eating. He takes his pills, and the liquid medicine that tastes like crap.  He made plans for his brother to come visit this weekend and then told me when i got home - which is nothing new for him! he is always doing that to me. we decided to invite his family over for a BBQ on Sunday, because that's what my husband wants to do. 

For those of you that mentioned he should try a trial, he had been accepted into a trial and is still on their list - but he is not allowed to have the chemo because he just had surgery a couple fo weeks ago, but now he is too weak to have any chemo.  The doctor said that it would just make him miserable and kill him faster than not doing anything.  That is what is making him feel out of control.

As for the cannabis oil, i did look into it - but the place i looked needed to have a note or a script from a doctor that participates in the program, which our doctor does not. Actually, there are no doctors in our area that do.  He asked me last night to look into that for him, he was very sad when i told him that we needed to have a script from a doctor taht we have been seeing for at least 4 months.  Oh Well.

I will try to keep you all updated, good news is - he is not jaundice, so that's good.

Sandi

 

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012

Hope is a belief in something that is intangible, much the same as faith.  Sadly, Sandi, we have good markers to identify when and if the end is near.  Often, it seems, at the moment, the event horizon if you will, we can not identify whether there is a blessing encapsulated in what appears to be a curse.  

For some of us it is the fight, the battle, even when the war is being lost.  It is a delaying action, preventing too rapid an overwhelming surge that would rob us of that precious resource: time.  In time is the hope of a miracle, trial, or breakthrough.  Time represents, for some, a measure of success against a persistent and deadly enemy.

The balancing act of quality vs quanitity is an individual cunundrum with no standardized measure.  Our doctors, although they seem rather oblivious at times, have a humanitarian bend as well.  Keeping us informed, even when the news is bad, we get the information to help us with this conundrum and our individual paths.

Peace and comfort,

Art

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