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I just wanted to share this with you all...

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

I wrote this post for another site a few years ago, and I've posted it once before here (I think...dang chemo brain).  But I wanted to share it again, given all that our little virtual family has gone through of late.  It helped me to write it.  I hope it helps some of you as well.

 

BEACH GLASS

The Pacific Ocean. There is no other place quite like it. When I was in treatment, I spent as many days as I could at the coast, absorbing the tangy salt smell, the cries of the gulls, the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. It filled me with a sense of peaceful energy, enough to give me the strength to return to the city and another brutal round of chemo. My son and I would spend many hours wandering along the edge of the water, heads down, searching. We were on the lookout for little treasures, especially beach glass. I’m not sure why, but Owen gets so excited (me too!) at the sight of a smooth, colorful bit of glass. Edges rounded by years of tumbling in the sand and waves, they are wonderful to touch. And the colors! Green, blue, white, brown,,,did you know red is the rarest? Of every five thousand pieces, only one will be red. The day we found not one, but two, pieces of red glass was such a thrill! But one day, Owen picked up a piece that was still sharp. It poked his finger and he dropped it, with a yelp. He was surprised by this and asked me why the glass had hurt him. I explained to him that it was too new a piece, too fresh…the passage of time hadn’t yet worked its magic, smoothing the edges and making it easier to hold. It occurred to me as I talked with my son that grief is much the same way. In the first weeks, months, perhaps even years, of mourning the loss of someone we love, the grief is very much like that piece of glass that cut my son. Its edges are sharp, it hurts to hold. But as time passes, the contours of our grief begin to change, to be softened and smoothed. It becomes possible to hold our grief close, to handle it and feel its shape, without suffering the sharpness of a cut. Our grief is still there, still very real, but transformed by time into something a little softer, more gentle to the touch. It is neither an easy process nor a quick one, but in the end, every jagged shard earns its own rare beauty.

 

Dedicated to all our fellow cancer fighters here at CSN who have passed on. You are missed.

Lots o' love to all~AA
devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 631
Joined: Jan 2010

...  "In the first weeks, months, perhaps even years, of mourning the loss of someone we love, the grief is very much like that piece of glass that cut my son. Its edges are sharp, it hurts to hold. But as time passes, the contours of our grief begin to change, to be softened and smoothed. It becomes possible to hold our grief close, to handle it and feel its shape, without suffering the sharpness of a cut. Our grief is still there, still very real, but transformed by time into something a iittle softer, more gentle to the touch. It is neither an easy process nor a quick one, but in the end, every jagged shard earns its own rare beauty"  ...

I am putting this on my desk so that I can read it often.  Thanking for sharing. Love ya. ~ Cynthia

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Well, I almost made it to the end without crying....

It's a beautiful post Ann, and like the other Cynthia, I'm also going to print this out. 

Thank you dear, that was really lovely, and wise.  :)

Cynthia

danker
Posts: 1282
Joined: Apr 2012

See, our sharp pieces will get smooth with time.  When the king asked the wise man for a saying that would fit all occasions, the reply was: This too shall pass.  Not that we will forget our loved ones, but the hurt will soften over time.  Hang in there  Dear.

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

Ann for posting this,it has been a very hard Christmas for me and my family with the passing of my stepdad of 40 years.my mother (wolfen) should print this one.at least i got to hear his voice on Christmas day when i called my mom she was not home and the answereing machine picked up.later found out her ,my brother and nephew had went to the cemetary to leave some flowers.you are a very kind and caring person and im glad you are part of this board....Godbless....johnnybegood

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Hey Jbg..been wondering how you are doing.  Hope you are doing well.

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

i have been given a holiday break that will soon be over(having anxiety) had a ct scan on Dec.19 and will see my onc on Jan6,after being in the hospital we have room to lower the dosage on irrinatecan so i know i will be stating back the week of jan 6 more than likely.oh and my flex sig was good no cancer in original site but he did say my colon was very red and irritated.thanks for asking...Godbless...johnnybegood

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi JBG

I was happy to see you back on the forum.   Folfiri was very difficult for me.   We are sending our thoughts and prayers for your strength and health in 2014!

 

Best Always,  mike

 

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012

Anna,

I thought that I would be strong enough to read through your beautiful post without being overwhelmed.

Did not work out that way.Cry

Thank you for sharing those enduring thoughts with all of us.  My experience with grief has been similar.  Not only my own, but others as well.  

For my own sanity, I add a layer of callous to my personality.  Thank you for helping to peel it away: if only for a few minutes.  

Yet, for me that is, despite this layer, layer of emotional armor, I have yet to become immune to the toll that grief brings. 

Shalom,

Art

traci43's picture
traci43
Posts: 775
Joined: Jul 2007

What a wonderful way to look at grief.  I will remember this post.  Thanks for sharing!  Traci

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Thanks so much, Ann....a wonderful reflection.

blessings for the New Year

CM

Chelsea71
Posts: 1170
Joined: Sep 2012

Thank you, Ann.  Beautifully written and very comforting to read.   I could feel my sharp edges softening as I read your words.  I'm very grateful that you decided to post it again.

jen2012
Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Very beautiful Ann - thanks for sharing!

mrscrain's picture
mrscrain
Posts: 11
Joined: Dec 2013

Thank you for sharing.  I've never heard that before and I certainly won't forget it.  Very powerful story there. 

Much appreciation,

Melissa

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Thank you AA.  I love to collect sea glass and will often ride my bike down the street and walk through the tide pools and look for those treasures.  It is so peaceful and something I love to do.

Thank you for sharing.

Aloha

Kathleen

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

A great story!   So many times we forget what is really important.

 

Best Always!   mike

rls67
Posts: 127
Joined: Nov 2012

you are a godsend to all of us. I wish I had half your strength and courage and heart.

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

you do have it, just as much as I do.  The fact that you are walking the path with your wife on this hardest of journeys, not turning your back on her when she needs you most, says it all.  It takes courage to deal with a cancer diagnosis...it takes something beyond courage to love and care for those of us dealing with this wretched disease.

Love and strength to you and your wife.

AA

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