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Scared but Still Here

leesag's picture
Posts: 625
Joined: Jan 2010

Ok, I know it's been a long time since I've been active here...(that's good though, right?)  But tonight, I've got some things that I have to unload.  Please bear with me.

Those of you who've been here since Hissy Fitz and Dorian may remember me.  I'm not a whiner or a fatalist.  I'm a survivor.  But tonight I find myself in need of some prayers and positive thoughts.  I've had one recurrence, brain mets in which my Ca125 doubled about every 2 weeks. This year, my CA125 has been creeping up since January.  Not anything significant yet, from 12 in Jan. to  28 in Nov. , my oncologist assures me that anything below 35 is normal and nothing to worry about, but it hasn't been stable...only rising.

 On top of that, my husband for almost 15 years told me at the end of May that was leaving me.  He tells me he's just not happy, but he's told others it's because after the steroids, brain surgery ,whole brain radiation and gamma knife to eliminate the tumors in my brain that I "got fat and my hair didn't grow back right."  Ergo, he's not attracted to me anymore.  

I understand that that is his problem, not mine, but it still adds to the stress in my life.  Stress that I don't need, nor do I deserve.  I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm not sure I can go through this alone.


Not asking for solutions, as I don't think there are any, just asking for prayers.  I've always found comfort here, from Dorian, Linda, Hissy Fitz and many many others who are still here...hoping to find it again.


Love and Good Health to all,



lovesanimals's picture
Posts: 1364
Joined: Sep 2011

Please  come here any time to unload.  You're not alone on this board.  We're here to support you in any way we can.  I know how scary it is to see your CA125 slowly creep upward but the fact that your oncologist isn't worried is a very good sign.  I'm so sorry that your husband has turned out to be a "lemon" (to put it mildly) but you are a strong fighter and can get through this journey without him.  In the meantime, know that I'm sending lots of prayers and cyber hugs your way.



poopergirl14052's picture
Posts: 1185
Joined: Nov 2010

for you always.....I am so sorry about your husband. You have fought and fought to to survive...we all look different after cancer ..surgery...radiation. We are still strong beautiful woman. I pray your Ca-125 goes down..stress..infection can cause a rise. I remember Carlene.Linda P.and many more. I miss them as well. Praying for you....come back and let us know how you are.....val



mom2greatkids's picture
Posts: 528
Joined: Jun 2011

I will say a prayer for you.  When I joined the board in 2011, you were one of several who gave me such encouragement.  The thought of brain mets terrified me. You were so brave!  Take care!!  Carla

scatsm's picture
Posts: 296
Joined: Apr 2013

I am so sorry to hear about your husband's selfish and immature response to your illness. It sounds like you already understand that it's about him not you , but that doesn't really help the fact that you have to deal with it. Come vent here and your teal sisters will be there for you...we can take it!

All the best,


JoanC's picture
Posts: 236
Joined: Jan 2009


I have been here on the board for almost 5 years and remember all my teal sister. You are such an inspiration to me and others. Hang in there

You are right you don't deserve this but karma is a wonderful thing. Sending prayers your way. Vent any time we are here for you.

(((HUGS))) Joan

Alexandra's picture
Posts: 1311
Joined: Jul 2012

I don't know your husband but from what you're telling he sounds like a real loser. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer and your friends are willing to testify on your behalf about the mean and disgusting things he said about you. Take him for all he's worth.

Sending you positive healing thoughts and big hugs,


kikz's picture
Posts: 1347
Joined: Jun 2010

about your troubles.  Seven years ago my man of 27 years "found" someone else.  I can honestly say even with all I have gone through since then, that was the most devastating time of my life.  I was hurt to the core.  It will take time, I know that is cliche but so true.  Talk about it as much as you need to and feel whatever you feel. 

I remember when you first shared about the brain mets.  When you beat that it gave me such hope.  I will pray for you and hope your numbers go back down.



Kaleena's picture
Posts: 1786
Joined: Nov 2009


Saying prayers for you to find a new direction in life and everything positive.



Cindy Bear
Posts: 570
Joined: Jul 2009

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.... and great big xmas hugs!!!!

NoTimeForCancer's picture
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mar 2013

You sumarized what you have been through and after reading it all I think is, "What a strong, remarkable woman!"


2timothy1 7's picture
2timothy1 7
Posts: 348
Joined: Jan 2012

Leesa  I am so sorry you are going through this! Wow! Sending prayer up for you now. 

Also , a distant hug for you.

Come back to vent often. It will Help.

wholfmeister's picture
Posts: 315
Joined: Dec 2012

Of course, we will pray for you and with you.

i don't want you to feel alone or scared.

you are a survivor and a fighter.

Posts: 1995
Joined: May 2003

I am so very sorry that someone with whom you have shared your life for so long has done this to you.  It's unimaginable that someone could be so selfish, shallow and hurtful, especially with all you have been through.  Find a top notch lawyer to take care of all the legal details, while you continue to take care of yourself.  I wouldn't be surprised if the rise in numbers could be related to all the stress and anxiety you've had.  

In the meantime, Leesa, you have my heartfelt prayers for your mind, body and spirit.  Maybe there's a support group (other than us here) who can help you get through this.  No family?  No friends to help you?  I'm sorry you feel so alone.  You can tell us anything, anytime.  Please keep coming back.  Sometimes just putting things in writing is helpful, too.  We're here for you - always.

Love, (((HUGS))) & Prayers,




Mwee's picture
Posts: 1341
Joined: Nov 2009

I'm still here, also. I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. Your husband was such a rock during your brain surgery. This disease just keeps chipping away at us. I'm glad that you came here. You are one of the strongest survivors that I've ever had the pleasure to "meet" and I know that in time you'll find your sea legs again.

I, too, hold Dorian, Linda, Carlene, Saundra, Bonnie and many others close. Each one taught me so very much and for me it's deep loss and also a feeling of survivor's guilt.

Your humor and insight has carried me through many a rough spot and I hope we can be of support to you.

                                            ((((((HUGS, dearest one)))))))      Maria






Cafewoman53's picture
Posts: 737
Joined: Jul 2010

Im sorry your marriage is not working but you have to concentrate on you, I can't imagine the stress a nd hurt you are going thru.

you are a survivor and we are here for you and even our departed sisters are probably looking out for us as well, we have a very strong bond here. 

When things are overwhelming for me I try to just address getting thru one day at a time ,sometimes even smaller goals if necessary .

love and peace


Rosamond M
Posts: 86
Joined: Apr 2013

I was so sorry to read your sad tale

About that horrid,nasty male.

You deserve a much better deal

Than you received from that "heel"!

I'm sure your future will be brighter

Now you've lost this awful blighter.

Many, many hugs are coming with this rhyme

And kind thoughts for a peaceful Christmas time.

Susan53's picture
Posts: 179
Joined: Jun 2011

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles and I will certainly be praying for you.  I am happy that you have decided to come here to let us know how you are doing.  I know that you are a fighter and a survivor and will get through all these troubles.  Hugs, Love and Prayers coming your way.

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 421
Joined: Apr 2012

so sorry to hear of your changes and added stressors.  I hope you have other significant supports to lean on and help you throu this agin. Kim

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