Scared but Still Here

leesag
leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
in Ovarian Cancer #1

Ok, I know it's been a long time since I've been active here...(that's good though, right?)  But tonight, I've got some things that I have to unload.  Please bear with me.

Those of you who've been here since Hissy Fitz and Dorian may remember me.  I'm not a whiner or a fatalist.  I'm a survivor.  But tonight I find myself in need of some prayers and positive thoughts.  I've had one recurrence, brain mets in which my Ca125 doubled about every 2 weeks. This year, my CA125 has been creeping up since January.  Not anything significant yet, from 12 in Jan. to  28 in Nov. , my oncologist assures me that anything below 35 is normal and nothing to worry about, but it hasn't been stable...only rising.

 On top of that, my husband for almost 15 years told me at the end of May that was leaving me.  He tells me he's just not happy, but he's told others it's because after the steroids, brain surgery ,whole brain radiation and gamma knife to eliminate the tumors in my brain that I "got fat and my hair didn't grow back right."  Ergo, he's not attracted to me anymore.  

I understand that that is his problem, not mine, but it still adds to the stress in my life.  Stress that I don't need, nor do I deserve.  I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm not sure I can go through this alone.

 

Not asking for solutions, as I don't think there are any, just asking for prayers.  I've always found comfort here, from Dorian, Linda, Hissy Fitz and many many others who are still here...hoping to find it again.

 

Love and Good Health to all,

 

Leesa

Comments

  • lovesanimals
    lovesanimals Member Posts: 1,366 Member
    #2
    Dear Leesa

    Please  come here any time to unload.  You're not alone on this board.  We're here to support you in any way we can.  I know how scary it is to see your CA125 slowly creep upward but the fact that your oncologist isn't worried is a very good sign.  I'm so sorry that your husband has turned out to be a "lemon" (to put it mildly) but you are a strong fighter and can get through this journey without him.  In the meantime, know that I'm sending lots of prayers and cyber hugs your way.

    Love,

    Kelly

  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #3
    lovesanimals said:

    Dear Leesa

    Please  come here any time to unload.  You're not alone on this board.  We're here to support you in any way we can.  I know how scary it is to see your CA125 slowly creep upward but the fact that your oncologist isn't worried is a very good sign.  I'm so sorry that your husband has turned out to be a "lemon" (to put it mildly) but you are a strong fighter and can get through this journey without him.  In the meantime, know that I'm sending lots of prayers and cyber hugs your way.

    Love,

    Kelly

    We are here

    for you always.....I am so sorry about your husband. You have fought and fought to to survive...we all look different after cancer ..surgery...radiation. We are still strong beautiful woman. I pray your Ca-125 goes down..stress..infection can cause a rise. I remember Carlene.Linda P.and many more. I miss them as well. Praying for you....come back and let us know how you are.....val

     

    2013-12-10

  • mom2greatkids
    mom2greatkids Member Posts: 528
    #4
    poopergirl14052 said:

    We are here

    for you always.....I am so sorry about your husband. You have fought and fought to to survive...we all look different after cancer ..surgery...radiation. We are still strong beautiful woman. I pray your Ca-125 goes down..stress..infection can cause a rise. I remember Carlene.Linda P.and many more. I miss them as well. Praying for you....come back and let us know how you are.....val

     

    2013-12-10

    I will say a prayer for you. 

    I will say a prayer for you.  When I joined the board in 2011, you were one of several who gave me such encouragement.  The thought of brain mets terrified me. You were so brave!  Take care!!  Carla

  • scatsm
    scatsm Member Posts: 296 Member
    #5
    You are among friends here

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband's selfish and immature response to your illness. It sounds like you already understand that it's about him not you , but that doesn't really help the fact that you have to deal with it. Come vent here and your teal sisters will be there for you...we can take it!

    All the best,

    Susan

  • JoanC
    JoanC Member Posts: 231 Member
    #6
    Leesa

    Lessa,

    I have been here on the board for almost 5 years and remember all my teal sister. You are such an inspiration to me and others. Hang in there

    You are right you don't deserve this but karma is a wonderful thing. Sending prayers your way. Vent any time we are here for you.

    (((HUGS))) Joan

  • Alexandra
    Alexandra Member Posts: 1,308
    #7
    Good to hear from you Leesa

    I don't know your husband but from what you're telling he sounds like a real loser. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer and your friends are willing to testify on your behalf about the mean and disgusting things he said about you. Take him for all he's worth.

    Sending you positive healing thoughts and big hugs,

    Alexandra

  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #8
    So sorry to hear

    about your troubles.  Seven years ago my man of 27 years "found" someone else.  I can honestly say even with all I have gone through since then, that was the most devastating time of my life.  I was hurt to the core.  It will take time, I know that is cliche but so true.  Talk about it as much as you need to and feel whatever you feel. 

    I remember when you first shared about the brain mets.  When you beat that it gave me such hope.  I will pray for you and hope your numbers go back down.

     

    Karen

  • Kaleena
    Kaleena Member Posts: 2,088 Member
    #9
    Leesa:
    Saying prayers for you

    Leesa:

    Saying prayers for you to find a new direction in life and everything positive.

     

    Kathy

  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #10
    Hi Leesa

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.... and great big xmas hugs!!!!

  • NoTimeForCancer
    NoTimeForCancer Member Posts: 3,486 Member
    #11
    You said it, "I'm a survivor"

    You sumarized what you have been through and after reading it all I think is, "What a strong, remarkable woman!"

    Hugs

  • 2timothy1 7
    2timothy1 7 Member Posts: 345
    #12
    Leesa

    Leesa  I am so sorry you are going through this! Wow! Sending prayer up for you now. 

    Also , a distant hug for you.

    Come back to vent often. It will Help.

  • wholfmeister
    wholfmeister Member Posts: 315
    #13
    Holding you up in prayer

    Of course, we will pray for you and with you.

    i don't want you to feel alone or scared.

    you are a survivor and a fighter.

  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    #14
    HUGS & PRAYERS TO YOU, LEESA

    I am so very sorry that someone with whom you have shared your life for so long has done this to you.  It's unimaginable that someone could be so selfish, shallow and hurtful, especially with all you have been through.  Find a top notch lawyer to take care of all the legal details, while you continue to take care of yourself.  I wouldn't be surprised if the rise in numbers could be related to all the stress and anxiety you've had.  

    In the meantime, Leesa, you have my heartfelt prayers for your mind, body and spirit.  Maybe there's a support group (other than us here) who can help you get through this.  No family?  No friends to help you?  I'm sorry you feel so alone.  You can tell us anything, anytime.  Please keep coming back.  Sometimes just putting things in writing is helpful, too.  We're here for you - always.

    Love, (((HUGS))) & Prayers,

    Monika

     

     

  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #15
    Dear Leesa

    I'm still here, also. I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. Your husband was such a rock during your brain surgery. This disease just keeps chipping away at us. I'm glad that you came here. You are one of the strongest survivors that I've ever had the pleasure to "meet" and I know that in time you'll find your sea legs again.

    I, too, hold Dorian, Linda, Carlene, Saundra, Bonnie and many others close. Each one taught me so very much and for me it's deep loss and also a feeling of survivor's guilt.

    Your humor and insight has carried me through many a rough spot and I hope we can be of support to you.

                                                ((((((HUGS, dearest one)))))))      Maria

     

     

     

     

     

  • Cafewoman53
    Cafewoman53 Member Posts: 735 Member
    #16
    I always love to read your posts

    Im sorry your marriage is not working but you have to concentrate on you, I can't imagine the stress a nd hurt you are going thru.

    you are a survivor and we are here for you and even our departed sisters are probably looking out for us as well, we have a very strong bond here. 

    When things are overwhelming for me I try to just address getting thru one day at a time ,sometimes even smaller goals if necessary .

    love and peace

    Colleen

  • Rosamond M
    Rosamond M Member Posts: 86 Member
    #17
    Scared but still here.

    I was so sorry to read your sad tale

    About that horrid,nasty male.

    You deserve a much better deal

    Than you received from that "heel"!

    I'm sure your future will be brighter

    Now you've lost this awful blighter.

    Many, many hugs are coming with this rhyme

    And kind thoughts for a peaceful Christmas time.

  • Susan53
    Susan53 Member Posts: 178
    #18
    Leesa

    I am so sorry to hear of your troubles and I will certainly be praying for you.  I am happy that you have decided to come here to let us know how you are doing.  I know that you are a fighter and a survivor and will get through all these troubles.  Hugs, Love and Prayers coming your way.

  • kimberly sue 63
    kimberly sue 63 Member Posts: 421 Member
    #19
    so sorry to hear of your

    so sorry to hear of your changes and added stressors.  I hope you have other significant supports to lean on and help you throu this agin. Kim

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