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Hard time with my daughter.

lp1964's picture
Posts: 1240
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday something has changed in me. I just finished a long nasty divorce. We lost everything we made with 20 years of hard work, but I'm ok with that, because I started a new life and despite of my cancer I'm very happy.

During and after the divorce my ex has alienated my 15 year old daughter from me with lies and accusations and it got really bad where she didn't want to see me at all and I was thinking about getting out of her life too so she has less conflict. But I kept fighting for her and got partial custody. Things slowly started getting better, but recently it just got too much for me chasing after my daughter's time. She shows no affection for me, offers no support, everything I try to suggest to guide her she rejects. This summer she was supposed to spend more time with me, but because of my illness I missed my June week and her mother won't let me make up for it. I asked my daughter to help me, bit she made no effort and stayed very cold towards me. I realize that she is a teenager and this may pass, but I just ran out of steam.

Not too long ago I was ok to fight for her and make an effort to be part of her life, but now I'm tired. I have a lot of people giving me support here on this forum, my doctors, nurses, wife, siblings. Yesterday I realized that I cannot deal with people who don't try to help or cant handle my illness including my daughter. When I feel like each time I have to fight for her to be with me and this really brings me down emotionally and now physically Which I cannot afford any more. 

I plan to tell her this and now I'm ready to let her go if that's how it has to be.

Any thoughts?


kennyt's picture
Posts: 110
Joined: Jun 2013

I'm sorry your having these problems with your daughter,seems like the last thing you need

wawaju04976's picture
Posts: 316
Joined: Dec 2012

So very sorry to hear this. Teen years are so hard, but so is cancer.


Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Don't give up.    Write her a letter and tell her all you want her to know, then let her know you care.  Its up to her, but she will have the letter years from now to know thar you realy cared about her.  Life is hard with a teenager without cancer, I have 4 daughters.  Just give her love.  


Not sure who did to what to whom, but this isn't the time to go back, just forward.  

Just my suggestion  Love her when you see here.  It was hard for us to get my step daughters in their teenage years, they wanted to be home around their friends.  But we are all close.



Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

Laz - we too have a 15 yr old daughter- UGH!   I try to tell my husband to be her friend and let me parent her for awhile.  He grew up with just brothers and doesn't get the whole teenage girl thing.  They are tough.    Maybe you can try being her friend and let her mom be the parent.  That is not to say let her get away with stuff - just don't try to control every little thing.    Please don't turn her away.  I know she looks and sounds like an adult, but she's still a kid that is probably very scared.  My daughter puts on the tough front but has broken down to me several times - never to her dad. I think she is just pissed off that he is sick and upsetting her life!    Give her space but don't shut her out.   Text her every day to let her know that you love her and are thinking of her and want to spend time with her when she is able to be kind.  Oh and please try to say nice things about her mom..as difficult as it may be.

Good luck and don't forget about the whole frontal lobe thing with teenagers....



lp1964's picture
Posts: 1240
Joined: Jun 2013

Everything you say is true and I agree with. But how can you work with the other parent who tells my daughter and me that I'm not that sick and I'm just trying to get out of paying support, while I have incredible pain, blood, stool and mucous oozing out of my butt and I still drive an hour and a half one way to work and pay her more than $5700 support a month. She has no moral inhibition and can't realize that she is not just hurting me but demaging our daughter too.

My daughter believed all her lies about me and she told them to my face. I still try to hang in there, but now that I'm ill,  I just have hard time to fight it. I know I can't and won't get out of her life, but things need to change. Her attitude makes me depressed and more sick and I'm not a wimp. It's real.

Thank you for listening.


Posts: 308
Joined: Mar 2012

Someone always gets hurt regardless of how amicable a divorce is..teenage girls...their hormones are going nuts, they float between wanting to be the baby girl and the grown woman all at once.  Continue to love her, if she doesn't want to spend time with you, not much you can do about that..Just keep letting her know, you love her no matter what.

Do you think she might be protecting herself, if she thinks you are going to die and leave her, she may be trying to distance herself now thinking it won't hurt so bad if it happens.

Kids are smart, they see through bull crap fairly quickly and if that is what mom is feeding her, it will eventually bite her in the butt!

I raised two boys and now have a 10 year old going on 20 year old granddaughter..her daddy came over the other day talking about how she was happy one minute and crying the next! :)  I told him to just wait it would get even better! :)

Keep loving her!  Good luck!  Hope you get to feeling better physically and emotionally!



MaryCarol5's picture
Posts: 102
Joined: May 2013

I divorced 8 years ago and my children were 16, 14, 12, and 10.  My ex husband has kept me in court ever since.  I will point out that he has never won a case.  He is a case.  With that being said, I do not talk to him and haven't in over 6 years- not one word.  It is possible to raise children without talking to the other parent.  I can't think of any time that our "lack" of communication caused a problem. 

Now for the point I wanted to make.  I raised 4 teenagers in the wake of a nasty divorce.  I rarely spoke badly of their father.  If I did, it was a quick "what an ***" and I was done.  If they asked questions about our relationship, I gave them the simplest honest answer and left it at that.  To put it all plainly, I didn't include them in my feelings of the divorce.  Of course, he didn't hold back.  He used every opportunity to bad mouth me to them and lied regularly.  Now....I raised smart children.  I took the 'high road" and kept my mouth shut.  I just kept being myself, loving and supporting them.     But....  They, one by one, took time away from me to stay with him and I reluctantly but quietly let them go.  And..... They each came back.  

Now that they are all adults, I have their love and more importantly, their respect.  And sadly, he only has their obligatory love. 

Just keep loving her.  Tell her often.  Be her guide even when she rejects your advice.  Give her space, but always be available.  And leave her mother out of your relationship with her.  She will come around.  She will. 


Momof2plusteentwins's picture
Posts: 508
Joined: May 2012

Girls are difficult period. Moods are up and down. I have 1 girl and 3 boys. My daughter is older and married and son married, but I have twin 15 year old boys. I would take 10 boys over 1 girl. My daughter was so difficult at 15. My twin boys - really simple. Your daughter probably relates to your ex wife more and it makes it easier for her to be around her than you. But girls at 15 want to talk on the phone and hang out with friends. She probably doesn't want to hang out with either parent. Try not to take it personal. 15 is a difficult age. Let her know you live her and want to see her when she has time and just focus on cancer. She will come around.
Sandy :)

Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

This is a difficult situation.  My husband's exwife used to tell his kids what a terrible parent he was, how he didn't love them, doesn't want them around, etc. etc.  If they said that to him he would calmly tell them just the opposite, never demeaning the mother though, and he was just there when they needed him.  After they grew up, they realized all that their mother told them about my husband was untrue and now see her in a different light today.  Try to stay strong for your daughter.  She really does need you whether it seems it or not.  Tell her that you are going through a very difficult time right now and how much her support would help you get through it.  Be with her when you can and reassure her that you will always love her.  Hope things turn around for you.


Coloncancerblows's picture
Posts: 296
Joined: Feb 2013


I'm so sorry what you're going thru.  I had a similar situation when my son was 15 and his dad and I divorced.  They moved out of state so I didn't see him that often.  Something happened when he turned 18 and he wanted nothing to do with me.  Why????  I'll never know.  For 3 years I had no contact with him whatsoever even though I tried to reach out to him.  Three years later when he was 21, I got a letter from him out of the blue and he said he wanted to come visit and he had grown up.  Since those 3 years, we've been in constant contact.  This isn't any advice really but just wanted to let you know sometimes kids have a mind of their own and have to realize what's right themselves.  Your ex is terrible saying bad things about you.  I'll pray that she grows up soon and realizes what a caring father she has. 

wawaju04976's picture
Posts: 316
Joined: Dec 2012

You might want to write letters, say monthly, and keep them (her mother would probably intercept them). Then, when she is an adult, give them to her. She will know how much you cared for her and never stopped thinking of her.


lp1964's picture
Posts: 1240
Joined: Jun 2013

...for taking the time in the middle of your own troubles to give me great advise. This seems like a minor issue in the middle of our illness, but I tell you that when things blow up it makes you will worse than the cancer itsel. But at the same time when you have good supporting people around you that is as important as medication or surgery, because in this whole fight you have to do what you have to do to survive, but more unimportantly you have to find and maintain reasons to live for. And that's most of the time good relationships , whether professional, friendship, family or romantic.

thanks again, 


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