“We Didn’t See This One Coming, Did We?”

Sundanceh
Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

How am I supposed to feel now about Recurrence #4?

 

How would anyone feel if it were them?

 

I believe the operative word when I broke the news to the community was ‘stunned.’

 

That’s certainly how I felt... 

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Comments

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    I'm here

    I will always be here, I cannot remove myself from this 4th edition.  Do not feel bad, your words go right into all of our souls. You're right - everyone has the same fears so I can only say for myself - thank you for voicing those fears.  It helps all of us deal with cancer.

    My husband said something yesterday similar to "you'll miss me when I'm gone" and I though of you, Craig, and I just took his hand and said "Yes I will"   See how you have helped me (and my husband) just by knowing what is going on in his head??  THANK YOU for all that insight.  How lucky I am to have found this site and to hear your wonderful and kind words.  I wish I had your gift of writing such awesome words, but I can thank you over and over for sharing your words with us.  They have such a calming effect on me. 

    Love, Linda

  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278 Member
    We are sending you are Love

    We are sending you are Love and support!   We all need as many people sending good thoughts and prayers for each of us to find our solution.   I understand your battle and I have a Loving wife always at my side during the battle. I have it easier then some, and harder then some. Each of us have our own battle.

     

    Best Always,  mike

     

    PS  When we find out about more trials at UCSD we will ppost the info on how to get in them.

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    Your post brings tears to my

    Your post brings tears to my eyes. Not because it reminds me of what could happen to me but because you have to face this terrible reality again. There is nothing to appologize for. You didn't let us down. Cancer let us down by choosing to attack you again.

    I am glad that you put your family behind you. You don't need any negative distractions.

    I am also glad that you are not accepting your oncologist approach and are taking charge of the situation.

    Please keep us up to date on any developments.

    Thanks for taking the time to write another great post.

    We are your family.

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Dear Craig

    Please know that you have NOT let us down or stolen our hope!  You did not ask for this to happen.

    Given how much you have given us and been there for us, we would have been hurt if you had kept this to yourself and not let us as your family be there for you.

    As you rally your medical troups and assess the options, know that we are here for whatever you need in emotional support.  I know there are many who wish we were not separated by such distance so we could help in other ways as well.

    Sending you many hugs, much love and hope.

    Marie who loves kitties

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Dear Craig

    Please know that you have NOT let us down or stolen our hope!  You did not ask for this to happen.

    Given how much you have given us and been there for us, we would have been hurt if you had kept this to yourself and not let us as your family be there for you.

    As you rally your medical troups and assess the options, know that we are here for whatever you need in emotional support.  I know there are many who wish we were not separated by such distance so we could help in other ways as well.

    Sending you many hugs, much love and hope.

    Marie who loves kitties

    I Know, Marie

    That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

    I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

    When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

    I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

    I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

    Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

    I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

    I fear we might have waited too long...

    We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

    Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

    We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

    This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

    And then the news....

    And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

    I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

    Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

    So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

    It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

    It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

    I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

    So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

    I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

    There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

    I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

    I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

    I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

    I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

    That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

    In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

    Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

    I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

    I'm upset about many things.....

    I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

    Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

    I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

    Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

    And I just don't understand.....

     

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    I Know, Marie

    That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

    I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

    When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

    I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

    I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

    Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

    I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

    I fear we might have waited too long...

    We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

    Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

    We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

    This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

    And then the news....

    And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

    I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

    Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

    So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

    It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

    It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

    I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

    So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

    I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

    There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

    I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

    I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

    I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

    I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

    That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

    In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

    Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

    I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

    I'm upset about many things.....

    I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

    Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

    I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

    Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

    And I just don't understand.....

     

    Ah, Craig...

    my heart is breaking here.  You haven't let us down in any way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  You've provided a great deal of guidance and support to people here, and now it's our turn to do the same for you.  We will walk this path with you, every step of the way.

    I can't make any comment on the ways of the Almighty, not being a believer myself, but I am a huge believer in humanity, in our ability to hold together as a community, and to share our hearts with each other.  You've done that in the good times, and it will be a great gift to all of us to have you continue to do this, as best you can, during the journey ahead.

    I wish you could get that trip.

    Lots o' love from your librarian gal.

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    I'm so sorry Craig that you
    I'm so sorry Craig that you are hurting physically and emotionally. I'm really hoping things start looking up and you can take that trip. You deserve it! So frustrating that you cant just move on and live life after fighting so hard and long already.
  • danker
    danker Member Posts: 1,276 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    I Know, Marie

    That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

    I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

    When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

    I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

    I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

    Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

    I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

    I fear we might have waited too long...

    We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

    Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

    We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

    This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

    And then the news....

    And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

    I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

    Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

    So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

    It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

    It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

    I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

    So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

    I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

    There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

    I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

    I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

    I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

    I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

    That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

    In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

    Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

    I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

    I'm upset about many things.....

    I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

    Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

    I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

    Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

    And I just don't understand.....

     

    Craig

    I am so sorry to hear of your new troubles.  We all walk to God on different paths, but Yours is the bumpiest I'v ever seen.

  • Chelsea71
    Chelsea71 Member Posts: 1,169 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    I Know, Marie

    That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

    I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

    When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

    I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

    I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

    Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

    I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

    I fear we might have waited too long...

    We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

    Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

    We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

    This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

    And then the news....

    And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

    I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

    Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

    So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

    It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

    It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

    I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

    So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

    I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

    There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

    I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

    I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

    I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

    I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

    That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

    In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

    Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

    I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

    I'm upset about many things.....

    I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

    Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

    I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

    Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

    And I just don't understand.....

     

    Hey Craig,
    Just wanted to

    Hey Craig,

    Just wanted to address this letting people down business. I wasn't a CSN member last time you were dealing with a recurrence but I do know what you were dealing with in terms of the cancer. It was quite widespread. I have always thought your cancer would return. I have always thought there would be a number 4. But, after all that other cancer, liver, lungs.... You got two years of remission. To me that is amazingly hopeful. Recurrence number four changes nothing. You're story is and always will be a success story. Your situation, at times, was very grim. You were very sick. You turned that into two years of NED. You are still in that small group of long time CSN members that gives me hope. I am not sure that Steve will be able to turn things around this time. But sometimes I think of how you struggled with your last recurrences and then went on to be clear for two years and it gives me hope. Nothing has changed.

    Chels
  • Goldie1
    Goldie1 Member Posts: 264 Member
    Dear Craig,

    Your post moved me very much.  I know in my heart, that every person on this board would never, ever, even consider that you let them down.  

    Even though I don't get on here as much as I would like, or feel qualified to answer some postings, I try to read as many posts as I can to keep up with the good people on this board.  Which leads to your posts Craig, you put your heart and soul into each and every sentence you write and that takes a lot of chutzpah if you ask me.  And I thank you for that.

    Ellen

     

     

  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    G'day mateIt
    It is a difficult and very sad time for many of us on this board. You and Steved have been supportive of so many people over the years . It is hard for people to see their hopes and heroes in a fight for their lives. I wish it were otherwise. I have never said much about God and religion all along I simply have had faith in my own abilities to deal with things that way if I do something stupid I only have my self to blame.
    Sometimes I think we give cancer too much credit. It has no personality ,it is just a crummy disease. The thing that I hate about it is how long it takes to kill us. If I had to write my epitaph I would like it to read "he died after a short illness" " not after a long battle with cancer".
    Good luck with everything Craig, I hope that they can give you some quality of life and some decent pain relief. You will be in my thoughts, Ron.
  • MaryCarol5
    MaryCarol5 Member Posts: 102
    Sundanceh said:

    I Know, Marie

    That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

    I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

    When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

    I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

    I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

    Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

    I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

    I fear we might have waited too long...

    We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

    Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

    We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

    This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

    And then the news....

    And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

    I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

    Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

    So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

    It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

    It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

    I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

    So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

    I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

    There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

    I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

    I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

    I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

    I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

    That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

    In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

    Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

    I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

    I'm upset about many things.....

    I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

    Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

    I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

    Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

    And I just don't understand.....

     

    Words do not come from me as

    Words do not come from me as beautifully written as they do you.  I wish that they did.  My thoughts and feelings mirror many others here.  I have heard you in my soul.  You have a wonderful gift.  And although the platform that I have come to "know" you sucks, I feel so incredibly blessed to have been touched by you Craig. 

    He does have plans for you.  Time will tell what those plans are.  Stay strong. 

    Love and hugs from the Delta,

    MC

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
    ron50 said:

    G'day mateIt
    It is a difficult and very sad time for many of us on this board. You and Steved have been supportive of so many people over the years . It is hard for people to see their hopes and heroes in a fight for their lives. I wish it were otherwise. I have never said much about God and religion all along I simply have had faith in my own abilities to deal with things that way if I do something stupid I only have my self to blame.
    Sometimes I think we give cancer too much credit. It has no personality ,it is just a crummy disease. The thing that I hate about it is how long it takes to kill us. If I had to write my epitaph I would like it to read "he died after a short illness" " not after a long battle with cancer".
    Good luck with everything Craig, I hope that they can give you some quality of life and some decent pain relief. You will be in my thoughts, Ron.

    Oh Craig........

    Your "cup runneth over". If only it were wine. I am certainly not trying to be funny with that expression. My heart just breaks for you and Kim with all that you are facing right now.

    As I read the portion of your post concerning emotions, it was as if you had been standing next to me on the day I went to see Ron and his room was empty due to his being moved to ICU. I didn't see that one coming and after talking to the doctor, the bottom just kind of dropped out. I knew in the long run that he would not survive the cancer treatments, but one minute he was complaining to the nurse that he wanted "off this blood machine and on to rehab" and the next minute "my" Ron was gone. In the blink of an eye............

    I went through each of the emotions that you described, but I never lost Hope until the very end. Do not lose Hope, my friend. Fight with every weapon you have. I know it will be a terrible uphill battle, but Hope and I and all of your family here will be right beside you.

    I wish that I could find the faith that you and JBG have, but I am stuck and always will be at the "I don't understand" part. Not just for all of us here, but for tragedies, in general.

    We had a discussion once about feeling that we had earned a little happiness, but I think we concluded that nobody really ever "earns" anything, no matter how you live your life. I think of those nineteen young men, that died Sunday fighting the widfire north of here, and for what. What purpose did that serve for "God"? For what purpose is he allowing you to go through this again?

    I'm sorry, but I truly don'y understand, either. You know you will be in my thoughts.

    Luv,

    "Mama"

  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    I love you, Craig

    My dear, dear Craig.

    I never want to read this kind of news about anyone here, but I especially never wanted to read it about you. You are a very precious person to all of us in the group. You have always had such good advice, and your posts are so beautifully written. Even in this heartbreaking post, there is so much to admire about the way you put the words together.

    I'm glad you are having faith be a part of this portion of the journey, and I will be praying for you here. And trust me on this, my friend, if you go "to Paris," you will never, ever be forgotten. You will be in my heart always.

    *Hugs*

    Gail

  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Craig

    Craig,

    My dear friend. I am here and I will be here.  I am heartbroken my friend.  Lifting you in the light.

     

    Aloha,

    Kathleen