“We Didn’t See This One Coming, Did We?”

We are sending you are Love and support!   We all need as many people sending good thoughts and prayers for each of us to find our solution.   I understand your battle and I have a Loving wife always at my side during the battle. I have it easier then some, and harder then some. Each of us have our own battle.

Best Always,  mike

PS  When we find out about more trials at UCSD we will ppost the info on how to get in them.

Please know that you have NOT let us down or stolen our hope!  You did not ask for this to happen.

Given how much you have given us and been there for us, we would have been hurt if you had kept this to yourself and not let us as your family be there for you.

As you rally your medical troups and assess the options, know that we are here for whatever you need in emotional support.  I know there are many who wish we were not separated by such distance so we could help in other ways as well.

Sending you many hugs, much love and hope.

Marie who loves kitties

Sundanceh said:

I Know, Marie

That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

I fear we might have waited too long...

We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

And then the news....

And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

I'm upset about many things.....

I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

And I just don't understand.....

 

my heart is breaking here.  You haven't let us down in any way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  You've provided a great deal of guidance and support to people here, and now it's our turn to do the same for you.  We will walk this path with you, every step of the way.

I can't make any comment on the ways of the Almighty, not being a believer myself, but I am a huge believer in humanity, in our ability to hold together as a community, and to share our hearts with each other.  You've done that in the good times, and it will be a great gift to all of us to have you continue to do this, as best you can, during the journey ahead.

I wish you could get that trip.

Lots o' love from your librarian gal.

Sundanceh said:

I Know, Marie

That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

I fear we might have waited too long...

We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

And then the news....

And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

I'm upset about many things.....

I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

And I just don't understand.....

 

I am so sorry to hear of your new troubles.  We all walk to God on different paths, but Yours is the bumpiest I'v ever seen.

Your post moved me very much.  I know in my heart, that every person on this board would never, ever, even consider that you let them down.  

Even though I don't get on here as much as I would like, or feel qualified to answer some postings, I try to read as many posts as I can to keep up with the good people on this board.  Which leads to your posts Craig, you put your heart and soul into each and every sentence you write and that takes a lot of chutzpah if you ask me.  And I thank you for that.

Ellen

Sundanceh said:

I Know, Marie

That would have hurt people far worse....by not saying anything. 

I'm about the truth behind the story of cancer...still, when folks see long-termers stumble, it can send a shockwave through them...know it always has for me.

When we were all trying to bang into the site last Friday and over w/end, I made sure I got a blurb of an update out there, because I didn't want folks going the whole w/end wondering...and fortunately, I was able to get a short post through.

I hope over the next 2-3 weeks, we'll know much more...and knowing a little will undoubtedly be of some kind of benefit...and then the speculation can stop. 

I really want to hear from my lung guy...my QOL is declining fast already...I mean quick....I can feel the difference in just a couple of weeks....and it's not psychosomatic either. 

Kim and I had talked about a trip at some point....and we always think that we will get notice from cancer, so we can plan for it.

I'm hurting badly enough right now, that I couldn't enjoy anything too much...a few more weeks, and yeah, I'm concerned.  I'm having a hard time now just as it is.

I fear we might have waited too long...

We had the chance to try and meet 'my other family' this November.....LMS's sister was selected for Make-A-Wish and chose Disneyworld in Florida:)

Last year, during the Garage Talks with my niece and nephew, I told them about taking our first 'family vacation' together...

We just got news of the dates....my niece was all excited, and texted me "Our Family Vacation."

This was before I got the news....she was so excited and really wants me to be there.  I almost texted her back and then something stopped me...

And then the news....

And when I read her text, it broke my heart and I started tearing and just couldn't rain on her parade.  My wife subsequetly told her...

I don't ask for much in this world - I've long given up on expecting too much to work out for me.  But, I wanted this trip....as if it were my last one.  I wanted to see Mickey and Cinderella through my little girl's eyes...

Logistically, it was going to be a challenge, but we were going to try and make a few days of their trip...through the generosity of that charity, they are covered and so it opened up the door that might have never been opened otherwise....you don't always get to go to The Happiest Place On Earth too many times in one's lifetime.

So, I'm really brokenhearted at this....

It's their trip, but was just hoping to touch and spend a little bit of time with the only physical family that remains for me....at best, I can only catch them once a year.....LMS is growing up so fast...she's really changed.....was 3 last year....and just turned 4.

It would be easy for me to feel bitter about this.....all of you know my story....know my struggles....and just when something like this is within reach....as usual, it is just far enough out of my grasp. 

I've always said I don't have much to fight for...not the type of things that most folks fight for...if I make it through this fight alive, my reward will be to come back to this same nasty, hateful workplace and be shunned in silence like they've done to me the past 17-months.

So, I was hoping for just a little something, you know?

I've turned my life over to God....tried to make it right....tried to do the right things...and yet He tests me harder and harder....and for what?

There is a part of me that just wants to go lie down right now....and never wake up. 

I'm just so tired of trying....and not achieving....

I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm just hurt...I had dared to dream.....and look what that got me.

I had a dream that I told Wolfen's J about...

I told her that God probably wants to use me now, so I can articulate how it feels to die and try and help people through that. His goal may not be to save me this time - but to take me out of here.   

That would be one hell of a sacrifice...and yet what can I do, Marie.

In my studies with Dr. Stanley, I've come to understand that He "allows" things to happen for His purpose....so this 4th cancer was allowed......but, for what Marie?  For what?

Is there any rhyme or reason to any of it?

I don't mean to complain, but over the course of my life (after 1969) I've been stripped of much of what life is supposed to be about....I was just hoping to get a small slice of somthing before all was said and done.

I'm upset about many things.....

I just wanted to go and finally take a trip and have a good time - with my new family!!!!!!

Is that really so much to ask for from the Almighty?

I see everybody else getting to go on their trips...I just thought I might finally get my turn:(

Thanks for letting me whine...I love you:)

And I just don't understand.....

 

Words do not come from me as beautifully written as they do you.  I wish that they did.  My thoughts and feelings mirror many others here.  I have heard you in my soul.  You have a wonderful gift.  And although the platform that I have come to "know" you sucks, I feel so incredibly blessed to have been touched by you Craig. 

He does have plans for you.  Time will tell what those plans are.  Stay strong. 

Love and hugs from the Delta,

MC

My dear, dear Craig.

I never want to read this kind of news about anyone here, but I especially never wanted to read it about you. You are a very precious person to all of us in the group. You have always had such good advice, and your posts are so beautifully written. Even in this heartbreaking post, there is so much to admire about the way you put the words together.

I'm glad you are having faith be a part of this portion of the journey, and I will be praying for you here. And trust me on this, my friend, if you go "to Paris," you will never, ever be forgotten. You will be in my heart always.

*Hugs*

Gail