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I'm Back and Still Here!

KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

For those of you that are wondering what happened to me i have just been suffering in every possible way. My family has been doing their best to keep me going and my husband, dad, and father-in-law, are the ones at the top of the game. From the horrible side effects i got from the chemo and not being able to do my normal daily activities and missing my son have just done a major number on me. MAJOR... I can actually feel my broken heart. Lying here now watching my husband sleep and listening tohim breathe breaks my heart at the thought of it being gone at any moment. we were just married and so in love with eachother. would do anything for the other. i miss my son so bad. the pictures all over my house just crack my heart more and more everyday. this past weekend hecame and seen me for a day and i was so sick i couldnt do much but lay there. holding him knowing i may not be there to see him grow and hardly ever getting to see him. im hurting so bad emotionally i dont know what pain is worse. the physical that keeps me from sleeping if i dont take any meds, or the emotional where i can actually feel my broken heart. watching my new family everyday and knowing how much i love them. my son. please everyone just keep me in your prayers. i nedd them so bad right now to heal my broken heart. and to anyone on facebook that wants to befriend me im caitlin peña in ohio. please and thank you.

Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Your husband and son might be breakinv your heart but they are the best medicine you can have. I have read so many stage IV stories where the survivor said he/she just wanted to see thier kids get married or graduate colloge and they were around to see these things happen in spite of the odds. They are your motivation to fight and suffer through all of the treatments.

My wife is my motivation. I keep an image in my mind of how hard it would be on her if I died. That is what motivates me more than anything.

Keep fighting. I know how aweful the treatments are. I suffered worse than most from chemo so I know how you feel.

KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

thank you very much. u and i both have suffered worst than most from chemo and my dlctors are telling me that it is abnormal because i have a liver pump now and the side effects are supposed to be very minimal and they weren't. My husband pulls me right back up everu time i start to fall and i thank God for him. my husband and i just have this unbelieveable and amazing bond together that i will fight like a bat outta hell for. i just get sooo sick some days are soo bad itvmakes me feel like i wanna give up. 

Dyanclark's picture
Posts: 296
Joined: Apr 2012

I really missed your posts.   We have you in our thoughts & prayers

Hugs George & Dyan


KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

I'm glad to know I was missed. That makes me feel really good. Thank you! :) I misaed everyone here also. I was just sooo sick and depressed.

Maxiecat's picture
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2012

Aww w... I wish I could give you a hug and say something earth shattering that would make everything all right.  Some days I am in a low, low place ...please remember that we are all here for you.  I will keep you in my prayers.



KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

That is so thoightful of u. You dont have to say anything earth shattering. Just getting on here and seeing the support from everyone makes things better. Thank you sooo much :)

Trubrit's picture
Posts: 5504
Joined: Jan 2013

I'm glad you posted. I've been wondering and worrying if you're OK. 

I am sorry that things are no better. I hope your team of Doctors very soon. 

I hope that your HUSBAND ( how fun to say that, eh) is taking good care of you (it sounds like he is) and that you can get the rest that you need.

You continue to be our prayers.

KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

Hey wats up! Ive been wondering about u too. Yes im so proud to say husband and know that when i say husnand its referring to the man sitting on the couch watchimg the basketball game right now. lol! he is my absolute world. knowing i have a son and a wonderful husband and new family to live for are the only only only things that put me back on my feet. My doctors say they are not willing to give up and neither am I. I want to be here with my son and that man as long aa possible, and im talking cure. there is still a chance and i always get what i want. i want to spend forever with that man in there.he and i have the strongest most amazing bond with each and im a fighter and i fight like hell. im not gonna lose it.thank u for keeping me in your prayers i need them thank u so much

Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6722
Joined: Feb 2009

Thank you for the update but I'm sorry that you are having such a horrible experience.  Wishing that your doctors can help you get through this better.  You are lucky to have such a supportive husband and family.  If you need to vent, this is always a good place to do it.  Hoping that you are feeling better soon.


KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

thank you for your good well wishes. i appreciate th soo very much and they mean so much to me. i love your picture its very good. thank u so much again.


AnnLouise's picture
Posts: 276
Joined: Mar 2013

I am glad you saw your son last week.....remember he doesn't care if you are sick, he just wants to be close to you. The more you see him the better your heart will feel. You have been through so much, that you are in a hard place both emotionally and physically. You and your husband have something very special, try and cherish it and live day to day. Easier said than done I realize....you have my thoughts, prayers and support whenever you need it. Just trying to think of how to help you get better...wish there was something I could do or say. Know that I am here for you and I am sending positive thoughts to help mend a broken heart. ~ Ann

KayeKay's picture
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

Yes, I am so glad to have seen my son too, but you would think it would make me feel much better inside but it makes my heart hurt more. I think it's because when he's here and he hurries up and takes off his seatbelt, and jumps out of the car, and runs up and hugs me I just want to stay in that moment forever. My eyes start to water and it just hurts emotionally. He's only 4 and he doesn't deserve this or to see his mother sick like that. Like I have mentioned previously, his father is barely in his life and does absolutely nothing for him. I gave guardianship to my mother in 2011 when I went through my first cancer battle because I didn't want him to go to his father if something happened to me. I love having him here ya know, sitting with him while he plays the XBox or the Playstation 3, watching him play football with my step son, husband, and the other neighborhood kids in our back yard. Taking him to Wal*Mart and buying him any and every toy or clothing that he wants because he's my one and only, and I love to spoil him and feel like I should because I barely get to see him. I' m 4 1/2 hours away so I barely see him. The whole plan after my husband and I got married was to go get custody back. His father doesn't stand a chance against us in court because he's in and out of jail and on drugs, real bad ones I just recently found out so that makes really Happy that he doesn't ever go see him when it's the other grandparent's weekend to have hIm. My husband and I own our own house, we have a car, we pay our bills on time. Neither of us take drugs, nor do any friends or family. Our house is right next to my faather-in-law's house So we have a very decent sized backyard for kids to play in. Ya know, my mother told me that the other my son asked her (and this is heart-breaking)," Mamaw, can we not talk about mommy becàuse mommy's sick?" Oh my gosh I wish she Would've never told me that. I think it's the thought of the cancer taking me away this time. I have everything I ever wanted out of life. A wonderful family and now I am so so so afraid that God is going to take it away. I barely smoked before I was told that I had cancer again. I would smoke maybe a cigarette a day or most days none at all. On really stressed days 3 max. Now I'm up to a pack to a little more sometimes a day. In 3 months! That's really, really bad. I don't want anyone else to be mommy, wife to my husband, take care of my husband when he has his seizures, clen MY HOME, do my dishes, wash the laundry, taake care of and plant my flowers, burn my candles, watch my son grow, graduate, get married, have children and tell him, " You know your mother is watching over you from heaven." Those are MY jobs. Thank you both for your thoughts and prayers and please keep me in them, and that God heals me this time and cures it. I want to be here to do all those things and hopefully die peacefully in my sleep. Thank u for allowing me to vent.

★Caitlin Peña★

annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

to hear that things are going so tough right now.  I can't imagine the pain of being apart from your son so much.  My boy is eight, and there is something very special about the mother-son bond, imo.  It must be so hard for both of you.

Is there a chance you could find a therapist who deals with cancer-related and family issues to talk with?  I had someone connected to my doctor's office who really helped me a lot.  She had many practical ideas about handling this stupid disease while being a mom.

The other thing I would suggest is asking your doc for either an anti-anxiety drug (like Ativan) or a medical mj authorization (if that's available in your state).  This won't change the difficult reality of your life right now, but it might make you feel a little more in control, and make it easier to cut back on the cigarettes.

Try to focus just on each day as it comes, and not look too far down the road (except to keep your son, and perhaps regaining custody, in your sight).  You are walking a very hard path, and it's terribly unfair that you should have to do this at such a young age.  Big hugs to you~AA

lilacbrroller's picture
Posts: 412
Joined: Jun 2012

KayeKay  - My heart breaks when I read this... awww..

I agree with the counseling comment. Definitely. 

I'm thinking you need to take care of yourself first. Definitely, quit smoking!  Your cancer is in your liver, and your liver's job in your body is to clean out all the bad stuff, which would include nicotine and tar and and all those other nasty chemicals in cigarettes.  Your liver pump is already delivering chemo, which is... in case you didn't know... POISON!!!!  On top of the poison chemo, your poor tired little liver has to process more poison (from cigarettes) and I'm guessing if you're that stressed out, you're probably not eating right, maybe fast food (which is not good for you), and drinking lots of soda. Maybe diet soda? And that's also hard on your liver.

Maybe you ought just quit the smoking for awhile, and go on a gentle diet that helps your liver process the poison and lets your body rest.  maybe you and your mother in law can find a good cancer cookbook or some recipes on the internet, and you two could cook together.  Your husband might be like - broccoli? ew!  but he'll get over it!

Maybe the vitamin folks on this board can help you out with some suggestions.  

The custody fight might have to wait until you go into remission again, but in the meantime, I hope you can see him as much as you can!

good luck 


AnnLouise's picture
Posts: 276
Joined: Mar 2013

You have received so many good suggestions from others. We care about you and just want the best possible for you, your husband and your son. Think about the time you can have with your son and make a wonderful family and loving home. You need to get better  emotionally and physically, and you will, but you may need some help. About the cigarettes, I think you know you need to quit so you are the healthiest you can be...a lot of motherly advice but it is out of caring and support. Come to us when you are in an unhappy place and also share when you are in a happy place. I know you are going through so much but you are strong....and we will be strong for you.....thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.  ~ Ann

Eltina21's picture
Posts: 174
Joined: May 2010

Vent anytime that you would like to, we have all had out moments.  Thankfully , you are surrounded by GOD and great support.  I pray that all goes better for you. Smile and enjoy each day.

Varmint5's picture
Posts: 384
Joined: Feb 2012

So good to hear from you. I'm sorry things aren't going better for you, I hope the problems get worked out soon and that your liver pump will work and you'll be on the mend. Sounds like you are very happy in your personal life otherwise and that is good. Take care.


Beachlace's picture
Posts: 37
Joined: May 2013

Im new here and I have kids too.  When I was pregnant the first time, someone told me " now you will know what it's like to have your heart on the outside of your body for the rest of your life!  and it's true.  


Im sorry that this time is sooo difficult and am praying for some relief for you.  I friended you on facebook too.

thxmiker's picture
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

Chemo is very difficult on one's body.


I had a nurse tell me Chemo side effects are not as bad as I making them out to be. I told her she either is an idiot, or has very little experience with Chemo. She told me she was an Oncology nurse for the last 20 years. I said, "Idiot then". I told her, "I hope and pray that you never  have to feel the suffering of one whom goes through Chemo."  The Oncologist came out and talked to me and appologized for his nurse. I told him he need to have a talk with her.


We are taking meds that are hurting our body in the hopes that they kill the more viral cancer before us. A dificult reality at times to face.  We must stay positive and realize this time of suffering is a short time on our lives and that things will get better.


After two rounds of Chemo.  A lot of pain, things do get better!


Best Always,  mike

Coloncancerblows's picture
Posts: 296
Joined: Feb 2013

So sorry KayeKay with what you're going through.  I'll be praying for you and your family.

tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the chemo. Praying it gets better for you soon!



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