I'm Back and Still Here!

Aww w... I wish I could give you a hug and say something earth shattering that would make everything all right.  Some days I am in a low, low place ...please remember that we are all here for you.  I will keep you in my prayers.

alex

Thank you for the update but I'm sorry that you are having such a horrible experience.  Wishing that your doctors can help you get through this better.  You are lucky to have such a supportive husband and family.  If you need to vent, this is always a good place to do it.  Hoping that you are feeling better soon.

Kim

I am glad you saw your son last week.....remember he doesn't care if you are sick, he just wants to be close to you. The more you see him the better your heart will feel. You have been through so much, that you are in a hard place both emotionally and physically. You and your husband have something very special, try and cherish it and live day to day. Easier said than done I realize....you have my thoughts, prayers and support whenever you need it. Just trying to think of how to help you get better...wish there was something I could do or say. Know that I am here for you and I am sending positive thoughts to help mend a broken heart. ~ Ann

KayeKay said:

AnnLouise and Varmint5

Yes, I am so glad to have seen my son too, but you would think it would make me feel much better inside but it makes my heart hurt more. I think it's because when he's here and he hurries up and takes off his seatbelt, and jumps out of the car, and runs up and hugs me I just want to stay in that moment forever. My eyes start to water and it just hurts emotionally. He's only 4 and he doesn't deserve this or to see his mother sick like that. Like I have mentioned previously, his father is barely in his life and does absolutely nothing for him. I gave guardianship to my mother in 2011 when I went through my first cancer battle because I didn't want him to go to his father if something happened to me. I love having him here ya know, sitting with him while he plays the XBox or the Playstation 3, watching him play football with my step son, husband, and the other neighborhood kids in our back yard. Taking him to Wal*Mart and buying him any and every toy or clothing that he wants because he's my one and only, and I love to spoil him and feel like I should because I barely get to see him. I' m 4 1/2 hours away so I barely see him. The whole plan after my husband and I got married was to go get custody back. His father doesn't stand a chance against us in court because he's in and out of jail and on drugs, real bad ones I just recently found out so that makes really Happy that he doesn't ever go see him when it's the other grandparent's weekend to have hIm. My husband and I own our own house, we have a car, we pay our bills on time. Neither of us take drugs, nor do any friends or family. Our house is right next to my faather-in-law's house So we have a very decent sized backyard for kids to play in. Ya know, my mother told me that the other my son asked her (and this is heart-breaking)," Mamaw, can we not talk about mommy becàuse mommy's sick?" Oh my gosh I wish she Would've never told me that. I think it's the thought of the cancer taking me away this time. I have everything I ever wanted out of life. A wonderful family and now I am so so so afraid that God is going to take it away. I barely smoked before I was told that I had cancer again. I would smoke maybe a cigarette a day or most days none at all. On really stressed days 3 max. Now I'm up to a pack to a little more sometimes a day. In 3 months! That's really, really bad. I don't want anyone else to be mommy, wife to my husband, take care of my husband when he has his seizures, clen MY HOME, do my dishes, wash the laundry, taake care of and plant my flowers, burn my candles, watch my son grow, graduate, get married, have children and tell him, " You know your mother is watching over you from heaven." Those are MY jobs. Thank you both for your thoughts and prayers and please keep me in them, and that God heals me this time and cures it. I want to be here to do all those things and hopefully die peacefully in my sleep. Thank u for allowing me to vent.

★Caitlin Peña★

to hear that things are going so tough right now.  I can't imagine the pain of being apart from your son so much.  My boy is eight, and there is something very special about the mother-son bond, imo.  It must be so hard for both of you.

Is there a chance you could find a therapist who deals with cancer-related and family issues to talk with?  I had someone connected to my doctor's office who really helped me a lot.  She had many practical ideas about handling this stupid disease while being a mom.

The other thing I would suggest is asking your doc for either an anti-anxiety drug (like Ativan) or a medical mj authorization (if that's available in your state).  This won't change the difficult reality of your life right now, but it might make you feel a little more in control, and make it easier to cut back on the cigarettes.

Try to focus just on each day as it comes, and not look too far down the road (except to keep your son, and perhaps regaining custody, in your sight).  You are walking a very hard path, and it's terribly unfair that you should have to do this at such a young age.  Big hugs to you~AA

Chemo is very difficult on one's body.

I had a nurse tell me Chemo side effects are not as bad as I making them out to be. I told her she either is an idiot, or has very little experience with Chemo. She told me she was an Oncology nurse for the last 20 years. I said, "Idiot then". I told her, "I hope and pray that you never  have to feel the suffering of one whom goes through Chemo."  The Oncologist came out and talked to me and appologized for his nurse. I told him he need to have a talk with her.

We are taking meds that are hurting our body in the hopes that they kill the more viral cancer before us. A dificult reality at times to face.  We must stay positive and realize this time of suffering is a short time on our lives and that things will get better.

After two rounds of Chemo.  A lot of pain, things do get better!

Best Always,  mike

KayeKay said:

AnnLouise and Varmint5

Yes, I am so glad to have seen my son too, but you would think it would make me feel much better inside but it makes my heart hurt more. I think it's because when he's here and he hurries up and takes off his seatbelt, and jumps out of the car, and runs up and hugs me I just want to stay in that moment forever. My eyes start to water and it just hurts emotionally. He's only 4 and he doesn't deserve this or to see his mother sick like that. Like I have mentioned previously, his father is barely in his life and does absolutely nothing for him. I gave guardianship to my mother in 2011 when I went through my first cancer battle because I didn't want him to go to his father if something happened to me. I love having him here ya know, sitting with him while he plays the XBox or the Playstation 3, watching him play football with my step son, husband, and the other neighborhood kids in our back yard. Taking him to Wal*Mart and buying him any and every toy or clothing that he wants because he's my one and only, and I love to spoil him and feel like I should because I barely get to see him. I' m 4 1/2 hours away so I barely see him. The whole plan after my husband and I got married was to go get custody back. His father doesn't stand a chance against us in court because he's in and out of jail and on drugs, real bad ones I just recently found out so that makes really Happy that he doesn't ever go see him when it's the other grandparent's weekend to have hIm. My husband and I own our own house, we have a car, we pay our bills on time. Neither of us take drugs, nor do any friends or family. Our house is right next to my faather-in-law's house So we have a very decent sized backyard for kids to play in. Ya know, my mother told me that the other my son asked her (and this is heart-breaking)," Mamaw, can we not talk about mommy becàuse mommy's sick?" Oh my gosh I wish she Would've never told me that. I think it's the thought of the cancer taking me away this time. I have everything I ever wanted out of life. A wonderful family and now I am so so so afraid that God is going to take it away. I barely smoked before I was told that I had cancer again. I would smoke maybe a cigarette a day or most days none at all. On really stressed days 3 max. Now I'm up to a pack to a little more sometimes a day. In 3 months! That's really, really bad. I don't want anyone else to be mommy, wife to my husband, take care of my husband when he has his seizures, clen MY HOME, do my dishes, wash the laundry, taake care of and plant my flowers, burn my candles, watch my son grow, graduate, get married, have children and tell him, " You know your mother is watching over you from heaven." Those are MY jobs. Thank you both for your thoughts and prayers and please keep me in them, and that God heals me this time and cures it. I want to be here to do all those things and hopefully die peacefully in my sleep. Thank u for allowing me to vent.

★Caitlin Peña★

You have received so many good suggestions from others. We care about you and just want the best possible for you, your husband and your son. Think about the time you can have with your son and make a wonderful family and loving home. You need to get better  emotionally and physically, and you will, but you may need some help. About the cigarettes, I think you know you need to quit so you are the healthiest you can be...a lot of motherly advice but it is out of caring and support. Come to us when you are in an unhappy place and also share when you are in a happy place. I know you are going through so much but you are strong....and we will be strong for you.....thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.  ~ Ann

KayeKay said:

AnnLouise and Varmint5

Yes, I am so glad to have seen my son too, but you would think it would make me feel much better inside but it makes my heart hurt more. I think it's because when he's here and he hurries up and takes off his seatbelt, and jumps out of the car, and runs up and hugs me I just want to stay in that moment forever. My eyes start to water and it just hurts emotionally. He's only 4 and he doesn't deserve this or to see his mother sick like that. Like I have mentioned previously, his father is barely in his life and does absolutely nothing for him. I gave guardianship to my mother in 2011 when I went through my first cancer battle because I didn't want him to go to his father if something happened to me. I love having him here ya know, sitting with him while he plays the XBox or the Playstation 3, watching him play football with my step son, husband, and the other neighborhood kids in our back yard. Taking him to Wal*Mart and buying him any and every toy or clothing that he wants because he's my one and only, and I love to spoil him and feel like I should because I barely get to see him. I' m 4 1/2 hours away so I barely see him. The whole plan after my husband and I got married was to go get custody back. His father doesn't stand a chance against us in court because he's in and out of jail and on drugs, real bad ones I just recently found out so that makes really Happy that he doesn't ever go see him when it's the other grandparent's weekend to have hIm. My husband and I own our own house, we have a car, we pay our bills on time. Neither of us take drugs, nor do any friends or family. Our house is right next to my faather-in-law's house So we have a very decent sized backyard for kids to play in. Ya know, my mother told me that the other my son asked her (and this is heart-breaking)," Mamaw, can we not talk about mommy becàuse mommy's sick?" Oh my gosh I wish she Would've never told me that. I think it's the thought of the cancer taking me away this time. I have everything I ever wanted out of life. A wonderful family and now I am so so so afraid that God is going to take it away. I barely smoked before I was told that I had cancer again. I would smoke maybe a cigarette a day or most days none at all. On really stressed days 3 max. Now I'm up to a pack to a little more sometimes a day. In 3 months! That's really, really bad. I don't want anyone else to be mommy, wife to my husband, take care of my husband when he has his seizures, clen MY HOME, do my dishes, wash the laundry, taake care of and plant my flowers, burn my candles, watch my son grow, graduate, get married, have children and tell him, " You know your mother is watching over you from heaven." Those are MY jobs. Thank you both for your thoughts and prayers and please keep me in them, and that God heals me this time and cures it. I want to be here to do all those things and hopefully die peacefully in my sleep. Thank u for allowing me to vent.

★Caitlin Peña★

Vent anytime that you would like to, we have all had out moments.  Thankfully , you are surrounded by GOD and great support.  I pray that all goes better for you. Smile and enjoy each day.