Ready To SCREAM

KayeKay
KayeKay Member Posts: 122

Sorry I just wanted to start a post for anyone wanting to vent like I know I do. I always had the fear of my cancer returning and now that that fear has become reality i feel as if i might actually lose my mind this time. I had to have my port and liver pump flushed the other day and when the nurse stuck the needle in my chest the tears just poured. This sounds bad but it sometimes angers me to hear someone tell me that it will be ok. It doesnt feel ok, i dont feel ok, and none of this is ok. not for me or anyone else with cancer. it seems as if there are two worlds, this one here with everyone who has experienced and is experiencing cancer, and the one I live in where noone has experienxed cancer. I had a ddream the other night and seen someone very close to me that died of cancer 15 years ago. I woke up screaming. I thought she was there to take me. I have not once ever dreamed about her not even the last time i had cancer. And this dream all in itself makes me feel and sound crazy. I slept with all the lights and tv on the next night. Pardon me but I just want to say what I know everyone feels and please noone be offended but "FCUK CANCER." I had just returned to a normal happy life for about 6 months when cancer bared its nasty teeth again. Sorry for all this venting but i know everyone bere would understand me better.....

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Comments

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    BTW

    by the way, does anyone know what i should do. My kids father and his parents (who are the biggest scum walking the earth) are trying to use my sickness to their advantage and gain custody of my son. this all happened the first time i got sick so i signed guardianship to my mother so they couldnt do anything. now that im sick again their trying again. to do this to anyone is sickening. they disgust me and i do not want him growing up with them. u just dont even know. i wanna do everything i can to keep them away and especially if something happens to me. what should i do? can a judge actually use cancer as a justified cause? 

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,628 Member
    Scream away

    You really do deserve to scream, to be frightened, to want to vent. And yes, sometimes when people say 'its going to be OK', I'm like, 'How on earth do you know its going to be OK?' But you know deep inside that they only mean the best for you. 

    Like you said, its real, it hurts, its scary, I might die, I don't want to die, I'm scared. I'm beyond scared. 

    You are young, you are facing your mortalily and it hurts to think about it. I am so sorry about your son's paternal grandparents. Talk about kick you when you're down. I hope that works out for you, and your mother continues as his caregiver. 

    I wish I could impart just how much I feel your pain, your fears. They are so much more different than mine right now, but I feel your pain, your fear and my heart just goes out to you in every way. 

    You are a good woman. Inspite of what you are going through, you posted a message to me that was so beautiful, special to me. That, my friend, shows me that you are a very special woman, who can leave her pain for a short while to make others feel good. 

    I hope your recovery moves along, and that this stage can be left behind, never to be revisited. 

    May you be comforted and blessed. 

    SUE

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    Trubrit said:

    Scream away

    You really do deserve to scream, to be frightened, to want to vent. And yes, sometimes when people say 'its going to be OK', I'm like, 'How on earth do you know its going to be OK?' But you know deep inside that they only mean the best for you. 

    Like you said, its real, it hurts, its scary, I might die, I don't want to die, I'm scared. I'm beyond scared. 

    You are young, you are facing your mortalily and it hurts to think about it. I am so sorry about your son's paternal grandparents. Talk about kick you when you're down. I hope that works out for you, and your mother continues as his caregiver. 

    I wish I could impart just how much I feel your pain, your fears. They are so much more different than mine right now, but I feel your pain, your fear and my heart just goes out to you in every way. 

    You are a good woman. Inspite of what you are going through, you posted a message to me that was so beautiful, special to me. That, my friend, shows me that you are a very special woman, who can leave her pain for a short while to make others feel good. 

    I hope your recovery moves along, and that this stage can be left behind, never to be revisited. 

    May you be comforted and blessed. 

    SUE

    your messages always bring

    your messages always bring support. And yes they are the scum and first to prey on weakness. especially if its going to benefit them and the only reason they want him is thee social security and other government benefits they think they will draw if i die. I swear if there is one thing i want before i die, it is to make sure i can keep them away permanently. i dont have weakness when it comes to them im always prepared like a lion ready to pounce on their next scandalous scheme. ugggghhh they make me sick. his dad and his family are probably thereason my cancer was so advanced the first time they found it. Yes all of this hurts physically, menntally, and emotionally. and hearing "i know how u feel" from someone who has never experienced canceris at times irritating.im just soo overwhelmed...

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    KayeKay said:

    your messages always bring

    your messages always bring support. And yes they are the scum and first to prey on weakness. especially if its going to benefit them and the only reason they want him is thee social security and other government benefits they think they will draw if i die. I swear if there is one thing i want before i die, it is to make sure i can keep them away permanently. i dont have weakness when it comes to them im always prepared like a lion ready to pounce on their next scandalous scheme. ugggghhh they make me sick. his dad and his family are probably thereason my cancer was so advanced the first time they found it. Yes all of this hurts physically, menntally, and emotionally. and hearing "i know how u feel" from someone who has never experienced canceris at times irritating.im just soo overwhelmed...

    and on top of it all this

    and on top of it all this recovery has been absolute hell.. Trubrit, your message made me cry but they were happy tears lol...it been 3 weeks and i still barely can get up and move. they finally got me a cane but im thjnking i should have got a walker instead. i coulda had a wheelxhair but my house is not big enough for that and im embarassed using a cane, showing weakness is not my thing. at all. lol

  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425
    KayeKay said:

    and on top of it all this

    and on top of it all this recovery has been absolute hell.. Trubrit, your message made me cry but they were happy tears lol...it been 3 weeks and i still barely can get up and move. they finally got me a cane but im thjnking i should have got a walker instead. i coulda had a wheelxhair but my house is not big enough for that and im embarassed using a cane, showing weakness is not my thing. at all. lol

    Wow,  you've got a lot going

    Wow,  you've got a lot going on.    Scream, rant, get it out of your system.    Take it easy on yourself  and let yourself heal from surgery.   Use the cane,  and don't be so hard on yourself,  you went through a big surgery and you need to heal.  

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    smokeyjoe said:

    Wow,  you've got a lot going

    Wow,  you've got a lot going on.    Scream, rant, get it out of your system.    Take it easy on yourself  and let yourself heal from surgery.   Use the cane,  and don't be so hard on yourself,  you went through a big surgery and you need to heal.  

    i would love to scream and

    i would love to scream and rant but im physically incapable of it right now lol. i still canhardly even raise my voice.

  • Chelsea71
    Chelsea71 Member Posts: 1,169
    I'm sorry that you're
    I'm sorry that you're struggling. You have a lot on your plate right now and that's not conducive to a smooth recovery. I know your son is living several hours away from you but I am really hoping that your mom or some other family member(s) are close by and are looking after you. People your age should not be dealing with colorectal cancer and liver metastasis. You sound like a strong person. You'll get through this. I hope you turn a corner soon.

    Chelsea
  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122
    KayeKay said:

    BTW

    by the way, does anyone know what i should do. My kids father and his parents (who are the biggest scum walking the earth) are trying to use my sickness to their advantage and gain custody of my son. this all happened the first time i got sick so i signed guardianship to my mother so they couldnt do anything. now that im sick again their trying again. to do this to anyone is sickening. they disgust me and i do not want him growing up with them. u just dont even know. i wanna do everything i can to keep them away and especially if something happens to me. what should i do? can a judge actually use cancer as a justified cause? 

    Re:

    “…..by the way, does anyone know what i should do. My kids father and his parents (who are the biggest scum walking the earth) are trying to use my sickness to their advantage and gain custody of my son…..”

     

    The courts will usually allow custody to be granted to the surviving parent upon the death of the parent having sole custody. If there is a legally compelling reason that the surviving parent is not legally suitable to have custody, the child will be a ward of the court until the matter can be resolved. That’s not “the rule”, but of the most common procedure.

     

    The child’s interests should take precedence. Especially so under the circumstances, since the death of a parent does not come lightly. Watching a parent suffer is as much of a traumatic event as death, so the child’s feelings and welfare should come first.

     

    It’s a painful choice, and not always ours to make, but it ours to resolve in our own minds and soul.

     

    If it were me, I would attempt to make the conditions the best for my child. If temporary custody, or shared custody can be accomplished, perhaps that’s the better choice under the present circumstances.

     

    The child’s welfare should come first; we owe that to those we bring into this world.

     

    Sometimes, a child can tell you more than you wish to know….. Ask the child…

     

    I’m not a religious guy (the last time I prayed the Pope quit), but I want you to know that you have all my best wishes for better days.

     

    John

     

  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278
    KayeKay said:

    i would love to scream and

    i would love to scream and rant but im physically incapable of it right now lol. i still canhardly even raise my voice.

    We are sending ou thoughts

    We are sending ou thoughts and prayers for you to have additional strength!  We can all feel run down with our family, and for this to happen when our bodys are weak is their lack of humanity.  

     

    Some people have in-laws, and I married into out-laws. lol  My wife's family is finally becoming accepting to me after we have been married for 19 years. Laurie is the only child of four that graduated High School, and now has 3 degrees and a Masters.  Her family always puts down our education, and then asks us for a job.  

     

    Just remember, It is not you that is the problem. 

     

    Best Always,  mike

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    Chelsea71 said:

    I'm sorry that you're
    I'm sorry that you're struggling. You have a lot on your plate right now and that's not conducive to a smooth recovery. I know your son is living several hours away from you but I am really hoping that your mom or some other family member(s) are close by and are looking after you. People your age should not be dealing with colorectal cancer and liver metastasis. You sound like a strong person. You'll get through this. I hope you turn a corner soon.

    Chelsea

    i think im just now coming

    i think im just now coming into the anger phase of all this...ya they were definetly outlaws lol...

  • devotion10
    devotion10 Member Posts: 623
    KayeKay said:

    i think im just now coming

    i think im just now coming into the anger phase of all this...ya they were definetly outlaws lol...

    You can get through this.

    Have you heard the saying ... whatever you are given to bear, you will be given the strength to bear?  I can tell you've got courage. Best -- Cynthia

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324

    You can get through this.

    Have you heard the saying ... whatever you are given to bear, you will be given the strength to bear?  I can tell you've got courage. Best -- Cynthia

    Kayekay

    It's okay to scream, or cry, or be angry. Right now though, don't let this anger at these people consume you. It will do nothing for your healing process. This is the important thing to concentrate on.  Also when you're stronger, I'll bet your head will be clearer in order to think it all through and make a plan.

    Wishing the best for you and your son.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    wolfen said:

    Kayekay

    It's okay to scream, or cry, or be angry. Right now though, don't let this anger at these people consume you. It will do nothing for your healing process. This is the important thing to concentrate on.  Also when you're stronger, I'll bet your head will be clearer in order to think it all through and make a plan.

    Wishing the best for you and your son.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

    there is an awesome cancer

    there is an awesome cancer video on you tube everyone should check out its called "Hold On" Cancer Outreach Video. i would copy and paste the url but my phone wont let me  check it out its awesome!!

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    wolfen said:

    Kayekay

    It's okay to scream, or cry, or be angry. Right now though, don't let this anger at these people consume you. It will do nothing for your healing process. This is the important thing to concentrate on.  Also when you're stronger, I'll bet your head will be clearer in order to think it all through and make a plan.

    Wishing the best for you and your son.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

    i do a lot of crying. more

    i do a lot of crying. more than i thought i would with the second time around. "those people" i love the way you put that wolfen cause thats what i call them too.. lmao...

  • TR
    TR Member Posts: 12
    KayeKay said:

    i do a lot of crying. more

    i do a lot of crying. more than i thought i would with the second time around. "those people" i love the way you put that wolfen cause thats what i call them too.. lmao...

    For Kayekay

    You have every right to scream!  You have every right to kick, hit, throw, and do whatever the hell you want.  Life has thrown you a bad curveball - and you do not deserve it.  Please, Please - do something that makes you happy....however little or insignificant it may seem.  You deserve some happiness - and you deserve a mental break from all this.

    In terms of your son - can u make sure (through a lawyer) that your mom gets custody NOW???  Perhaps that sounds strange - but it will put your mind at rest.  Once she has custody - perhaps that will be enough for your ex to leave him alone.  Once he turns 14 - he has his own say.

     

    Strength to you...

     

    TR

     

  • barbebarb
    barbebarb Member Posts: 464
    wolfen said:

    Kayekay

    It's okay to scream, or cry, or be angry. Right now though, don't let this anger at these people consume you. It will do nothing for your healing process. This is the important thing to concentrate on.  Also when you're stronger, I'll bet your head will be clearer in order to think it all through and make a plan.

    Wishing the best for you and your son.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

    Here this....

    You have every right to express the way you feel. We have all been there. "You can pick your friends but not your family" Try to leave even a small light on if you fear or ssn electric andle bedside. This helped after a recent surgery. Probably sounds crazy....it was my hourly symbol of hope and strength. You have good advice here. Try to focus on your wellness. All will fall in place for your son. You are strong and intentional. I have an ex -husband whose girlfriend has a van lined up.(guess he is spotting what to take) :-( and my mother's youngest sister who is random in involvement with my diagnosis. One minute she says she's available in June to help and then texts its spring break...can I help. Same person who failed to pick my mother up when released from second surgery due to car problems? My mom doesn't ask about chemo etc., and says cancer is too scary to ask about.> I do not understand my family. You are not alone - try to heal and focus on your son as you can. Use the cane if needed. I had to.....you can get thu this phase one day at a time. Its very difficult to accept how cancer changes us and many times the family around us. Barb

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    TR said:

    For Kayekay

    You have every right to scream!  You have every right to kick, hit, throw, and do whatever the hell you want.  Life has thrown you a bad curveball - and you do not deserve it.  Please, Please - do something that makes you happy....however little or insignificant it may seem.  You deserve some happiness - and you deserve a mental break from all this.

    In terms of your son - can u make sure (through a lawyer) that your mom gets custody NOW???  Perhaps that sounds strange - but it will put your mind at rest.  Once she has custody - perhaps that will be enough for your ex to leave him alone.  Once he turns 14 - he has his own say.

     

    Strength to you...

     

    TR

     

    o ive already done that and

    o ive already done that and those scum still try to take him. but f them and anyways im starting to move around better and it worries me cause like the first time i thought i was getting better and did more it reaallyy set me back. so now im scared that im not better im just having a few good days. lol it was the meds the first time that made me thibk i was better. i laid in this bed for 2 weeks in soooo much pajn its seems like so much longer, waking up every 1-3 hrs. o it was hell. last night was the first night since march 12th i slept 10 hrs without waking. when i woke i felt like i had really strong dull pain but all that sleep was great finally. i lay here and think. my fiance suffers from epilepsy and we promised eachother when we met to not leave the other when they were sick. i told him id had cancer and at that time it was only a fear of it coming back. i give him credit cause he has not left my side not once through me being bed ridden and now just starting to move. but on top of this his being atressed over my sickness is causing more seizures. everything is just a hot mess...grrrr

  • KayeKay
    KayeKay Member Posts: 122
    barbebarb said:

    Here this....

    You have every right to express the way you feel. We have all been there. "You can pick your friends but not your family" Try to leave even a small light on if you fear or ssn electric andle bedside. This helped after a recent surgery. Probably sounds crazy....it was my hourly symbol of hope and strength. You have good advice here. Try to focus on your wellness. All will fall in place for your son. You are strong and intentional. I have an ex -husband whose girlfriend has a van lined up.(guess he is spotting what to take) :-( and my mother's youngest sister who is random in involvement with my diagnosis. One minute she says she's available in June to help and then texts its spring break...can I help. Same person who failed to pick my mother up when released from second surgery due to car problems? My mom doesn't ask about chemo etc., and says cancer is too scary to ask about.> I do not understand my family. You are not alone - try to heal and focus on your son as you can. Use the cane if needed. I had to.....you can get thu this phase one day at a time. Its very difficult to accept how cancer changes us and many times the family around us. Barb

    tell me about it my parents

    tell me about it my parents were the same way the first time. its too scary and noone wants to deal with it. they seem to be just a little differentthis time around. made me wanna choke someone lol i was like scary for u? really? 

  • steved
    steved Member Posts: 834
    Managing the emotions

    All of us feel overwhelmed by the emotions that come along during this journey anespecially after major changes and events they can become unbearable. Finding ways to let them out or cope with them is critical, whether it's screaming, talking, venting here, music, sport, crying or what ever- it is all valid. One thing to be aware of though is when our emotionAl capacity is near its limit it is important to be aware of what we use our emotions on. Expending energy and feelings on people that aren't worth it or aren't helpful simply uses up energy we could be focusing on coping. Your anger atthe kids father and his parents is undoubtably justified and valid but won't help you to focus on. Putting all that to one side for now and focusing on your and your kids needs is more helpful. Cancer and mortality does focus us on what is important and old battles and negative relationships that simply sap our energy are not the priority.

    Look after yourself and feel free to release whatever here- it is a remarkably absorbing environment!

    Steve

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    I feel your pain. I hate

    I feel your pain. I hate chemo more than surgery. It really hit me the day after they put my port back in and I cried. I felt like I was on parole and just sent back to jail.