Funny Bonz III

garym
garym Member Posts: 1,647

The agony of aging

 





On the morning Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit an aging friend.





He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish





I said to him, "No! - You're supposed to turn your clock back".




 

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Comments

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Magic...

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Did you know?





     THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY-SOME IN RECENT YEARS.

    25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

    That's scary....






    It means 75% are running around untreated!

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    8 Year olds...

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

    "An ambulance just drove by!"

    "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

    "Matt's riding a new bike!"

    "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

    "Jason is on his skate board!"

    After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously calls out,

    "How do you know they're having sex?"

    "Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    No speak english...

    A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

     

    The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

    One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

    Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

    On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

     

     

     

     

     

    Hello...her husband speaks English

    What were you Thinking?

    (I worry about you guys sometimes)

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Holy day set by Florida court...

       In  Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 
      
       The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!" 
     

       The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, 
    "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. 
      The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."   
       The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."   
       The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."   
       The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, 
    April 1st is his day. 
      
    Court is adjourned..."

    You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!     

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    Since I hit religion I might as well hit polotics...

    image

  • alice124
    alice124 Member Posts: 896
    garym said:

    Since I hit religion I might as well hit polotics...

    image

    Politics

    Gads Gary - this one must be way off the charts in political correctness. All I see is a red X! Considering your sausage joke came in fine, can't imagine what's behind this box. Wink

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    alice124 said:

    Politics

    Gads Gary - this one must be way off the charts in political correctness. All I see is a red X! Considering your sausage joke came in fine, can't imagine what's behind this box. Wink

     

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

    Social safety nets

    Gary, I think you're very lucky if there are no people in your part of the world who will never be able to look after themselves adequately - I'm afraid we're not in that position in the UK.  Maybe 15% of your population is a bit high though?

  • MDCinSC
    MDCinSC Member Posts: 574
    garym said:

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

    Good thing!

    Gary, it is a good thing that those of US who have had to rely on those programs can't afford computers or internet access so WE wouldn't be offended. 

     

    Of course some of US have gone on to get PhDs and teach other people's children.

    PAX

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

    Cmon fellas...

    Its a joke, nothing more...I don't know anyone, myself included, that has a quarrel with helping those in need...I just thought this was cute, but I'm a bit twisted as you know

  • MDCinSC
    MDCinSC Member Posts: 574
    garym said:

    Cmon fellas...

    Its a joke, nothing more...I don't know anyone, myself included, that has a quarrel with helping those in need...I just thought this was cute, but I'm a bit twisted as you know

    No blood no foul! Peace!

    No blood no foul! Cool Peace!

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    MDCinSC said:

    No blood no foul! Peace!

    No blood no foul! Cool Peace!

    Joke

    I know you to be a man of unlimited compassion Gary.  I just fear there are those who don't and some of them might find the amusing irony lost on them and only the worst in them brought out.   Sorry if I came over as a bit too intense and I enjoyed the response of the dawg with the shades!

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647

    Joke

    I know you to be a man of unlimited compassion Gary.  I just fear there are those who don't and some of them might find the amusing irony lost on them and only the worst in them brought out.   Sorry if I came over as a bit too intense and I enjoyed the response of the dawg with the shades!

    I'm taking a mulligan...Semi political humor...

    Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

     

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

    Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

    Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

    Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Texas executes last remaining citizen.

    Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

    Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

    Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

  • alice124
    alice124 Member Posts: 896
    garym said:

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

    Political Humor

    Those of us who know and love Gary recognize  his funnies exlude no one, just like Leno and Letterman. We've all been the target of Gary's jokes/humor; he even takes aim at himself. Maybe this one didn't tickle everyone's sense of humor, but--stick around--the next one just might.  We all just need to remember NOT to wear our thin skin in here!

     

     

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    alice124 said:

    Political Humor

    Those of us who know and love Gary recognize  his funnies exlude no one, just like Leno and Letterman. We've all been the target of Gary's jokes/humor; he even takes aim at himself. Maybe this one didn't tickle everyone's sense of humor, but--stick around--the next one just might.  We all just need to remember NOT to wear our thin skin in here!

     

     

    Gary's targets

    Past ones no longer dogging you then Alice?Wink

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    alice124 said:

    Political Humor

    Those of us who know and love Gary recognize  his funnies exlude no one, just like Leno and Letterman. We've all been the target of Gary's jokes/humor; he even takes aim at himself. Maybe this one didn't tickle everyone's sense of humor, but--stick around--the next one just might.  We all just need to remember NOT to wear our thin skin in here!

     

     

    Speaking of skin...

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
    The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."



     

  • alice124
    alice124 Member Posts: 896
    garym said:

    Speaking of skin...

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
    The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."



     

    LMAO!

    Loved this one Gary.  This is what I'm talking about - therapeutic stuff. . .

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    alice124 said:

    LMAO!

    Loved this one Gary.  This is what I'm talking about - therapeutic stuff. . .

    LMAO!?

    Careful, Alice, in case John need a skin graft!

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798

    LMAO!?

    Careful, Alice, in case John need a skin graft!

    Importance of keyboard accuracy!!

    A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: March 21, 2012

    I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.

    I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!